A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, i hope you can help!! I'll try and make this as short as i can!Ive been friends with this guy since school (like when we were from about 10) and a year ago we reconnected as friends and even though he was at uni out of london, whenever he'd come to london wed meet and hang out and go cinema etc. Now i always found this guy cute but more in a friendly way and coz i cared about him and know him- but i never saw anything more and was convinced he didnt either (i never dated anyone from school and was more the friend then the gf during those years). A week ago i went out on a night out with another friend from work and he came alone too, was so fun and they got on great and we drank etc and as the night progressed i notice my school friend (lets call him A) was getting more and more flirty with me. like touching my hair and kissing my cheek etc. I really didn't think much of it ( im very insecure therefore blind to how men act!) but the more the night progressed the more he got close. At some point he took me to him and we danced together a lot. And suddenly he kissed me. i was really in shock, i never thought he ever saw me this way or was attracted to me, but yes we had drunk but we werent completely wasted! anyway i still kissed back and we kissed all night. After the club, us 3 took a taxi back to mine, where my work friend was gona sleep and A was suppose to go home (as its on our way) but said hed come to mine then walk back. So work friend went to sleep and me and A hung out in living room listening to music cuddling etc. Then again the kissing started and we fooled around a little bit. Then we fell asleep and cuddled all night. Now this is where gets confusing - i obviously was sooo shell shocked and confused i till didnt understand what happened. Ok the club we were drinking and dancing and u never know, but coming back to mine and getting close and cuddling etc? I didnt know what it meant for me or him. When he woke up nothing was mention (which was my nightmare scenario!) and i dropped him off. Now crappy friend he obviously was, he didnt contact me about it. A couple days ago i send him a message saying i hope he doesnt think i dont care about what happened but i was in shock (i mightv acted a bit cold that morning) but that maybe we should talk so it doesnt become awkward as we are close friends. He replied that its not awkward for him at all and that im a good friend, and he doesnt really remember how we started hooking uo (and alcohol was a factor) but that he wants to remain how we were and hope it didnt mess me up. I was FURIOUS. if he felt i was just another "hook up" he shouldv never come back to mine and act all affectionate and cuddly and soberly kiss me all night. Of course i feel hurt and rejected and embarassed and part of me wants to pretend and reply " yeh its all good". but part of me wants him to understand i was his friend and he should have more respect for me - and that a drunken kiss is one thing, bt stayin over is another. But that means i might come off crazy and obviously he'll know i developed feelings . I could not reply but i feel like, as my friend, he should understand i never do this and him allowing this to happen for no real reason is so unfair on me....what do i reply? and how do i accept he didnt want me and move on?So sorry its long, thanks so much for any advice from men and women!!!
View related questions:
drunk, flirt, insecure, kissing, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, thanks so much for your replies :)Ur all right. What i read at first upset me but it was the reality check i needed. I am not "victim" in this, yes i couldve stopped it at any time and yes i did have hope it meant more to him like it did to me, but thats not HIS fault. Its really interesting what u said Cindycares about how someone is how they are and they want the GF moment, and ur so right. I now know and i am more the wiser thanks to u, and if that ever happens again, whether its a friend or a stranger, whether theyr affectionate or cuddly i will not base how they feel about me ON that. It will be OUTSIDE the bedroom. I really couldnt have gotten more valuable lesson. And Cerberus, thanks for much for ur priceless man advice, it really helps, and ur right he does care about me.U all really helped me with this. I was gona reply sumtin harsh and ignore him but now i feel like i can move on from this and i can certainly stay friends with him. I ended up replying pretty much what i said, that i shouldv stopped it much earlier and that a lots been on my mind since bt that wer both to blame and that it was a one off (thanks for clarifying i need to say i dont do FWB) and wana stay friends - and this is how i truly feel. My pride and ego did get in the way.He kindly replied that if im struggling hes wrong too and that hes my friend so anything thats in my mind hes here to help and listen - which again showed me he does care.Thanks so much everyone :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2014):
 OP, you and this guy had an intimate, warm, and alcohol facilitated moment. I am sure it felt nice, relaxing and comfy for him, and for you too. It was a nice experience, - and if he is not going to repeat it or take it further , it does not mean that he is rejecting you , or refusing you, or throwing you away. Only that you assumed
( naively, yes, ) that it HAD necessarily to mean for him what YOU unilaterally wanted it to mean.
You, like other posters , for reasons that I do not quite understand , have decided that there is, in fact MUST be, a neat , evident separation between lust and sex on one hand,- and affection / kindness on the other. Two distinct, irreconciliable things.
So, if it is casual , it has to be surgical, dry, to the point. No cuddles, not a movement but what it is strictly necessary for the deed.
If instead there is sensuality and human warmth and closeness, in short if he is " nice ", then it must mean it is more and he wats more.
No.
Just no.
It is not like that. It never was.
