Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 10 October 2011: "Could RJ be some devious attempt by some part of my brain to get me to seek extramarital adventure? What about jealousy in general? Do you think people actually sometimes become jealous in order to invent some excuse to be unfaithful?"
I've ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 29 July 2011: "I see men who suffer from RJ calling women sluts and whores, and I see women who suffer from RJ calling their SO's past gf's sluts and whores. What's the deal on that? A woman couldn't become a slut or whore unless a man was willing to sleep with ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 28 July 2011: Good addition Tisha
Whilst I agree with much of what she said, i have a couple of differences.
Most significantly, she appears to be saying that RJ is the same for men as it is for women. I don't agree. I'm not saying it's worse for one se... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 28 July 2011: Good addition Tisha
Whilst I agree with much of what she said, i have a couple of differences.
Most significantly, she appears to be saying that RJ is the same for men as it is for women. I don't agree. I'm not saying it's worse for one se... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 21 August 2010: "How is a guy supposed to know if a reformed bad girl is really leaving her promiscuous past behind? How can a guy know that she's not "damaged goods" (that is, has a reduced ability to associate sex with love, or to form intimate emotional ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 20 August 2010: "I lost every last ounce of respect I had for you when you referred to women with sexual pasts as damaged goods"
Anon, please have some manners yourself. We are talking about a condition where men explicitly feel women with sexual pasts are dama... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: You ask good questions Miamine. I will try to answer. You say:
"Many jealousy posts are from men who have remained virgins or had few partners, who then are given the news that their woman has slept with the whole world"
Yes that happens oft... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: Working on the book :) Thanks!
You said:
"Only a few decades ago, it was pretty much unthinkable for women to go out and have one night stands or have any sex outside of wedlock but now its almost thought of as being a rite of passage during t... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: The root of the double standard is our genetics and biology. Certainly it would be possible for societies to exist where this double standard was seen as unacceptable, but given it's deep roots its not easy, and would always tend to return.
The b... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 15 August 2010: @ Miamine
To this...
"The only people who seem to approve of man-sluts are women themselves (evidenced by the fact that they, by definition, continue to date and sleep with man-sluts), and not even all of those by a long shot."
You re... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 14 August 2010: @Pyroshadow
You said "Trying to tell him that its not his fault he loves someone who has done such awful things."
The problem with retroactive jealousy is one of proportion. In the great majority of cases the woman has done nothing out of t... (read in full...)
Slowly going crazy with guilt!!!
Q. *OP Title* This is a bit of a mess. I recently married my boyfriend (now husband) of 8 years. We are so happy and I love him so much and I know he loves me too. Ever since we got engaged I have been thinking about a mistake I made in the first 3 w...
A. 4 August 2010: Ouch.
Well good luck.
Understand that, as someone said, he'll possibly feel like this happened yesterday. Your relationship may not survive this. You need to let him be very emotional about this if he needs to.
I can only suggest that yo... (read in full...)
I'm not a virgin but I want a virgin wife
Q. Okay, so... I have been very active in my life, more so than most people. I put it down to my confidence levels but many put it down to me being an ass. Except for this I'm always good, never harm anything or anyone and any chance I get I help ...
A. 4 August 2010: You've been given some great answers below by the other aunts. I strongly suggest you try to understand them, rather than dismiss them as I suspect you will.
I will add that mensa-type intelligence is only one form of intelligence: IQ. Ofter pe... (read in full...)
Slowly going crazy with guilt!!!
Q. *OP Title* This is a bit of a mess. I recently married my boyfriend (now husband) of 8 years. We are so happy and I love him so much and I know he loves me too. Ever since we got engaged I have been thinking about a mistake I made in the first 3 w...
A. 3 August 2010: In relationships we need to be both honest and kind. But sometimes kind has to win out over honest. Like now.
The information will quite possibly really hurt him. He doesn't deserve that. ... (read in full...)
Fiance seems to love porn more than me. Any other guys out there who do that?
Q. Help! I honestly don't know what to do. I am engaged to a 28 yr old man that i have been with for almost 2 years now. When we first got together we had sex alot. But now i ask him to make love to me and he says he's too tired or something else. ...
A. 3 August 2010: Porn can be addictive. Especially now it's possible to get infinite amounts of video on demand of any type of porn you can imagine... well it's very easy to get very addicted.
The human male brain evolved to be attracted to (mostly) females.... (read in full...)
I want to love her without being disgusted at her past and where she has been.
