Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 10 October 2011: "Could RJ be some devious attempt by some part of my brain to get me to seek extramarital adventure? What about jealousy in general? Do you think people actually sometimes become jealous in order to invent some excuse to be unfaithful?"
I've ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 29 July 2011: "I see men who suffer from RJ calling women sluts and whores, and I see women who suffer from RJ calling their SO's past gf's sluts and whores. What's the deal on that? A woman couldn't become a slut or whore unless a man was willing to sleep with ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 28 July 2011: Good addition Tisha
Whilst I agree with much of what she said, i have a couple of differences.
Most significantly, she appears to be saying that RJ is the same for men as it is for women. I don't agree. I'm not saying it's worse for one se... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 28 July 2011: Good addition Tisha
Whilst I agree with much of what she said, i have a couple of differences.
Most significantly, she appears to be saying that RJ is the same for men as it is for women. I don't agree. I'm not saying it's worse for one se... (read in full...)
Is this normal after anal sex?
Q. My husband and i have been sexually active together for over 15 years. We enjoy it, and have sex 6-8 times a week. We're not porn addicts or sex addicts or anything, we just love sex. We have been having anal sex a lot more over the past few years. ...
A. 26 August 2010: The last (anon) poster, just below this, is right. It's perfectly normal, and nothing to worry about. I suspect your husband finds it a turn on too.
However, if it grosses you out: well, it's up to you whether you want to continue doing it or no... (read in full...)
My friend's first boyfriend ever is a womaniser. Should I tell her?
Q. My friend is currently going out with a guy(her first boyfriend ever) who is a complete womaniser, but she has absolutely no idea. I was told about his reputation by another friend, he uses the exact same 'romantic' dating plan, gets what he wants...
A. 25 August 2010: She's your friend. Tell her right away. But don't tell her what to do: only exactly what you heard about him and where you heard it.
Do you know of his exes? You could try asking them too ... (read in full...)
I am having no luck getting g spot stimulation!
Q. Hi everyone, please read this ALL before answering because I want to actually get an answer to the question I am asking and I dont want to be told things I already know! (sorry about the essay and the TMI lol!) Thanks.... I am 25 and haven't ...
A. 24 August 2010: In my experience (as a man mind you) it's as much about state of mind as any technique. I have found a woman has to be very relaxed and very horny. With the same woman, sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. And with other women, never.
... (read in full...)
Could she be lying about how many men she has slept with?
Q. I need help with a question that's been floating around in my mind. I'm very much in love with my girlfriend and we've been dating for about 1 1/2 years now. We recently got engaged. Here's the issue... My girlfriend/fiancé is from a very smal...
A. 24 August 2010: You are digging where no man should dig. You might find something nasty, but more likely you'll find nothing but keep on digging convinced there's something there! Like a miner in a depleted mine scrabbling in the dirt for that 'gold' that just ... (read in full...)
Do women settle?
Q. I'm obsessed over the fact my girlfriends ex was very well hung and I'm average. She keeps telling me he hurt and there s such a thing as too big. They could not do every position because it often hurt, and he never reciprocated, gave her oral or ...
A. 24 August 2010: It sounds like he was a terrible lover. I'm really sure she's much more satisfied with you!
As for what she 'apparently' said... Don't believe rumours. Especially on subjects like this. Unless you heard it with your own ears you can't trust it... (read in full...)
Is it possible to get over retroactive jealousy?
Q. hello. im 20 yrs old and so is my girlfriend, we have been together for ages, its been like 2 years, we are pretty fine together . she is so understanding and loving and everything . she lost her virginity with me , i just love her so much, bu...
A. 21 August 2010: She was a virgin. You know you'll probably never find another vigin if you leave her, right? This will only get more difficult, so deal with it now.
I'm pretty sure the guy she did the chocolate thing with was desperate to have sex with her. But... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 21 August 2010: "How is a guy supposed to know if a reformed bad girl is really leaving her promiscuous past behind? How can a guy know that she's not "damaged goods" (that is, has a reduced ability to associate sex with love, or to form intimate emotional ... (read in full...)
