A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a single 54 year old man who has been dating a 24 year old woman now for the last 5 years. I was 49 and she was 19 when we met. It started as friends with benefits but now I am afraid she has gotten closer and started to say I love you. We get along great and the sex is absolutely the best I have ever had. She says I am the best lover as I can give her explosive orgasms and last a long time.She wants to move the relationship to another level and is looking for children and the whole family idea.I have raised my children already. I do not want to lose her but just can't go back to raising another family appreciate the feedback
View related questions:
friend with benefits, her ex, I love you, orgasm Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, zendine  +, writes (16 April 2017):
 If u have children again at the age of 54 by the time their grown up u'll probably be gone and she would be left a widow with kids. That really unfair on her part so u should probably break up with her just saying. It ur choice dude
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 April 2017):
 I think you need to let her go. She is just beginning her adult life and wants a future with children. You have already done this. So the kindest thing to do is allow her to find someone who can give her all she wants. It does worry me why a 49 year old would feel sexually towards a 19 year old.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2017): I am the anon who made the post about those "models." I am only suggesting something to a particular couple. I am not saying this is what all women want. I am saying different people want different things and the OP has a realistic chance of making this work. I am from a country where marriage was confined to strictly only one model accepted by the society when I was growing up. And that model was roughly like this.. no romances.. marriage would be arranged by parents.. man should work while woman should stay at home taking care of children (in very poor families women also worked).. couple should start having kids as soon as they get married.. the more kids the better even if the couple were not earning enough to support a large family. Now... things have changed a lot. Many different ways of running one's life are getting more and more acceptance.My point is, we should not rule out any possibilities without trying. The OP and his girl seem to me as such a lucky couple to have each other that I think giving up one of their wishes in life is absolutely worth it. Of course, if the girl thinks having a traditional kind of family with kids is something she can't give up and she would leave OP if he won't give it to her, it is her choice. But why should we assume that she would not accept the extra burden of raising children herself to keep the man? If she thinks he is worth that extra burden she might not mind it. So why not give it a try? Also let me say something from personal experience. I married late becoz of some health issue. If I had married at the normal marriage age for men here, I would be having some kids now. But my experience with my health issue made me think a lot abt human suffering in general and changed my perspective abt life. Now I have decided I won't be having kids. The two main reasons for that are 1. My health issue is hereditary and I don't want a kid with the same issue. 2. Even if my kid would be born without my health issue, life in general has a lot of suffering and the world is a really bad place for anyone. So, I have decided not to bring a new life into what I see as a highly risky place. Like I said, this change of attitude came later and had I been married earlier I would be having kids now. By the way, I explained this to my wife and she agreed with my view becoz she herself had gone through hell in life. Now, the OP's girl is just 24. She might change her mind like me... and No, I am not suggesting brainwashing her with negativity to think like me. I just think it is also a possibility. So my suggestion to OP is, give it a try. Think of all different ways in which both of you can come to a compromise and see if you both can agree on any one of those compromises.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2017): Forget the 30 year age gap. The most important thing here is that:One person in the relationship has already had and raised children. They have been there, done that, and do not want to do it again. This person is you. And your feelings on the matter are completely understandable. Who would want to go through all that again at 54 or older? The other person in the relationship is a young woman who has never had children and wants them, in fact is probably yearning for them. As you know, once a woman wants a child/children there is nothing on this earth that will change her mind. It is a primal feeling and a basic need, and the only thing that can satisfy it is for her to become a mother. This is not a situation which can be resolved. If you stay together, one of you will have to make a massive compromise.She may compromise and miss the chance of ever becoming a mother. Once she has missed that chance she will never have it again.You may compromise and then find yourself raising another family in your 50s, 60s and 70s - a time when you should be kicking back and enjoying life. One of you will always resent the fact that you didn't get what you wanted. She loves you. It is not clear if you love her. She wants/needs to become a mother. You do not want to be a parent again. If she really does want children, then perhaps you should show her the ultimate love and let her go so that she can find a man with whom she can raise a family.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2017): Oh I'd love to hear about these 'models ' of having a family that don't burden the father and how they will not dump extra responsibility on the woman .