Q. My girlfriend and I have been together for a few months now however we have known each other and been close for 3 years. She has had 4 claimed sexual partners including me, I have had 3. Were both 23. She had sexual relations with her much older ...
A. 3 August 2010: You are having a very negative emotional reaction to knowledge of your girlfriend's past. That's a common thing, it happens to a lot of guys.
However this is triggering jealousy in you, and that's causing your thoughts to misfire. Jealousy... (read in full...)
What age do most people lose their virginity?
Q. Hello, I am curious as to what age most people lose their virginity. All my friends have had sex, and I was wondering what age most people began having sex....
A. 3 August 2010: I was 17... (read in full...)
My boyfriend says I have to plan every minute of our time together otherwise he has the right to play World Of Warcraft all day!
Q. I need some outside perspective here.. My boyfriend plays world of warcraft and he is obsessed. he plays every day for hours. The only time we see each other is the weekend and when i get there he will constantly play. He told me last time i was ...
A. 2 August 2010: He's using an addict's logic.
He's deliberately sitting around bored, forcing the situation, so he can play. He just wants to play, play, play.
Don't underestimate the power of WoW when it comes to addictions. I've seen marriages fail a... (read in full...)
I'm too shallow to overcome her sexual past
Q. My girlfriend of 9 months has slept with lots of partners and i am finding it hard getting over it. I am 20 and she is 18. She has slept with 9 people before me. Her first was when she was 14, she's slept with someone who was 21 when she was 15,...
A. 2 August 2010: Not intending to be negative, but the answer 'the past is the past' is not going to help.
You are suffering from something called reciprocal jealousy, that can be incredibly unpleasant and difficult to deal with. We see it come up here very fre... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 31 July 2010: I'm writing this as someone who has experienced crippling retroactive jealousy at one stage of my life, and over time overcome it. Noting that having done so, it's not a permanent guarantee of being free of it, but rather a place where some ongoing ... (read in full...)
In Search of Truth
Q. I'm in a situation that is driving me insane. My wife of 6 1/2 years says that she has only had sex with 3 men in her life; a high school boyfriend, her ex-husband, and me. Following her divorce she dated a guy that I now work with (they proba...
A. 30 July 2010: "I believe I find out from him without him knowing it was my wife but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Any advice?"
Yes. I have some very simple advice: don't do it.
Any piece of information you find about your wife's past is going to be u... (read in full...)
Is my girlfriend and her past worth turning into a serious relationship?
Q. I have been dating this girl for a few months. She is 23 I am 24 She is first real girlfriend Ive had since I was 19 which was a relationship that ended badly. She also has not a boy friend since high school. We love each other, and I dont think I ...
A. 28 July 2010: You've said it yourself: you're not one to judge. It sounds like you've had a more sexual past than her. You've done some things that you describe as scandalous!
You need to put this in perspective: everyone is entitled to have sex! She's no... (read in full...)
G/f very open about sex and I want to surprise her tonight!
Q. I have a very beautiful girlfrind . She loves sex with always new styles . She need a new things every time . She made many things . She like neighbors to hear us when making sex . She likes to make sex in open areas . Now I need to surprise her ...
A. 26 July 2010: I don't recommend you do that. It is a bad idea!
The chances are that afterwards you will find yourself very upset: jealous and insecure. You will think she want's other men... and that you are not enough for her.
Be careful!
It is best to k... (read in full...)
My wifes was not a virgin how do I get even?
Q. hai, ok my wifes sexual past haunts me. Married 6 years and i am recently just finding out about her.i was a virgin when i married her and when we talked during our dating years she implied that she was pure. I came acros her diary and yes sorry i ...
A. 25 July 2010: The statistics on numbers of sexual partners are all very inaccurate. 16 is not at all an unusual number, it's really very ordinary. A significant number of people have much much higher numbers than that. Also bear in mind that cultural attitudes ... (read in full...)
My wifes was not a virgin how do I get even?
Q. hai, ok my wifes sexual past haunts me. Married 6 years and i am recently just finding out about her.i was a virgin when i married her and when we talked during our dating years she implied that she was pure. I came acros her diary and yes sorry i ...
A. 24 July 2010: "You don't know the pain am going through"
I do know the pain. I've been there myself. It was without doubt the most painful and difficult thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. I don't believe that unless anyone has been through it themselv... (read in full...)
My wifes was not a virgin how do I get even?
Q. hai, ok my wifes sexual past haunts me. Married 6 years and i am recently just finding out about her.i was a virgin when i married her and when we talked during our dating years she implied that she was pure. I came acros her diary and yes sorry i ...
