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Why does he constantly accuse me of cheating? Is he insanely insecure?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 November 2006) 14 Answers - (Newest, 18 December 2010)
A female , *abyNicole writes:

My bf often accuses me of cheating, no matter how many times I tell him im not. And for the record, Im not! He accuses me atleast once a week, though he's been at it alot the past couple days. People keep tellin me that he sounds like he's the one feelin guilty and is probably doing the cheating. U know that old saying, something like "the accuser is the guilty one." Sometimes I think about that n worry that he is cheating. Other times I tell myself that it just cannot be. My bf works long hours, 10am to 10/11pm, six days a week. He comes straight to my place after work 5 nights out of the week, the other 2 nights he goes home to visit his family. Those 2 nights he calls me when he leaves work n talks to me until he gets home. I know he goes home cuz I can hear his family in the background. Im not too worried about him leaving his house when gets off the phone. My bf is mexican, he's very family oriented n a real mama's boy. His mother would be very angry if he cut out on the only nights she gets to see him. The only time he's around other women is when he's at work at a resteraunt. I maybe should mention that my bf is a very jealous man n somewhat controlling man. I really need some advice on this situation, my minds at a blank. Could my man be cheating? Is he just insanely insecure? Why does he constantly accuse me of these things? Please help.

View related questions: at work, insecure, jealous

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A female reader, ladypmc2 United States +, writes (18 December 2010):

i hate to tell you but i felt the same way. my boyfriend and i have been together for 8yrs.and we have a child together. i was working and coming home and taking care of the baby and the house.while he got off work he stop to have a beer with the guys. than he started to say. people started to tell him they saw me . what he was say "i was cheatin that's why people was telling him they would see me. i would get so upset and tell him it wasn't the truth.but he still would come home somedays saying these things just to pick a fight. i felt he was just being controlling.well i was wrong. until one night a woman call our home and ask to speak to him. i gave him the phone and he said hello and nothing else.than hang up. well come to find out he had beeing seeing her for months and tell he i was cheating when he was all along . but what was a shock was his mother knew all about it. his mother had meet her,even gave my boyfrien food to take to her when she was working. now what really hurt is i would talk to her about all the things my boyfriend "her son " would do .i felt i could talk to her was because she was always praying going to church and pretending to so holy . was i the fool . she pretend to gave me advice .but she and him knew lied when he was the one who cheated. i hope you will really listen to your on heart and following it, because what ever your heart is telling you that what's happen. please don't make the same mistake i made by not listening to my heart

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

Leave before u get hurt

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008):

Well, I am going through the same thing. I am completely faithful and deeply in love. I could mention emailing a guy and my boyfriend goes crazy! I am literally at a loss for words and very confused because I would never and have never cheated on him. He loves me I know that but he says he is not insecure either, but what man would admit to that! I wish I could answer your question. I always tell myself any man that accuses their girl of cheating must be cheating because it is their guilty conscious. Now I do not really believe that because I know my man is not cheating, he is a great boyfriend, very understanding, strong at the same time, sensitive type, but not too sensitive, I do not believe he is cheating but I do believe that he is insecure. I have devoted my life to him , brought my child into the situation and he will not quit accusing me. I told him to believe me or i'm moving out so we will see what happens....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008):

I recently broke up with a Mexican man. Please understand, I am profoundly against cultural stereotypes.

But, from my experiences, and from all I've read and others I've spoken with about the subject - the bottom line seems frighteningly similar.

My ex was wonderful, truly wonderful at the beginning and I fell deeply in love with him.

After a year I almost ceased to recognize myself. I adjusted to his expectations (laundry, cooking, cut out all male friends, etc etc etc)

His response? Absolute indifference. He remained deepl controlling, paranoid, evidenced bouts of incredible glittering hatred, extreme mood swings, deeply jealous, spying, and invariably convinced he was in the right.