How can I be a more aggressive dude?
Q. Ok first off, i am not female 23 this is my sisters page i just gotta ask a question. I am male, 38, married 12 years divorced 4. I broke up with the only girl after my divorce about a month ago so i am not ashamed to say that i am out of the game. ...
A. 20 August 2010: I highly recommend the book Iron John by Robert Bly.
'Aggressive' is not the right word. Bly talks about being in touch with our 'wild man', being capable of being fierce, not aggressive. Strong, not domineering. Powerful yet compassi... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 20 August 2010: "I lost every last ounce of respect I had for you when you referred to women with sexual pasts as damaged goods"
Anon, please have some manners yourself. We are talking about a condition where men explicitly feel women with sexual pasts are dama... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: You ask good questions Miamine. I will try to answer. You say:
"Many jealousy posts are from men who have remained virgins or had few partners, who then are given the news that their woman has slept with the whole world"
Yes that happens oft... (read in full...)
Is my partner's behaviour regarding my sexual past normal?
Q. is it normal for my partner of eight years to need to know every gory detail of past sexual relationships when asked a question and given an answer ,they may repeat the question months or years later if the answer is not exactly the same as before i ...
A. 16 August 2010: It's not 'normal' but it's unfortunately quite common. It's a form of obsessive behaviour commonly called 'retroactive jealousy'.
Have a read of this article:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
You can also look thr... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: Working on the book :) Thanks!
You said:
"Only a few decades ago, it was pretty much unthinkable for women to go out and have one night stands or have any sex outside of wedlock but now its almost thought of as being a rite of passage during t... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 16 August 2010: The root of the double standard is our genetics and biology. Certainly it would be possible for societies to exist where this double standard was seen as unacceptable, but given it's deep roots its not easy, and would always tend to return.
The b... (read in full...)
How can I trust my wife again and how can I make her trust me?
Q. I have, like most men, some serious Retroactive Jealousy issues. I also have struggled with temper problems in the past. I have been able to control these things for the better part of the last 10 years. Recently, my wife of 7 years and I were...
A. 15 August 2010: Yes liveit, you are right that she was dishonest.
I have learned however that in this matter the 'truth' is very different between the sexes.
Men focus on facts, numbers, specific events.
Women focus on emotions, times in their lives, an... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 15 August 2010: @ Miamine
To this...
"The only people who seem to approve of man-sluts are women themselves (evidenced by the fact that they, by definition, continue to date and sleep with man-sluts), and not even all of those by a long shot."
You re... (read in full...)
I've been with 40 sexual partners, how can we get past this?
Q. My partner 25 and i 23 have been together for a year, i have been with 40 sexual partners and he has only been with me we have always stuggled with this and seems to be getting worse the closer we get has anyone got some advice on how we can get ...
A. 15 August 2010: He might be suffering from something called retroactive jealousy. This can be a crippling condition where a guy can't stop thinking about his girlfriend's past sex life, and gets really painful thoughts and feelings as a result. Yet he keeps doing ... (read in full...)
I've been with 40 sexual partners, how can we get past this?
Q. My partner 25 and i 23 have been together for a year, i have been with 40 sexual partners and he has only been with me we have always stuggled with this and seems to be getting worse the closer we get has anyone got some advice on how we can get ...
A. 15 August 2010: He might be suffering from something called retroactive jealousy. This can be a crippling condition where a guy can't stop thinking about his girlfriend's past sex life, and gets really painful thoughts and feelings as a result. Yet he keeps doing ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend says its normal for men to cheat
Q. I always caught my boyfriend of 7 years cheating on me. I think he cheated on me 6 times or more. We already have a baby and I thought that he would change. Every time he is caught cheating he always says sorry and promises that he won't do it ...
A. 15 August 2010: Cheating is not ok. And it's not normal for guys. You have every right to throw this guy out of your house.
