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10 euros? Is that really my worth? His ex wife walked away with all the luxuries and all I get is a gift for 10 euros?!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 February 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 20 March 2016)
A female Germany age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hi guys, i just wonder how everybody here think about this situation. I have a bf. we are 8 months now in our relationship. We are not living together. Our distance is about two hours drive. But we use to see each other almost every week, we call and txt everyday. Yes i love him ( so much ) and i know he love me too. I can feel that. My bf is not a poor guy. Please dont think bad about me. Im not after on his any property or financial matters. I have also my own small apartment, car and proper job. I can afford to get what i want on my own. My bf has his ex wife, who cheated on him and give him a bad trauma which lead him to not to trust easily another woman. In this case im the one who is suffering to that. But some events like this valentines day. I mean as a woman, i think its normal that a bf will give some little effort or a little surprise gift for his gf. He was with me a week ago and bring little cup for coffee. Today we talk on the phone and i asked him what we are going to do tomorrow ( valentines day ) he said, he have a lots of things to do today and for sure he will be too tired tomorrow which i know its true. Ofcourse two hours drive is far for only five hours together, cos i have anyway to sleep early because of my work too. Then i just didnt talk and he told me, he brought already something for me for a valentines day last week. i was a bit disappointed. A cup of glass for coffee and a little teady bear which cost all about 10 euro?? I mean, what is that??? In my head, is that really how he is looking at me? Is that really my worth? I mean he is not a poor guy, what about a flower? What about a card? Hey' Im easy to please. Im not a expensive gf, but i think im not just kind of like you will just give me a piece of euro and thats it. I know he love me, he put lots of effort on me too by driving here to me and me to him. But this is valentines day! Im just feeling disappointed guys, i dont know what to feel, dont know what to think and i dont know how to react to this. He marry his ex wife, give her parents a apartment, car and her a car too, nice life and a nice holidays. And what he get is she cheated on him with another man. I dont care what they had before, but i feel so bad about this today and i dont know how to react. Maybe some of you guys can cheer up my feelings a little bit please.. And i thank you guys..

View related questions: ex-wife, his ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2016):

"Is that really my worth?" I think you're being a bit silly. Perhaps you have different expectations than him when it comes to gift giving, but most gifts do not reflect the worth of the recipient!

Be careful, you might scare your bf off if you come off as greedy.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (15 February 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you know he loves you and he makes the effort all year around then you shouldn't be to worried, a teddy and a cup is more than a lot of people in a relationship may have got this year so be thankful. You cannot compare what he got his wife to what he got you, you have only been dating seven months.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016):

It's the thought that counts. I am someone that does like a card,yes its commercial crap but is it really too much trouble to get me a £1 card to put a smile on my face? I think not. I think its extremely lame when people give zilch for these things. Its an excuse to make a nice gesture, which your boyfriend did!

I don't like spending loads of money on it but i like to get some nice food and drink and we cook it together at home.My boyf told me to go hide while we were in a shop and he bought me a card and some chocolates which cost under a fiver probably. But he made the effort to get it laid it out for me on my bed when i got back from work and i thought that was really sweet. I dont care what he gets or how much just that he did it at all is lovely. Your bf thought about you and got you something when he could have not bothered at all. I would care more about not seeing him,but then if its sort of long distance that's what you get sometimes/have to accept. I have done long distance before and i didn't like it. Both me and my bf are working opposite shifts today but can have a meal together later as we only live half hour apart.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016):

you are saying that a two hour drive is pretty long for only spending five hours together.

honey, my boyfriend lives in town and we don't spend that much time together except for a rare occasion where were running a bunch of errands, going to the gym going to church, and going to visit his grand baby who lives with his ex wife.

we've been together two years and it took until last year to spend that kind of time together. Yes, we spent more time going on dates in the beginning but that is called the honeymoon stage. when you're getting to know each other and talking and having fun and flirting. we are both involved into community groups and because of that we are not too touchy feely in front of each other and others.

We have even discussed how I'm putting the hand on the small of my back or putting his arm across the pew in church is probably considered inappropriate. don't get me wrong, we had sex 3 weeks on but it took us 6 months before we mentioned to his middle son that we were dating at all and that's only because he called us on it.

