A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I kind of feel bad for even thinking this, but I feel really let down by my family and when I told them how I feel, I feel like they are basically telling me it doesn't matter how I feel.Basically every year for the past 4 years we have had a family holiday together, and my aunt has paid for us all. I very grateful for that. But last year I had a very bad experience on our holiday. I got food poisoning from the hotel food, I ended up covered in bites and just generally hated it. My sister also acted like I was her on call nanny, sending her kids to my room every night so they could stay out drinking, as I wasn't well.So this year we booked somewhere we all liked and everything was fine. Then last week my sister put on facebook that they had booked to go back to the same hotel that we went to that gave me food poisoning. When I asked her when she was going she told me that my aunt had booked it that morning, for her, my uncle and my sister and her family. She also told me that if my husband and our daughters wanted to go then we could and she would just add us to her booking. Even thought they all knew I wouldn't go back there. Normally we book well in advance so we can all sort out a time we can all go. When I spoke to my aunt, just in passing about it, she said well you wouldn't of wanted to go anyway. What I am so upset about is that they didn't think about us, and whether we would have liked to have gone on holiday as a family again, or even thought about asking us where we would like to go like we normally do. It was just their way or no way.I'm not bothered about not going with them, but I do feel it would have be nice to have been asked or at least told about it. Is that silly?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 May 2015):
 Its an annual family vacation, the way I understood it. In which case it's become sort of tradition to invite everyone, and the exemption of a certain family member will be seen as an act of exclusion. Or as the aunt playing favorites.
It makes no sense if they are a close family, why couldn't the aunt have just called the OP and told her she'd like to go back to that hotel/vacation spot, and then say that because the OP didn't like it the last time she'd only bring the sister? Why the secret planning and deliberate leaving someone out?
I don't believe the OP is upset about the choice of the hotel they booked. Oh sure, it'd be nice if it was somewhere else, but that's not the main point. The way I read the OP, and the reason why I answered the way I did, the main point is that she wasn't even told about it. It wasn't even considered to ask her if she'd like to join them. The aunt could easily have said "I'd like to go there again, if you want to you can join us", without there being any problem. The aunt pays, the aunt chooses the spot.. it's all fine and dandy.
But the point isn't the spot, the point is that the OP wasn't asked to come along. The decision was made over her head. She should have been asked if she wanted to come along from the beginning when they planned the trip, and then she could have maybe booked a hotel near by or something. Or at least she could have started to plan and make herself available, but with short notice and no heads up? The sister just saying she can come along, last minute?
I'd never leave someone out like that if I normally would have included them, unless it was deliberate, hence why I don't think this was polite at all. Yes the OP can't expect to be brought along all the time, but to not even talk to her about it and just leave her out like that is plain rude in my eyes.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (5 May 2015):
 I agree with CindyCares. Your aunt is planning and paying for HER vacation and part of what makes it great is having her family with her, which is why she's willing to cover the additional cost.
She doesn't have to take a vote or consult with anyone first if SHE is the one footing the bill. She can decide where and when SHE wants to go, then put the invitation out to others. Those who want to go can accept and those who don't can decline and do their own thing.
Since you had such an awful time the last time you went it's not unreasonable to think you wouldn't want to go this time. It was made clear you were welcome, so in fact your feelings have been considered.
I think your aunt has been more than generous. You've already enjoyed 4 years of free (for you) family vacations.
Sighs....it doesn't seem to matter to some folks how lucky they are or how generous someone else is. It's just never enough.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2015):
 Often I agree with Chigirl, but not this time.
I think it is relevant that the Aunt is the one footing the bill . If she is the one so kind to pay for everything, do we want at least to leave her the privilege to choose WHERE she'd like to go ? Then, if people wants to avail themselves of the opportunity she is offering, cool- ( she did by offering to add your family to her reservation ); otherwise they can pay their own vacation and choose their preferred venue. Auntie may be generous and have a strong sense of family; this does not mean that from now on she is always OBLIGED to sacrifice her personal inclinations for the sake of her guests. Plus,majority rules ; if all the other relatives ( about 6 ,right ? ) have no issues with that particular place and hotel, and you are the only one who has a problem with it , I think it makes sense that you are the one who can either adjust , or stay home.
Moreover, if you have been vocal about NEVER wanting to go back to that hotel- ( I suppose because of the food poisoning only ? because surely you can't blame the hotel for the insect bites, or the friction with your sister )- well, they took you literally, at face value. You said that you were not interested in going back- so they did not ask you, because they had their answer already. Makes sense to me.
Lastly, that's just a surmise of mine, and a malicious one, probabaly, I admit it, yet, human nature is human nature, so , in case last year you have been a bit TOO vocal about how miserable and uncomfortable you were, and how selfish your sis and BIL were,etc.etc..... well, the most affectionate and generpus of the aunts is also a human being like everybody else and likes to enjoy her vacations , and see her hospitality appreciated, without too much drama. If you really have been so miserable, and with the high chance of further mosquito bites and sisterly tiffs or similar accidents , I think it's normal she was not going to INSIST for drawing on her head more of the same.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 May 2015):
 Families ........... the best of times and the worst of times. (Yes, I currently have some issues myself)
It seems your Aunt liked the place where you ate something that didn't agree with you and were bitten by bugs so much, that despite you having such experiences she wants to go back.
My personal opinion is that if your Aunt is the one footing the bill for the family to go away then she has the final say on the destination, however, that said, I agree, it would have been nice if you had been invited, even if you had said you would never go there again.
When you said you would not return your aunt took you at your word ..... its unfortunate she didn't think to run it by you, in case you had changed your mind, but maybe after the last trip you were so adamant that she thought asking would be a waste of time.
I think you need to just put this one down to a lack of communications, and maybe plan a holiday or short stay away for you and your family somewhere else.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 May 2015):
It's common courtesy to ask, rather than make a decision over someones head. The "You wouldn't have wanted to go anyway" means they didn't even bother to ask you, and you weren't invited as a result. Which is excluding.
I completely understand how you feel as I am also hurt when people do this to me. As an adult I find it insulting if people think they have the right to make decisions for me on by behalf. I am grown up an capable of saying "no thank you" if I receive an offer to go somewhere that doesn't suit me.
Being asked to come along is a sign of being included. Not being asked is being excluded. Simple as that. And being excluded hurts.
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