From his behaviour it sounds like he's not sorry for what he did, and that he'll keep doing it. It also sounds like he expects you to forgi... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 14 August 2010: @Pyroshadow
You said "Trying to tell him that its not his fault he loves someone who has done such awful things."
The problem with retroactive jealousy is one of proportion. In the great majority of cases the woman has done nothing out of t... (read in full...)
Pandora's Box
Q. Im not sure wether this is fair to my loved girlfriend or not; Yet we recently discussed her sexual past for she brought it up. In the process she explained that she has had a number of sexual partners she didn't want to give me the number but she ...
A. 14 August 2010: Don't put her down. This is your girlfriend you are talking about. Your words reveal that you are putting yourself in a superior position to her. If that's honesty how you feel, then you shouldn't be with this girl: a relationship requires mutual ... (read in full...)
How can I trust my wife again and how can I make her trust me?
Q. I have, like most men, some serious Retroactive Jealousy issues. I also have struggled with temper problems in the past. I have been able to control these things for the better part of the last 10 years. Recently, my wife of 7 years and I were...
A. 14 August 2010:
I first want to say well done for taking the steps that you have. I know how incredibly difficult retroactive jealousy can be.
However I think you have a new step to take that strongly relates to what is going on now. It is also a key step tha... (read in full...)
How did she/I get herpes?
Q. My girlfriend has what appears to be genital herpes. She has small, blister-like sores above her clit that she says feel like ingrown hairs. They have been getting worse over the past 2 weeks. A similar sore just turned up on my penis. She went ...
A. 13 August 2010: Herpes can stay dormant indefinitely. So it's very possible either of you two had it a long time ago and it has just appeared now.
No reason to suspect anything unless you have other evidence.... (read in full...)
Circumcision for women... is this all taboo?
Q. Hello, I'm a south african citizen, there are many cultures all over the world and some are considerd taboo.. especially here in the african continent to where im from, i live in johannesburg. most of you who have visited s.a would know it. There ...
A. 9 August 2010: It's horrific and needs to stop.
The reason they're very sensitive about it and don't tell anyone is because they know it's wrong. Very wrong.... (read in full...)
Why is sex sacred to women after marriage when they were so promiscuous before.
Q. I don't understand this. Before she met me, my wife couldn't care less about who she slept with. She was a party girl and gave it up to pretty much anyone. Now that we are married its supposed to be this sacred bond that only she and I share? I do...
A. 9 August 2010: "men have been sleeping around and having one night stands with any woman who would let them for centuries"
The phrasing of that comment betrays it's intent. I would reword it:
"people have been sleeping around and having one night stands wit... (read in full...)
Porn versus love
Q. Mods note: OP's own title: I have an an age old problem-my boyfriend is addicted to porn. We actually broke up but got back together over it. I have two children and you can tell by my figure that I do. But my bf always tells me I am not fat. He ...
A. 8 August 2010: I've spoken to Miamine. Just not on this forum.
It's really best now if we drop this us versus them argument and try to focus on the needs of the original poster. If you want to say any more, please focus on their questions. Bear in mind she has ... (read in full...)
Why is sex sacred to women after marriage when they were so promiscuous before.
Q. I don't understand this. Before she met me, my wife couldn't care less about who she slept with. She was a party girl and gave it up to pretty much anyone. Now that we are married its supposed to be this sacred bond that only she and I share? I do...
A. 8 August 2010: "This is a reflection of the disintegration of the Western moral fabric. I agree with Yos, people DO engage in special and casual sex but it doesn't make it right."
I too have had retroactive jealousy, and when I did I used to believe this too... (read in full...)
Gaming Obsession
Q. Quick question.. I love my boyfriend very much, so much that we're looking into getting a flat together, however i have 1 slight issue.. How do i deal with his gaming obsession, there is this one game he plays that, basically, i actually get ...
A. 8 August 2010: It sounds like he's really a good guy, so you two should do more than fine. Just make sure you can talk about this subject openly, and try do to it in a way that's not accusatory: that doesn't make him feel defensive.