Unbelievable that men think women want old codgers . Sure he might perform now but already he is failing in giving her the most important thing to many women - a family
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2017): Man! You can perform that well in bed at 54 when I am already struggling at 40! You are making me jealous.. haha. You are what many women dream about. The combination of middle age maturity and young age sexual stamina. Your girl surely knows how lucky she must have been to find one of those rare specimens of the species.Many people have pointed out how your girl at her age is naturally going to want children. While I agree that is often the case, I know many girls who can't even stand the thought of having kids. I think (and hope) you might find a way to make it work. As much as you don't want to lose her, I am sure she doesn't want to lose you. And the typical old model of family is not the only way to have kids. I am sure she can understand why you would not be able to manage kids at this age. There are several options for her to have kidswithout burdening you with raising the kids. Try to strike a good compromise. I would not say "be honest and don't end up breaking her heart" because you seem to me like a good person who would do the right thing. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 April 2017):
 Anon Reader - I didn't infer a single thing that the OP didn't say himself. And you know as well as I do that at his age of 49 at the start of this relationship means he's been around the block, and at her age of 19, she has NOT. Barely out of high school, most likely in college or about to start it.
The age difference means POWER IMBALANCE. He has the nuance of a man wise in the ways of the world, and she didn't. High school sweethearts isn't a basis in reality. Her life was just starting, and as he has said - he has already RAISED another family, meaning he's been around the block, a father and a possible former husband.
If both of their cards had been on the table, she wouldn't have been talking about a family with him. She wouldn't have been saying "I love you" to him. And most importantly, when she started talking in terms of feelings (which I guarantee was well before the 5-year mark), I guarantee that he said just enough to keep her in his bed, because if he really DID lay his cards on the table, he would have said "Listen, I don't want to hurt you, but I don't feel for you what you do for me. I don't want to start another family, so I'm never going to have children or start a family with you. I just want to keep things light and casual." NO.
In fact, had he been TRULY honest, he would have told her that in his words "friends with benefits" means that he would have made it clear that the both of them were NOT exclusive. But if we were to ask HER questions about what he's said to her, I'm guessing that he went "Full boyfriend experience" with her, guaranteeing that no other guy would be playing with his toy while he had her.
I actually hate questions like this because I have always been a believer in May/November relationships. I feel protective towards the girl who I'm sure didn't get the whole story about this guy. He is the reason why many people find May/November relationships to be creepy, especially at a 30-year age gap where people say that they have nothing in common except that his penis wants her. When he was 35 years old, she was a 5-year old child in Kindergarten. When he hit middle age - she was in 5th grade and didn't even have breasts, pubic hair, or her period, as she was 10! When she DID hit puberty (let's say 12 years old for an example), he was 37 years old with a beard starting to sprout gray hairs.
He is the reason why many people do NOT approve of age differences of this magnitude, because people are creeped out about it and see some old lech either paying a girl to be a belly warmer or conning one into believing that what he is offering is actually something real and resembling love. So to salve their conscience, they sorta tell the truth, but they hide it in some melancholy romantic story about having been hurt before, not wanting to open his heart again, and maybe being afraid and reluctant to love again, so they should be just friends because it's the "Right thing to do". If that's "Putting your cards on the table", then I'm the Queen of England. REALLY putting his cards on the table would be "We can have sex together, but I'm never going to love you, I don't want a relationship with you, I just want to use you to have orgasms with, and my years of experience has given me some technique in doing so, but in the meantime, we can use each other until you find someone else meaningful, and in the meantime, I'll also be sleeping with other girls and women as well".
NOT LIKELY would she respond with "I love you and want to bear your children!". I'm guessing he's been giving her 5 years of "I'm not ready" or I feel like you're the girl I COULD be ready with, which is basically dangling the carrot without offering it.
It's a stain on the ACTUAL May-November relationships that against all odds, find true love with each other. When it's real and mutual for the both of them, it's one of the most beautiful representations of real and honest love I've ever seen. A few aunts on here have May-November relationships, and I smile every time I read about them talking about that partner because I know it's real.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): "Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time!" Ain't that the truth...? You knew perfectly well this relationship had a use by date; it was never going to amount to her staying forever to be your ego booster. Her youth, naivety and exuberance fed your ego all this time while she was ultimately wasting her youth on a 49yo used up family man... friends with benefits indeed.It’s a pity your age did not impart wisdom, unselfish motives on this 19 year old girl who’s old enough to be your daughter. What did you expect of a girl at that age; to be emotionally and maternally void forever? Naturally she could be enticed lured into a false sense of security by your worldly charm and experience... hence old age and treachery Now that she’s somewhat matured after 5 fun years; she realises there’s more to life... she wants all this time to have meant something; other than having best ever explosive orgasms!? Yet you at your age and motive typically want to make a run for it!Let the girl go so she can have a proper relationship with a good man who can truly give her what she desires and deserves.
...............................
