A
male
 ,
*oe
writes:Hi, I need help to save my marriage.I've been happily married for just under 4 years and with my partner for a total of 6 years and I have been terrible to her and caused her some god awful pain, pain she does not need as she is heavily pregnant with our second child.Basically for four of the years I had secretly sending emails to an ex after I told my wife I would never speak to this person again. The emails contained various details of my life and especially any arguments I had with my wife.At one point the arguments got so bad I sent an email about breaking up and saying my wife wasn't the one and I knew that when she asked me to give up the friendship with the Ex.Now of course my wife did find these emails and is utterly distraught over it and if anything is balancing very finely on some string as to whether to divorce or not.In these emails there were some horrible things said and at no point did I correct my lies about the separation or even tell the truth about just how happy I was because after all the things I had put my wife through things were starting to look great (1st child, regular work, new place to live etc..) as everything came all at the same time.My wife is right to be so disgusted with me but I said alot of stupid, stupid things in those emails when I was angry and I never meant them, I have never been good at expressing emotions and I clam up so bad when we try to talk things through that I struggle to put a sentence together that makes sense.All I want to do if given the chance is to prove to her just how much being my wife and how much I love her actually means to me, I want her to understand I regret everything and only ever wish to be with her and my family for as long as i live, i just love her so much and i know what i done was a whole nother level of stupid but I don't want to lose the women i love so much and i want her to know it is only ever her i want to be with.please help if you can i just dont know were else to turn for guidance anymore.thanks from a desperate husband
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 April 2012):
 Hi
The fact you managed to email another woman for 4 years tells me you do NOT have a problem expressing yourself. At least in words/Pick up a pen and write down how sorry you are,what you feel, if you cant say the words.
Your wife is pregnant and extra vulnerable so if you sincerely want to keep this marriage going you have alot of making up to do.But dont just use empty words and flowery phrases,prove it with actions too.When the baby is here, go to counselling together and learn how to communicate with each other.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 Lots of people have difficulty articulating their thoughts. That's why it's best to put them down on paper. Make it a nice love letter to her. Say what's in your head. I'm sure she'll be impressed that you took the time to do something so romantic and thought-provoking.
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A
male
reader, Joe +, writes (27 April 2012):
Joe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice, I don't know how or why but my wife seems to be giving me the time to show her how sorry I am and how much I love her.
Which brings me to ask for more help as I previously mentioned I have trouble explaining or putting sentences together but I now feel since my wife explained to me I have a bigger problem just expressing emotions, there are some things that have happened to us as a couple and to me personally but I don't show emotion what is out there to help me better understand why this is or if there was some underlying issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Hi. Have you only just stopped emailing since you were caught or did the emails cease some time ago? Were you sexually inappropriate with this ex at all or talk of love and regret that you two didnt make the grade together?
Also, I am wondering what you hoped to gain by continuing contact with this ex and implying you were unhappy with your wife. And why did you saved all the emails? Strange behavior for a happily married man, dont you think?
You mention fixing things with your wife because she has this `problem` with you now. But it is not be her that needs fixing...its you. She is reacting normally to an abnormal situation you have brought to the table. So in effect she is fine (as far as she can be, bless her) and behaving normally. You are the one with the problem that needs fixing.
If you can work on yourself, find out what made you turn to this ex, what made you want to keep up the pretense you were unhappy etc, then you might be able to understand yourself a little better AND avoid doing this type of thing again. Because right now your wife will be viewing you as a lost cause, especially if you say you dont know what made you behave as you did. How can she ever be sure it wont happen again if you dont even understand what causes you to behave that way?
Being in secret contact for 4 years with another woman takes some work! Sharing all the intimate details of life with your wife. Leading your ex on to believe you were very unhappy. What were you hoping to achieve? If there was no particular reason for doing all that. Then that makes you a huge risk and hardly worth bothering with because you did something very hurtful not only to your wife but your child and unborn child too. You actions could affect them long term and you dont even know why you did it? That alone will make your wife feel you are not worth much. Because in affect you have told her that she and the children arent worth much to you. You will risk losing them all for....no good reason... just that you like emailing ex`s and pretending you are unhappy!
You will have to excuse her for thinking it might mean you cant value her and the children if you are prepared to risk losing them all so you can carry on in secret with an ex. Thats what your actions have shown her and actions speak louder than words, so saying sorry after 4 years of bad actions wont be enough nor carry much weight with her for now.
I think you might benefit from some counseling just for yourself before you try and suggest couples counseling. You need to explore why you behaved that way and what needs doing to fix that problem. Then your wife can see you are making an effort to change and its not all just words. For two thirds of the time you have been with your wife, you have lied and pretended to be honest with her when you werent. Not only that but you have been lying to your ex too. With respect, you need to sort yourself out before you can begin to fix things with your wife. I think Code Warrior has made a very good point and it might be worth using that as a starting point in your road to self discovery. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (25 April 2012):
Well if you can't create a sentence to say these things, then write them down. Since writing seems to be your curse, put it to good use for a change. Type up a heart felt apology. Put down all the stuff you've told us. Tell her how much you love her. Say it from the heart. Be truthful. Bare all. Be sincere. And maybe, just maybe her heart will melt and your relationship can begin to heal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): You stabbed your wife in the back, and for four years too, so I dont' think it's possible to win her trust back. Some times the damage done is irreversible. Be the best husband you can be now, but realize that it may not be enough because you can't turn back time and have a do-over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): I would suggest you write a sincere letter apologising and telling her how much you love her, tell her how much you regret what happened, just put your feelings on paper. Her trust in you has been squashed and the fact that you would discuss arguments with your wife and such with an ex is just downright daft, now would be a great time to cut ties with the past dont you think? You have to just be humble, swallow your pride and reassure her that you love her. Play it at her pace, be patient if she isnt open to discussing this matter now wait until she cools off then try talking to her again. Do the whole flowers, cards whatever it takes to soften her stance. I wish you luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012):
Many years ago my husband was sending letters to his ex, I came across the replies when cleaning out his car,they had been sent to his work. I was devastated and confronted him, he was angry because he was caught out. I told him to go, to leave me alone for a week. It was clear from the letters he had been critisising our marriage and me.
He came back after I had calmed down. It was a massive thing to me,like he had cheated,he had broken my trust.We did work it out as there were kids involved, but I never trusted him the same again and years later we split up.
You need to PROVE you love your wife, you need to get her trust back. You have stabbed her in the back in a major way. Its going to take time and effort.If you cant talk to her go to counselling together.Write down what you feel for her.But whatever you do be SINCERE.
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A
female
reader, Wisdom +, writes (24 April 2012):
 Well when you mess up you don't do it in halves do you?
I am going to be honest I don't think there is much you can do. I can only imagine what your wife is going though. You need to ask yourself why you sent the emails in the first place.
Then if you still want to be married then you need to BEG and PLEAD with her. You are going to have to put up one hell of a fight to win this lady back.
I would suggest to her that you try coupples counselling. I would sugges that she can have access to EVERYTHNG of yours until that trust is built up again (if ever).
There may not be much you can do other than keep saying sorry and trying to make it up to her. Right now she is pregnant feeling isolated and deverstated..... what did you think was going to happen?
Under no circumstance are you to contact your ex again...
I really hope you can work it out,
ALl the best
S
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