A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is true. Ive been married since February and Ive recently caught my new wife of 24 (im 39) cheating. The problem is she was cheating with a previous "client" for money. She used to be a dancer at a strip club. She claims there was no emotion involved and it was "easy money". $500 per time and she did it three times. Things I find odd:*she barely spent any of the money (I provide for her)*I took most of the money and paid bills...I felt weird because the money came in handy and I had no problem using it.My question is: How do I trust her again? I do love her and know she loves me. I don't want to be the bad guy checking her phone and asking her where shes been. Its been 2 months since I caught her and she swears she hasn't done it again(I do believe her). The obvious problem is I don't know how to trust her and also I think she likes to do it. I don't want to walk away just yet. Any help or advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): YOu think you have problems wait till the police come to you and force you to pay tens of thousands of dollars or send you to prison or kill you if you don't. Also it is illegal to build or buy property on the beach in the federal zone or along the unbuilt road along the beach where all the other houses that will eventually be knocked down are built.Ditch the witch ho... dummy and get on with your life in that nothing to do town that boasts the biggest meth lab and stem cell research right behind you up the river in Colotepec.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): I was married to my now ex-wife ten years. Its been 14 years since she left and remarried. She now, comes over once a week, we have oral sex, sometimes all the way, then I give her some money. Today she told me if something was wrong with her by not wanting to have sex with her husband, up to two month stretches. I told her it was normal. At the end of our 10 year marriage we averaged once a week. The interesting part is that I get into her shorts everytime, and I think she likes it. I am not a psychologist, but what the hell. I'm single in Dallas. Building a three floor condo on the beach in Puerto Escondido Oaxaca.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Having read it all; I suggest for the two of you to try and make this marriage work; there is only one option:
COUNSELLING
Best wishes
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 Having read your wife's reply, it seems to me that:
* BEFOREHAND you enjoyed fantasising about your wife going back for sex with a former customer.
* AFTERWARDS you had quite mixed emotions about the reality of it. The fact that she liked it seems to fascinate you.
Your emotional fascination with this and the fact that you had fantasised about it a lot means that you were less taken aback by it than if it had come out of the blue. In fact, you know her past and you were rather turned on by the possibility of this forbidden sex.
Your question is totally aimed at the notion of trust. How can you trust her again? In effect, you prepared your wife for this encounter. The problem is that she went ahead without consulting you. What's more, it appears that she enjoyed it.
This means that the fantasy got beyond your control. In other words, it was a fantasy gone awry. You're not overly upset that she could fuck another guy; you're upset that she did it without consulting you and that she might actually like it enough to do it again -- behind your back.
Let me suggest that the two of you need to communicate about this.
Since she's a former stripper, the barriers are lower than for a "normal" girl. But that doesn't mean that she can't help herself. It doesn't mean that she's an unstoppable nymphomaniac, or (at the other extreme) a woman who can now do it with no more thought than as if she were washing the dishes.
As a man who has these fantasies (and knowing your girlfriend's background), your objection to this kind is probably less strenuous than that of many other men. In fact, my impression is that your main concern is that she might have liked it.
To overcome this situation, you both need to come to a very clear understanding of each other's boundaries. Are you prepared to accept her being "naughty" and going to bed with former customers -- AS LONG AS YOU KNOW AND APPROVE? Or is it no more than a fantasy that is not to be acted on under any circumstances? You need to know this and so does she. And if she's thinking of having another fling, she has to let you know.
If the two of you are completely honest with each other, I think you can get past this situation.
