| Latest articles: Love Shouldn’t Hurt: Signs of Abusive Behaviour
This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
21 April 2009: Covered in this article: Ask yourself | What are the signs of an abuser? | What is abuse? | Now what? | Escape plan | Shelters | Summary ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +++INTRODUCTIO...
|
How do we deal with racial insults?
Q. I'm 23, my girlfriend's 25 and from Germany originally, and we've been together for 2 years since we met at university together. We live together, and are doing well in our respective employment. Our relationship is great, however, ...
A. 9 March 2009: Why are they against Germany??? Are they sooo behind in their history class or what?
Do you have a small recorder? I wonder if you can record it when they are throwing insults at you and your g/f on your small recorder. Do it several times. T... (read in full...)
Confused in Iraq
Q. So, Im a US soldier currently deployed to Iraq for the third time. I met my wife in 2006, shortly after returning from my first deployment. We had a very strong, and wonderful relationship. Right before I left in February of 07 for a second ...
A. 9 March 2009: OMG! You are a keeper indeed!
Please do not continue to say that you are "throwing 12 years of service". Please think of it that you are changing career. Many people, either by choice or not, change careers midway into their professional life. I ... (read in full...)
I told my wife to leave the marriage & finish her studies but now I regret!
Q. After 9 months of marriage, i made decision to let my wife go back to her parents and continue her studies. but after when she was leave me for studies and took back my decision and asked her not to leave me and instead save our marriage. They told ...
A. 9 March 2009: I am a bit confused here.
You asked your wife to leave because (a) you were having problems with your marriage, (b) she desperately wanted to go back to college and have a career too, (c) all of the above?
In India where you live, does it me... (read in full...)
Home remedies for removing moles
Q. Hello :) Well im going to a party in a few weeks, and I have a gorgeous backless red dress. Only problem is im reeeealy self conscious about this mole I have on my back. I know im being stupid, its tiny! And its slightly risen... so I was wonderin...
A. 9 March 2009: Please DO NOT temper with your mole. It could be dangerous. No home remedies either! If you need to remove it, go to a clinic or hospital, to check if it is benign or malignant.
Wrong handling of moles can result it changing into infections, tumo... (read in full...)
Should I meet up with the Ex, even though I risk cheating on my boyfriend?
Q. Please help - I was dumped over 8 months ago by a man I was head over heels in love with. I was devastated. I was so so down. I met someone else very quickly, who feel head over heels in love with me, and made me feel great, wanted and ...
A. 9 March 2009: No harm in seeing him. Tell your boyfriend about it. Then meet up with your ex - but you bring your b/f along too. And if you are really in love with your b/f, you probably cannot take your hands off him anyways .. small gestures, like always ... (read in full...)
His whole family really does hate me, there's a family event coming up, and I don't know what to do!
Q. Ok... So i did something really bad. I snooped and found out my future mother-in-laws e-mail password and got into her e-mail. it was just to prove a point to my fiance. I know that I invaded her privacy so I really don't need anyone scolding me on ...
A. 9 March 2009: What was it they said? You can choose your friends but you are stuck with your family? But, in my experience, sometimes, just sometimes, it is the immediate family who you can go to get help and will help, if simply because of the "blood ties".
... (read in full...)
My fiancee wants an abortion, but the thought of it makes me sick. What should I do?
Q. Hi everyone. My fiancee was scared to death of becoming pregnant and now she is. We use contraception but nothing is 100% as you all know. She has always been adamant that she will get an abortion regardless of whether I want it or not and she says ...
A. 9 March 2009: How far along is she? Do you live near your parents, or siblings (if you have any), or your grandparents?
In addition to Damluvaam's suggestion that you raise it on your own, perhaps you can also let her know that your relatives (or hers) will be ... (read in full...)
Fiance will not get a job!
Q. Hi all, I have been with my fiancé for nearly 2 years now. Recently he was made redundant and to make ends meet we are now living with his parents. I am still in work and just got promoted. My problem is this, my fiancé, let’s say his name is...
A. 8 March 2009: Yes, I shudder to think what your life would be like if you continue your relationship with him.
Many "aunts" here have written plenty of notes on abuse, be it emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. It boils down to "respect" and in abuse cases, "... (read in full...)