Get out. Get out now. I don't know who on earth could put up with this kind of thing - but, to quote my father, "it would have to be a woman who had been very badly emotionally abused as a child." Period.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008):

Iam going thru the same thing my boyfriend is spanish PR and i am italian weird combo right?! both hard headed and strong willed and minded and cant take no nor can we be wrong, but with all of that in mind w ehave been together for 2 years and have a baby due any day now all he does is say the he is not the father and what not. and that im a "smut" and a whore and iam such a disapointment which also i love being told this bc in 2 years he is the only man i been with it or even desire to be with..however he has cheated on me numerous amounts of times and for some mixed up reason or another i forgave him not forgotten but forgave as hard as it was. i love him to much and he is such a sweet heart at times but he has his moments where iam scared of him.. it is like one of those things where i look at him and sudden movements from him make me flinch he has placed his hands on me a few times but he is bi polar [[though he will not admit it]] he blacks out and doesnt relize it . NO! im not making accuses for him or saying in anyway that this is okay but i guess i let it slide for some weird reason or another! i just dont know what to do anymore. im hopin once the baby is here he will change esp. bc we are having a baby girl.. i keep god at my side.. so hopefully things work out for u im only 19 too and i feel like i lost alot so far bc i dont have much of anything due to this relationship. but i did gain him and he is a good person i know it..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007):

Hey,

If you want the real answers to those tough questions, check out this site:

cheatersanonymous.ca

I got the coolest answer from the "Ask Mama" part. Maybe you'll find your answer with one of the advisors there! It's free. What have you got to lose? And if you're really stuck, you can always "Ask Gina". She'll interpret your dream symbols and give you advice on the future.

Been There

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007):

I am hispanic and am tired of hearing about our culture being abusive men. I strong believe that a woman is a woman and a man is a man. This 50/50 thing did not work for me although i tried it very hard. I must have broken my culture rules when i helped my xwife clean dishes, do laundry, clean the house, and take care of my girls. She never helped me cut the grass, change the flat tires, paint the house, trim the hedges. But she did learn to put my credit card to the limits without telling me. If you love your boyfriend make it clear to him, sometimes we men need to be pampered as we pamper our partner. Work on it, don't give up and don't let this culture BS get in your way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007):

I am going through the same issue. I met a man, and he was so sweet. I brought flowers to my job, and we spent all our time together. It was a dream, especially after being with a guy who did not regard me at all. Later, on he moved in with me. His attitude started to change. He accused me of taking something from him, and I would never do that. Then, he started to accuse me of other men. One night we went to visit my parents, he even accused me of meeting a man in my mom's bathroom when I had to go. There have been many more cases like that. Lately, I made a decision to ask him to leave. I started feeling like I had made a mistake, because he was nice to me, but it was costing me happiness, and a sound mind. I wasn't visiting my family like normal. I even stop going to church. He would accuse me. Now he is gone, I have a peace of mind, but I do miss him. I know I made the right decision, because even now he'll say "stop pretending like I'm not sleeping with someone, or I may may come by if you don't have company. I'm not seeing anyone. I did not ask him to leave for that reason. Iasked him to leave, because I wqas feeling like a prisoner in my own home. Too many husbands and boyfriends are turing out to be fatal attractions. I do miss him I love him, but I love me more. If you value your sanity, and your freedom to have a sound mind, and If you love you, then get out. It will be too late if you wait.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007):

i am going through the same issue. Imet a man, and he was so sweet. I borught flowers to my job, and we spent all our time together. It was a dream, especially after being with a guy who did not regard me at all. Later, on he moved in with me. His attitude started to change. He accused me of taking something from him, and I would never do that. then, he started to accuse me of other men. One night we went to visit my parents, he even accused me of meeting a man in my mom's bathroom when I had to go. There have been many more cases like that. Lately, I made a decision to ask him to leave. I started feeling like I had made a mistake, because he was nice to me, but it was costing me happiness, and a sound mind. I wasn't not visiting my family like normal. I even stop going to church. He would accuse me. Now he is gone, I have a peace of mind, but I do miss him. I know I made the right decision, because even now he'll say "stop pretending like I'm not sleeping with someone, or I may may come by if you don't have company. I'm not seeing anyone. I did not ask him to leave for that reason. Iasked him to leave, because I wqas feeling like a prisoner in my own home. Too many husbands and boyfriends are turing out to be fatal attractions. I do miss him I love him, but I love me more. If you value your sanity, and your freedom to have a sound mind, and If you love you, then get out. It will be too late if you wait.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007):

