Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 10 October 2011: "Could RJ be some devious attempt by some part of my brain to get me to seek extramarital adventure? What about jealousy in general? Do you think people actually sometimes become jealous in order to invent some excuse to be unfaithful?"
I've ... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 11 September 2011: Thanks metalsman.
You said something that I think deserves a comment, it's not something I've seen discussed before:
"You might ask, "if that's the case why am I still looking at these articles and writing responses?" ..Well good question, I... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 2 September 2011: Yes, it's extraordinarily difficult to self-diagnose when it comes to discovering your irrational beliefs that need to be changed.
Some of the things you have said offer hints. You said:
"If she didn’t love or care for this guy then why did she... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 30 August 2011: What you have just said about beliefs, morality and love are very typical comments from someone in your situation. I have heard them over and over, and used to think them myself.
I have come to see that they are incorrect. They are a trap. I'... (read in full...)
She lied and told me she was a virgin, the truth came out while drinking
Q. Dear cupid, the woman i am suppose to marry is a liar. 2 years ago i asked her if she was a virgin because i am and didnt want to waste each orther's time if we had different ideals about premarital sex. She said she was a virgin, now that i am ...
A. 30 August 2011: You have two clear choices:
- Leave her. She lied to you about something that is important to you. It wasn't a small lie. You are within your rights to do so. It's not the 'wrong' thing to do. But if you do this, do not do it in ager. Remember... (read in full...)
Guys: How To Develop "Swagger" To Attract More Women Part 1
Q. The way you carry yourself, dress, talk, or even walk, can either attract a potential mate or repel her. In other words you need to have some swagger. So to avoid being rejected before you even say a word, you need to do the following: 1. Carefu...
A. 29 August 2011: For a different perspective: I would have to completely disagree with this article! I do not mean to be offensive, but my experience is totally different.
To be honest I have no difficulty attracting women. I have attractive girlfriends and when... (read in full...)
Boyfriend has disgusting habits, will he ever stop? Everything else about him is good
Q. Me and my boyfriend have been together for several years and live together. For the most part it's been smooth sailing. Then we moved to a big city a few months ago, which made me germaphobic and him less careful about things. I don't know what to ...
A. 29 August 2011: Thank you for the extra information.
Since you like him so much otherwise, perhaps there's a way to salvage the situation. Perhaps he could go to a behavioural therapist who might be able to teach him some tricks to improve his (clearly unaccept... (read in full...)
My Gf keeps telling me how her one night stand guy was better than me. How do I handle this and not get so upset?
Q. Months ago my girlfriend and I had broken up. Soon after we did she had drunken sex with a man she didn't know. well and we had gotten back together and she had told me the details and I was crushed that she had did things with him that we were pla...
A. 28 August 2011: That's a long list of terrible things she's saying to you.
Personally I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone that talked to me like that.... (read in full...)
Boyfriend has disgusting habits, will he ever stop? Everything else about him is good
Q. Me and my boyfriend have been together for several years and live together. For the most part it's been smooth sailing. Then we moved to a big city a few months ago, which made me germaphobic and him less careful about things. I don't know what to ...
A. 28 August 2011: We're only getting one side of the argument here. What are you doing that he justifies claiming you have "a serious mental problem"? ... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 26 August 2011: "Because of where this happened - Paris - then this has even gone so far as imagery of that place (the frickin Eifel Tower for one which appears everywhere now it would seem!) then causing me almost physical nausea."
I know that feeling very wel... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 26 August 2011: "Perhaps there's also the subconscious thoughts that if she could run out on this other person who surely she must have loved if she was doing that with him then could she do it again".
I wouldn't be so sure she really loved him. I know it's pro... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 24 August 2011: You should probably stop 'discussing' this with her. It sounds like you have become obsessed with this, and being questioned by an obsessed person is very unpleasant.
"Why did she just run?"
She was away from home in a foreign country. She was... (read in full...)
Can having lots of casual sex affect people psychologically?
Q. Hi, I read recently in an article written by a prominent psychologist that lots of casual sex or sex with people you do not love can cause a person to "split off" from him- or herself, losing touch with his or her emotions. The person then becomes ...
