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I don't want to break up with him, but it hurts so bad to love someone and tell it constantly, and get NOTHING back

Tagged as: Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 June 2011) 9 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2011)
A female United States age 36-40, *ovesaidno writes:

So I have been dating this guy for over 9 months now. We work together, go to lunch together, leave together. And on our days off we spend time together. He is always there when I need him. But he hasn't said I love you. I do love him and I have expressed this to him, and got nothing in return. I am a VERY affectionate person, and he is not. He hasn't told me I am pretty in the nine months we have been together, and when I bring it up, he aknowledges it...that's it. That REALLY hurts. When I confront him on all of this, his reply is that he protects his emotions... How can we progess if he is protecting his emotions? I don't want to break up with him, but it hurts so bad to love someone and tell it constantly, with NOTHING back

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A female reader, lost.dreamer Canada +, writes (1 July 2011):

Well speaking about bricks, thats another way to see things in the visual, image every time he messes up... you place a brick on the wall between you, and when he does the special something, it blows up the bricks... well if that brick wall every gets too high and too thick, that you will never be able to break it down... maybe its time to move on.

love, luck and laughter today and everyday from here on out

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A female reader, Lovesaidno United States +, writes (19 June 2011):

Lovesaidno is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lovesaidno agony auntWow, that just hit me like a ton of Bricks... The more he is not showing it, the more the ice is building

*tear*

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A female reader, lost.dreamer Canada +, writes (19 June 2011):

Sorry to hear about the cancer test,good luck, but just for a positive my first bout with C was when I was 12, some mild issues since but I'm 39 and totally fine. Positive thought works great, when it comes to health, I believe. As for your guy, I can sence your hurt, and it must cause alot of confused emotions, but I have something for you to think on.

It's not an answer, just away to figure out the confusion. It seems like some of his cold ways (as you see it, he just may not be a warm, snuggly emotional guy, some aren't) are cuasing a layer of ice around your heart, is there times when he manages to melt away the layer of cold ice, or does he just chip away at it in little bits as ice continues to build. If the ice is getting thicker and thicker as the months progress, he may not be the guy for you.

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A female reader, Lovesaidno United States +, writes (16 June 2011):

Lovesaidno is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lovesaidno agony auntI totally get what your saying.

I had a cancer screening today, which I was so scared about that I was in tears. I'm only 31.

He had the day off today, and He told me he was there to talk to if I needed it, but didnt offer to come with me. When I expressed how I was a little disappointed that he didn't offer to come, he said that he wanted to but didnt want to have him being sick interfer...Mind you he thought he had UTI, which he didn't. I was all alone scared out of my mind. I just wish that someone there. And when I told him Really...thats your answer, he said fine be mad cause I was looking out for you....he is hurting me more that he is being there

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 June 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt So basicallly you are proving Caring Guy totally right :)-

death metal guy with hateful mind and ( at least speaking in broad generalization ) unhealthy warped life vision , BUT lovey dovey = good.

Regular,solid,dependable guy but not very free with his emotions = makes you cry.

Look, I don't want to minimize your distress, after all you know yourself and what you want , and if receiving abundant displays of verbal and physical affection is your priority in a relationship, - then you are not getting your priority , so you may even have to think seriously if this is the right person for you.

Nevertheless, I stand by my original advice. If all the rest is good, don't blow this out of proportions. Everybody is different and some guys are not very demonstrative by nature. On the other hand, talk is cheap and there are tons of affectionate, cuddly, sweet talking heartless bastards out there...

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A female reader, Lovesaidno United States +, writes (15 June 2011):

Lovesaidno is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lovesaidno agony auntThanks guys, Ya I know there are alot of worse guys out there...I think I have dated them all. But It just hurts cause I feel like we are more friends than a couple. I'm the one who iniates a kiss, or holds his hands, any affection, I iniate. Which is really hard. My ex was a lead singer of a metal band, and was a very hateful person, but he would show me he loved me constantly even it would hurt is death metal image.

I feel like I am not worth him coming out of his comfort zone for. It's too the point I cry every night cause I will say sweet things like, good night sweet heart, or I can't wait to see you tomorrow, and get nothing back...

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (15 June 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt Then don't tell him constantly !

I have noticed that many people say " I love you " not because of any overwhelming impulse to express their feeling, but for an ego mini-trip. They say I love you because they want the " I love you too " back, that's a way to make them feel reassured , in control and good about themselves.

Like when you pat your dog's head , and he wags his tail. Ah what a devoted, affectionate dog. How nice.

I don't know ,maybe it's a language thing. In my country " I love you " ( Ti amo ) are very intense,loaded,important words, you keep them for very special moments. So, even after spending many years in USA, I could never quite reconcile to the casual American way they drop those precious words left and right.

I am not saying that it's better to be guarded, or stingy, with your emotions- just, that perhaps there is no need to

"emote" at the drop of a hat and to verbalize each and any of your thoughts.

Also because words are nice , but what counts is actions. If he acts and behaves in a loving way- that's his way to show his love,( and it's more reliable than any words). Don't pressure him to express himself in a way that he does not feel quite his own, just because it's more reassuring for you.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (15 June 2011):

You see, his actions do suggest very much that he does love you. But perhaps he can't say it because he feels uncomfortable, or because he knows you're on his back about it.

This is another post that shows there is a worrying trend amongst women especially, that the the words "I love you" have more meaning than the actions. Anyone can tell you they love you. I could sit here and tell you I love you. And it would be entirely worthless because it's backed up with precisely no action whatsoever.

What matters is whether this guy is a good, decent guy who can show you he loves you. If he does that, then you'd be mad to dump him just because of three words than can be faked.

You don't want to wind up like a lot of other women, who hear the words "I love you" from a man, only to then ignore his actions. Those words are not as important as a man's actions.

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A female reader, lost.dreamer Canada +, writes (15 June 2011):

Sometimes when people have been hurt, those three little words take on a new meaning, and sometimes it's not a good one. Don't dwell on those three little words, it's his actions that will let you know if he loves you, some people show their love instead of saying it. If you are right together it shouldn't matter. A marriage certificate doesn't make a relationship last till death do us part, it's the way you treat each other, so if the relationship is there does license matter (unless you want cheaper car insurance)no not really. So if the love is there, does it really matter if he says the words. Communicate with him, that it hurts you, if you can, try to understand where he is coming from. Above all decide if you would rather be with him when he doesn't say those three little words, or not be with him at all... no words at all from him, no time, no lunches...

Good luck in your future, hope everything works out great. May Luv, Luck & Laughter fill your life today and everyday.

PS I've been with my boyfriend for 15 months and I don't say those words, but I seriously think he knows where my heart is at.

If you need an ear to bend, email me, I may screw up my own life but I'm a good listener for others

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