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female
reader, marieclaire  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 your husband pimped you out to pay the bills? maybe you should consider whether or not YOU should forgive HIM
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom the new wife:Dear cupid site….I admit that what happened was very wrong, but the things adding up to this betrayal had my emotions and reasoning in question. First, there were mixed messages being sent between the two of us. Also, I lied, but because I was embarrassed and felt disrespect by myself and by my husband. And lastly, but not the end of all the things I was feeling at the time, there wasn’t very much communication going on between the two of us, both of us have issues in our own past and present that need to be talked out and worked through.Night after night, for many months; when we were up drinking and what not, my husband would tell me that I should see this one guy again. That it would be a good way for me to bring in income. He told me that it would be okay if I did that, he encouraged that I see this guy. I would tell him to stop saying that. I told him it made me feel bad. I let him know that HE is the one I want…. That’s why I married him. That’s why I chose a like with him. I chose love and family and normal. So when he would say that it hurt me.. It also made me a little confused, and I questioned what was right and wrong. At the end of these talks that went on for hour he would end the conversation with… let not do that then.I didn’t tell him when the act finally occurred. I was embarrassed that I actually did it. At the time it didn’t feel completely wrong because of how often it was talked about. I didn’t feel the betrayal until I saw how my husband was upset and hurt. Maybe I felt talked down to the level of doing that, that inside I felt at that low level. But having my love hurt… kills me. I wouldn’t have ever done that if I knew he felt the opposite of what he was saying.Lastly, we were arguing more about things that didn’t matter. Maybe it was that we weren’t appreciating what we have. Maybe it was a lot of thing. We weren’t talking like a healthy team does. We are both selfish and there were some feelings not being thought about of the other persons. We definitely needed and still do need to talk to a professional. We have things that need to be worked through.I’m not saying this is put onto him what happened, but I am saying that there is more then one side. Two wrongs don’t make a right. And I admit to being the most wrong because I went through with what was done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow...I have never used this site and all responses have been incredible to me. Thank you all for that.I am honest with my wife and did show her the question and responses. She is angry and will post a reply of her own. One big detail I did leave out is during our lovemaking and when we were drinking I would talk about her doing these things. A lot. We would always end though as they were fantasy type thoughts and agree that it is not what "we" wanted. Her big thing is claiming I told her to do this. I do not feel this way at all. The nite I found out was from checking her phone...her first reaction was screaming "what are you doing checking my phone!" Which tells me it was for sure a secret she was hiding...in my mind anyway.*One thing we are taking from this site is we are going to marriage couseling. Which is something I didnt consider before posting this question.Thank you all again as it has been helpful and I havent seen this type of support from complete strangers before.The next post will be from my wife...that I do still love dearly.
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (7 July 2008):
 Well if he hangs her by anything but her neck It's not my business. If he wants to string her up head first DONT he can side step a death sentence and restricted liberty and we'll find some use for her here. The state of any union I have going would be unaffected by a visit from her. I am well into the live and let live chapters of my life and if she doesn't burn down the house cooking meth I don't give a shit what she does. If its a question of contracts she breached. But look up a guy on the hook for child support that found out later that he isn't the biological father. Petition the judge with the evidence that denies paternity and wait. Your obligation is rescinded and they cut you a check for all the money you erroneously paid for some other swinging dicks child. Yeah I tell you what read fade878's post. She has presented this in a way that reflects the reality of this closer than anyone
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Your funny q1605, but I can see what you mean. It really is a question of contracts in this non-traditional marriage. But really.... "I'm not so sure she should be hung out to dry on sunday because they got married on saturday night".... If he can't hang her on Sunday, which day of the week can he hang her unfaithfull ass... LOL :0
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reader, q1605 +, writes (6 July 2008):
all right here we go. for me, early on, we would have had to deal with her involvement in the sex industry. That would have been the first sign of love I would imagine. The inability to deal with guys leering at her would have been my wake up call to my feelings for her. This was not how it played out for them. He seemed to never develop that gut aversion to her proximity to another guy. Now if it was ok for her to have a potentially unlimited encounter with a guy on monday and that the husband was truly all the way down to his bones unaffected by the encounter, I'm not so sure she should be hung out to dry on sunday because they got married on saturday night. You can technically hold her accountable. She violated what amounts to a new law. But as far as the husband being totally repulsed by this he is not. If he was he would have checked it long before. so rocking the boat and breaking up comes off as hypocritical. You will divorce her today for something you had no problem with a month ago. Because of a piece of paper. She should have stopped. But old habits die hard. I think its so much a part of her that he owes her some latitude. His acceptance earlier is precedent and if he wants this all to work out he may have to do it by degrees. But like my long winded stuff. This is not your traditional couple and the standard kick'em to the curb philosophy can't be applied here. And offering advice from our way of thinking is not fair. We are trying to compare it to an affair. Traditional spouse cheating on spouse. but that way of thinking doesn't make a unilateral transfer to be transposed on to what they have going.
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reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Damn!
Not only did she fuck this other guy for money she did it three times! And then the money doesn’t mean anything...
How can you take that? She cheated on you, money or not, and she enjoyed it because she did it three times! Are you blind?
This wife of yours is taking you for a ride.
Look man, this is grounds for total break-up and divorce. If you let her get away with this by forgiving her you are a fool, and she WILL cheat on you again, because she already tested you and you failed. AND she enjoyed it... never forget that!
You are setting yourself up for a life of heartbreak with this woman. I personally would not stand for it, and she would already be on the curb side if it were me.
I do have to question you, man. It sounds to me, and reflecting on the way you reacted...like you are turned on by her wanton cheating! YOU took her money and spent it!
You approved of her actions, right or wrong, by doing that!