A. 24 July 2010: 'She implied' is a dangerous term. Are you sure? Since you were a virgin she's naturally not going to want to talk about her past sex life, but that's very different from deception. Did she really lie to you here? Or just avoid talking about it.
... (read in full...)
How do I get my mom to understand?!?!?
Q. OK so I'm 13 years old and lots of people say i look way older and there's this guy whos 18, he goes to my church. he is very nice and all we text a bunch....but lately we been txt kinda sexually and well I know it sounds kinda whore-ish but ...
A. 24 July 2010: There's not much you can do for now other than demonstrate to your mother that you are trustworthy. So do as she asks and be good, and over time she'll relax.
You aren't surprised by her reaction are you? She found sexual text messages between ... (read in full...)
My cat is peeing on my couch!! HELP PLEASE!!
Q. My cat is 2 years old, and he is peeing on my couches.. I just moved so he is a little mad but I want him to stop... What can I do to get him to stop. (He is fixed) ...
A. 21 July 2010: Make sure the cat litter tray is very clean.
Then make the couch unavailable to him. That might mean turning it upsidedown for a while. Just so he can't pee where he's used to. He'll have to look for another spot and hopefully use the tray.
... (read in full...)
How can I improve my posture?
Q. i am 5 feet and my husband height 6.2 .;i have a bad habit that i walk with bent shoulder and neck...like old..i want to overcome this...and want to walk straight...sit straight...any body help me...any exercise any suggestion..it also destroy my ...
A. 20 July 2010: I recommend looking at something called the 'alexander technique'. It is very good for helping with posture: that is exactly what it is intended for!... (read in full...)
Should I be worried about her sexual past
Q. I've recently found out some things from my girlfriend of nearly a year's sexual history which have made me think. I'm 23 and she's 30. We met and she was married, we started out having an affair and very quickly she separated from her husband and ...
A. 19 July 2010: "So my question is should I judge her for this past? I feel that even though she's only had full sex with 1 person before me, she's still had quite a lot of encounters. "
Should you judge her... yes. She has had an incredibly un-slutty past! Ju... (read in full...)
My wife was a prostitute, but she's mad at me for confronting her.
Q. I've posted here before about the agony of my wife running away at the age of 14 and having sex with strangers on the way or while she was there, she was somewhat shortcoming of the details. After a certain coincidental set of circumstances, I...
A. 18 July 2010: 97% range?
You realize it's absurd to apply mathematical probability to this, right?
You're 100% entitled to be upset about your wife having been a prostitute. But don't start applying math to this. Apply your heart.
I have one suggestion... (read in full...)
Tormented by girlfriend's sexual past
Q. hi guys. i know this has been throughly discussed here before.. i already researched about it and read almost all of the responses to the queries. and honestly it helped a lot. i have a girlfriend now who i love very much. i really adore her and ...
A. 15 July 2010: This comes up a lot. Take a look at these previous threads:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
http://www.dearcupid.... (read in full...)
FWB sometimes he's sweet, sometimes he's not
Q. first of all I'm 16 NOT 13. Okay. So I've been friends with benifits with this guy for like 2 years..and yes I like him alot..I never told him though cuz I didn't wanna make anything weird..this guy is a major player but when he likes someone he's ...
A. 13 July 2010: I don't understand why a girl with good self esteem, straight-A's, and varsity sports would be willing to have sex from the age of 14 with a guy providing no commitment, love, or communication. Wouldn't you want a boyfriend?
As for what's g... (read in full...)
His past keeps haunting me...
Q. Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well. I wanted to ask some advice with something I'm having problems with. I have been in love with the man of my dreams for 5 years now. We both love each other and everything is wonderful, or so I make ...
A. 12 July 2010: He is connected to your past. It sounds like both of you have been through a lot. These exes of his are a reminder of that past: of something you've escaped. It's understandable that it hurts to think about them because of this.
The pain is going... (read in full...)
My girlfriend had an encounter with my friend before she met me and I cant seem to get over it!
Q. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months now and things are going amazingly way. I met her at college so we are currently doing the long distance thing until we go back to school in the Fall. The whole experience has made us a lot ...
A. 12 July 2010: I suggest you stop living with the guy if you can. Seeing him every day will be a constant reminder.
Other than that: realise that a hand-job pales in comparison to what you have had with her. It's really minor, if you can't get over this imagine ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend can't get over my past
Q. I've been with my current boyfriend for 8 months now, it does seem like it's not a long time but it's been the best 8 months of life span. I have been with another guy for 3 years and experienced and learned alot. But i've never felt this way before ...
