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30 year old male virgin. Sexually frustrated and have Aspergers syndrome.

Tagged as: Health, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 June 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 10 April 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, *ary_1323 writes:

Dear Cupid,

I am a shy and sensitive university-educated 30 year old male who suffers from a mild autism known as Aspergers syndrome.

Owing to my social interaction difficulties (I am not socially popular and have no true friends),I have never had any sexual experience with the opposite sex- not even a passionate kiss!. I am a 30 year old male virgin, and am not the least embarrassed to admit this, despite the social stigma that it entails.

I feel that my self esteem will deteriorate further the longer my life is devoid of any sexual intimacy. So, I have been considering joining up on one of these sex date sites, in the hope of finding a 1 night stand or casual sexual encounter- just to get some sexual experience.

Even a passionate kiss and the intimacy of having skin-to-skin contact with a woman's warm and smooth body will be a memorable and very satisfying initial sexual experience. I feel that such experience would boost my self esteem and relieve sexual frustration.

Unless I get some sexual experience soon, even if it is by having casual sex, I will find it more and more difficult to establish truly meaningful and loving sexual relationships in the future.

Do you think it is a good idea if I join a sex date site and openly advertise the fact that I am sexually inexperienced, and that am looking for an understanding woman who could 'help me out' by teaching me the 'basics'?

View related questions: self esteem, sexually frustrated, shy, university

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015):

I feel your pain a lot brother

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014):

Hi,

I'm not sure if you've considered this, but if you feel that it's a lack of social skills that are holding you back from meeting women, social skills can be worked on and developed and I've heard of courses, specifically for autistic people- to help develop social skills. I've learnt about these because I have a son (young) who is autistic. I've not checked but there might even be some material on youtube....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014):

Joining a DATING site is fine. I don't recommend a site for sex only. You said you want INTIMACY. You will get sex, yes, but it will be very unfulfilling. You won't get intimacy from these people. I also would NOT say first thing that you are sexually inexperienced, or that you want a woman to "teach you the basics". This could come off as too desperate and overwhelming. Just start out with a simple hello, and maybe pick out something you like about their profile, and compliment them on it.

Also try not to base your self esteem around this. A person's worth is NOT determined by how much sexual experience they have. I know it's easier said than done. What you have to remember is any boost in your self esteem you get will only be temporary and will fade in between encounters, because TRUE self esteem comes from within.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (24 June 2014):

Dear OP,

I can't guarantee you that this plan is going to work, but I find it worth a try, since this worked for me. I am bisexual, but never had sex with a man until I was in my late 20's. I did exactly the thing you proposed: I lost my virginity for men (I had had sex with a woman before) through contacts on a sex dating site and I was lucky enough to find a very friendly man to have sex with. He didn't have too much experience either, so it was all pretty awkward, but fun. I don't regret it.

Some advice for you (to get higher chances of having a good sexual encounter):

- chose a sex dating site where women AND men have to pay in order to create an account (if you chose a free or very cheap site, there will mostly be prostitutes on it)

- put some good pictures of your body (preferably torso), or of a part of your face in your profile (maybe not the entire face, so that colleagues or relatives couldn't accidentally identify you). A lot of men put pictures of their penis online, but I don't appreciate it too much.

- women get so many messages on these sites (because there are much more men), if you want to find a lady, don't just wait until they contact you. Be proactive! Browse through the profiles and if you like a profile, write a friendly message. If you don't get a reply, write again in 1-2 weeks, saying you know they must be getting a lot of messages, but you really liked their profile and you would appreciate to hear from them (or something like that).

- your profile text should include some friendly words to the woman you want to attract (e.g. that you are longing so much for someone who, with her experience and sensuality, will introduce you to the world of sexuality..), some positive descriptions of you (e.g. intelligent, friendly), your hopes and expectations (write what you want to do.. kissing, touching, showering together..oral sex..whatever you wish), what you are willing to guarantee (e.g. safer sex, a nice atmosphere)

- My personal advice: If you are not used to physical contact, at all, I recommend you start taking some massages (not sexual, just normal massages in a massage centre), join a dance class or do something that requires moderate physical contact, before starting to have sex. Because the feelings might be overwhelming and even irritating, otherwise (sex is very emotionally intense, so don't underestimate the effect it will have on you). Also, if you have a lot of interactional difficulties, I recommend you still work on them, independently of sexual experience. Because to have satisfying relationships, also sexual ones, you need to understand others and communicate effectively.

Good luck,

E.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014):

There is no stigma attached to having no sexual experience. Instead of a sex site, you should join a dating website and find a girl that is willing to date you. I think you are mistaking intimacy for sex. Sex is part of intimacy but all on its own sex is nothing.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (24 June 2014):

Respectfully, have you considered a sex worker? There are actually some kind, caring sex workers that specialize in gently instructing very inexperienced people, and people with varying degrees of social challenges and even disabilities. It is worth looking into, as long as you are very cautious and practice safe sex.

I know some may disagree with my advice.

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