A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a male in my early 40's, have been married to my spouse for 15 years and we are a couple for +23 years. She has been my only sex partner or lover in all my life, so my experience is limited. We have a very good relationship and 2 great children : we find proper compromise in many things, have fun as a family and a good sense of humor. We are surfing the ups and down of life in a pretty good way and have overcome many difficulties in life.Our sex life started out quite difficult when we were in our 20's. She often had vaginal pains in the early years, we learned to solve it (with the help of a sex therapist and a doctor) and had had several great sexual experiences throughout the years, with 'normal'/'habitual' sex of maybe 2-3 times per months on average (depending on the period in our lives). Throughout the years, I came to conclude that she is not really orgasmic. She mostly seems to enjoy the overall experience of having sex as couple, but I don't feel like she reaches a climax. When I try to talk about this, she is avoiding to have an in-depth conversation about it and dismisses the issues as not very important (which I respect). Personally, I like to masturbate regularly (maybe 2 times per week) and I also would like to know if my spouse enjoys masturbation as a way to self-care mentally and physically but she responds that this is a private matter (I don't make a secret of my habit).During the last years I notice that her interest in sex gradually declines and she participates mostly in sexual interaction out of politeness or out of a feeling of 'maritial duty' (which saddens me). I enjoy very much giving her oral sex but she never wants me to perform it for more than a few tens of seconds, I can never intensely lick her clitoris and try to let her climax ('it tickles too much', she says, which is obvious but why can't she transform that feeling into growing arousal). From my side, I would like to receive oral sex in an erotic and teasing way every now and then, but she refuses to perform oral sex on me, says she doesn't want to do it, which I want to respect, but at the same time it leaves me unsatisfied. I don't want to force my wife into sexual acts that she doesn't genuinely want to perform. On the other hand, I have been faithful all my life and really love my spouse deeply and I desire so much to receive erotic oral sex from her : current situation leaves me unsatisfied. I would love to receive your opinion : is there anything I could actively do to spice up our sexual interactions, or should I just simply accept this - I do think this must be quite common and maybe it is better to just abide to the situation...(but damn, I want that blow job every now and then!!!) ?
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blow-job, clitoris, my ex, oral sex, orgasm, period, sex life, teasing, vagina Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 March 2018):
 "Fake it and get it over with! Let the guy think he's God's gift. Appease his little ego and move right along. Never refuse the guy anything. Keeps them oblivious and happy! It isn't that complicated!" is one of the worst pieces of advice I have EVER heard.
Making someone feel like they are God's gift is ridiculous and often builds their ego too much. Faking it is not always easy - especially if you aren't comfortable with it. Never refusing the guy anything is a dangerous concept and makes out like their wishes are worth more than the woman's. It absolutely IS complicated.
OP, sex therapy is needed here.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2018): Maybe she needs to do what I do! Fake it and get it over with! Let the guy think he's God's gift. Appease his little ego and move right along. Never refuse the guy anything. Keeps them oblivious and happy! It isn't that complicated!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (19 March 2018):
 Speaking from experience, most men are far too rough when giving women oral sex. They seem to have this fixed view that they should attack the clitoris with great gusto. NO! Absolutely NO! It is no wonder she cannot stand you doing that for more than a few seconds!
The clitoris is a very sensitive part of a woman's body. For many women, it is actually thoroughly unpleasant (and painful) to have it handled roughly (be it orally or manually). Imagine someone getting hold of the tip of your penis and handling it really roughly when it feels sensitive.
Try different oral techniques if you really want to continue giving your wife oral. Don't head straight for the clitoris but do tiny teasing licks round the top of her legs. Try licking her vaginal area as if you were eating a bit ice cream cone - long gentle licks. Try writing the alphabet with your tongue. What works for one woman may not work for another, so try different things until you find something she finds pleasurable. It is, of course, also possible she won't let you do this because she has been brought up to believe it is wrong in some way, which is a different issue completely. However, I would start with trying different techniques - GENTLY - and see if there is anything she likes. She may just be one of those women who does NOT like oral sex.
As for performing oral sex on YOU, have you asked her WHY she does not want to do this? Is she scared of it because she does not know what to do? Does she consider it "wrong"? Does she think it is dirty and she will catch something? Do you have good hygiene? You need to find out what is at the root of her refusal before you can work on it. If it is simply that she finds the thought of it a turn off, then you will have to respect that and accept that life we seldom get everything we want in life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2018): WiseOwlE - thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it but there is no need to be so defensive or reactive in your response. I have mentioned repeatedly that I do accept her constraints and that I never pushed her, only requested kindly (otherwise we wouldn't end of up with a good relationship after 23 years). I just expressed the reality of thinking in my head and appreciate the feedback, but there is no need for blaming, I also don't blame.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 March 2018):
If you are punched, why can't you turn that feeling into happiness? Because our bodies programme themselves. If oral tickles her too much, then her clitoris is too sensitive. She can't just turn it into pleasure, OP.