That's a rule you have made in your mind, but lots if people do not share it ,or even KNOW it.
People CAN, and do, have casual sex ( or sexual contacts anyway ) also with affection, with intimacy. Even with tenderness. It happens all the time, although apparently you find it weird. It's their sexual style, it's how they are, it's how they like to make love. They like sensuality, not just genitality . If all they wanted was a quick physical release, they could stay home, and wank off watching porn- 5 minutes, and it's done, and they would not even have to shave, wear something clean, and spend money for drinks and cabs. But lots of men prefer " the Gf experience ", even just for once. It's not an act or a trick, it's how they do things.
You can only see , and assume, if they have got feelings , and if they mean something more- in time. OUT of bed. If they ask you out , if they pursue you, if they want to spend time with you.
Cuddles mean diddly squat , if not preceded/ reinforced / backed up by other actions.
A cozy night of cuddling after an evening spent hitting the bars, it does not NECESSARILY mean they want more than that night. It could, some times, of course... but it's far,far from a given. That's YOUR rule- but it's not an universal rule, and clearly it is not this guy's rule.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): Oh, the purpose for him to cuddle and kiss is to feel affection and love. Doesn't mean anything but.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): You are acting like a 14 year old girl. Sorry, but you are. I am truly sorry you are hurt but come on, you had a moment, you were both in the mood and so be it. You were not harboring all these feeling for years over him either, seems to me you are hurt because he is not interested and that's normal. But you need to get a grip. Why wouldn't he carry on?!? He is a guy, he was probably horny, and that's about it. It's not rocket science. There are very few men that are sensitive and connected enough to think "how will getting intimate effect my friend?" Hell, a few shots of tequila and who would really be processing any of it on that level anyway.Time for you to check yourself and check into reality. If you really wanna put your big girl pants on, tell him how you feel. Have a truthful conversation. You are not a little girl. I know this is harsh, but I think it's good for you to hear all this and could help you in the future. You deserve to be loved.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): From reading your post, it sounds like you are letting this guy be the judge of your self worth. Listen, you could be Beyonce with an IQ of million and that doesn't mean a man will want to commit to you. Take it as a lesson to know that sex can sometimes be just for fun. If that's something you can't do (I know I can't, my emotions get involved) then don't do it. If you want a relationship, it's best to not get drunk and physical without an understanding of his feelings. That being said, I totally understand how you feel, I really do. However, just looking at the facts I don't think he did anything really wrong. If anything, it would have been nice for him to be a little more sensitive, but to be fair you aren't be completely forthcoming with him either. I think what is really getting your goat is feeling like he is rejecting you and letting him be the assessor of your self worth. I could be wrong though. Just my two cents. Just because he is your friend and you made out with him doesn't mean he is gonna want to be with you or vis versa. Sucks, but it's life.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (26 August 2014):
A drunk hook up is a drunk hook up. The only issue is that you expected something to come from it. It's too bad nothing did but there was never a guarantee it would.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): OP you're getting this wrong. You're not a random hook up, you're a woman he cares about as a friend. There's nothing random or hook up about you to him.
It was just a drunken kiss in the moment of that night and it sounds like it was a fun night for both of you. He didn't treat you like trash, he hasn't thrown you away.
It was just a night that BOTH of you got carried away.
It's happened me plenty of times. I have beautiful female friends and sometimes we were in the mood to have some sexual fun, and so we did. Yeah, alcohol was definitely a factor those times too.
OP as a man who has done that kind of thing those friends weren't trash, they're still close to me and I love them. It was just sex, a night we were horny enough to want to enjoy each other that way. Having sex didn't make them worthless sluts to me or whatever it is you think this guy thinks.
I've had one night stands and used women for sex, that's not what happens when it's a friend. This isn't a random guy you met in a bar who promised to love you forever, OP, it was guy who cares about you who you had some fun with.
I'll say it again, this is not an all or nothing, black and white scenario where if he doesn't want more you're nothing to him.
That's bullshit and you know it. Are you really trying to tell us you've never ended up kissing a guy and while you didn't want more he still meant something to you as a person?
It doesn't mean nothing, it just doesn't mean what you want it to mean either.
Talk it out with him better, OP and tell him how you feel about this. He should know your feelings have been a bit hurt by it. That way if wants to take a chance he knows he can and if not he knows not to go there again or he'll be n asshole tease.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk cindy, so maybe im naive? Its true this has never happened to me before. I did feel feelings, i think its unfair for u to think i didnt, coz when u care about someone whos ur friend for years and then u get intimate in some way, its completely normal to develop feelings. why would i make that up. But Of course my pride is hurt too. So ok cuddling is part of a hook up? and PS when i mean hook up i mean kissing in a drunken club, but once u go back to that persons place means u want more and considering he knew i wouldn't sleep with him and we were sobering up, what was the purpose of him coming over and kissing and cuddling and listening to music and talking? its true ur right hes nt gona act cold, but the way he was was very affectionate and bf like (hand holding, caresses etc) but clearly im clueless and all "hook ups" are full of affection and emotion. Im learning slowly, but doesnt mean i wasnt hurt
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 August 2014):
" If he felt I was just another hook up , he should never have come back to mine and acted all cuddly "...