I lied to him about my age, now he's finding it difficult to trust me. How can I gain his trust back?
Q. Hi, I wrote earlier about lying to my fiance about my age. Well the thing is I thought we'd past that, but apparently, it keeps coming up, now and then if I do anything, he suddenly remembers that I lied before. How do I keep him from second ...
A. 8 March 2009: In addition to ArmyMedic's question, ask yourself if you ever lied to him other than your age. I'm not talking about small white lies, like, saying you havent had lunch when you actually had one, or the dinner he prepared was delicious when you know ... (read in full...)
How do I show her that I love her and think about her but that I need some "me time" too?
Q. My wife and I have been married 2 years and she is Filipino. Ever since we got together she wants to be together all the time. Sometimes I just want to go and do things with the guys. She tells me she wants me to do things with my friends but when I ...
A. 8 March 2009: How did you meet your wife? Did she have a relationship in the past that caused her to think that when men go out on their own, they were up to all sorts of mischief? Could this be the reason that she was "insecure" and always wants to tag along ... (read in full...)
He abuses me "slightly..but breaking up is really hard to do
Q. I am not happy in my relationship with my bf. He abuses me slightly, like its not that bad, but it does upset me. But the thing is, there is times when I am really happy in the relationship too, and I dont want to let go of those. Within the las...
A. 8 March 2009: I believe FroggieGMan, and the rest of the aunts here. Male aunts :-) This is really interesting, the male aunts outnumbered the female and they all agree that your b/f is indeed an abuser.
Let me ask you this: if you love someone, would yo... (read in full...)
He abuses me "slightly..but breaking up is really hard to do
Q. I am not happy in my relationship with my bf. He abuses me slightly, like its not that bad, but it does upset me. But the thing is, there is times when I am really happy in the relationship too, and I dont want to let go of those. Within the las...
A. 8 March 2009: It sounds like he forgets his "promises" very quickly, once he gets what he wants. And you somewhat reinforced that habit. But, that is rather unfair of me to say that since I don't know what you meant by what you consider as "slightly" when he ... (read in full...)
What does she classify as sex?
Q. My wife and I have been married for 1 year and we dated for 2 years before we got married. We were both virgins and we were saving ourselves for marriage. We both cherrished our virginitys and think its something special. We gave our virginitys ...
A. 8 March 2009: I fully agree with Tomas, and love Starfish's comment.
Virginity is indeed a social construct, a concept "imposed" as a norm or a value, as means of power relations. If you are a virgin you are above the rest. If they say "but virgins are to d... (read in full...)
Can an affair make our relationship stronger?
Q. My wife of 12 years met a guy online a few weeks ago. She kept me in the loop as the relationship developed into a very sexually driven banter. Now she is trying to meet up with him and ultimately have sex. This has been a roller coaster of emoti...
A. 8 March 2009: I am shaking my head and keep thinking that this is not right, Shades of Blue (hmmm... I like that name)
Your wife is having an affair, which has escalated from flirting with sexual innuendos on the net, to the next level pretty soon ... actual p... (read in full...)
Why did he want sex when he was angry?
Q. Okay me and my bf,have lots of fun together.But i get worried about him when he goes on this temper thing.One time i was over at his house,and lets just say this wasn't one of his great days.He was angry,then he started saying babe please can you ...
A. 8 March 2009: I always like to think that love equals respect equals caring equals supportive of each other. I could go on, but it could get boring.
Anyways, Aunt Tomas has given the first link and first step toward educating yourself on why your b/f behaves ... (read in full...)
I'm only 21 and I have lost the passion for sex in my relationship.
Q. I am a 21 year-old female who has lost the passion for sex in my relationship. My fiance wants it all the time, and is beginning to feel rejected. If I am not in the mood it's no fun for either of us, so what should I do?...
A. 8 March 2009: Don't they say that for the majority of women, sex means so much more than a "physical activity" involving penetration of a penis into a vagina and culminating in an orgasm (of at least one partner)? That to many women, sexual interaction is a means ... (read in full...)
How do I make her understand my problem?
Q. How do i make her understand my problem? help ......? hi, im going to get married next year and the wedding date is fixed after talks with my and my bf's parents.im doing a day job and he is doing a night job. my parents are BUYING me a house ne...