She knows how you feel. She knows you love her still. She's got you by the balls. Now she also knows what she can get away with. You just opened Pandora’s Box. Welcome to a life as a cuckold husband.
You wife has a history of making money from sex, and now that she did it under your nose...and got away with it...what is to stop her from doing it again? Nothing.
Even if you did forgive her taking the money was damn stupid. It was a form of silent consent. What you should have done was take that money and burned it in front of her.
I don't think you are a man with confidence and self-respect. You probably think you will never have woman as hot as your wife, so you are willing to tolerate her sins to try to keep the peace. But that will not work in the long run and your marriage will crumble eventually.
By not standing up to her...and taking that money like you did you showed her what type of man you are. You are a man who can be abused and trampled on. And she is probably happy with that, no doubt. Don’t think she hasn’t lost respect for you...she has. But that's probably the way she wants it. Sadly, I think this is the beginning of the end for your relationship with her....or the beginning of a life of misery with her.
My advice is to drop her. Get a lawyer.
This was a no-win situation for you. She lost you after fucking this guy three times. How can you just let that go?
Bad move on her part...sad move on your part for accepting this.
I feel bad for you. If you don’t have faithfulness from your wife, what do you have?
Peace Out.
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (5 July 2008):
another thing is that her being a stripper when they met and throughout. While hanging with her was around other strippers and heard then talk about work and this guy and that guy with a few pathetics thrown in and he realizes that it is a business like any other and business is business and like the lady below said taking money from you makes you feel like a client to her. If she feels that way counceling may be in order. One thing is for sure. If you can handle it short term till you get things resolved maybe but this is something that I couldn't accept long term. Even if only for the harsh existence they have. The shelf life of these chicks can be limited.
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reader, q1605 +, writes (5 July 2008):
these are valid questions this guy is asking. He is just not asking them with the fury we would expect if we were in his situation. I think that part of his constraint is a bit of the not quite being able to get his head around this and defaulting to a composed reaction. But if this is how she survived when they met and it continued through the courtship the only difference in now and what was status quo then, is now they are in possession of a wedding license. Those boundaries that are clear cut to us, have always been blurred for them. Strip clubs can't advocate prostitution. It goes on but depending on management its acceptance ranges from being completely forbidden to turning a blind eye towards it . Acceptance can never be open policy, they will be prosecuted and lose all their licensing. What I am driving at is that this may be something she never or rarely did as a dancer. Since she always had to keep it on the down low to some degree her husband may not have known she resorted to full on sex. And she may not have. She may have kept things centered on the stage. As a nod to her marriage she is no longer stripping. Like drug prohibition. Each restriction tends to trend a replacement that is more potent and more compact. Which translates to a smuggling activity with greater ease and as much or even more sales and profit. She was restricted from openly dancing which is what? 40 hours a week or more. And so it was replaced with a compact act that has more "potency" a quicker exchange of a larger hunk of cash and is portable, and can be hidden with relative ease.. They are now trying to view all of what was up to now acceptable behavior through the lens of being a newly married couple. If your wife gave lap dances to your neibhor up to the day of your wedding it will be hard to condemn this the day after even though there is a new policy forbidding it. Do you go through a program of sanctions with increased penalties for repeat offenses, like a criminal court. Or do you go zero tolerance at day one and walk. If the encounter is emotionless and robotic is it more or less acceptable than if she is animated and "into" it. At this point I am clueless. Maybe this should be posted and the guy asking the question can respond and give us more facts that will serve to mitigate the black and whiteness of the way its spelled out. And in the short term be reminded that if all this was discussed before hand and her actions are afoul of what was agreed upon he can pretty well do as he likes. If the poster chooses to strike out and move forward without advise from dear cupid I would like to ask him if he could be compelled to answer these questions regardless because I for one am dying to know the route they took to wind up here. And the bargains
and agreements and the whole way of life involved in bringing a union like this to a full on marriage. The tolerance you have to possess would go a long way in showing some of these guys how small their issues are when they melt down completely after finding out their girlfriend kissed a another guy somewhere in ancient history
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): I must agree with Diovan; there is a lot not said here; I have lots of questions;
She was cheating with an "old" client; thus they have a history toghether; you also mentioned that you think she "likes" doing it; could there be more to it? Is it possible that your wife and this guy have some emotions; have a long history and can't let go of each other? As she did not need the money? there must have been some other motivation;
Do you have financial difficulties? YOu used the money; you mentioned the money came in handy; can it be that she was trying to help with the financial problems; that this is the only easy way that the could think of to get money quick? You seemed not to have a problem using it; knowing how it was earned; that is very surprising to me; You are prepared to accept this money?