A good tip for this is to st... (read in full...)
This is driving me crazy, how do I score a Mrs. Robinson??
Q. Hello, I'm 14 almost 15. And this has been driving me pretty crazy. As you could imagine I'm really horny at this age and I would like some tips on how to get a Mrs. Robinson. For those of you that don't know it's basically getting it on wi...
A. 8 August 2010: You're not going to like this but...
Whilst an older woman sometimes goes for a younger guy, they wouldn't go for one as young as you. 14-15 will still feel like a child to an adult woman I'm afraid. Plus it's illegal! She could get put in priso... (read in full...)
I'm super interested in trying anal, but is it normal/okay that I mandate he wear a condom
Q. As I've always said since becoming sexually active, I'll try anything once. When I was younger I tried anal (first with a small toy) and that did not go well at all...oww... Nevertheless, it's something I've always been interested in and I'm hopin...
A. 8 August 2010: That's not only typical, but highly advisable. So insisting on that is a very good idea, for many reasons.... (read in full...)
Gaming Obsession
Q. Quick question.. I love my boyfriend very much, so much that we're looking into getting a flat together, however i have 1 slight issue.. How do i deal with his gaming obsession, there is this one game he plays that, basically, i actually get ...
A. 7 August 2010: He might think that, hopefully not.
I suggest you discuss this with him before you move in with him. Ask him how he sees his gaming going.
Then if you're happy to with his answer, get him to promise / agree it.
Having said that, eve... (read in full...)
Why is sex sacred to women after marriage when they were so promiscuous before.
Q. I don't understand this. Before she met me, my wife couldn't care less about who she slept with. She was a party girl and gave it up to pretty much anyone. Now that we are married its supposed to be this sacred bond that only she and I share? I do...
A. 7 August 2010: "Your wife cannot partake in it with abandon in her youth and then expect to have 'special' sex later on when married, If she wanted that she should have kept herself to herself."
Again I have to say that this is simply not true for most people. ... (read in full...)
Uncircumsized, is it really that gross?
Q. Are there any girls out there that prefer an uncircumcised man? I just had a girl in a club push me into a bathroom stall in the mens room. After some kissing she got on her knees, and unzipped my pants. When she saw my stuff, she visibly reco...
A. 7 August 2010: The USA is different from Europe in this respect. In the USA it seems most men get circumcised, so I guess you are unusual. In Europe I believe it's much more mixed.
I'm not circumcised and have never had any complaints at all in this regard f... (read in full...)
I am a virgin but my girl is not.
Q. I've been dating a girl, whom I'm absolutely in love with, for about 8 months. We've had a few rough roads, but most recently, she told me that she was being stupid and had sex with her ex boyfriend and six days later he dumped her. I don't know ...
A. 7 August 2010: No you're not missing out.
She had sex once, and by the sounds of it, it was bad sex. And sex with a virgin isn't any better. Although, since she's only had sex once, she knows nothing about it either really.
One other thing: you had no need ... (read in full...)
Why is sex sacred to women after marriage when they were so promiscuous before.
Q. I don't understand this. Before she met me, my wife couldn't care less about who she slept with. She was a party girl and gave it up to pretty much anyone. Now that we are married its supposed to be this sacred bond that only she and I share? I do...
A. 7 August 2010: You said...
"Now that we are married its supposed to be this sacred bond that only she and I share?"
"Marriage is more than sex, as long as you are emotionally faithful, then why is monogamy so important?"
Did you not intend to stay faith... (read in full...)
Porn versus love
Q. Mods note: OP's own title: I have an an age old problem-my boyfriend is addicted to porn. We actually broke up but got back together over it. I have two children and you can tell by my figure that I do. But my bf always tells me I am not fat. He ...
A. 7 August 2010: Ooops!... (read in full...)
Sexual Past, Lies, Sexual lies
Q. Ok, here goes my question. My wife and I have been struggling over the past year or so because of a long series of lies I have discovered regarding her romantic and sexual past. To save you the drawn out details, there are at least four people she ...
