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| Latest articles: "Be Yourself" is Pointless Advice
This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
27 August 2011: Let's leave aside for now the fact that philosophers have pondered for millennia what the "self" actually is. Not going to get into that, most of those men were a lot brighter than I am (okay, all of them were, but that's not the point). Inst...
How to be Attractive, a Beginner's Guide for Men
This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
2 August 2011: This is mostly a repost of some advice I posted a while back; Cerberus seemed to like it, and Tisha suggested posting it as an article. Things have been expanded on or reworded a bit. Note that the title is not "How to get a girl," or "How t...
Marriage - why should any man bother?
This question has 29 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
23 July 2010: Women… why should any guy propose marriage? Full disclosure: I have never been married, but several family members and friends have been hurt by divorce, and I know of only a handful of happy marriages over one year old. My feelings for the...
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What are the defining qualities that you look for in a man, from initial attraction to wanting to develop a relationship with someone?
Q. Question to the women out there on dear cupid... What are the defining qualities that you look for in a man, from initial attraction to wanting to develop a relationship with someone? I only ask this for a little advice as I struggle quit...
A. 31 May 2011: This is a good question to ask the women in your own life - be they friends, sisters, or your cousin's roommate's ex girlfriend. Compare the answers they give to the guys they have actually dated. You'll notice a huge discrepency between what ... (read in full...)
Only the creepy ones seem attracted to me?
Q. I had my first boyfriend when I was 16. I am 17 now. He turned out to be a creep 'cause he was wayyyy more interested in my body than me as an actual person. I am no longer looking for a relationship, and rarely give anybody any hints that I wan...
A. 30 May 2011: There's a selection bias at work here. Normal people get the hint quickly, and leave. They see you're closed body language, or they listen to your tone of voice, or notice that you're not making the kind of eye contact someone does when they're ... (read in full...)
Is it wrong to not be career driven and financially motivated?
Q. Hi there. I have a bit of a problem. I'm 38 and my bf is 37. We are currently trying for a baby and also buying a house together. My problem is that my bf is quite career driven and I feel he expects me to be. But I'm not. I currently earn about £1...
A. 30 May 2011: By itself, not being career-driven is acceptable, even normal.
However, if you're going to be having a child, you have to put that child above your own needs. That may mean working harder and climbing the corporate ladder. You'll need savings ... (read in full...)
What is the difference in these terms?
Q. What is the difference between these terms or states of a relationship in the American (or Western) culture? * Friendship * Dating * Relationship * Boyfriend/girlfriend Thanks...
A. 30 May 2011: Whether or not moving from dating to a relationship is a big deal depends on the person. Some people see it as a huge deal; others don't think too much about it.
"Commitment" is kind of complicated, though. This is just a personal opinion,... (read in full...)
Staying true to myself doesn't make me cool, and if you're not cool do you stand a chance with women?
Q. I have been trying to change who I am for the past two years, and it has not worked. If I'm honest, I've never been "cool", I've always been slightly kooky and individual. That all changed when I got jealous of my peers in relationships an...
A. 29 May 2011: It depends on how you approach it. If you're just acting cool, you'll be too busy faking it to enjoy the benefits, and it'll be too easy to slip up. However, people who tell you to "be yourself" are forgetting that the self is not some unchang... (read in full...)
How should I handle living with my arty boyfriend?
Q. Hi I am wondering if 'arty' people are difficult to live with in general? Is it hard to live with someone who likes to shut themselves away for a couple of days at a time while they fulfil this need to create? I'm asking this question because...
A. 29 May 2011: If he gets defensive about his music time when you bring up other issues, I'm willing to bet that in previous relationships, women would criticize other things about him as a sneaky way to attack his music time (for instance, get him to promise to ... (read in full...)
What is the difference in these terms?
Q. What is the difference between these terms or states of a relationship in the American (or Western) culture? * Friendship * Dating * Relationship * Boyfriend/girlfriend Thanks...
A. 29 May 2011: Western culture is not really one, uniform culture. There are far too many subcultures, all of which are very different from each other, to really get a handle on western culture by itself. To use music as an example, the people you meet at a rap ... (read in full...)
Guys: How experienced do you like your girl to be?
Q. So here's a question to the guys out here. Do you like the girl to just lay there during the first times you have sex with her so that you can feel more confident, do you like that she takes some initiative (like?) or do you just want t...
A. 29 May 2011: Why would a guy feel confident when she's just laying there? She needs to be responding in some way to his efforts, or he'll feel like he was no good. Unless, of course, he doesn't care whether she's enjoying it or not.
If "sitting back and enjo... (read in full...)
I tortured him because he loved me. I'm a idiot.
Q. There was this guy that love me so much that it made me kinda hate him so used to do a lot of hateful things to him so he would suffer because I knew he would keep coming back for more no matter what. He finally left me and I can't forgive myself ...