You have a problem with trust; you knew her background yet you got married and trusted her; now this happened; did you never in the back of your mind had any fear or doubts that something like this might happen? How did you find out about her cheating? By checking on her?
Have you discussed this with her; are you happy with the explanantion and is your sexual relationship on track; or is there some problems that you are not telling us;
Trust is something that once destroyed; very difficult to regain; not impossible, but it takes lots of time and effort;
There seems a lot of "problems" in this marriage; Certain things just seems very strange;You don't seem to be hurt or upset; do you really love her?
I suggest, you talk with her and you both go for COUNSELLING; my honest opinion, that is your best SOLUTION to solve the problem and to try and work through all the issues.
Best wishes.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  + ♥, writes (5 July 2008):
The advice below is all good so I will just add to it.
You say she hasn't spent any of the money that you gave her. That speaks volumes to me. She is used to being independent and earning her own money from men in her own way. You however were different. You are not a man who she sleeps with for money, just love. So when you gave her money she didn''t want to take it. If she did then it would make you just like one of her clients.
I think she's craving the chance for independence and to earn her own money again and she's doing that the way she has always done, to get power and cash from some idiot man who's willing to pay.
Talk to her about her dreams and aspirations. What has she always wanted to achieve? What did she dream of doing when she was young? She could be a brilliant painter or dream of working with horses or running a bar.
If you can help her towards her goal then she will be getting her own power and independence back and moving away from her former life. Every one wins!
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, ChiRaven +, writes (5 July 2008):
 It sounds to me like she has not yet shaken off a big part of her "past life". Unless you're willing to become known as the guy who is married to the hooker, she's going to have to make that break. And that's a decision only she can make.
Your trust? Trust her to do what? What has she told you that you can expect from her in the future? Has she promised not to do it again? If she hasn't, then I would expect that she believes she is still free to continue her former "avocation" with your acceptance if not your blessing.
You've got to let her know that this behavior hurts you, and ask her to stop. No need for ultimatums right away, just see what you get if you simply ask her to stop. That may be enough ... if you make it clear to her that this really hurts you. If not, or if she gives her word and then breaks it, you are going to have to choose what road to walk. Personally, I doubt that I could live with a woman who was actively admitting to me that she was involved in prostitution, or one who was doing it and lying to me about it. But that's a decision you'll have to make on your own.
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reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (5 July 2008):
 I agree with DiovanLestat here, your reaction to your wife cheating on you seems to be void of any real emotion. It's like you knew what she was capable of when you married her, was half expecting it to happen and was not really that suprised! You certainly had no problem spending the money she earned doing it..........
I don't believe you care that much that she slept with an old client for money, more that your ego was a bit dented that she wanted to in the first place, the money isn't the issue here. I think it's pretty obvious that you will never trust her again. I think it's one of these situations where you will either have to accept her for herself or find someone who is a little less adventurous in life.
Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Happytochat, I have more questions about this older husband and his opinions and attitudes rather than his young unfaithfull wife.
Your wife has cheated on you, but you don't really sound that distirbed all bothered. Are you one of them rare men that can accept a woman's past and move on. Your wife has sold her body, you sound very calm about this. You take the money and use it to pay bills and have no problems about that. This sounds strange, it seems you lack passion for your wife. You trust her not to do it again, but then again you don't trust her. You think she likes selling her body, and you check up on her to make sure she dosen't do it again.
I can't put my finger on it, but something about your reaction just feels wrong. Is your wife attracted by the money, the sex, or the excitement? Are you having problems with your marriage, is the sex any good? You sound more like a caring father looking out for his naughty daughter, who has no sense and keeps looking for situations that might cause her pain. You don't sound like a passionate husband, jealous because his wife is untrust worthy and cheating behind his back.
My advice contains a large dose of double standards. If you had shouted and got angry, I would have shouted right back at you and tried to defend her. But you don't shout, you don't even feel that angry. Where is the jealousy that normally comes with this type of thing. What is going on in your marriage, cause everything sounds strange to me.... Please update, I'd be real interested to find out what is going on.
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reader, happytochat + ♥, writes (5 July 2008):
I dont think its possible for this relationship to continue if she doesnt see anything wrong with what she did and/or if she liked it.
Its one thing to sell your body for money, but to do it when you have a partner is even worst because you are hurting not only yourself but them too.
I think you have every right to have a probelm in trusting her. Thigns just dont add up. She says she did it for the money but doesnt really spend much money? Why would she go to such great lengths of doing something she doesnt like if she doesnt have to? You should question her about this.
Until shes being completely honest with you and you have all questions answers, she cant move on.
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