A
male
reader, Faint  +, writes (8 April 2017):
I can tell both u already build up the relationship into another stage cause u already admited u dont want to lose her and that she want to have a family with u, maybe u didnt realize it but u love her, dont be selfish...think about her future...who would be there to take care of her when ur too old or pass away? So is not rare she want to raise ur offspring.
Think deeply in her postion and dont make a regret decision.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): Hi OP.
WHY do you think it's the BEST sex you have ever had?
I will tell you.
Because she HAS feelings for you. Because she does LOVE you and gives you her ALL in the bedroom.
You are going to be very hard pressed to find this kind of sex ever again. Because casual sex is never the same thing. Women who want to bang do not give you everything this girl gives you.
Either way, you need to tell her the truth about how you feel.
Then let her make her own choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 April 2017):
 Do the right thing and END it.
You have been selfish from the get go. This relationship was/is about you.
She has given you 5 YEARS of her YOUTH in hopes that YOU would want to BE her family and MAKE that family bigger. YOU should have been HONEST about not wanting another family a LONG time ago.
Don't waste any more of her time when all you want is a GREAT sex partner. And when SHE wants a family.
As much as I usually don't think an age gap, in this case, it IS. She is in the FERTILE period of her life, the beginning of adulthood and you, well you are heading for retirement.
And if you now are WORRIED that her:" I love you" means she wants more, you are mistaken she has wanted more for a long time but has waited for you to be OK with it - and you are not.
LET her go. Let her find a guy her OWN age and speed who wants marriage, family, and kids.
And FIND yourself someone (maybe closer to your own age) who DOESN'T want more than you are willing to give.
Keeping her around as your little sex pot is unfair and selfish.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 April 2017):
 For what it's worth, a 5 year exclusive FWB situation is a relationship, not FWB. A FWB situation is casually hooking up with a friend every once in a while or short term, not several years.
You thought you had the dream hook up with someone who only just became a legal adult, but you let it go on too long, so of course she's going to have developed feelings. Most people would, but you just see her as a young play thing, not a person with feelings.
If you find another person to hook up with, especially a young one, keep it very casual and do not let it go on so often or long.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): Oh so typical! You and so many other older-men seek very young women in your middle-age; then when you've got them by their feelings, you want to cut and run.
You knew very well her feelings would get tied to the sex and emotions would connect; but you didn't establish the relationship is (and will always remain) purely physical. Of course you couldn't; how would that make you look?
Women don't reach these conclusions without a lot of encouragement. Don't pretend this is all incidental!
You know emotions don't live-up to agreements and contracts. They are unpredictable, impetuous, and spontaneous. You stayed too long!!! It was inevitable!
There's no such thing as friends with benefits, anyway!!! It's an arrangement permitting two people to use each other without real commitment; and leaving the option open to mess around with other people.
It usually ends-up with an infatuation, unplanned children, and/or someone getting hurt in the process. More often than not. You never know where your feelings will turn. Especially for someone so young. You knew you'd take root in her heart!
Well, my dear sir, you owe it to her to be honest right-now!
You're going to break her heart. You were the first serious relationship; and a long-term relationship on top of that.
You're old enough to have considered the long-term effects this would have; and should have seen this outcome long beforehand. Your appeal to her is that you're mature, virile, and well-experienced. This comes as no surprise, you're all she's ever known. Now you don't want to get your hands dirty.
You've had your fun and a great fling with a very young woman, now you're feeling your age?!!
Seriously?!!
Take responsibility and be straight. She'll get-over it. There's no easy way to break a heart. Now go finish what you've started. If you do care, do what is right. I know you do, or you wouldn't have stayed so long.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): Ok YouWish, you don't know their situation. You are basically trashing this guy because of things he didn't write. How do you know they both didn't enter this relationship with their cards on the table? He is not the bad guy, but she isn't either. She may be young, she may even be naive, but being in a relationship for 5 years tells me he treated her well and she got what she wanted out of it too. However, now she wants more.
So, to the poster. Unfortunately it seems the rest of these helpers got one thing right. You have two choices. Decide you want to delve into family life again or end the relationship. She might say she's willing to stay with you anyway but that would be her hoping you'd change your mind eventually. I have zero problem with someone dating a younger person for the hookup, as long as both people are on the same page about it. But those relationships just can't last because one of the two ALWAYS develops feelings. You've already gone 4 years or so passed the normal course of these types of relationships. You are at a dead end now. So those 2 choices are it. Sorry my friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): Why are you dating someone the age of your children . Isn't that kinda sick . If someone wanted to date me who was my fathers age of consider him extremely creepy. Find a woman your own age or are you only attracted to women who are able to pass as your child
I'd love yo head a conversation between you two , heck you wouldn't even have a similar life experience knowledge views or no life goals ! Is there some problem with women your own age
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 April 2017):
I'm sorry, but you need to do the right thing and end it now. The problem is the fact that this isn't merely an age difference issue.