... yeah, but then if one wants to hook up, how is he supposed to hook up if he does not go to the girl 's place ? :) And why people should hook up all cold and distant , no cuddles ? Are they supposed to say : " This is a hook up, so , no touching allowed but strictly for immediate sexual purposes ? "...
Wait, I think I know what you mean- that if he had really been a good friend, he would not have wanted you as just a hook up to begin with; he would not have even thought to involve you into a one-night-only thing , because that's what you do with a stranger . With someone you know well.., either dating or nothing.
True enough, probably... then again, I don't know how planned / staged all this was. Not much I guess . It sounds like there was enough alcohol involved , even if not in very massive quantities, and this would sort of cloud one's best judgement and make people more impulsive. And then the slow build up of sexual tension , the atmosphere,... he just got caught in the moment. YOU both just got caught in the moment, he kissed you, you kissed him back. He came on to you, and you responded in kind, not like " hey buddy, lay it off , we are just friends " or " back off,... I don't do casual " or something.
You are saying " How did he dare !, to presume that I was going to be Ok with being a one off fool around buddy ? " .. but then again, why should he NOT have presumed that - you brought him back home and he was not supposed to sleep there to begin with ; he did not hear you saying " naaah, not a good idea, now go home and why instead we do not go out just the two of us one of these times, what do you think ? ".
You say , if I got it right, how could he think I'd be OK with just " that ", but, tbh,.. why should he NOT have thought it, you hang out as platonic pals for 20 years, there has never been any hint, any courtship, any romance, and neither has asked the other out. Why should he have authomatically thought that you wanted him as a boyfriend all of a sudden ,- it would have been rather counterintuitive in fact.
I don't think he is being callous or heartless , my guess is that he said to himself " well I am a bit drunk and I feel mellow and sensual, and she is a bit drunk and feels the same, a bit of skin-to-skin will be nice , let's have a nice, intimate, sexy moment ".
A case of crossed wires, probably- and of hurt pride on your side, more than hurt feelings.
Like, you say you have developped feelings...after an evening of kissing. ... You did not feel anything other than friends, knowing him and having him around for 20 years,- and you develop feelings after a few kisses ? This guy must be a hell of a good kisser ! :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what your saying - i am to blame too of course!! But i continued with it because i felt something for him. I therefore hoped he had developed feelings too. But he continued, so why? if he kissed me and felt nothing more, and knew i wouldnt sleep with him (coz he does know me and knows i wouldnt do that) then he shouldnt have come to mine. And at mine we werent drunk anymore...U are right to say if he liked me he had time to ask me out, but i was in a 8 year relationship and when that ended he was in one too that ended a year ago. So you never know what someone feels and timing is everything. He was also studying away so doubt he would try it on while we wouldv done long distance. So i think it was like you said natural for me to hope he feels more - but the point is he didnt, and if i'm honest like u suggest, i feel like im putting myself out there too much when obv this meant nothing to him
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 August 2014):
 It takes two to kiss. You could have stopped this at any point in time, if you WEREN'T SURE you wanted it or weren't sure HE really wanted it.
You are also old enough to be honest with a friend.
I think alcohol was only part of the reason it happened. You were both lonely? and it seemed like a "good" idea at the time to fool around a bit.
How do you respond back? BY being honest. Instead of pretending it meant nothing. UNLESS you want it to happen again. He might actually presume that you are SO OK with it that sex could be on the table next, a FWB deal.
I don't really think it comes down to him NOT respecting you, but him not really knowing you all that well. The fact that you "played" along you can not blame on him. He didn't DO this to you. YOU PARTOOK, you just didn't like that he didn't mean anything by it.
Now I DO get that you may have hoped he MEANT something by it, but the thing is when you cuddle and kiss while drunk and not sober, it's because it might be something you wouldn't really do sober.
What you should tell him? That is up to you. I'd be honest. I would tell him you don't do FWB and you don't play games so IF you are to stay friends, this won't happen again. And then stick to it.
There is NOTHING wrong with you. That is not why it happened or why he didn't want more. He hit on you.. you responded so he kept going.
I may sound harsh, but I think you need to learn to say no thanks. And take responsibility for your own actions.
My guess is you're actually more MAD at yourself for thinking he might mean something by this, and you shouldn't be. MOST people would assume that if someone wants to kiss and cuddle they might actually give a hoot. But you also know this guy has been a platonic friend for over 20 year! Don;t you think if he was interested in you, he might have asked you out already?
...............................
|