A. 24 August 2011: "lots of casual sex"
It all comes down to defining 'lots'.
Do you mean five casual sex partners? Fifty? Five hundred?
I don't think anyone can answer this question: there is no meaningful scientific research that has been done. And a promine... (read in full...)
Girlfriend is not giving me straight answers about how many guys she's slept with or cheated on
Q. My girlfriend and i have only been offiecially together for two months but had a thing for about 4 - 5 months now. she asked me how many people i'd slept with, i told her honestly then asked her the same question, the first answer i got back was ...
A. 11 August 2011: Her first mistake was asking you your number. Her second mistake was lying to you about hers.
But now ask yourself: do you want to be in a relationship with this girl?
If you do, then drop all this now. It won't lead anywhere positive. Just p... (read in full...)
Why arent women hardwired to accept porn if all men are hardwired to watch it?
Q. If all men are "hardwired" to look at porn and women other than their girlfriends or wives then why aren't all women hardwired to be understanding and accepting of this? ...
A. 3 August 2011: Because men aren't 'hardwired' to look at porn. Men are 'hardwired' to be attracted to women. Porn resembles women closely enough to trigger that attraction.
But hardcore porn is a relatively recent invention: like many other things in modern s... (read in full...)
Is there any way to get over jealousy over my wife's sexual partners?
Q. I am 46 years old. My wife is 37. About six months ago, we were doing a book together called "All About Me", as a way to build intimacy. Unfortunately what the book did was practically ruin my life. A portion of the book asked what our number of ...
A. 29 July 2011: I don't believe retroactive jealousy serves a purpose. I believe it's more of a "bug in our system". Jealousy in small, normal amounts is beneficial for relationships: it reminds us we need, love and depend on each other.
When it becomes all cons... (read in full...)
Is there any way to get over jealousy over my wife's sexual partners?
Q. I am 46 years old. My wife is 37. About six months ago, we were doing a book together called "All About Me", as a way to build intimacy. Unfortunately what the book did was practically ruin my life. A portion of the book asked what our number of ...
A. 29 July 2011: I don't believe retroactive jealousy serves a purpose. I believe it's more of a "bug in our system". Jealousy in small, normal amounts is beneficial for relationships: it reminds us we need, love and depend on each other.
When it becomes all cons... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 29 July 2011: "I see men who suffer from RJ calling women sluts and whores, and I see women who suffer from RJ calling their SO's past gf's sluts and whores. What's the deal on that? A woman couldn't become a slut or whore unless a man was willing to sleep with ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 28 July 2011: Good addition Tisha
Whilst I agree with much of what she said, i have a couple of differences.
Most significantly, she appears to be saying that RJ is the same for men as it is for women. I don't agree. I'm not saying it's worse for one se... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 28 July 2011: Good addition Tisha
Whilst I agree with much of what she said, i have a couple of differences.
Most significantly, she appears to be saying that RJ is the same for men as it is for women. I don't agree. I'm not saying it's worse for one se... (read in full...)
I need help with my 14 year old daughter...
Q. Hi a have a question I have a 14 year old daughter that shocked me today. she call me and was going to ask me a question and me messing with her I said no u can't go to your friends house before she asked her question and then she said forget it now ...
A. 28 July 2011: You expect her to laugh it off when you call hee a jerk, but when she calls you a jerk you get mad?
Doesn't sound very fair to me. It sounds like you are not only over-reacting, but being a hypocrite, and owe her an apology.... (read in full...)
I want to quit masturbating!
Q. I find it hard to quit masturbating I do it daily and I mean I just dont want to do it anymore. does anyone have any advice for that, other than just dont do it? because trust me I tried to quit cold turkey but it didnt work. please help...
A. 27 July 2011: Don't try, it's impossible.
The only way i know of is to get a girlfriend: then you can replace the masturbating with real sex.... (read in full...)
My fiance's butt stinks....how do I tell him?
Q. I have been dating my fiance for four years now. And theres this small little issue that KILLS me, and grosses me out and i dont know how to tell him without it hurting his feelings. I'm really embarassed to talk about this, but...something needs to ...
