A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with Craig for over three years and I do love him, although I’ve never been sure he’s the one. He’s a great support among many other great attributes, however he has no drive and never will, he’s lazy, he doesn’t dress properly for work and doesn’t seem to care about his appearance, he’s always been like this and it’s something that bothers me, I have spoken to him about it but nothing will change, I worry about our future as it looks like I’m always going to be the breadwinner. He doesn’t have a large group of friends and he can be socially awkward. I can’t help think is there anyone else out there that I might be better suited to.Enter Tom. Tom is very different from Craig. Tom has a good job, is going places, dresses well, has a large group of friends and he can drive (big bonus as Craig can’t). Tom is a work colleague of one of my best friends (Harry). Me and Harry have been on numerous nights out and Harry likes to record them on his Instagram, hence Tom knows who I am. About 6 months ago, I was out for dinner with Harry, who said ‘Oh my friend at work really likes you’ I replied ‘How, he doesn’t even know me’, Harry replied ‘He’s seen our nights out and thinks you’re really attractive and you look like fun’. Harry is very sensitive about mixing his personal life with work life, so when I suggested Tom come out one night, it was a ‘no’. While we were out for dinner, we had a few drinks, I added Tom on facebook, Harry wasn’t annoyed but found it amusing and just said, ‘don’t tell him anything about my personal life, you can meet him when I leave this organisation, not at the moment’. Harry is a wind up merchant and when he’s been out on night out with Tom, he’ll send me videos of him and Tom together saying hello, and vice versa, when I’ve been on a night out with Harry, he does the same to Tom and sends him videos of us. This has then led me to message Tom occasionally just saying things like ‘I’m going out with Harry tonight, you should see if you can join ;)’ ect ect, it’s gone on like this for about 6 months. But recently we’ve been chatting a bit more and I’ve started to develop feelings for him and I suggested we meet up. I went out with Harry last night and I was talking to him about Tom and asking his approval to meet up with him and he’s not keen but didn’t really answer my question. Anyway after a few drinks, I was on my way home a bit tipsy and took it upon myself to text Tom and suggest we meet that night. He agreed and I went to meet him, it was quite late and the bars were all closing so we had a drink at one bar then he suggested we go back to his, all fine.I had another drink at Toms house and we were chatting, I was under the impression that he knew that I had a boyfriend but was still pursuing me, but he asked if I was in a relationship and I said yes, but I’m not sure what’s going on with that. Anyway we both had had a few drinks and we ended up kissing, he wanted more, but I said no and made my way home. The next day: I text him saying it was nice to finally meet him and was I what he expected, he replied saying he enjoyed the evening, but he feels bad for kissing me while I’m in a relationship and it was in the heat of the moment and said he likes me but the situation is difficult as I’m in a relationship. This is very out of my character to kiss someone….I don’t know what to do, I love Craig very much, but Tom seems quite exciting… it’s very safe with Craig, but I feel like I need a bit more fun. I’m not sure what to do…. Another thing to note is that Craig and I had a big argument recently, he says I’m very distant and have been for 6 months, which lines up to when I first started talking to Tom…
View related questions:
at work, best friend, facebook, kissing, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2018): I was about 18 or 19 when I first did something like that. I was dating my current boyfriend and I was a bit dissatisfied with him. I was already planning on breaking up with him, but along comes an interesting friend that helps me get over him much quicker. It's been a story that I'd like to bury in my past because I recognize I was an absolute shit person. It's a combination of me being a coward at the time for not facing my feelings, stringing him along because I was too afraid to cause him pain or too proud to see myself as the bad person who broke up with them for superficial reasons. Because I can't possibly be the bad guy in this story, right?The fact is that love fades and not everyone is compatible, it happens. Don't be afraid to question your relationship with your partner if you're not feeling like being in it anymore.You waited too long until you were bored enough to find someone more interesting. This will make your breakup a bit more complicated. Had you broken up with him before and set him free, then you wouldn't have this conundrum. What if he finds out about the kiss with Tom? You can't just say you were bored and Tom was there and it happened. You're in a relationship with Craig. You cheated on him. Like I cheated on my old boyfriend at that time. What I did was inexcusable, same with you. Please be more careful with other people's feeling, OP. Put yourself in Craig's shoes and realize that this is the behavior of a selfish, immature person and frankly, he deserves better.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (2 May 2018):
 You already knew that you need to break up with Craig when you wrote this... didn't you?
Look, if Craig was the one, you wouldn't have fallen for Tom. It's that simple. Do what makes you happy and since Craig isn't who makes you happy, let him go and follow your own happiness.
