I am asking the questions about her past, and she says its none of my business
Q. I am almost 40, married, to my grade school crush, I love her, more than anything. We were found each other 2 years ago after over 20 years graduating high school, we led very different lives, and now I am having big trouble dealing with her ...
A. 3 January 2012: You are married, in love, and going to therapy, so clearly you want to remain with her.
You have read 'endless posts' about this so I won't repeat what you have no doubt read many times. Instead I will try to outline the steps you can take to ... (read in full...)
I read my wife's journal and now I am tormented by it
Q. I have been with my wife for 9 years, married for 6. I was a virgin when we met. She told me she had been with three men. Considering her great beauty and how many men were after her I didn't think that was so bad, especially because she is three...
A. 31 December 2011: Before you can go any further you need to make some decisions:
Do you want to get over this?
Do you want to stay with your wife?
Do you want to be a single man in his late 20s looking for a new girlfriend with next to no sexual experience?... (read in full...)
Husband (also doctor) addicted to teen porn...just told me he hates me for asking him
Q. My husband has admitted to being addicted to porn years ago but it was never a real issue because he hid it. I recently borrowed his laptop and he had over 89 bookmarks of 'teen' porn and he used the name like 'morgage payments' to hid the sites. On ...
A. 30 December 2011: Addicts often react very aggressively when confronted about their addiction. His reaction sounds quite typical. It is much easier for him to lash out at you than to look at himself and admit the problem he has.
You use the word 'confron... (read in full...)
Do all women taste the same?
Q. Hey everyone :) Im abit confused...me and my boyfriend got on the subject last night about givin each other oral. He said that a i tasted amazing :) which is good for both of us because we do enjoy it alot. But my question is... Do all woman tast...
A. 30 December 2011: We all taste and smell different to different people. Meaning you will taste and smell different to each different person you might be with.
It's been shown that how 'good' we smell to someone relates to the genetic compatibility we have. If you g... (read in full...)
How do I stop this guy's invasive presence?
Q. OK, maybe this is a stupid question, especially at my age, but here it is: I met this guy exactly three times, once when we met at a party, once we had coffee and once we went together at a workshop with a lot of other people, and now he is writing ...
A. 30 December 2011: If you're going to have a healthy relationship with this guy you need to have your boundaries clear. I suggest telling him very directly what your concerns are. You clearly are a considerate person, so you will probably come across just fine. Be ... (read in full...)
Deep throating without gagging?
Q. Looking to hear from fellow females on the subject of deep throating. I have been trying to do it for my man but end up gagging within seconds. Is there a good way to do it without gagging? I heard if you lay on a bed with your head hanging over the ...
A. 29 December 2011: As a man I have had it done a few times. It's really nothing special, and unless you're one of the very rare women that can get past her gag reflex i strongly suggest not doing it. He won't be missing anything.
Oral sex is 90% about what you do w... (read in full...)
We have sex a few times a week. He wants to be friends. So why does he want to keep all this secret?
Q. I met this guy who just moved here and we started talking. after one month we hooked up and had sex.i asked him if we're just friends an he replied saying obviously we are more than that...but he doesn't want people to know so I tried my best to hide...
A. 25 December 2011: My guess would be he didn't want you telling anyone because he was sleeping with one or more other girls with the same arrangement. As long as you all keep it a secret, he stays out of trouble.
'Lets be friends' = no more sex. Although likely h... (read in full...)
I am interested in a 17 year old girl and her mother is encouraging us to have sex! Why??
Q. I am interested in a 17 year old girl who seems to like me but is a little reserved.She is an only child. Her mother is encouraging the relationship actively. She even told me that sex was okay if I loved her. What is mother up to? I find it a ...
A. 30 November 2011: I think it's totally ok. Here in Holland that's pretty normal behaviour: the mother would probably rather it was considered 'ok' and supported by her than having a situation where her daughter had to hide it from her. It's common for teenagers to be ... (read in full...)
He's been extremely annoying with his continual requests for anal sex!
Q. Hey everyone, I have a fantastic boyfriend who I love very much. BUT (isn't there always a but?) he keeps pressuring me to have anal sex with him. I'm happy to do it once a week or so, but every day is too much and it hurts. Also, he doesn't like ...
