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4 years affair and I don't think he's ever going to leave his wife

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 October 2009) 16 Answers - (Newest, 26 October 2009)
A female Australia age 30-35, *elpisontheway writes:

first of all im begging you all not to pass moral judgment however tempting it might me,,

heres my problem ive been seeing a married man for 4 years..and hes been giving me hopes..that we could be together as his wife had an affair and hes not really in love with her but have to stay together because of his 15 year old daughter,the truth is i think hes never going to leave her

he got caught a couple od days ago beacause of sum stains..and the next day he was drunk and depressed and cried to me that his wife might leave him..well they are still together..im a mess i really want out..what should i do..ive tried talking everything its a never ending deal..i think even if i was only his mistress i should still be treated better..plsae help..im 27 hes 40 years old. and im not in anyway financialy dependent on him..

View related questions: affair, depressed, drunk, married man, mistress

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009):

well for 4 years you broke his wifes heart and well karma is a vicious. what is sad is that you have not learn the invaluable lesson of this affair . firstly, he was married. you knew it yet you indulged. secondly you wanted a man that was not yours for the taking. you stole for 4 years from the wife. 3rdly. hiw did you expect this to end really???????? sympathy for the other woman or the wife?? i know where my symapthy lay.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (23 October 2009):

hlskitten agony auntOh dear, well atleast you have that closure now.

And Bubuvn, you wouldn't of minded if he chose you though would you? Atleast his wife was married to him in the first place x

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A female reader, helpisontheway Australia +, writes (23 October 2009):

helpisontheway is verified as being by the original poster of the question

helpisontheway agony aunti finally got my answer you guys he broke up with me on an email...very romantic now what?he said that i needed to move on and that i was unhappy..and its for the best..for me..very very romantic way to break sumbodys heart i guess..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009):

I can understand that feeling, of being left hanging, left in limbo, and wanting some kind of closure. But I'm not sure if he will give you the closure you seek. I have experienced this before, and there comes a point where you have to decide to close it yourself. Why do you need to wait for some signal from him, some form of closure? Why be left waiting, stuck? Why not decide for yourself that this is closure right now? Why not say for yourself, it is over? Why not decide to not spend another moment putting your life on hold for him? You can take that power back, and give yourself your life back.

It will be difficult, I know. You must still be hurting over all of this. Heartbreak is something I think we all experience at some point. And it hurts so much. But we get through it. Maybe it might help to take a look at some of the articles on this site, and at some of the advice on how to get over someone? There might be some strategies which can help you.

It takes time though. I guess it is sort of like being injured, except the pain and hurt is inside. So you are wounded. How can you heal? We all have amazing powers of healing inside of us, so it will happen with time. In the meantime, you need to be nice to yourself, get support from people, take care of yourself, concentrate on getting through this. And eventually, bit by bit, it will get easier. The pain will lessen, and you will feel stronger.

I think you are doing great, hanging in there, getting through this. Even if it doesn't feel that way to you, you are being very strong in my view. So keep going. It is your life, not his. Don't let him have any control over it anymore. xxx

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A female reader, helpisontheway Australia +, writes (16 October 2009):

helpisontheway is verified as being by the original poster of the question

helpisontheway agony aunti want to thank everybody who gave me really good advice..its been 10 days now..not an email or a message to ask if im ok..guess hes fearing a confrontation with me..whatever it is im so hurt and disillusioned..dont know where to start..i just want him to get in touch with me in some way and at least say its over ..thatl be my closure..how i deal with a broken heart..is not his problem..but leaving me hanging..is too severe..what should i do..everyday seems to be eternity..

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A female reader, Bubuvn Viet Nam +, writes (10 October 2009):

Do you know his wife called me told me I knew him married,(in fact I have no idea of this) his husband blamed all in me. My coward bf told his wife that I knew him married. and she chosen believe and stay with cheater. Only the woman, who no self respect and like money will stay that kind of Idiot.

He told his wife, he never met so beautifull and kind hearted like me, so he cheated on her, and that is a mistake only.

All of the words came from his mouth is lie.

I use to love him so much, but when I knew he is a liar I look down him, and never wanted to see him again. He has not worth to have love from me. I told you my story just let you know: All married men are the same. Always lie very well, because they know how to speak the words, which women want to hear.

Move on. He wasted your time and stole your heart.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (8 October 2009):

hlskitten agony auntThats because he's more bothered about how SHE feels. There's more at stake at home, afterall! xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009):

I am really sorry to hear that. After everything, I guess it would have been nice if he had at least been more truthful. You must have felt very alone right then.