I go through the same thing with my boyfriend and have heard that the accuser is usually guilty. i am sure my boyfriend does not cheat most of the time. i have been in a relationship with him for three years and have never cheated on him!!! i don't know what to do either but i do know he will never change. Deal with it or leave. I have tried to leave and can't. Do this before you get to attached. The accusations have kept me from many things in my young life. (I am 19) You don't have to deal with it, it will break you down. I know this for a fact.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006):

I am feeling the same way I am working at a restuarant and i really like this guy we have even been on a date i am very scared he is married because i know for a fact some of the other guys are married and cheating it is really too bad because i am very interested but im not sure if im willing to take that chance to be hurt i love latinos i think they are so cute but oh well.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (13 November 2006):

eddie agony aunt

This is a situation you have to deal with quickly. You brought up the fact he's Mexican. People can't be painted with the same brush but there are some cultural traits that are more common in dome cultures than others. I'm married to a hispanic woman for ove 20 years and have lots of experience in that area. I must say that I have never met more men who cheat than I h ave since knowing her. IT's quite common, alomst expected and sometimes tolerated. This has been a topic of discussion many times for us. I know it happens in all cultires but it seems more prevalent in the latin culture.

Due to the machoness of the society, many women do live by standards that women of other cultures would not put up with. My experiences have been, the people that have "old values" tend to have one rule for the men and an other for the women. In other words, the men do as they please and answer to nobody. I've seen it a million times. I actually lived in my wifes country for a year and we couldn't get passed that. She tried to make plans to go to the movies with other female co workers and the reply was always the same, " I'll have to ask my husband"

So, don't be sucked in by niceness. Yes he might love you but it's under his terms. If you try to make some choices of your own, watch how quick he pulls the leash on you.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (13 November 2006):

Yos agony auntYou have identified the cause already: jealousy. This can be caused by many things, and is quite normal. There are several steps to take:

- First your boyfriend needs to be willing to admit that he is jealous. Being jealous can be very unpleasant (the feelings are vey painful). Have you tried talking to him about how it feels for him? It is a difficult subject, but you want to try to turn it into a shared problem the both of you can talk about, rather than an issue that you just fight about. It can be very hard for a jealous person to admit they are jealous, because they can be ashamed of the loss of control jealousy implies. Try to be the person he can turn to to talk about it with. He will have a lot of pain inside him because of it.

- Once he admits he has a problem, and you are talking about it, you are half way there. After that he can learn techniques for dealing with his jealousy. There are good books and web sites on how to do this, or a therapist can help. The basic technique is to learn to recognize the jealousy when it hits you, and to see it as 'not me'. This can be helped by things you can do (like reassurance,) and by him having a mental checklist of reasons why he has no need to be jealous that he can go through at the time.

Over time as he becomes more able to cope with the emotions, they will start to exert less control over his behaviour.

You should take one thing away that is reassuring: jealousy is a sign of love. You can be sure from his reaction that he does have strong feelings for you, since jealousy only happens when someone does. If he did not care about you then he would not be jealous. It can be helpful to remind yourself of this in the darker moments.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):

I think your boyfriend may be an abuser of women....the insane jealousy and the controlling behavior are two very big red flags that you mention....I don't mean to sound racist but Mexican men in general are from a culture that places women as second class citizens, women cannot make any decisions within the marriage without the man approving or disapproving them, and more often than not her needs do not enter into the picture at all....her job is to be the cook, cleaner and the baby maker, and be his sexual slave...lol....are these your cultural roots? If not, you need to end this relationship as you will never understand each other, not will you want too.

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