A. 3 November 2011: " I didn't enjoy it and I am in massive pain."
You should ask yourself why you are willing to be in massive pain and do something you don't like.
You should ask yourself also why a man who loves you would want you to be in massive pain.
... (read in full...)
My past is coming back to haunt me.....
Q. I have a very big problem about my past and I'm not sure how to handle it. My husband I are married almost 10 years, and together over 10 years. My husband thinks that I was not only a virgin when we started dating, but he also thinks that I was CO...
A. 27 October 2011: That information might really upset your husband.
I suggest you have no contact with this ex. Tell him not to contact you again.
And don't tell your husband.... (read in full...)
Are details necessary? Or is it better to never know?
Q. Hi aunts and uncles. I have a question which I am hoping I will get a few answers to. I wanted to see what everyone's general opinion was on knowing their partners sexual past, and the extent of that knowledge. In a relationship, do you feel the ...
A. 23 October 2011: I would say don't do it. There's nothing significant to be gained, and the potential to open a real pandoras box as you put it. Relationships can be destroyed by this.... (read in full...)
He found out I used to be an escort and I don't want to lose him
Q. He found out that I was an escort for 2 months, before our faithful and meaningful relationship. We love each other more than anything, because we are both each other's first love. I feel extremely sorry and disgusting for what I did and I wished ...
A. 19 October 2011: Obsession is a fire. Details are wood. The more details he has, the stronger his fire will burn.
Not only that, but when obsessing in this way, the mind distorts reality to fit its jealous illusions. Each detail not only provides more fuel for... (read in full...)
He found out I used to be an escort and I don't want to lose him
Q. He found out that I was an escort for 2 months, before our faithful and meaningful relationship. We love each other more than anything, because we are both each other's first love. I feel extremely sorry and disgusting for what I did and I wished ...
A. 18 October 2011: "I also talked to my mentor who told me to do what my heart tells me to, which is why I'm making baby steps to communicate with him."
Be careful with this advice.
Men and women have very different psychology when it comes to this situation. ... (read in full...)
He found out I used to be an escort and I don't want to lose him
Q. He found out that I was an escort for 2 months, before our faithful and meaningful relationship. We love each other more than anything, because we are both each other's first love. I feel extremely sorry and disgusting for what I did and I wished ...
A. 17 October 2011: Arisa, I recommend you buy and read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Chain-Self-Esteem-Marilyn-Sorensen/dp/0966431502
As for your boyfriend: his pain is not your responsibility. He has to learn to accept his feelings himself. You can... (read in full...)
Girlfriend's promiscous past confuses/excites me
Q. After a long relationship followed by 12+ months of a very active dating life, I've met an incredible girl I've fallen deeply in love with. More so than anyone I've met previously, she is perfect for me. We have an amazing connection - in and out ...
A. 17 October 2011: Be very careful. If you are still getting jealous feeling from this, then the more details she tells you the more jealous you will become. Generally it's best not to know these things. You should seriously consider stopping asking the questions, ... (read in full...)
He found out I used to be an escort and I don't want to lose him
Q. He found out that I was an escort for 2 months, before our faithful and meaningful relationship. We love each other more than anything, because we are both each other's first love. I feel extremely sorry and disgusting for what I did and I wished ...
A. 16 October 2011: You need to forgive yourself before you can expect your boyfriend to let this go. If you carry the guilt around in your heart, he's going to feel that.
He may not be able to get over this. There are few men around strong enough to love a former e... (read in full...)
Is my post-orgasm refractory period unusually long?
Q. When I have sex, I typically have no physical interest in sex again for at least half a day. And if I do try to have sex at that time, arousal is difficult unless my wife is wearing something particularly arousing. Also, the orgasm takes more time ...
A. 13 October 2011: Same for me. And i'm your age. ... (read in full...)
No condom for anal sex? Is it safe?
Q. My boyfriend is my second boyfriend.. I am still virgin... and he is too. At this time, He wish something for his birthday. He wants anal sex :| at first I really do not agree about it but I love him I want to make him happy. I am a little bit ...
A. 12 October 2011: If you don't want to do it don't do it. He can have something else for his birthday. Something you like too.
I also suggest that you leave anal sex off the menu until you're more experienced with normal sex. Otherwise you're likely to have a b... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 10 October 2011: "Could RJ be some devious attempt by some part of my brain to get me to seek extramarital adventure? What about jealousy in general? Do you think people actually sometimes become jealous in order to invent some excuse to be unfaithful?"
