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32 and don't feel like making love to my hubby!

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 June 2007) 6 Answers - (Newest, 18 June 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

i have been with my husband for 14 years and we have 3 children. We are quite well of and want for nothing material.The problem lies with my lack of sex drive. When my husband turns me on then yes i'm up for it and enjoy it but it's not one of my priorities. He thinks i don't love him and he is unhappy.I'm not a touchy feely person never have been, I cant change that.I do tell him everyday that I love him without fail.He doesn't do things that are important to me in a marriage like doing things with the kids odd bunch of flowers these are things that make me feel loved not sex.there is no talking to him i;ve tried he just shouts and thinks he is totally in in the right and every married couple are at it all the time.i would never turn him away if he come on to me i just dont do the coming on but he says he feels to pushed away to try.what can i do i dont want to loose my husband but i feel like maybe he doesn;t need me that he needs a single women without the resposibilites of a family and a bussiness to run.I love him that much that now i;m thinking i'm wrong and I should let him go.I must also add that my husband will be 40 this year and i'm only 32 is he having mid life crisis?He is acting like a man in his 20's sometimes.There is no one else involved. Please help

View related questions: flowers, sex drive

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007):

I have the same problem. I work fulltime and have 2 children. But I am puzzled because I used to have a really strong sex drive and sex with my husband was fantastic and now I can take it or leave it. My husband I'm sure thinks that I'm not trying hard enough to get into it but I just don't feel like and yet my husband is a little hurt because he thinks I am rejecting him. We had some marital problems and sometimes I wonder if I am not feeling that closeness that we used to have. That's what I think it is. But at the same time I do feel quite sad that we have come to having no sponteneity.

So I have started talking to him about this and we have decicded to try and find some time once a week to have just for us without the children.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007):

Take no notice whatsoever of the previous answer. The person had obviously not read the question. Even if it was supposed to be a tip to get your husband feeling more sexy it was sleazy and crass.

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A female reader, superfly United States +, writes (11 June 2007):

This is hormonal, and it will reverse with time, and can be treated with medication, or taking a trip with him to a strip club and seeing him get lap dances....

If it makes your more comfortable, take one of your friend girls, but pay more attention to him receiving a lap dance to see if this stimulates any sexual interest or ideas for him...if not, just give it time for a reversal.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007):

I wrote a long anser to this and my pc froze! Never mind.

Work/life balances are hard to juggle and so is keeping up the romance. If you would like to mend this quickly getting your libido back up to speed would very quickly re-engage the romance aspects. If you are resentful of your husband and he of you, perhaps other things like Relate would help. I see you already have advice about that.

But it may not all be in your mind and it is just typical that we women are often told that. Men, for example can have Viagra etc, if they need perking up but there is much nothing for women. Mostly all we have, in fact, is talking about problems. I am sure there is often a physical reason playing at least a part in loss of libido.

I have been looking at ways that the female libido can be maintained, after child-birth and during the peri and menopausal stage for women. Heaven knows I am getting there myself. I started reading Dr Susan Rako’s website (USA) and was very interested to find out how methyltestosterone restores libido as well as having other beneficial health effects for women.

Coincidentally I saw that a new testosterone patch has been introduced in the UK called Intrinsa – see BBC website, health section. This is targetted at women who are surgically menopausal but does not seem to be available through the NHS for women with other causes of lost libido such as childbirth, peri-menopausal women etc. Not fair eh?

However, Professor John Studd at Chelsea and Westminster Hospital specialises in this area and prescribes methyltestosterone in various forms, among other things to his patients.

Why not go to your GP for a chat about this issue? Don't be fobbed off by anyone saying it is in your mind. Perhaps check whether three is a doctor at the practice who has an interest in women's health including hormonal issues. Ask to be referred to a specialist if necessary but if you are it must be someone who is sympathetic to womens hormones, libido issues. Not a man in a bow tie who mainly does hysterectomies!

If you are under stress with life what do you do to relieve it? Wouldn't it be nice if the answer was "Have a nice sexy session with my husband"? It can be such a lovely, destressing and relaxing think to do with a loved person.

I would love to feel like it as much as my partner, so am looking into this for myself. I am sure that all other gripes can be forgotten and romance will follow (although I do have this and am determined to keep it) automatically if there is a balanced sex life within a relationship. It promotes closeness. I am sick of hearing that it is in our heads, I really suspect there may be something else to it. Please do let us know what you do.