A. 7 March 2009: Can you draw a list of pros and cons on each option? (a) rent a house near her, (b) buy a house half way between her place and the place that your parents are buying, and (c) buying a house your parents paying for. In the list, also include ... (read in full...)
I love my cousin's sister
Q. Hi guys, I need ur urgent help very urgent, ok here's the problem I love my cousin's sister a lot (maternal uncle's daughter) but I don't see her much, I only see her once in a year or 2 but I'm crazy about jet she is damn damn hot, she is only 19 ...
A. 7 March 2009: Did you not ask this question before?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/shes-hot-and-i-want-to-have-sex.html
Cat
... (read in full...)
He thinks my body BELONGS to him!!!!
Q. My boyfriend of 4 months says I'm his... therefore so is my body, supposedly we love each other. He says he does, his hands are always all over me, alone or not! Once we are in a private place and he wouldn't stop! I don't mind that but I do mind ...
A. 7 March 2009: This is the 21st century, and you are in America.
You are the "owner" of your own body. You are not his "slave".
You are a human being, not a blow up doll.
If he does not understand the concepts above, then he needs to catch up several centurie... (read in full...)
Why is my daughter-in-law jealous of the bond I have with my grandson.
Q. Why is my daughter-in-law jealous of the bond I have with my grandson. I have brought him up since he was 3 month old. I had him every day while she works, he's nearly 3 now. Because I am very close to him she has put him in full time nursery....
A. 7 March 2009: Unless, like Gina and Army Medic pointed out, your daughter in law has explicitly say to you that she does not want to spend a lot of time again with you, her decision on the nursery school may indeed have more to do with the more contemporary ... (read in full...)
I am worried that my new husband is a verbal and emotional abuser.
Q. I am worried that my new husband (of 3 months!) is a verbal and emotional abuser. He seems to go through a calm cycle and then will get tense and run me down, it seems as though he has nothing positive to say about what I do. He is only like this ...
A. 7 March 2009: I can actually hear the sadness and desperation in your story. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so low and so down at the moment.
Now, HotGuy did bring up a point, in that you cannot change a person if that person does not want to change h... (read in full...)
Saving ourselves for marriage but want to spice up things
Q. so ive been with this amazing guy for almost three years now and i love him to death. the thing is, we're always together but dont have much alone time so when we do, we want to make it count. we're both saving ourselves for marriage but we need ...
A. 7 March 2009: Tomas - Yup, sorry, forgot to check the age bracket. Thanks for reminding me :-)
... (read in full...)
Neighbour trouble!
Q. My neighbour is 10 years younger than me and I fancy her like mad. We are both married with kids. I told her how I felt last week and we have chatted since. She was surprised but didn't turn me down, I'd say she is shocked and confused. I cannot g...
A. 7 March 2009: Are you having problems in your marriage? Is she? Do you have children? Does she?
If you are not having problems in your marriage, are you willing to risk the invetable problems if you had an affair with her? Are you prepared to lose everythi... (read in full...)
A little boring...need advice without spending a fortune
Q. Hi all I have become a little borining in my relationship and I wonder if there is somthing I can do to be less boring or hum drum without going wild and spending a fortune what will my wife enjoy. Thanks in advance....
A. 7 March 2009: How big a house do you have? Do you have a garden? Or a backyard? Do you have an attic? Do you have a basement? Are a bit artistic? or at least, have artistic taste?
There's zillios of things to do around the house (in addition to Gina's suggesti... (read in full...)
Would a plaser cast put you guys off a girl?
Q. one for the men... i (have been lead to) beleive that i am a fairly attractive woman and men get on with men really well, i'm currently single though :-( ,in a couple of months i am going to have to have a couple of operations to stabilise my knee ...
A. 7 March 2009: Absolutely not. You have been told that you are a fairly attractive woman, so you must be. Attractive. Not fairly. Just wonderfully attractive. Period. Brain and hearts are the two main sexual organs (if you can call "heart/mind" as an organ though) ... (read in full...)
Saving ourselves for marriage but want to spice up things
Q. so ive been with this amazing guy for almost three years now and i love him to death. the thing is, we're always together but dont have much alone time so when we do, we want to make it count. we're both saving ourselves for marriage but we need ...
A. 7 March 2009: Is actually getting married now, still out of the question? That way, you're still together, you still spend a lot of time together, and most importantly, you get to have sex! Yaaay!