I've ... (read in full...)
I'm having trouble dealing with my retroactive jealousy
Q. I have a question that maybe some of the women readers can answer. Why would an attractive, intelligent woman -21 years old at the time-carry on an affair with a much older married man {25 years older}with children of equal age for 7 long years? He ...
A. 10 October 2011: So many questions.
You say you "don't get it from a man's view". Perhaps you just don't want to get it?
It's not hard to understand why a 50 year old man would want to have a sexual relationship with woman in her twenties. Men in their 50s oft... (read in full...)
Let me give you the tools to beat 'Retro jealousy' I now possess them!
Q. I write with excitement and hope that my experiences might help others that have had similar problems. You may remember a post I made back on the 15th Oct 2010 titled: Girlfriend was a prostitute and slept with over 350 men before I paid for h...
A. 8 October 2011: That's great to hear.
Perhaps you'd like to share a bit more about how you overcame your negative thoughts and feelings? ... (read in full...)
Jealous of new girlfriend's wild year!
Q. Hi, I've never before classed myself as a jealous person at all ever, but then I guess I've never been in a situation that meant I had to be, until now. In December both myself and my new GF separated from our past relationships and we met each ...
A. 4 October 2011: You might find this helpful:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 11 September 2011: Thanks metalsman.
You said something that I think deserves a comment, it's not something I've seen discussed before:
"You might ask, "if that's the case why am I still looking at these articles and writing responses?" ..Well good question, I... (read in full...)
Is she a bot, is this a scam?
Q. alright this girl friended me on facebook and I was suspicious to begin with because she is the typical facebook bot. really pretty girl and has under 100 friends. well here is what made me change my mind. My number is on my facebook and she ...
A. 9 September 2011: If you spoke to someone they can't be 'a bot'. They can be not who they claim to be. There's a few things you can do. You know her full name right: you would be able to check with her school to see if she exists. There's also another ... (read in full...)
My wife thinks I have a small penis!
Q. I have a troubling issue in my marriage. To get right to the point, it has to do with penis size and my wife's perception. I am about 5.75 by 5 around and I always thought fairly average. When my wife and I talk it is clear that she thinks ...
A. 8 September 2011: Ugh how awful she said that. Exactly how to make a guy feel terrible.
Your penis is totally normal size by the way.
She owes you a huge apology and some understanding.
Otherwise it's the area that cindycares is talking about: tell her ... (read in full...)
She lied to me about her sexual past and I can't get over it, please help me.
Q. Before my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time she told me I was going to be her first. While we were having sex I realized she was lying to me. Also, I did a lot of research about virginity and concluded that she was lying to me. She told ...
A. 8 September 2011: This comes up here frequently. Here is an article and discussion about it on this site:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html... (read in full...)
How can I stop talking to my guy friends? My boyfriend gets really mad.....
Q. How can I stop talking to my guy friends? I'm still in high school and my boyfriends in his first year of college. He doesn't talk to girls at all in college because he says he loves me too much to talk to them but I talk to two guy friends and he ...
A. 5 September 2011: This is very messed up and wrong. The demands and behaviour of your boyfriend are right out of line.
You both should have male and female friends. That is normal.
His demanding you have no male friends is not healthy or reasonable.
B... (read in full...)
I feel unfeminine. Should I get breast implants to fix this?
Q. Ok, I have small boobs, because of my age they won't grow anymore. I have an otherwise curvy build, I have a small pronounced waist and wide hips, big butt and thick thighs. I'm slim, though. My face is well, some say pretty, I'd say average, but ...
A. 4 September 2011: I have several friends with implants: all have said to me in confidence that they regret doing it. That they hoped they would give them more confidence: and that all it taught them that your confidence doesn't come from the size of your breasts.
... (read in full...)
I have no confidence in bed!
Q. i have absloutly no confidence when it comes to sex! really want to srop being so unconfident and insecure and i keep tellin myself that im gonna take controll during sex, but when it comes to it i can never do it! i am generally quite a confident ...
A. 4 September 2011: Rather than focusing on sex, try focusing on being able to have open and intimate conversations with your boyfriend about other topics. Hold each other and talk about your hopes and fears, and share some secrets and things that mean a lot to you. ... (read in full...)