Try to see the sex therapist again. She doesn't feel comfortable discussing masturbation or performing oral - you're just not well matched sexually.
This isn't an easy situation, but you'll probably have to decide if your marriage is more important than receiving oral or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2018): You have been with this woman for 23 years. So you know her habits, values, likes, and dislikes. Sex is a part of a relationship that you can sometimes compromise on; and in some areas you respect your partner's right to consent or decline. If the answer is repeatedly no, that's it!
Sex is best appreciated when you're compatible, in the mood, and in good health.
You say she does things out of politeness. This is where mind-reading and overthinking causes conflict or unnecessary marital-strife.
If she consents to have sex without being pressured or doesn't seem to be uncomfortable with it; assume she is fine. She can always say no; unless you pout and make her feel bad if she turns you down. Which is often why women submit to their husbands or fear he will get even by cheating on her. Our mood and sex-drives are not always equal or in-sync. That's basic biology! Count your blessings!
If you don't mind chatting-up about your masturbation; why does she have to go there? If she doesn't like sharing something that private, leave it alone. You've come this far and it hasn't really hurt a thing.
If she doesn't like to receive or perform certain sex-acts; why on earth would you want to insist she do it? This is usually the result of watching porn and getting your head full of ideas, and expecting her to just jump for joy about it. If you just can't get your head into it, you just can't, dear sir!
Sometimes women are conditioned by the double-standard of culture; and rigidly taught by her parents what nice girls don't do. She'll develop inflexible sexual-hangups and inhibitions. For me, performing a sex-act I really don't like pisses me off! If I hate it, don't try to make me do it!
Being a good-girl must have been drummed into her head. Not only that; but she sees with her own eyes how loose-girls are cruelly mistreated by men. Called filthy names and publicly humiliated. To be asked by your own husband is quite offensive and somewhat demeaning.
Most just won't let you treat her like some stupid bimbo, prostitute, or some common low-life porn-actress. If she submits to one thing, she's terrified of with what you might want from her next! Then how you will perceive her afterwards. She's a wife and mother now! Not to put down wives who do whatever you like; but they are free-minded, experienced, and they're open to it. It doesn't attack the self-esteem of someone who is free-willed and open-minded.
Not that a simple old-fashioned blow-job is that gross or terrible. Quite the contrary! If you don't like a penis in your mouth, it is! She may not like it for the very same reasons you don't! Have you tried it yourself? No! It is established she doesn't like oral-sex performed on her. Closed-issue!
It's universally taught that there are certain things (to include sex-acts) that a lady doesn't do if she respects herself. Then after being pressured to do them; her boyfriend or husband may have a different opinion of her. She's terrified of that. Also being a mother, she feels she has to maintain a certain purity and set of values to be respected by her children, and in her on head.
Usually based on her upbringing and/or religious morals; or being shown by society how cheap-women are ostracized, harshly-judged, and disrespected. Considered sluts. If you've been told this nearly all your life; it becomes ingrained, and your mind won't allow you to feel at ease doing it. You have your limits too. Imagine being pushed beyond them.
Your good wife has made you happy all these years, yet you still have room for complaints.
How she feels down there and what she likes done to it is pretty much up to her. If it tickles, please explain how she is supposed to turn that into pleasure? That comment you made doesn't make any sense. Pleasure from a sex-act is how the mind interprets that act, or a certain form of stimulation. It's either painful, pleasurable, or disgusting. Maybe all combined. She doesn't like giving blowjobs. So how fun will it be for her?
It's amazing how full-grown adults who write DC gave very little understanding of anatomy. Even less understanding of what feels good to someone with totally different plumbing.
You even went to a sex-therapist and you still don't understand what's going on down there.
If someone absolutely doesn't like something done to them you're damned-skippy that you'll have to accept it. If you have to be told time and time again she doesn't like it; you can't force it on her. It's her body, and yes she's your wife; but she still to has a right to say NO!!! You've been a couple 23 years! She's doing something right!
Some people are very conservative and simple about how they like sex. It's uncomfortable and unnatural for them to do things that they find disgusting; or it causes them psychological-anxiety. You married a very conservative and old-fashioned woman; who has mothered your children, and has been a good wife. I have been on the planet a few years; and I have never heard of a someone dying for the lack of getting or performing oral-sex.
If you've asked again and again, and she won't budge. STOP!
What if all out of the blue she decides she wants to push a 10-inch sex-toy up where the sun don't shine? She never tried it before; but you're her guinea pig. I guess she'd have to respect your wishes if you decided you have no intention of ever trying that. She might get pleasure out of it, but what if you don't?
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