A. 12 July 2010: "How do i stop him from thinking about it or talking about it?"
That's a big question. You mentioned you've looked at some of my previous posts. I've written a lot about this so I suggest you keep looking.
In terms of specific tips I recommend... (read in full...)
My boyfriend can't get over my past
Q. I've been with my current boyfriend for 8 months now, it does seem like it's not a long time but it's been the best 8 months of life span. I have been with another guy for 3 years and experienced and learned alot. But i've never felt this way before ...
A. 11 July 2010: You may be reinforcing his negative behavior, be careful.
This situation isn't your fault: you haven't done anything wrong. So you don't owe him any apologies! You said:
"I messaged him saying sorry for being not understanding about his situat... (read in full...)
Why do women always lie about there sexual past???
Q. Hello everyone, Today im here too really find out why women always under sell their sexual past. I found out two of my good friends and including me, That are wives have liad too us about there sexual past. Ive been married for 13 years and come too ...
A. 8 July 2010: All women do not lie. In fact, most tell the truth.
But why do the ones that lie, lie? Because many men will judge them unreasonably for past sexual behaviour. Especially conservative or insecure men who feel very threatened by this and resort t... (read in full...)
I couldn't help probe about her sexual past, but I wish she wouldn't have been so honest!!!
Q. Ok here's my problem. My gf and I have been dating for a little over a year now, at the begining of the relationship I asked the inevitable question " how many men have you slept with"?. She asked me to answer the question first, I told her 80 women ...
A. 8 July 2010: You are now unfortunately reaping what you have sewn. Asking those questions is VERY dangerous, as you are now finding out.
There's very little you can do. Once you know, you'll always no, it's not possible to forget.
Thinking about it is only... (read in full...)
My boyfriend can't get over my past
Q. I've been with my current boyfriend for 8 months now, it does seem like it's not a long time but it's been the best 8 months of life span. I have been with another guy for 3 years and experienced and learned alot. But i've never felt this way before ...
A. 8 July 2010: I don't think there is much you can do.
One key is to not enable his behaviour. So don't supply any more information, or accept any of the negative value judgements he puts on you.
Other than that you can just be as supportive as you can whils... (read in full...)
How would you feel if your boyfriend was wanking behind your back?
Q. hi im hoping you can give me your views as im a little confussed and to be honest feel a bit cheated, can anyone give me there views how would you feel and what would you do and say if you found out your boyfriend was wanking behind your back whilst ...
A. 7 July 2010: It's very normal. It doesn't mean he's not sexually interested in you. Sometimes a guy just needs to... wank. It happens and it's no more complex than being hungry or needing to scratch an itch. As a guy I can tell you it can be damn inconvenient, ... (read in full...)
Can he overcome his retroactive jealousy?
Q. hi. I am a 24 year old... Ive been with my current boyfriend for over 2 years now..hes 3 years older than i am. and everything is great. he's sweet and caring. we get along so well. in fact, he's the only person that I've thoughts about getting ...
A. 3 July 2010: Well first of all you know this isn't your fault. Unfortunately there's very little you can do for him, this is his issue to deal with. I always recommend not giving away too much information: as all that tends to lead to is yet more obsessive ... (read in full...)
What explains why some men can have multiple orgasms?
Q. I'm just curious... To explain why I asked, my ex (whom I lost my virginity to and vice versa), before we had sex the first time, I assumed would probably come within just a few minutes since it was his first time. I was fine with that. Turns out,...
A. 3 July 2010: I must admit I've never heard of anything quite like that before. ... (read in full...)
Stories of my wife's past have really hurt me, what can I do to get over this?
Q. i m 37 yrs old male, my wife hurt me by telling her old love story, i feel really pain and i can't forget that, what can i do to over come this?...
A. 2 July 2010: This is a very common issue that we see here.
I suggest searching this site by using this link:
http://www.google.com/search?q=site:dearcupid.org+her+past
I also answer frequently on this topic, you can look through my answer history too.... (read in full...)
He cheated because he was drunk and I cant get over it!
Q. Okay, so me and my boyfriend have been going out for 9 months...we started going out sept.7, 2009 and its now June.30, 2010... Back in Feburary he decided to throw a small party when his mother was away and get drunk...( one girl and 4 guys) well ...