A. 26 July 2011: The Japanese have this right. Their toilets include a water jet wash! I want to buy one for my house.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilets_in_Japan... (read in full...)
Trying to pass off another man's child as my husbands....Is this really such a big deal?
Q. I have been married for 2 months, but pregnant with another man's baby. i dated by husband for 3 years, but he really treated me badly for a while. I fell pregant by him and he "forced", me to abort, which i regreted.I resorted to cheating on him ...
A. 25 July 2011: For a man it's a very big deal! I know for many men there is nothing worse than believing a child to be yours when it is not.
However it sounds like your husband has behaved very badly. Only you know what me might do if you told the truth, h... (read in full...)
FWB relationship is going haywire because I wouldn't sleep with his best friend. What am I supposed to think?
Q. I have a best friend who I care about dearly. He's my friends with benefits though. We've had this relationship for 7 months now. I developed feelings for him a long the way but he insisted that he doesn't want a relationship and that he's incapable ...
A. 25 July 2011: Sorry to say this but you are in love with and 'best friends' with an idiot. An idiot that is going to damage you.
He says he is incapable of love because of his past. Nonsense. Only psychopaths are incabable of love. He's just making a bad excu... (read in full...)
The effects of anal sex?
Q. Im really curious about the effects of anal sex. The anus was designed to expel waste so if used for sex cant it affect the muscles?like maybe you can fail to hold your faeces? Im curious about anal and would love to try it but im scared it might ...
A. 15 July 2011: The advisor part of this site will tell you everything you need to know: http://www.puckerup.com/... (read in full...)
Why do guys have sex on the first date and then think the woman is a slut?
Q. I met this guy about a month ago, and we were having a nice time watching TV and we held hands, not sure if we were attracted to each other and then we moved to the bedroom and started foreplay which was okay, and then he stopped and said "sorry, ...
A. 14 July 2011: "Why do guys expect sex on the first date? but then if you have sex on the first date think you are a slut or easy and then lose interest?"
Because it's how we are programmed. We unconsciously divide women into three categories:
1 - not inter... (read in full...)
Girls: Have you ever been rejected?
Q. Girls have you ever approached a guy and had him reject you? I am not talking about being dumped. I am talking about when you first meet a guy, you put yourself out there and ask him out and he shoots you down. I have this theory. Most girls seem ...
A. 12 July 2011: Women get plenty of rejections. And worse: they sometimes get 'accepted' but then the guy decides to reject them right after they've had sex. Much worse.... (read in full...)
Is there something wrong with me? Is this erectile dysfunction?
Q. Right this is a kind of weird one tbh, I don't know if it is a form of erectile dysfunction or just thinking sub-consciously, which may haven't really read much into it tbh, be the same thing I ha, but whenever me and my girlfriend are kissing ...
A. 4 July 2011: It sounds like nerves to me: performance anxiety and 'spectating'. As in, worrying and thinking about it rather than being in the moment.
Best thing you can do is not worry about it, with time you should become more relaxed and it will be less of ... (read in full...)
What can I do to become more dominant?
Q. Hey guys my girlfriend wants me to be more dominant, assertive and aggressive (in a good way). I can be when I need to be but am naturally a timid, shy guy, like if she doesn't want to do something I won't push the subject. what do I need to do be...
A. 4 July 2011: "Dominance" is about projecting confidence. It's a state of mind that comes intuitively through actions and body language.
To build your physical and mental confidence I recommend taking up a martial art. This is great for grounding you and taki... (read in full...)
What is more pleasurable?
Q. Just out of curiosity what is more pleasurable vaginal or anal sex for both the guy and the girl?...
A. 2 July 2011: "I would do that what possible enjoyment can come from that."
It's 100% ok not to want to try something. But don't judge others on something you have no experience of.
This is true of all things in life, not only sex.
Stay safe!... (read in full...)
What is more pleasurable?
