A
female
age
41-50,
*ongtime lover
writes:12 years and 4 kids.. now how did I go from the wife to the mistress. We broke up 6 months ago due to him cheating with this 20 year female and now as we supposed to be trying to work things out he has moved her in with him. Now we took a step back to see if possible to save the marriage, we started dating each other and it was going good til about 1 month ago when I found out she still spends the night at his house. What am I to do cause I love this man and I don't believe in divorce,if I can save it then I am but if he don't want to where does that leaves me.
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broke up, divorce, mistress Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): he has his lover and his wife , playing you both as puppets. you may not believe in divorce but how about a cheating husband.
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (15 July 2010):
 That is horrible! Sorry you are going through this!
To be honest, I think the writer below is correct. He gets the best of both worlds - you don't want divorce so he gets to talk to you and see his kids, he gets the young girl to have sex with at home ( who is closer in age to your kids than him!) and who he will not have to marry/commit to becuase he is NOT divorced.
He's getting everything he wants hun - he gets his family and a little something extra on the side. Its all out in the open, he doesn't have to hide it and he's comfortable with that.
Honestly, I know you love him, but how much do you think he loves you? Could you imagine having a 20 year old man living with you while you have a husband and four kids who want you back? How much do you think he loves his family and you to do this? NOT VERY MUCH OBVIOUSLY!
He is a very selfish man, a man who doesn't care whether his children have a dad there 24/7 and a man who doesn't care that his wife is in unbearable pain. He doesn't love you or the family enough to have never done this (cheated, walked out and now continued with this girl).
Put your feelings aside and think about this very rationally. Its time to move on and find your own happiness with your kids. Imagine how awful you'll feel if he moved back - the trust, the sex...its all shattered and gone now. What you want is all in the past. It'll never be the same. Time to move on and find another way to be happy in life.
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A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (15 July 2010):
You have my sympathy! What a mess!!!!!!! Especially because of the four children. What ages are they? That complicates everything extremely. I imagine one thing that motivates you to try to work things out is because of the children!?
Are you with the kids now? Who is supporting them? I really think you should consider talking to a lawyer or some kind of marriage counselor.
It's possible that he might give up the twenty year old, but in the meantime "dating" your ex is very weird. Is he sleeping with you both? He sounds really terrible!!!!!
Was he always like this, or was he nice before?
Please stay in touch with all the Agony aunts and we will all try to continue to help you.
Love,
Manya
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 July 2010):
 Why should he choose to do anything? Even mend the broken marriage? He's got you to take care of his kids and whatnot and a 20 year old GF, who he doesn't have to pretend he will ever marry.. Since you, the "evil" wife will not give him a divorce.. So he can play whatever game he wants, he knows you will stay married and try your hardest to "make it work".
YOU can not save or fix a marriage by yourself. No matter how much you love him and don't believe in divorce, he really doesn't seem to care one bit. He obviously doesn't respect you, he surely doesn't want to honor his vows...
I'm sorry, I don't understand why you let anyone, even the man you married treat you like a dirty doormat. YOU can not change the man. He will do this again and again.
Good luck,
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (15 July 2010):
 I HIGHLY disagree with the midlife crisis excuse. This is more than getting caught up in an online "emotional" affair. 12 years, 4 kids and he moves out with a 20 year old that he still hasn't given up? Well, he hasn't because he doesn't want to.
I respect your belief about divorce, but sometimes there is no alternative. In this case I agree with CaringGuy 100%. Don't be fooled, if he truly wanted to reconcile, he would. The ONLY possible conclusion to his actions is that he does not want to reconcile. He wants you both.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 July 2010):
He's got his feet well under the table here. Basically, you're being used. And, to be honest, there is no fixing this. You might not believe in divorce. But he's using that against you. He's having his way left, right and centre, and you're now letting him. You will never be number one in his life again. Never. He's not even bothered about fixing it. You're just wasting so much time with him. There is nothing that can be suggested to fix this, because he's not bothered. So, rethink whether you want to end it or not. Because he doesn't love you at all, and he will continue to just use you until he feels like he can't be bothered.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): I'm not making excuses for him but he's probably just going thru his midlife crisis.He will get tired if her soon. If you really want him back your just gonna have to be patient.
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