A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible for a friendship that lasted over 10years to suddenly end for no particular reason? Not really sure what I'm asking here just wondered if anyone else has experienced the same? Can shed any wisdom for me? I'm talking about a best friend someone who you lived close to saw most days, went on holiday with. A friend I was always there for and them for me too. Even when they moved away with a partner we kept in touch, still went on holidays etc. Then they split up and moved back near me, suddenly they started being a douche to me and taking real offence to my honest opinions about it. We had always been honest with each other before. They had new friends(basically the ex and ex's friend) who I suspect did not like me and I was not included with them. I told my friend I thought it was unhealthy to keep hanging out with the ex who dumped them. My friend did not like to hear it.They were very unkind to my friend during the breakup and I comforted my friend. They completely forgot this and started ditching me and short notice for things I'd have to book time off work for to hang out with them. It annoyed me and I said so. Hanging out with my friend wasn't as fun anymore I think they didn't enjoy my company as much nor I theirs. I knew we were not best friends anymore and I accepted I had been demoted for the ex and ex's friend. But I thought after so long we would always be there for each other when it counted. They let me down big time recently and I told them how I felt. I said I wouldn't expect anything from them anymore and they could expect nothing from me. They replied like a schoolkid that 'they didn't want to be my friend anymore'. So that's it I guess. I just never thought it would end in such a lame way. I would have prefered a huge row or something! But this is such a wimpy end. I'm not suprised due to how they acted lately but I still feel a sense of loss. They were my best and only real friend for such a long time. My family and partner etc all think they have treated me badly and had changed from the person I knew so they don't understand why I feel bad about it. I don't really understand either. I know the friend I had is gone and the new person is not someone I want to know but I still feel loss about it, like its my fault somehow.
View related questions:
best friend, on holiday, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 November 2015):
 Ahhh, that makes a *lot* more sense to me, and I was 2/3rds right, but you being a direct love interest was the part I was wrong about.
However, I have good news for you! I actually think your friendship is better than salvageable. I've seen and tasted a little bit of this drama dynamic before (my brother in law and favorite shopping buddy is gay, and he told me story after story about his straight friends and his bad choices in partners that became exes, and the "straight friend fallout" that happened a few times because of it.
You made an easy mistake (well, several of them), but it's actually an easy fix if you can stomach the remedy. That's the part I'm not entirely sure you *can*, given you are opinionated and have a hard time not offering unsolicited advice to friends, even though I know you're the one with the best vantage point because you've been there and you know the person to see what they can't.
To fix this, you need to apologize to your friend. Now I *KNOW* it's not because you committed some grave sin, and I'm sure that what you said to him was the right advice! He was seeking a shoulder to cry on, a "thick and thin" friend who would be there for him in good times and bad.
When you were giving common sense and advice, he was seeing it as "attacking", and when he made his bad decisions and returned to his co-dependent ways with his ex, you were very direct and forceful with your advice and opinions. He saw and felt as if you were directly attacking him. You didn't *mean* it this way, but your opinion of his decisions, his ex, his place in the world, and his choices felt to him like emotional bludgeoning. THAT was why he got so upset with you.
You didn't mean it that way, and you didn't do it intentionally, but you need to extend the olive branch and say you weren't listening to him. That in caring for him, you forgot to "be" there for him and respect his decisions, good or bad. Tell him your friendship means much more than his listening to you.
What that will do is DISARM him. He's automatically defensive whenever you show up. You need to affirm him, not criticize him. He needs to know that you are safe. In time, you wait until he ASKS your opinion and advice.
There are ways to give advice that's a lot less direct and frontal and more diplomatic, but you're not at that point yet. You're in the "repair the damage" mode, and it'll take you humbling yourself first and issuing the first "flag of truce".
See what I mean?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2015): Thanks for the reply.I left the gender out as I didn't think it was relevent, appologies if it was unclear. I am a straight female my ex-bestfriend was a gay man. His ex was a man obv and the friend of the ex was a girl. Before the breakup we all hang out together we even all went on holiday. I would go stay occasionally to visit my friend. I noticed just before the breakup my friends ex and his mate would hide upstairs and not even come down while I was there. Which I thought was odd. If I had a party at mine I told my friend his boyf and the friend were welcome to come but they never did. My friend always visited me alone. After their breakup I was excluded from everything. I guess because I made my feelings clear that I thought it was weird and my friend was making a fool of himself how could my friend forget how mean they'd been. Also my boyfriend was very nice to my friend during his breakup he stayed with us a lot and boyf was very kind to him. This was instantly forgotton by my friend who disliked my boyf over petty little things. He just got so bitchy and touchy and had never been like that before. Since the breakup he had problems with work, money and instantly started dating multiple people with terrible results. I thought he was going off the rails and the ex hanging out stuff wasn't helping. I was just trying to give advice and help but he started getting really offended if I mentioned it. It became a subject I couldn't discuss. I am not a very social person I just have my boyf, my family and did have my one good friend.I have a hobby I'm very into that I do alone. I am just quite a solitary person. My friend was always very social which was nice because I am not. I stop making the effort to hang out with him at the end because I felt like neither of us was really enjoying it. He started doing things he would never have done before like making me buy stuff off him for a profit price when he would have just let me borrow it normally. I don't get why he got so shitty with me at the end. I thought I knew someone after 10plus years but I guess I didn't
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 November 2015):
That's what happens all too often when the friend and the love interest tangle. I know it's an ex now, but I've seen even long-term friendships blow up because of this.
She and this ex have an unhealthy relationship, bordering on co-dependent. Your friend sounds like she's got a thing for co-dependents, and even you got wrapped up in one when you say that this friend is your ONLY friend. You being opinionated touched raw nerves in this case, as is the case of lots of friends being comforts regarding partners or ex-partners. I make it a hard and fast rule with friends not to bad-mouth exes of best friends, just in case they no longer have an "ex" relationship with them. You never win, and it becomes a "shoot the messenger" sort of thing to be thrown in your face, as in "you never liked them!" situation.
Also, forgive me if I'm off the mark here, but I noticed you used an excessive amount of gender-neutrality when referring to your friend, your friend's ex, your partner, your friend's ex's partner, and it makes me think we're talking about same-sex relationships here?? If that's the case, then it becomes extremely clear regarding jealousy, territorial stuff, and ego crashing the friendships.
So I need to ask - is your partner also a girl, was your friend's ex a girl, and your friend's ex's new partner also a girl? And if I'm right, did you and your friend ever have it be something more, or want more, or were mistaken for BEING more? Because it's not just your territorial thoughts, it's her ex's, her ex partner's, lots of ego clashing, jealousy, and toxicity.
...............................
|
