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I have a fear of people being sexually better than me, in my boyfriend's eyes in terms of attractiveness and performance

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Question - (30 June 2012) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone, I have an odd fear. I wonder if anyone else has it. I have a fear of people being sexually better than me, in my boyfriend's eyes in terms of attractiveness and performance. I found out my boyfriend had been using porn and it played on my mind I obsessed over it, I know he finds these people sexually better than me because of how angry he was when told to stop. His television is massive and in hd. He is less pervier than most men. My first boyfriend was a porn addict who had porn on his phone, usb stick, computer and video tapes. It was obvious he thought these people were better than me sexually. How could I get over this fear?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012):

He turned down pictures of me to use he claims he was worried someone would steal them. I think he knew he wouldn't of used them.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (30 June 2012):

person12345 agony auntThey can't be better in bed than you because he never had sex with them, he had sex with his hand. I have many links on my page that you may find helpful in this, I highly recommend looking at them. He was not angry about being asked to stop because he finds it better than you, he was angry because he was feeling defensive about doing it. Many men find it something to be ashamed of AND it's likely a habit he's had since he was a teenager.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012):

For the record OP, porn is not worth feeling this shit over, you really need to get over it somehow. If your boyfriend watches it and it causes you this much pain, tell him to sling his hook and find a guy who doesn't watch it. What use is obsessing over it in such a way to you?

This is something you have to get help to move beyond, whether we like or dislike porn we can't help a person just turn off a fear because it doesn't matter if we agree or disagree with you it's not going to get rid of this for you, so you need professional help for this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012):

"I know he finds these people sexually better than me because of how angry he was when told to stop."

That's not true at all. How can a picture or video be sexually better than you?

You need to go see counselling OP. When a fear has no basis in logic or reality it's time you went and got help because that means it's an irrational fear and one which seems to be having a very profound effect on you by the sounds of things.

You need to go seeks counselling for your very obvious low self worth, I mean you think so little of yourself as to think a picture or video of another woman must be better than you sexually? That makes no sense. Go seek help.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 June 2012):

janniepeg agony auntMen don't expect all women to be fit like porn actresses and women don't expect all men to be able to perform like porn actors. Sadly, people who use porn as a reference point of how sex should be will be disappointed in real life, with both themselves and their partners. People don't leave their partners because they don't match up to the porn ideal. If anything porn addiction made people become poor lovers. Intellectually we all know that porn is fantasy. It is the habit, the frequent watching that made us think sex should be picture perfect every single time. You can tell your current boyfriend about your dislike of porn, how you were negatively affected by it. But you can't talk to him like you were chastising your ex if he is not addicted and your sex life is still fine. Porn became a trigger of insecurity for you, and it would be very helpful and considerate of your boyfriend to remove these triggers and focus on improving your intimacy.

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