Q. Just out of curiosity what is more pleasurable vaginal or anal sex for both the guy and the girl?...
A. 2 July 2011: As a guy I can tell you the large majority of women I have had sex with preferred vaginal, but not all. A couple said it was equal, and a couple even preferred anal (albeit when very turned on, and with vaginal stimulation too). And yes they were ... (read in full...)
My girl slept with my brother before we met,should I be angry?
Q. I just found out that my brother had sex with my gf of 1 1/2 yrs, it happened before we were together but I'm really pissed at them for not telling me. I knew that they were friends (thats how I met her) but I think he should have told me before we ...
A. 24 June 2011: I would be shocked if this happened to me, and also very upset I wasn't told. Whilst I believe that in general a 'don't ask don't tell' policy for exes is best, when it comes to being with a relative it does matter!
But, whatever happened... (read in full...)
Parasite Girlfriend is running me dry. What can I do?
Q. HELP!!!!! I am in a relationship with a girl I live with and have been dating for 2 years. Ever since I met her I have been paying all her bills. You name it I pay for everything...cell phone, car payment, rent, clothing, food, child support ...
A. 24 June 2011: Why did you start paying for everything? That was a mistake.
Unfortunately you've been doing it now for so long that to stop will probably kill the relationship. So you have a choice:
- Keep going as you are
- Stop paying and probably lose... (read in full...)
Do men or women have more one night stands?
Q. Has anyone done research about whether men or women are more likely to have one-night stands, flings, or other meaningless relationships? I am a man and I have never had a one night stand. None of the men I know well enough to ask about th...
A. 22 June 2011: Yes I'd say you are right. A small number of (alpha) guys are having sex with a lot of women. Those guys are 'shared' amongst a larger number of women. I'm sure many of these women were looking for more than a one night stand, but didn't get it.
... (read in full...)
I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend's threesome!
Q. This is a question I know is on here often. But I really need any good answer. My boyfriend and I have been dating a year and a half, plan to get married in January of next year, now I am just waiting on "the perfect time" he has planned to propo...
A. 10 June 2011: I've been through something similar (though not a threesome). A few things:
First, he's right to not give you any more information. Since you are jealous about it, the more he tells you, the more jealous you will get. I know it feels like the oppo... (read in full...)
I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend's threesome!
Q. This is a question I know is on here often. But I really need any good answer. My boyfriend and I have been dating a year and a half, plan to get married in January of next year, now I am just waiting on "the perfect time" he has planned to propo...
A. 10 June 2011: I've been through something similar (though not a threesome). A few things:
First, he's right to not give you any more information. Since you are jealous about it, the more he tells you, the more jealous you will get. I know it feels like the oppo... (read in full...)
Can your movements be tracked by your mobile phone, and how is it done?
Q. This issue has been playing on my mind..... The question is.... Can your movements be tracked by your mobile phone. And how is it done. Can you tell if your has been tracked. I think am sounding a bit paranoid here. But a friend recently that her...
A. 9 June 2011: You can do it with an iPhone using the 'find my iphone' feature. All you need is someones apple login:
http://www.apple.com/iphone/features/find-my-iphone.html
There are some 3rd party apps for Android that can do something similar I heard,... (read in full...)
Can your movements be tracked by your mobile phone, and how is it done?
Q. This issue has been playing on my mind..... The question is.... Can your movements be tracked by your mobile phone. And how is it done. Can you tell if your has been tracked. I think am sounding a bit paranoid here. But a friend recently that her...
A. 9 June 2011: Yes it can be done. It very much depends on what phone you have. Software can be installed on your phone that allows someone to find its location from a pc.
The main thing you can do to prevent it is to have a lock on your phone and make sure no ... (read in full...)
Had sex with fiance AND a one-night stand with another guy, and am now pregnant. Who is the daddy??
Q. In January, I had sex with my fiance and he ejaculated inside of me every single time we had sex. My period was the 2 of Jan and I have a 31 day cycle and I had a one night stand with a guy on the 13 and we didn't use a condom but we had sex for ...
A. 3 June 2011: It's very possible that the one night stand is the father. It's a subconscious thing, but women are more likely to be unfaithful during ovulation. Google it if you don't believe me.