Did my boyfriend just seriously tear up after sex?
Q. My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He started sniffling like he was going to cry and didn't 'finish'. (He instigated the sex). I didn't push him or anything. Has anyone ever had it happen to them or know why? I don't want to humiliat...
A. 3 September 2011: I'm not so sure it's a problem. I've occasionally cried during sex when overwhelmed with emotion. See how it goes the next time: if it keeps happening then you know there's an issue. It may have just been a one-off (or rare) occurrence.... (read in full...)
Things were going great between us and then he randomly stopped talking to me?
Q. So I was seeing this guy, I'm 18, he's 20. We both got on well and we used to see each other whenever we could.. He was a busy guy but not extremely busy. He made it clear that he liked me by sending me texts, meeting up with me, telling me he li...
A. 2 September 2011: There's hundreds of possible reasons a guy might do this, but the most likely is that he met someone else and is too much of a coward to tell you.... (read in full...)
My GF has the sex drive of a man-is this normal?
Q. Dear Cupid, I have found the perfect woman, but that's the problem - she's too perfect. She doesn't care that I've just been made redundant, orgasms through penetration alone when we have sex, genuinely finds me physically attractive and explai...
A. 2 September 2011: Sounds like you've found a keeper.
Now go buy her something nice to show her you love her. If you can't think of anything get flowers. ... (read in full...)
My fiancee's promiscuous past disgusts me.
Q. Cupid, my wife to be has a promiscuous past, am having second thoughts as am a virgin.am not insecure am just disgusted with how she lived her life. Should i stay or let her down gently...
A. 2 September 2011: I once believed that someone who had had casual sex was in some sense 'damaged' and could not have intimate sex. This was despite the fact that i had had some (not much) casual sex! But it's different for men... right...
Of course not. My thinking... (read in full...)
My fiancee's promiscuous past disgusts me.
Q. Cupid, my wife to be has a promiscuous past, am having second thoughts as am a virgin.am not insecure am just disgusted with how she lived her life. Should i stay or let her down gently...
A. 2 September 2011: "Its a big deal because sex is so intimate"
That's not true.
Sex CAN be intimate. But it can also be superficial and casual.
The world is full of people having casual, superficial sex.
The reality is for most people it is possible to ha... (read in full...)
My fiancee's promiscuous past disgusts me.
Q. Cupid, my wife to be has a promiscuous past, am having second thoughts as am a virgin.am not insecure am just disgusted with how she lived her life. Should i stay or let her down gently...
A. 2 September 2011: "Its a big deal because sex is so intimate"
That's not true.
Sex CAN be intimate. But it can also be superficial and casual.
The world is full of people having casual, superficial sex.
The reality is for most people it is possible to ha... (read in full...)
Kinky, how can I get my wife to be more kinky?
Q. I really want to get my wife to be kinky.... she is just very shy (still) in bed and barely like to do anything outside of penatrating. I would live for her to [do more adventurous acts involving oral sex and anal play]. we do [cunnilingus] ...
A. 2 September 2011: RedAthena's advice is very good.
I would buy her a couple of classic female-written books that are very sexual. Then let her read them but don't be involved: let her have her own experience wi them.
I recommend the story of o.
I had a girl... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 2 September 2011: Yes, it's extraordinarily difficult to self-diagnose when it comes to discovering your irrational beliefs that need to be changed.
Some of the things you have said offer hints. You said:
"If she didn’t love or care for this guy then why did she... (read in full...)
My boyfriend called me a whore, but he's the one who wants to mess around.
Q. hi everyone. I really need som help. I dont know wgat to do anymore. My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 5 years, but now he hates me.. He calls me dirty names and accuses me of cheating. All the time. He says that he wants to play ...
A. 31 August 2011: It sounds like he is suffering from something called Retroactive Jealousy. I suggest you read this article about it, it may help you understand what is going on in his head: http://www.dearcupid.org/quest... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 30 August 2011: What you have just said about beliefs, morality and love are very typical comments from someone in your situation. I have heard them over and over, and used to think them myself.
I have come to see that they are incorrect. They are a trap. I'... (read in full...)
He wants me to have sex with someone else because he has no sex drive, and he wants to fool around with a man again as he is bisexual! How do I cope with this?