Cat
... (read in full...)
Is it normal to not want to see him 24/7?
Q. Is it normal to not want to see him 24/7? I went out with my boyfriend last night... I worked, headed off to class, and then quickly freshened up to go see him. I came home a little past 3:30a.m. Then, I woke up and back to work. Now, I'm tired and ...
A. 7 March 2009: Normal is what normal is. The society has its own "values" or "norms" imposed on its members. You being one of the latter.
Is it "normal" for a woman to stay home and look after the house and the children?
Is it "normal" for a couple to have a... (read in full...)
What should a man see in a woman before saying yes to her proposal?
Q. what all should a (Indian, family oriented) man see in a woman before saying yes to her proposal?...
A. 7 March 2009: You say that you are Indian and family oriented. Are you talking about a woman proposing to you in an arranged marriage kind of situation?
If yes, then first you need to ask all the parties involved (your family members, particulalry if they hav... (read in full...)
So if I start to like normal weight guys, does that make me shallow?
Q. Hi, this might be a bit confusing, but I'll explain it to the best of my ability: I've always been a petite girl. I'm 19 and I am 5'5" and 110 lbs and I used to be what people call a "chubby chaser". During my teenage years, I only ever dated bigger ...
A. 7 March 2009: You are young. You are currently "exploring" different options in your life. That sounds OK to me. Different people go through different process in their "life discovery" journeys.
While I was reading your story, I was actually thinking along th... (read in full...)
Desperate to have a baby and willing to have sex with anyone to get one
Q. I have a problem, and would love to get some advice/help with it. Thanks!! Okay! I'm single and want a baby so badly that I'm willing to have sex with anyone and then be a single parent. The only problem is, I don't want'a deal with the pa...
A. 7 March 2009: As Uluvme0723 said, you are trying to fill a void in your life. Of caring for another human being and in return, the human being gives you unconditional love. These can only be given to you by an innocent baby. At this stage, your comments about ... (read in full...)
My mother is smothering me!
Q. im a college student, never gotten into no trouble at all, my friends arent criminals or anything exept for one person who i dont hang out with anymore. yet when i go out my mother calls me like every 10 min to check out what im doing with who and ...
A. 7 March 2009: What disabilities do you have? You said it is not a life threatening one. Well, I guess it is not, since you are away from home in college.
I have a wicked grin on my face right now. You know why? Because I was thinking of this: Put your cell pho... (read in full...)
Is my ex testing me? Or is it all a joke?
Q. Ok, my ex broke up with me 5 months ago. He said that 'love' was a strong word and what not. He kept tabs on me for the first 2 months, but then he completely stopped talking to me. Yesterday I was talking to my friend( who happens to be his frie...
A. 7 March 2009: Hmm .... I would say ... let him make the first move. He knows that you still like him. Was the one who broke it off with you? Who said the "love" was a strong word? Yet he "kept tabs on you"? This is a bit disconcerting actually, as to me it shows ... (read in full...)
I like my pregnant friend
Q. okay well im 15...i am kind of an outgoing guy with the girls but idk how to ask one out. I have one friend that i like and i feel she likes me too...but im not sure because today i saw her with another guy flirting and it hurt me alot! also she is ...
A. 7 March 2009: Well, you would do what any good and true friend would do: set aside your feeling, be the friend she needs right now.
How do you that?
1. Search this site for Q+A on "pregnancy", "pros and cons on abortion and adoption", "teen pregnancy", "[ag... (read in full...)
Two faced ex I still love
Q. i was with my ex for 14yrs and we are separated now she said she did not trust me and i lied to her about small stuff and she did not have the energy to work at the relationship anymore,then i found out that she had been cheating and lying to me for ...
A. 7 March 2009: OK, Mack. You are correct, you need help. While we all would like to, I don't think we can provide you with the help that you need right now.
Number one, both of you need to be counselled as a married couple (if both of you wanted it to make it ... (read in full...)
Sickeningly happy but how to propose? UPDATE!
Q. Hi everyone! I would like to thank everybody who responded to my question, you all gave me some great advice! Well, I did it. I popped the question and she said... YES!!! I asked her, on Wednesday night, if she still had the silver fitted dr...