More to the point: what the he'll are you doing having one nigh... (read in full...)
Why do women date the bad boys but marry the nice guys?
Q. Dear cupid, i was wondering why women date and sleep with bad boys through out there youth but run to marry nice guys in there 30's when there less attractive and are looking for stability and safety for a guy who has worked hard, being dumped for ...
A. 24 May 2011: "Why should the nice guys settle for less of what they deserve?"
Are you saying that a woman who dates / sleeps with 'bad boys' is now 'less than someone deserves'?
I think that may be where your issue is coming from. That you feel these women... (read in full...)
Going on my first-ever date -- at 20! Tips appreciated.
Q. i need help! tomorrow i am going on my first date ever and i have no clue what to do! i am in some serious need of dating tips. for example, what are some topics i can bring up if things start to get awkward? What food should i eat? What should i ...
A. 13 October 2010: Try to be yourself. There's no point in giving someone a false impression.
Don't talk too much about yourself. Don't talk about exes. Don't talk about sex (too much), although flirting is of course good, if you feel like it.
And don't get... (read in full...)
Where are the good men hiding?
Q. Right now I'm very discouraged. Where are all the good men hiding? In the past years my dating experiences have been bad. I've tried dating friends, acquaintances, co workers, random people.. nothing seems to work. I think I'm a fairly normal pe...
A. 11 October 2010: Personally I suspect many of those men you dated were probably potentially 'good men'. But not with you, and not at that time.
We have unfortunately developed a disposable attitude to relationships: try someone out for size, then move on if it's ... (read in full...)
I Love Him, But Can He Forgive My Past?
Q. Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two months now (not long huh?) and everything was fine last night. we were out with some friends having a meal and we had an arguement on the way home (i've been staying at his for the best part of a ...
A. 8 October 2010: I recommend reading this detailed article and commentary:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html... (read in full...)
I"m 14 and my best friends wants a FWB relationship
Q. Im 14 and i just found out my best friend has liked me since 5th grade. We were on the phone a few days ago and he wants to be "friends with benifits" Well i like him alot to and i kinda do wanna be to. but he has a rep of just using people. I can't ...
A. 6 October 2010: He doesn't seriously like you. That's not what 'friends with benefits' means.
What it does mean is that you'll have sex, but the rest of the time he's going to have nothing to do with you. Including not wanting to show affection in public, ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 21 August 2010: "How is a guy supposed to know if a reformed bad girl is really leaving her promiscuous past behind? How can a guy know that she's not "damaged goods" (that is, has a reduced ability to associate sex with love, or to form intimate emotional ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 20 August 2010: "I lost every last ounce of respect I had for you when you referred to women with sexual pasts as damaged goods"
Anon, please have some manners yourself. We are talking about a condition where men explicitly feel women with sexual pasts are dama... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: You ask good questions Miamine. I will try to answer. You say:
"Many jealousy posts are from men who have remained virgins or had few partners, who then are given the news that their woman has slept with the whole world"
Yes that happens oft... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: Working on the book :) Thanks!
You said:
"Only a few decades ago, it was pretty much unthinkable for women to go out and have one night stands or have any sex outside of wedlock but now its almost thought of as being a rite of passage during t... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: The root of the double standard is our genetics and biology. Certainly it would be possible for societies to exist where this double standard was seen as unacceptable, but given it's deep roots its not easy, and would always tend to return.
The b... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 15 August 2010: @ Miamine
To this...
"The only people who seem to approve of man-sluts are women themselves (evidenced by the fact that they, by definition, continue to date and sleep with man-sluts), and not even all of those by a long shot."
You re... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 14 August 2010: @Pyroshadow
You said "Trying to tell him that its not his fault he loves someone who has done such awful things."
The problem with retroactive jealousy is one of proportion. In the great majority of cases the woman has done nothing out of t... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 31 July 2010: I'm writing this as someone who has experienced crippling retroactive jealousy at one stage of my life, and over time overcome it. Noting that having done so, it's not a permanent guarantee of being free of it, but rather a place where some ongoing ... (read in full...)
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