Craig doesn't deserve how you've been behaving over the past half year; you should have let him go a long time ago. It isn't fair on him and you should allow him to find a woman who appreciates all that you're tired of when it comes to him. I just had to put that out there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 May 2018):
 Do you really need a bunch of online strangers to tell you that you need to break up with Craig?
Ok then, I’ll oblige.
Break up with boring loser boyfriend.
It’s absolutely ok that you recognize early on he’s not your life partner!
He deserves to try for happiness , no matter how little ambition he shows or how sloppy his personal appearance is!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 April 2018):
 You’re not in love with Craig, let’s be realistic here.
If you were there wouldn’t be another guy in the picture. You absolutely CANNOT cheat on someone you love. People say this all the time ‘I love him so much! It was a huge mistake’ when in reality, people use the L word way too often and flimsily when they don’t mean it at all. If you truly loved another person then there’s no way you could betray them by cheating, it’s absolutely not possible.
You need to break up with Craig, he has too many issues that you don’t like and it sounds like the relationship has run it’s course. Cheating isn’t the way to go about things to keep excitement in your love life. Whether it’s out of character or not, you have done it and it needs to stop. You can’t use his faults to try and justify what you’ve done, I don’t think anybody on this site would agree with what you’ve done here.
You need to break up and I think rushing into something romantic immediately with the next guy would be a mistake. You need time to yourself after a relationship so proceed with caution.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): You have some nerve to cheat on your boyfriend, and then ask if you should choose your boyfriend or the new guy. First things first, break up with your boyfriend. Then after you are single you can decide if you want to pursue the new guy or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): One side note on rereading your post: if you really loved Craig, I don't think you'd evaluate him in terms of whether he can drive or not! A lot of the things in this post refer to things that you might GET from either man. It's missing compassion. Maybe you're a really ambitious person whose main drive is to further herself in life--you have a lot of drive. (A lot of men are like this!) If that's the case, I think it might be good to go after someone similarly ambitious, someone like Tom. Leave the unambitious, supportive, and I presume sensitive, guys like Craig alone! You might end up just using him. Go for someone who's similarly driven
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): I feel bad for Craig. For a long time now, at least 6 months, you've wanted to explore seeing someone else. That's painful. I also think you have a perfect right to break up with someone you don't think is right for a lifetime commitment. It's not fun to feel bored. It's not fun to think your boyfriend is lazy. Maybe you need more of a go-getter and someone more social. That's all valid, but since you have a boyfriend at the moment, I think you have to handle this in a way that's best for both of you, not just you. Either stick with Craig or break up quickly (and as kindly as possible, of course!) and pursue Tom or other people like him. You also mention that Craig offered a lot of "support." Is that the main thing you seek from him? Is it mutual--do you offer him a lot of support? Do you really like his personality? I found it a bit harsh when you said he dressed poorly and was lazy--don't you really like and respect him?In a nutshell, I think it's perfectly fine to have an awakening about the type of man you're attracted to and might be happiest with. That's good--a person should try to be happy, not stuck! But also I think you need to be as giving to the person (Craig, Tom or another great guy) as taking. Basically--go get what you want and need but be nice about it and don't make it all about you! The guy's wants and needs are just as important. Good luck with this situation! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 April 2018):
 I think you should end it with Craig. Seems like you are already over him - otherwise why would you be so inappropriate with Tom?
And yes, I think it's inappropriate for you to chase after Tom as soon as you hear he "likes" you. Especially since you have a partner at home. IDGAF if Craig isn't a snappy dresser, YOUR behavior lacks common sense.
And then you go HOME with Tom and PUT it on HIM to know whether you have a partner? Are you serious? Does he have a magic 8-ball? Should he have gone sleuthing through your Facebook to find out about Craig?
No, it's YOUR "job" when you are in a relationship to BE faithful and behave appropriate.
Instead you sorta string along two men, Craig and Tom.
I know I may sound harsh but you need a little wake-up call because you are being a shitty GF!
If you aren't happy with Craig and it's things that will not change, then you ALREADY know love won't fix it and chasing after ANOTHER man CERTAINLY won't fix it either.
You can choose to be a twat and cheat on Craig. Or you can break up with him and BE single. When you ARE single you can go meet whomever you like and go home with them to all your heart's content, but that is NOT what a person in a relationship does!
So shit or get off the pot. Either you see a future with Craig (which I doubt you do) or it needs to end.
...............................
|