But I guess this could be used in a positive way, maybe? Has this helped you at all in your decision of whether to stay with him or not? From how I can see it, it seems very unlikely that he has any intention of leaving his wife at all. If he was really planning on leaving her, he had the perfect opportunity to say something right then. He didn't. In fact, it sounds like he said whatever he could to keep her.

I can imagine how awful this must feel to you, but I think that you will always come second to this guy. Not because there is something missing in you, so don't even think that. But because he just isn't prepared to leave his wife. I know it is hard, but I think you have put up with coming second for too long. Isn't it time to start thinking about YOU first? I doubt this situation will ever be the same, now that his wife knows about the affair. So why not use this as an opportunity to make a fresh start for yourself?

I do hope you are doing okay through all of this. Keep hanging in there. xxx

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A female reader, helpisontheway Australia +, writes (8 October 2009):

helpisontheway is verified as being by the original poster of the question

helpisontheway agony aunthis wife finally had a show down with me..calling me all names under the sun,,i dint know i was on speaker and she started hollering telling him he cant be in touch with me..after everything he let me handle it and said we were nothing more than friends to her..i had to play along..but im devastated..he hasnt bothered to call to see if im ok..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009):

I will not pass judgement on you, but i think you need to take stock of what you are doing. we all cannot blame the married man only. you are equally to blame. you knew he was married yet you knowingly decided to help yourself to this married man. you knew the score right from the word go, yet you deliberately did not care about his wife and his kids. you too have been very deceitful and you know that you are wrong to be sleeping with another womans husband, yet you contine to do so and from what you have written, you will still be the mistress ten years from now.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (3 October 2009):

hlskitten agony auntHe's not leaving his wife, not no way, not no how. If he was going to, he would of done it by now.

Such a shame as you are quite young and are wasting time on this guy x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009):

I have been with my husband for 11 years and he has cheated on me with the same women for about 9 years. I just found out about the affair. He now has 2 kids with this women I have none. He still did not leave me to be with this other women. He also gave this women high hopes that whenever he leaves me they will have a chance. I am sorry to say but realy will the man leave his wife.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009):

I have heard of situations like this before. The person will always hint that someday soon, they will leave their spouse and you can be together...it seldom happens. Since this has been going on for four years, I think it is clear that he is not going to leave his wife. This scenario is likely to just play out as long as you let it.

It sounds like you don't want to let it continue though. So what is stopping you from leaving him, from putting an end to the affair? Are you afraid to be alone? Nobody wants to be alone, but being in a situation as painful as this is worse in the long run.

Are you worried you won't find anyone else? You can and you will. You will be freeing yourself to be available for someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated, someone who will put you first.

What is holding you back? If you can pinpoint what that is, you can examine it and see it for what it is - most likely, fear in some shape or form. Fear of change, of the unknown. But I think you already know that this cannot go on, as it must be extremely painful for you.

If you want to get out of the situation, you can. You really can do it. Nobody and nothing is holding you back - only you are. So be strong, and do what is right for you. Good luck. x

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A female reader, Bubuvn Viet Nam +, writes (3 October 2009):

Do not go with married man. He lied and cheated both his wife and you. Do not believe him. HE will never leave his wife for you.

If he can leave his wife for you, one day he will do the same for you.

I move on with my life when I found him married. I told him if you love me as you said show me your divorce paper. HE could not show me. I know he is liar. He was using me and took advantages from me.

Please kindly see my true story here and I hope you can move on with your life. You have all your life and you still young. Hopefully you could find a good man, completely only for you.

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/are-all-the-men-on-the-internet-cheaters.html

Read my story and you will recognize your bf just a liar and cheater and cowart.

Sorry my english is not very good.

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A female reader, old-spinstah United Kingdom +, writes (3 October 2009):

If this has been going on for 4 years and you've tried talking to him about it and nothing has changed I think it's time to walk away.

After 4 years, I think it's unlikely that he will leave his wife, no matter how much he has told you that their relationship is over and loveless. You have no way to know if he is being honest with you.

Most married men who have long term affairs like the fact that they have a wife at home who looks after the children and keeps the home looking nice as well as a sexy young girl who gives him plenty of sex.

This guy has it all at the moment. He won't give any of it up in a hurry. You are strong and financially independent - walk away!

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (3 October 2009):

You're not financially dependent, which means you're independent, which is brilliant. You're right, this man won't leave his wife. End the relationship and find yourself a man who will commit to you.

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