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5 year relationship ending because of us being jealous and controlling

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 August 2014) 10 Answers - (Newest, 25 August 2014)
A female United States age 36-40, *eezy41 writes:

MOD NOTE: 2 questions put into one

Hello there,

Yesterday my bf of 5 years told me on the phone he does not know what to do, he thinks to end the relationship is best for both of us because we will have more arguments. I cried on the phone and he told me not be upset. Then all he texted how I was feeling.

The reason why we argued because he thinks im over jealous and controlling him too much but he does the same thing. He calls me needy and clingy.

I have not seen him for 2 weeks and first time he didn't text me today.

He also told me we are nothing and that he wants to go strip club and go out mix(girls/boys) and he thinks since we are nothing he does not consider this cheating,

he is 29 years old and I am 28 years old.

I(28) have been going through very stressful days. I was with this guy(29) for 5 years. We have been arguing almost 2 weeks that he was telling me I am jealous or do not give him space or controlling him. But at the same time he was doing the same thing being only jealous.

Next week is going to be our 5 years anniversary. I didn't see him for almost 2 weeks because of our fights we did not want to see each other. I offered to meet up and talk our problems Wednesday and he wanted on Friday. I told him that I have plans for Friday. He got pissed and ended up decided next Wednesday,

Yesterday I cried on the phone talking to him cause he told me he is changed and will not add me neither instagram nor facebook. He told me he does not see a future between us and he does not know what to do with this relationship.

I cried a lot then he txted me and told me not to cry that we will have kids...

since yesterday neither I nor him txted each other.

I am so depressed and really loved him. He hit me even once that I forgave him..

I do not know what to do

View related questions: anniversary, depressed, facebook, jealous, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (25 August 2014):

Honeypie agony auntDo YOU think this is good or bad? Only YOU can answer that.

Maybe he texted because of the FB thing you pulled. He knows you are not a happy camper and even if he doesn't want to DATE you he might still CARE about you.

The thing is though the more in contact you stay, and the more time you ponder WHY he does things, the LONGER it will take you to move on.

IF you FEEL like you can HANDLE talking/texting with him then be honest, tell him it sucks to be dumped, but that you will get there eventually. Maybe even add I'd rather we stop talking because moving on is harder if you stay in contact.

But only YOU can figure out what works for you.

Ignoring his texts you might think is some sort of "punishment", but it will do little to HELP you, or make him understand that texting is NOT what you need. He isn't a mind reader, you know?

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A female reader, deezy41 United States +, writes (25 August 2014):

deezy41 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So after 3 days, this guy just texted and asking me if I am feeling okay and how I am doing.

I did not answer him ofcourse. I don't know why he is still asking how I am feeling because he is the one ended our relationship.

Do I think this as a good or bad?

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A female reader, deezy41 United States +, writes (24 August 2014):

deezy41 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So I did unblocked him on fb and by mistake I poked him.He poked me back.

i put in relationship status thinking of him will come to me later.Then one of his friends told him this situation because i have his friend as a friend.He texted me saying that good luck and he wasnt expecting me moving on already and found someone that fast.

I told him i forgot to delete my status and no, im not looking for anyone. He was like he neighther and asked me how my trip was for the weekend and asked why I unblocked him and poked.

I did not answer....

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (24 August 2014):

You should be able to see the things he is saying as well, that the relationship just isn't working out. He wants different things and at the end of the day, he is most likely just not in love with you anymore. I can't imagine why you or anyone should be with someone who does not love them back. These are the realities of the situation which our emotions turn a blind eye to. The sooner you accept these realities, the sooner you will be able to wake up from your trance.

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A female reader, Lonely 81 Australia +, writes (24 August 2014):

All you can do now is look out for You. I am not sure of your situation, work/hobbies/friends ect.. But try and find something to through yourself into, something You enjoy, and give yourself purpose outside of this relationship.

You are worth more than this and it is time You prove it to Yourself!

Best wishes

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A female reader, deezy41 United States +, writes (23 August 2014):

deezy41 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lonely81:: You are right.. He did neither call nor text me yesterday first time. Most likely he does not want me to be in his life. By mistake i poked him on fb and he will know that i check up on him. IDK what to do now. We are not even friends on fb

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A female reader, Lonely 81 Australia +, writes (23 August 2014):

Sorry to hear about your current situation. It is hard to see things clearly when our hearts are on the line.

My guess would be that he wants out but he doesn't want to hurt you. When a relationship ends, it is very rarely quick and for sure it is going to hurt for both people. There is no point trying to manipulate the situation with tears and bringing up the sacrifices you have made. This will only hurt you more. If you Really believe he is the one you want to be with, you need to tell him that, no tears, give him a chance to respond honestly.

Personally, I would cut and run. 5 years is a long time and I am sure you have made sacrifices to get that far but 5 years is not 50. You are still young and you have no kids (I think), you have a good chance to get what you really want! He has shown himself to be untrust worthy, hitting you, even once is NOT ON! If he could hit you, what might he do to your children (when you have them)? Did he go for angry management counciling? How did he earn back that trust? He has also decided that strip clubs & "mixing" with others is more important the you? Not good.

I know you are in pain, but you are worth more then he is giving. Speak to him only if he calls you and keep it clear and to the point. In the mean time, look after yourself. Take back control of your own life. Good luck

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 August 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI get that. 5 years is a long time, but... would you rather he leave you after 6? or after an engagement or marriage?

Take whatever good and/or bad from those 5 years and take them as experience that will help you in the future. Don't look at them as wasted. It's only really wasted if you are with someone you don't WANT to be with and who don't want to be with you.

Just remember to NOT take all the blame for the break up, my guess is he's been wanting out a while because he wants to NOT be dating.

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A female reader, deezy41 United States +, writes (23 August 2014):

deezy41 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you Honeypie for your answer. It will hurt me as hell but I guess I have to accept the fact that he is over with me. He is the one told me he loves me to death and wants to move ahead. All of a sudden, he changed and told me he wants to end it. That caught me by guard but I really loved him.

At this point I can not really call/txt him because I have a pride. I am just upset for my 5 years....

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 August 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI think he has come to the end of his rope and you refuse to accept it.

CRYING doesn't fix anything. You USE it to get what you want I suspect.

He WANTS to be single, so why FORCE a relationship that isn't working down his throat?

Do you equal you trying to control the relationship as payback for him hitting you? I might misread your post but it almost sounds like you WANT him to forgive your behavior because YOU forgave him hitting you. That is tit for tat, and not very healthy or mature way to deal with domestic violence.

He won't add you to FB and Instagram... my guess is because he WANTS to end things and adding you will just cause more drama then he care to have around.

Instead of talking to each other, he ignores you for two weeks? And you have to BEG to talk this over?

I'm sorry, if this is not what you want to hear, but you relationship has run it's course. He is done. However, DO NOT take it as this is ALL your fault. I think it's more of a grown apart kind of thing. And being in a relationship that doesn't really sound all that great is not a good thing either. Whether you have been together for 5 years, 5 months or 5 minutes.

LET him go. Take some time for YOU. Grieve the end of the relationship and then let IT go too. Find a man who will treat you as you WANT to be treated and treat him the way you want to be treated too. Why settle for a guy who is unhappy and blaming YOU?

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