His oldest, who was sitting in prison and bored off his ass called us on it right away and make some inappropriate comments. but 5 solid hours after a two hour commute both ways, the man is spending a full work day thinking about you. you have the most valuable thing of all his time. his uninterrupted time. I have no idea what buy. would have to be a dozen roses or flower of your choice?

what if he bought a single flower, in the United States it's usually a rose but maybe a carnation would be fine too (excuse my ignorance for not knowing about your culture or your personality, my favorite gift from my boyfriend was when he stoped short during the summer nature walk and picked me a four leaf clover. or when he bought the contents of an abandoned storage place and found me a fake Charlie Brown Christmas tree). again, not sure what year was worth but if instead of buying you a cup, he dentist by you were very pretty card with a nice personalized message in his handwriting. does it have to represent Valentine's Day to you rather than an everyday object? it's possible that I'm just strange, I like everyday objects because I consider my big, oversized, ugly orange pumpkin mug to be my Rob mug that I drink my tea out of every morning. he hates coffee and I always jokingly tell people, "I will never defile my Rob cup with coffee Mr pumpkin will be angered!" is it really the cash amount or is that what it represents to you?

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (13 February 2016):

eddie85 agony auntYou state that you are easy to please but here you are complaining that you didn't get enough for Valentine's Day. I sort of feel there is a bit of a conflict here.

Let's face it, Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday that seems to be promoted by people who want to make money: cards, flowers, restaurants, swanky hotels, etc. This day is built up to be all about the bling. It puts a LOT of pressure on relationships as it seems that this is the defacto day to express your love, usually in terms of material things.

I'll clue you in on my feelings: it is mostly BS.

If your boyfriend loves you and treats you well throughout the year, I wouldn't get too hung up that he didn't produce on this "special" day. He may be super busy, have other obligations, or is busy with things. Compound the fact that you are two hours away, it just makes it really hard.

Instead of counting up euros on how much you got and feeling bad that the ex-wife got all the goodies, why not you take a bit of a lead and you produce on Valentine's Day? Men, just like women, like to feel loved and appreciated and it is always an incredible feeling when our woman makes us feel like a winner. Turn the tables on the day you go double down! Believe me, if your boyfriend is worth it, he'll make you feel loved in return too.

Finally, remember his ex-wife was married to him. When one is married, you are forming a business contract (of sorts). These days courts pretty much give 35% - 65% in the woman's favor when / if it ends. Undoubtedly she received a nice paycheck at the end. Try not to hold that against him; it is the unfortunate nature of divorce.

I hope you turn your Valentine's Day around and show how much you appreciate your boyfriend. Just remember, you are responsible too for your partner's feeling of being wanted and loved.

Eddie

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (13 February 2016):

like I see it agony auntLet's look at this objectively.

Your boyfriend has already been in (and been burned by) a relationship where all the expensive, showy gifts in the world still didn't get him a faithful partner. It sounds like his ex-wife wanted him mainly for the financial gain and looked elsewhere for the romance. It also sounds like these expensive gifts might have been given during marriage, which is (supposed to be) a more permanent commitment than a dating relationship, so comparing what you got to what the ex-wife got is apples and oranges, really, and will only make you miserable for no reason.

At any rate, if he's like most people he learned a valuable lesson from that bad experience, especially since he had to learn it the hard way, and when he went to choose another partner (you) he wanted someone who was attracted to more than his wallet. At eight months you are still getting to know each other, ESPECIALLY in an LDR where you maybe don't see each other as often as you might if you lived close. So quite possibly this is a test on his part to see how much of your attraction to him is based on what he can give you. Be careful about making too big a deal over what you "think" you should have gotten, or he may think you're after his wallet just like his ex-wife was. You say that you know he loves you. On a holiday that's about LOVE and not money, let that be enough.

For what it's worth, my fiancé thinks Valentine's Day is a crock of crap, so in four years together I have never once gotten cards or flowers or "even" a coffee cup from him to acknowledge the holiday and I'm 100% certain this year will be the same, even though we just got engaged. Does it mean he thinks I am completely worthless, since he's spending zero dollars/euros on me for the holiday? No. It means he prefers and chooses to show his affection on days of the year where it's not socially expected or demanded, and I'm completely fine with that. I want the man, not the presents :)

Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016):

It's not valentines day yet so don't feel too disappointed! He may give you something nice tomorrow, you can't be disappointed by a day that hasn't even happened yet.

If it is only a cheaper gift that you eventually get maybe he got slightly annoyed with showering a woman with expensive things and presents for her to just go out and cheat on him anyway. He could have had lots of partners before you that used him for money and perhaps it put him off a bit?

If it is just the glass that you get my advice would be not to react badly to it, I know he gave his ex wife a lot but the operative word is wife. You have only been with him for a relatively short period of time, he must have been with her a while before they got married. He could have been exactly the same to her at the beginning.

I don't think you are after his money or a gold digger :) I think maybe I would wonder why he was so generous to her and not quite so much to me. But it didn't get him very far in the past.

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