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I found my boyfriend has been masturbating on webcam to four other girls

Tagged as: Teenage, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 September 2012) 9 Answers - (Newest, 12 September 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, *hiisainiji writes:

Hi everyone.

So, I've been dating this guy for 6 months - but I found out he had been masturbating on webcam to four other girls, including two girls who I know personally, one of whom used to be one of my best friends a few years back. He also had photos of them on his computer (Which is how I found out).

I asked him two months ago if he had ever flirted or anything with other girls since we've been together, and he said he hadn't.

When I found out, he apologised profusely and he says he loves me and he doesn't know why he did it.

I really like him, but it's hurt me a lot as I've had a tough time with relationships in the past, and due to the fact we were best friends before we got together, he knew all my past experiences and claimed he wouldn't hurt me like they did, so it's sort of ruined my trust completely.

I want to stay with him, but I don't know how I can get past the jealousy and paranoia I'm constantly battling with.

And also - am I wrong in thinking that the girl who was my best friend should have told me OR apologised to my face? Whereas she first denied it happened then just apologised via text?

Thanks in advance for your help.

xx

View related questions: best friend, flirt, jealous, text

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A female reader, chiisainiji United Kingdom +, writes (12 September 2012):

chiisainiji is verified as being by the original poster of the question

chiisainiji agony auntThanks everyone for your help xx

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (11 September 2012):

Fatherly Advice agony auntChiisainiji,

It doesn't change the loss. It doesn't change the breaking of trust. It doesn't restore the trust. It doesn't change the pain you are feeling when you are close to him. It doesn't change your need for help to overcome this.

Here is what it does do. It shows a willingness on his part to make a change. It does not indicate his ability to do it.

At his age there is every possibility that he can learn from his mistake, and overcome this weakness, but it will not be easy. That is why he is in need of counseling.

FA

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (11 September 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntno honey it doesn't change anything.

read what Honeypie and FA wrote again...

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A female reader, Stayc63088 United States +, writes (11 September 2012):

Stayc63088 agony auntI went through a similar situation. I had an ex that I caught he had masturbated to a webcam chick. I had also asked if he did such things. He said he does not. I believed him then later found out I was lied to. The trust was gone completely. He deleted all of the contacts from his life, he even destroyed his computer to prove he wouldn't ever do it again. How could I not try to forgive him and try the relationship again? So we tried. I was constantly scared and paranoid of what he was doing or lying about. I checked his phone. I checked his account. I turned into someone I didn't like. Even through all that he ended up lying to me again. He was able to get online by other means and do the same shit. At that point I was obviously done.

My point is the relationship was never healed after the first lie. We had a lot of difficulty and paranoia to get through. Also resentment for being lied to and treated that way. And he still lied again anyway. It doesn't matter that your bf deleted the people and swears he won't do it again, my ex did too. He was able to lie in the first place and didn't fess up or apologize until he was caught. That speaks volumes. And he did it FOUR times, with your FRIENDS. That is even worse than I went through.

He is a liar, you won't gain the trust back fully and he will most likely just lie again and destroy everything completely. People who are able to lie and do such things don't just change by deleting names. You are too young to deal with such issues and a cheater.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012):

No, it doesn't change anything. He only cut them off because he got caught. Who knows how long it would have gone on if he hadn't? Besides, once he thinks you've forgotten about this, he might contact them again behind your back. Then he'll be back to masturbating over them. Or, he'll just start doing it to other girls. I wouldn't trust anyone who only admits to something because they got caught. That's not honesty, because they were "forced" to tell you since you had proof. I've dated people like this, and they NEVER change. You just go around in circles. They pretend to change for a little while to convince you things will get better, but as soon as they think you've let your guard down, you're right back where you started. I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm just waring you of what will happen if you stay with this guy. But in the end, it's your choice.

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A female reader, chiisainiji United Kingdom +, writes (11 September 2012):

chiisainiji is verified as being by the original poster of the question

chiisainiji agony auntThanks all for the advice.

I forgot to add that after I found out, he cut off all contact with these girls and any others that he didn't really know in person. Does that change anything?

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A male reader, Replacement Canada +, writes (11 September 2012):

Replacement agony auntMales can take a while to mature and become faithful partners. Unfortunately for you, you got burned by one. He cheated on you with four other girls that you and he knew personally. He may not have had physical sex with them, but... he may as well have. He will probably do it again if you keep him around. He has damaged your trust and disrespected you. You need to have an honest talk with yourself about what you are willing to put up with to maintain the relationship. He is the one at fault, and you are the one who suffers for it.

I think it would take a lot to get over something like this and it probably won't be worth it in the end.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (11 September 2012):

Fatherly Advice agony auntChiisainiji,

Have you learned the important lessons from this? There are two.

Don't go putting your body online, sooner or later it is going to show up where you don't want it. I know you are innocent of that but the lesson needs to be reinforced.

Second, Relationships are made of trust. I've been pounding this point for the last few months here on Cupid. Your statement that you want to be with him but don't know how to get over the jealousy and paranoia, is exactly right. You still have emotional connections to him but the trust vanished when you saw the evidence. Now when you see him it hurts because you love him but you see in your mind him cheating on you.

This is a very grown up situation for a person of 16 or 17 to have to deal with. Many marriages never recover from cheating because of the same emotions you are feeling right now. Your connections may be strong but they are likely much less than a 6 year marriage with children and history.

You may be able to save the relationship. You will not be able to save it without counseling. It is a bigger problem than you are able to handle yourself. He needs counseling more than you.

Much of the advice you will get will tell you he isn't worth it. I would agree with that. You are young there are lots of better fish out there. Only you will know if you are willing to go through what it will take to bring this back. If the long term friendship is enough. You are a good person just to consider forgiving him.

One last thing you have suffered a loss. You need to mourn that loss properly. You need some knowledge and support to do that.

FA

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 September 2012):

Honeypie agony auntOK, let me start from the end of your post,

I DO think you are wrong in expecting an explanation or apology from the girl who USED to be your friend. A GOOD friend would have ended the video chat and told you, but obviously she wasn't a good friend, so having expectations of her behaving like a good friend is moot and pointless. (Basically a waste of time). The fact that she DID apologize (even if it was via text) ought to be enough. The REAL culprit is your BF.

And you are letting him off the hook.

The fact that you accepted his "apology" and "I don't know why I did it" makes me think that you want to be in this relationship MORE then you want him to respect you as a woman and partner.

And yes, He LIED. And when pushed with the facts, he came up with the LAMEST excuse in the book. I don't know.

NO ONE takes their dick out in a video chat without knowing WHAT they are doing. He LIKED how it made him feel and you, my dead, were NOT on his mind at all. He thought he could get away with it. And he did. He did it 4 times after all.

I'm not sure why you so desperately want to be with this guy.

He isn't trustworthy, he lies and disrespect you. To be honest I think you two will have a HARD time building a lasting relationship on such a weak foundation.

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