Q. I'm in need of some serious advice. So lately my husband's sex drive has plummeted and our sex life hasn't been that great because along with his sex drive his stamina has plummeted as well. Well he sat me down two days ago and said that he knows he ...
A. 30 August 2011: He's contradicting himself.
One the one hand he "has no sex drive" yet on the other he "wants to have sex with a man".
Nope. Still doesn't add up.
You got married. That includes a promise of sexual fidelity towards each other, and a commit... (read in full...)
She lied and told me she was a virgin, the truth came out while drinking
Q. Dear cupid, the woman i am suppose to marry is a liar. 2 years ago i asked her if she was a virgin because i am and didnt want to waste each orther's time if we had different ideals about premarital sex. She said she was a virgin, now that i am ...
A. 30 August 2011: You have two clear choices:
- Leave her. She lied to you about something that is important to you. It wasn't a small lie. You are within your rights to do so. It's not the 'wrong' thing to do. But if you do this, do not do it in ager. Remember... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 26 August 2011: "Because of where this happened - Paris - then this has even gone so far as imagery of that place (the frickin Eifel Tower for one which appears everywhere now it would seem!) then causing me almost physical nausea."
I know that feeling very wel... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 26 August 2011: "Perhaps there's also the subconscious thoughts that if she could run out on this other person who surely she must have loved if she was doing that with him then could she do it again".
I wouldn't be so sure she really loved him. I know it's pro... (read in full...)
Please help me to accept her past
Q. I’m in my first relationship and have been rocked by a revelation from my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to deal with it myself – for reasons that will become clear I can’t discuss it with friends – but it is driving my insane. I really need some help ...
A. 24 August 2011: You should probably stop 'discussing' this with her. It sounds like you have become obsessed with this, and being questioned by an obsessed person is very unpleasant.
"Why did she just run?"
She was away from home in a foreign country. She was... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 29 July 2011: "I see men who suffer from RJ calling women sluts and whores, and I see women who suffer from RJ calling their SO's past gf's sluts and whores. What's the deal on that? A woman couldn't become a slut or whore unless a man was willing to sleep with ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 28 July 2011: Good addition Tisha
Whilst I agree with much of what she said, i have a couple of differences.
Most significantly, she appears to be saying that RJ is the same for men as it is for women. I don't agree. I'm not saying it's worse for one se... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 28 July 2011: Good addition Tisha
Whilst I agree with much of what she said, i have a couple of differences.
Most significantly, she appears to be saying that RJ is the same for men as it is for women. I don't agree. I'm not saying it's worse for one se... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 21 August 2010: "How is a guy supposed to know if a reformed bad girl is really leaving her promiscuous past behind? How can a guy know that she's not "damaged goods" (that is, has a reduced ability to associate sex with love, or to form intimate emotional ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 20 August 2010: "I lost every last ounce of respect I had for you when you referred to women with sexual pasts as damaged goods"
Anon, please have some manners yourself. We are talking about a condition where men explicitly feel women with sexual pasts are dama... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: You ask good questions Miamine. I will try to answer. You say:
"Many jealousy posts are from men who have remained virgins or had few partners, who then are given the news that their woman has slept with the whole world"
Yes that happens oft... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: Working on the book :) Thanks!
You said:
"Only a few decades ago, it was pretty much unthinkable for women to go out and have one night stands or have any sex outside of wedlock but now its almost thought of as being a rite of passage during t... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: The root of the double standard is our genetics and biology. Certainly it would be possible for societies to exist where this double standard was seen as unacceptable, but given it's deep roots its not easy, and would always tend to return.
The b... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 15 August 2010: @ Miamine
To this...
"The only people who seem to approve of man-sluts are women themselves (evidenced by the fact that they, by definition, continue to date and sleep with man-sluts), and not even all of those by a long shot."
You re... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 14 August 2010: @Pyroshadow
You said "Trying to tell him that its not his fault he loves someone who has done such awful things."
The problem with retroactive jealousy is one of proportion. In the great majority of cases the woman has done nothing out of t... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 31 July 2010: I'm writing this as someone who has experienced crippling retroactive jealousy at one stage of my life, and over time overcome it. Noting that having done so, it's not a permanent guarantee of being free of it, but rather a place where some ongoing ... (read in full...)
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