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2007):

Country Woman agony auntOh sweetheart, no you are not in the wrong on this one.

Your husband could well be in the midlife crisis and craving a lot more attention/sex to verify that he is still attractive.

OK so money is not an issue, do you work or are you a housewife doing the school run thing and taking care of the home?

I think that if you are the latter then some men still see their woman as being the one who should be there ready and waiting for him upon his return as he is the provider for her and the children and she should be able to have the dinner on the table, all the clothes ironed and a very tidy home and then be ready for sex whenever he wants.

Unfortunately life is not like that at all.

Having had 3 children I would imagine that every day is a very busy one for you. How old are your children?

If you have young children they take a lot of a woman's time and energy and just getting them ready in the morning and off to a nursery, pre school or school is a challenge in itself. Doing the two school runs a day can mean that you cannot get a lot done and your energy levels mean that the last thing you can even think of is sex as you are done in.

After my daughter was born, my partner at the time did not support me emotionally and I had very severe postnatal depression for 2 years before anyone listened to me. My sex drive was completely non existant and so things turned very sour to the point that he found someone else in his life, not sexually until we split up but he confided in someone else. We have split up now btw but we are good friends and have a business together on a day to day basis.

We got help through Relate and then individual counsellors and even a couple counsellor. Relate can refer you to specialist therapists like sex therapists and I think in your case this may be beneficial.

I know your husband only shouts but I think you need to continue to say to him that unless you seek help you cannot see things working out between you and you don't want that to happen as you want to know where the void has come into your relationship either from you or from him changing.

Give your local Relate number a call and chat to them as you can also go on your own for a very confidential chat to see if that could help at all.

There are underlying problems here by the sounds of things but I think counselling could help to get to the root of them.

Does sex frighten you that you may become pregnant again or is it the lack of love your husband shows you.

Have you ever told your husband that his lack of interest in the children and the lack of the odd bunch of flowers make you upset and unloved?

You do need to chat more and your husband needs to address the fact that he will never open up to you.

Keep us posted eh!


Country Woman

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (11 June 2007):

eddie agony auntThis is a very common problem. Were the two of you more sexually active when you first met? I'd bet you were. That is quite often the "bait" men fall for. There are a million jokes about it. There is also some truth to it. You see, his sex life is a priority to him. He only as one choice where to go and you don't really care. He sees this as though you're saying to him that his needs are unimportant and he sees himself as undesirable to you. Why does he see himself this way? Because, he's making himself available to you for sex and you're not really interested. You could take it or leave it.

As an example, you really want to go on vacation. You're excited and looking forward to the trip. You picture yourself walking down the beach with your man. You and your husband fly off into the sunset. When you arrive at the hotel, your husband pulls a 3000 page book from his suitcase and tells you to enjoy yourself. He stays in the room and reads for the entire week. You're angry because you had expectations and he's not living up to his end of the deal. You feel slighted because he's not enthusiastic about the trip you were so excited about. Resentment builds and you are angry towards him. You don't have another husband, who can you travel with? WE EXPECT certain things form our partners. Sometimes we need to work at it to make them happen.

Men are like lions. We are very simple and easy to please. There is no secret in this area. All we want is to be recognized when we come through the cave door at the end on the day with an antelope dangling from our mouths. Stroke us, make us feel manly, needed etc. We need that. We need to feel like we're king of our little jungle.

Women tend to shift form lover to mother after years go by. This leaves a man without options as he still feels like he did when the relationship first started. AS attention shifts form the husband to everyone else, we feel left out. When your husband comes to you for sex and you give it to him, don't think for a minute he feels good if you're just there for his benefit. We need to feel like you're on the same page as we are, you desire it too.

This is one thing I never quite understand. You say sex feels good and once you get into it, it's fun. You also say it's not a priority. Well make it one. You have to do that. Maybe if you treat him a little better in the bedroom he'll treat you better in other ways. Someone has to take the first step and see what happens. It's probably easier for you to make the first move because the worst thing that will happen for your effort is an orgasm. Hopefully this will open up the communication between the two of you and he'll be warmer.

It doesn't make you weak to be the one to take the first step if it's a step in the right direction.

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