A. 2 July 2010: I agree with CaringGuy 100%
This guy sounds like really bad news. His behavior, his lack of remorse, and the way he's trying to emotionally manipulate you. All serious warning signs.
Stay away from him.... (read in full...)
Do you tell partners your real number of past lovers if they ask?
Q. Another poll for you ladies: Do you tell partners your real number of past lovers if they ask? If not, how far off are you? A) Yes, I tell them my real number if they ask B) I tell them my number of "real" boyfriends or relationships, bu...
A. 1 July 2010: Actually, I go a stage further than not asking.
I specifically say "please don't tell me, i don't want to ever know".
It's not about rights or honesty in my opinion. It's about being pragmatic: I've never seen anything good from people shar... (read in full...)
He cheated because he was drunk and I cant get over it!
Q. Okay, so me and my boyfriend have been going out for 9 months...we started going out sept.7, 2009 and its now June.30, 2010... Back in Feburary he decided to throw a small party when his mother was away and get drunk...( one girl and 4 guys) well ...
A. 1 July 2010: This is really horrible. That poor girl: I agree that this was rape. Gang rape in fact. And if the age you have stated is correct, well then I'm just sick to my stomach.
You must realize this is really really wrong? I hope to God you do.
G... (read in full...)
Do you tell partners your real number of past lovers if they ask?
Q. Another poll for you ladies: Do you tell partners your real number of past lovers if they ask? If not, how far off are you? A) Yes, I tell them my real number if they ask B) I tell them my number of "real" boyfriends or relationships, bu...
A. 30 June 2010: As a man I have learned that the polite and sensible thing to do is not to ask in the first place.... (read in full...)
I feel guilty and terrible because I gave oral to a guy while drunk. Any advice?
Q. basically I'm feeling incredibly guilty because I gave head to a guy last night. Im quite young so that was my first time... He was one of my best friends but he also went out with my best friend for a little bit a couple of months back. I feel so ...
A. 30 June 2010: If he's regretful why did he tell all his mates? Remember guys love to brag about this stuff. Don't trust him on that, sorry.
Otherwise, I completely agree with the other aunts.
Remember: sex is really okay, but do it in a good solid relat... (read in full...)
We want to have a three-some but we both have conditions
Q. My husband and I were talking about having a 3 some. The problem is, I'm not comfortable with him being inside another woman, and he is not comfortable having a guy involved in any way.. I thought about just having a 4 some to make it even but then ...
A. 30 June 2010: Simple solution: don't do it.... (read in full...)
After becoming angry about her past that I just now found out about, she is depressed and can't get over it!
Q. Me and my girl friend are in a wonderful relationship for last 2 years. Only recently i found out through her emails that, she shared a casual relationship with a few men before she dated me. This was a long kept secret so i got angry and vented out ...
A. 30 June 2010: I think you can help her by doing the following:
- Stop asking questions. Don't do any more 'investigation'. She's had a past she's not happy with. Let it be that: the past. don't drag it into the present by digging it up and examining it. Ther... (read in full...)
How do anonymous flings and oral sex differ from having sex with someone you know?
Q. One of the hardest aspects of my being able to accept, get over, and not think about my wife's one night fling (she gave and received oral sex with a total stranger who was much older than her - she didn't, still doesn't know his name) is to ...
A. 29 June 2010: "I understand how you must feel about what I did, but I am not that person any longer, I want you to trust that I am not running from the responsibility of my actions, but that I am no longer interested in doing what I did. I want my life with you, ... (read in full...)
Tortured with the thought of my wife's sexual past
Q. I am dealing with the common problem of having married a woman who had a sordid (my opinion) past. By age 24 she had over 35 sexual partners varying from a 2 year relationship to blow jobs in a club parking lot with strangers. I am conservative by ...
A. 29 June 2010: Just think how much time has passed. People are not fixed, we change over time very much. There's almost nothing left of that young and lost girl, it's another world. Like a dream. It's no longer real, all that is left is an echo of an echo.
Do kn... (read in full...)
How do anonymous flings and oral sex differ from having sex with someone you know?
Q. One of the hardest aspects of my being able to accept, get over, and not think about my wife's one night fling (she gave and received oral sex with a total stranger who was much older than her - she didn't, still doesn't know his name) is to ...
A. 25 June 2010: It's time for you to make a decision.
Reading your words here it's clear to me you've gone about this the wrong way.
But before I go into that. it's time for that decision.
Do you truly and sincerely want to get past this, and stay with... (read in full...)
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