You're using her for sex, and she's fallen for you. It's immoral for you to keep using her, taking advantage of her very real feelings for you while dreading everything those feelings stand for.
Why do I say this?? It's all in your own description of the relationship:
In describing her, you mention her feelings of love and attachment for you, and her desire to be permanent with you and start a family. You said that SHE has started to say "I love you".
REALLY After 5 years, an honest, true relationship should have BOTH of you saying "I love you" to each other.
But the real telling part in this is in how you describe your feelings toward her. It is ALL about sex. You describe her feelings of affection and permanency as if they were unwanted. This isn't after 5 months going out. This is after 5 YEARS. In fact, you mention the start of your relationship as "Friend with benefits" meaning you started it about sex, and you said "I'm afraid SHE has gotten closer". After 5 years, people usually say "WE have gotten closer, not SHE".
Like I said - if feelings were mutual, and you were as into her body AND soul instead of just wanting to use her body and reject her emotions, I'd have no issue with the age difference. But I have a HUGE issue with it IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. You're using her for sex, and you're going to hurt her. Everything about what you're doing with her is selfish on your part, and you know it.
EVEN the end of this post, you don't regret HURTING her. You don't mention DISAPPOINTING her that you can't be what she wants. All you care about is LOSING her. Again, that's a self-serving intention for you. Women aren't mere receptacles to be thrown away once they develop feelings.
If you have any decency, you'll end it now. You are actually ruining her life right now, keeping her from her dream of connecting with a man and having that connection reciprocated. Of having a family with someone willing to walk the entire journey. You're in different places with her, and at 19 years old when she met you, she doesn't know anything else, and you're taking advantage of her.
I've seen May-November age differences when it works out, and I believe in them. But I'd be just as tough on you if you were young if you were with someone for 5 years and didn't love them, but just loved the sex only.
She needs to get over you, and she needs to do it immediately. YOU need to find someone who only wants casual intimacy, and though you might have felt like you hit the jackpot with finding a young woman in her prime, she's not a toy to just use.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 April 2017):
 There is no compromise in such a situation sadly; it's all or nothing. Despite your sex life being great, you both want such different things now. The things she wants most - a family - you have already had and don't want again, and that is perfect acceptable and honest.
There is no saying, of course, that she will find someone who will actually want or be able to have a family with her (age difference is not the only thing which stops people having children together - with some it is a lifestyle choice, while there are always people who have fertility problems).
However, you HAVE to be honest with her and not string her along, making her think you will try for a family down the line if you have absolutely no intention of doing this again. Tell her what you have told us and then she has all the facts and it is up to her to decide whether you come before her need to have a family or whether she is going to try to meet someone who can give her the family she yearns for. I'm afraid this was always going to rear its head. Perhaps you may be best, in the future, looking for someone nearer your own age who has already had a family (or doesn't want one).
This must be very difficult and painful for you, and I do feel for you. Take care of yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 April 2017):
Unfortunately, this shows the main issues with such a big age gap: you're incompatible long term.
You're at massively different life stages; you're near retirement and she's only just into adulthood.
You're going to have to let her go before she gets pregnant. There's no way to compromise on this, so neither of you should "compromise". You either want children or you don't - don't stay with her even if she says she'll be fine not having them because she won't.
Your relationship has met its end, which was more or less inevitable at this age gap, unfortunately.
Please do the right thing and gently break up with her, so she can find someone much closer to her age who wants a family soon.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): I do feel for you as it must be hard to love someone and want different things. I imagine you didn't plan for it to get this serious. Unfortunately I only have one piece of advice: let her go.She is only 24 and has every right to be with somebody who can give her what she wants. You will not like being the reason she didn't have children or get married and she will eventually resent you for it as well. You need to tell her you do not want these things and mean it. Be honest. I'm sure she'll work out for herself that being with someone on the same stage of life with her is better. To hold onto her in my opinion is incredibly selfish of you. I know age is just a number but if you give in and have children, when they are ten you will be 64! You won't be able to spend the energy it takes to raise teenagers and it isn't fair on them in my opinion. I'm sorry and I know it isn't what you want to hear but you need to show how much you care about her by letting her be free to find someone closer to her age who can live life with her. If she stays with you, you'll have lived a lot of your life experiences and she won't ever get to.
...............................
|