A. 7 August 2010: You're in an incredibly difficult situation.
There's two related things going. As someone else pointed out, you are suffering from retroactive jealousy. This is making you obsess over the 'facts' of your wife's past. Broken trust has led you to d... (read in full...)
Porn versus love
Q. Mods note: OP's own title: I have an an age old problem-my boyfriend is addicted to porn. We actually broke up but got back together over it. I have two children and you can tell by my figure that I do. But my bf always tells me I am not fat. He ...
A. 7 August 2010: "Do NOT diss on my opinion. I'm an academic and it's like arguing with someone who cannot look at two sides of an argument, because they do not have the intelligence!"
Calling people jerk-offs and insulting their intelligence, then asking them not... (read in full...)
Retroactive Jealousy: how do I overcome it?
Q. Right, so I am not even really sure how to start this. Basically, I suffer from what many other men (and few women) seem to suffer from as well. Retroactive Jealousy, or "her past"... Its horrible, its utterly disturbing and self destructive. I have ...
A. 5 August 2010: I'm writing this as someone who has experienced crippling retroactive jealousy at one stage of my life, and over time overcome it. Noting that having done so, it's not a permanent guarantee of being free of it, but rather a place where some ongoing ... (read in full...)
Sex toys for males?
Q. Hello everyone! I'm a 18 year old guy and I love masturbating. I'm not obsessed with it, I only do it 3-5 times a day, but it's not like I can't stop if I wanted to or that I'm doing it in public. I want to get a male sex toy, but I can't beca...
A. 4 August 2010: I suggest trying to stick to once a day. ... (read in full...)
Slowly going crazy with guilt!!!
Q. *OP Title* This is a bit of a mess. I recently married my boyfriend (now husband) of 8 years. We are so happy and I love him so much and I know he loves me too. Ever since we got engaged I have been thinking about a mistake I made in the first 3 w...
A. 4 August 2010: Ouch.
Well good luck.
Understand that, as someone said, he'll possibly feel like this happened yesterday. Your relationship may not survive this. You need to let him be very emotional about this if he needs to.
I can only suggest that yo... (read in full...)
I'm not a virgin but I want a virgin wife
Q. Okay, so... I have been very active in my life, more so than most people. I put it down to my confidence levels but many put it down to me being an ass. Except for this I'm always good, never harm anything or anyone and any chance I get I help ...
A. 4 August 2010: You've been given some great answers below by the other aunts. I strongly suggest you try to understand them, rather than dismiss them as I suspect you will.
I will add that mensa-type intelligence is only one form of intelligence: IQ. Ofter pe... (read in full...)
Slowly going crazy with guilt!!!
Q. *OP Title* This is a bit of a mess. I recently married my boyfriend (now husband) of 8 years. We are so happy and I love him so much and I know he loves me too. Ever since we got engaged I have been thinking about a mistake I made in the first 3 w...
A. 3 August 2010: In relationships we need to be both honest and kind. But sometimes kind has to win out over honest. Like now.
The information will quite possibly really hurt him. He doesn't deserve that. ... (read in full...)
Retrograde jealousy
Q. DearCupid sees many stories about men and women who find out after they are married that their partners have more sexual experience or partners than was initially understood. It is a very real problem for the one who is devastated to discover the ...
A. 31 July 2010: I'm writing this as someone who has experienced crippling retroactive jealousy at one stage of my life, and over time overcome it. Noting that having done so, it's not a permanent guarantee of being free of it, but rather a place where some ongoing ... (read in full...)
Retroactive Jealousy: how do I overcome it?
Q. Right, so I am not even really sure how to start this. Basically, I suffer from what many other men (and few women) seem to suffer from as well. Retroactive Jealousy, or "her past"... Its horrible, its utterly disturbing and self destructive. I have ...
A. 3 January 2009: I've just found this question. There are some great responses here. I was wondering if the OP is still around, and if anything here has helped at all?... (read in full...)
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