A. 6 March 2009: THANK YOU!
The dress is lovely! Definitely a go!
Now, next question: Do you have a twin brother, or perhaps a clone? ;-)
Hugs to both of you
Cat
... (read in full...)
She wants to elope!!!
Q. I have been with with my girlfreind for four months, we planned a trip to Jamaica and she has been talking about eloping after we get there, she went online and even looked up everything we have to do and how long we have to be on the island before ...
A. 6 March 2009: elope
· v. run away secretly in order to get married.
– DERIVATIVES elopement n. eloper n.
– ORIGIN C16 (in the sense ‘abscond, run away’): from Anglo-Norman Fr. aloper.
I am a bit confused here. Are you talking about the act of "elopement" w... (read in full...)
He's not doing his fair share of the chores and it's wearing me down...
Q. I have been with my partner for three years and we have a lovely little boy. We moved in together in September last year and things just are not the same. Fair enough he goes to work so I can train at college to become a hairdresser but the problem ...
A. 6 March 2009: One weekend. Just one weekend, tell him you need to go somewhere for one weekend.. Without him and without your little boy.
Or better still, not one the weekend, but on a weekday. Give him the list of chores and things to do, and a separate... (read in full...)
At times I find myself hating her... should I call it a day with her?
Q. I have been with my girl 6 years on and off. From the start she has hidden things like texting ex's(denied for 1 year until he told me), joining dating sites, calling me by the wrong name, phone calls from males and then lies as she's unaware I'm ...
A. 6 March 2009: Yes it is. Quit. She is abusing you. You are showing clear symptoms of victim of a long term mental abuse: questioning your self-worth, low esteem (in your relationship with her).
Here's a link from today, that you can catch up on reading:... (read in full...)
This woman intrigues me and I'd love to ask her out for coffee...
Q. I've recently become more friendly with a woman who works in a store I frequent. She's always been very nice and she's very likable and I enjoy talking to her. I'd love to ask her out for coffee sometime. I'm not sure if she's interested or just ...
A. 6 March 2009: How sweet.
I would say, just ask her if it would be okay to invite her for coffee down the road. That way she'd be safe knowing it is just around the corner from her place of work. If she politely declines your invitation, most likely it is (a) s... (read in full...)
Clubs are such a nightmare! Where else can I meet women?
Q. Hi, I'm in my first year at university, and since I started in September I haven't had a lot of luck with the ladies. To be specific, I dated a girl on my course for three months before we ended on mutual terms. Apart from that, no joy. Part of the ...
A. 6 March 2009: Bookshops in town! Non-fiction section or fiction sections of your choice.
Art houses
Flower shops
Health food shops
Dance class/club (Salsa? They always need more men!)
Swimming Pool
Hmmmm... they'd be my choices ... but not necessai... (read in full...)
Two faced ex I still love
Q. i was with my ex for 14yrs and we are separated now she said she did not trust me and i lied to her about small stuff and she did not have the energy to work at the relationship anymore,then i found out that she had been cheating and lying to me for ...
A. 6 March 2009: Dear Mack,
Were you a very caring and confident person before your relationship with your wife? If you were, the tone of your question is already showing the symptom of a long term emotional abuse.
You checked up on her because you had ... (read in full...)
Two faced ex I still love
Q. i was with my ex for 14yrs and we are separated now she said she did not trust me and i lied to her about small stuff and she did not have the energy to work at the relationship anymore,then i found out that she had been cheating and lying to me for ...
A. 6 March 2009: You have been in a relationship where your wife was abusive to you. It is not surprising that you are the one feeling "bad", because like any abusive relationship, one partner is left behind with feelings of low self esteem and "dependency" toward ... (read in full...)
Sickeningly happy but how to propose? UPDATE!
Q. Hi everyone! I would like to thank everybody who responded to my question, you all gave me some great advice! Well, I did it. I popped the question and she said... YES!!! I asked her, on Wednesday night, if she still had the silver fitted dr...
A. 6 March 2009: Aaahhhh ... (my whole heart and body just melt away reading your story)
Congratulations and hugs to the both of you!
May you remember this day for the rest of your life. When you are at your happiest, when you are at your saddest or most ... (read in full...)
| *onderingcat's friends
These are mutual friends, so *onderingcat has
added them and they have added *onderingcat!
|