A. 29 May 2011: He's gone. The best you can hope for is to learn something from this. Girls want to be loved, but they don't want to be loved significantly more than they love the guy back. That kind of unrequited devotion inspires contempt. Would it be ... (read in full...)
Confused about her signals. Does she like me??
Q. Me [18] and my college friends have recently started clubbing, and a friend of a friend called Rosie has joined us. I quite like her, and suspect she likes me. She laughs at unfunny jokes and 'brushes' against me whenever she can, holds my hands to ...
A. 29 May 2011: Who cares if she likes you now? You'll stand a better chance of swaying her feelings if you make a move than if you don't. Even if she isn't interested now, she may grow to be interested. Thing is, with most girls it's better to let it happen "n... (read in full...)
So why haven't I met someone who seems like a good match?
Q. So I'm 27, almost 28, and I've never had a real serious relationship. It frightens me, because I feel like there's something wrong with me! I date guys, but they never seem to stick around long (I'm not clingy, I'm actually pretty cool and funn...
A. 26 May 2011: If a guy is just looking for a sex partner, don't date him, and *do not* sleep with him. If you do that, not only will he no longer view you as girlfriend material, but none of the other guys in his social circle will, either.
You have to build... (read in full...)
Attached men visiting strip clubs?
Q. How to deal with a man who use to visit strip clubs when he was single!!My boyfriend was a strip club visitor when he was single. He tries explaining to me that he feels those were better places to hang out, have a beer and relax, than a normal bar. ...
A. 26 May 2011: Once or twice a year is probably fine. Strip clubs are a lot more relaxing and enjoyable than regular bars, even if you can't get a dance. Nice ambience. Much better place to have a few beers and catch up with friends. As for going to clubs in ... (read in full...)
Do you think it would be ok for me to meet up with him, even though I don't know what is happening with the other guy yet?
Q. I'm not sure what to do. I was seeing a guy recently, but i'm not sure what is going on with us at the moment. We have only been on a few dates, so i'm not sure that you could say that we are in a relationship yet, but neither of us has said that we ...
A. 26 May 2011: Technically, you wouldn't be lying or manipulating anyone if you saw the new guy while seeing the old one, since no relationship has been established. However, dating more than one person at once is low-class behavior, wanting to have your cake and ... (read in full...)
Guys, do you follow the 3-day rule or the one week rule when asking a girl out?
Q. guys, how long do you usually wait to ask a girl out on the first date after you've gotten her number? i recently met a guy and we clicked really well, good conversation, flirting and all. when i got home i got a msg from him saying he would think ...
A. 26 May 2011: The games are for two reasons - 1) girls don't like guys who seem to eager, and 2) guys like to have a plan of action, so putting a solid number to it is easier than playing by ear.
Personally, I think too many girls know about the 3-day rule (or... (read in full...)
Why can't he commit to just me?
Q. I am 18 years of age, and for three years I have been inlove with one particular male. We have been close from the day we have met. And I have always stood by him and been loyal. Although the relationship has been on and off for the past three years ...
A. 25 May 2011: CaringGuy basically describes the guy perfectly.
Here's something about yourself to remember, as well: you don't get commitment unless commitment is the price of admission for being with you. In the past three years, you have repeatedly demonstr... (read in full...)
What do I do about the abusive part of my relationship?
Q. My boyfriend hits me and gets in my face all of them time and he will not let me do anything at all, what do i do about the abuse part of my relationship?...
A. 25 May 2011: The abuse and the relationship are inseperable. If a person is abusive, that's just how they relate. There's no changing it.
If you can't handle that, get out. If you *can* handle that - well, there's something terribly wrong and you need to ... (read in full...)
If your husband gave you permission to have sex with another guy on occasion, would you do it?
Q. If your husband gave you permission to have sex with another guy on occasion, would you do it? Can you think of people in the past you met during your marriage that you would have "done" if you had a "hall pass"? What is the option was one-sided: ...
A. 25 May 2011: Any husband who offered that to his wife would find that she lost a huge amount of attraction to him. The jealousy and mate-guarding that are part of monogamy are a significant part of what convince a wife that her husband is a good, manly ... (read in full...)
After years of a sexless marriage my eye is beginning to wander
Q. OK, here's my situation. I have a good marriage of 12 years and a nine year old son. In the last 9 years my wife has not made love to me except for two times, even though every other part of the marriage works. Even after surviving SERIOUS cancer ...
A. 25 May 2011: First: wrecking someone else's marriage is not the right way to fix yours, either on a practical level or a karmic one. Stop pursuing this woman.
Second: communication with your wife about this is vital. But that does not mean sitting her down... (read in full...)
Why do women date the bad boys but marry the nice guys?
Q. Dear cupid, i was wondering why women date and sleep with bad boys through out there youth but run to marry nice guys in there 30's when there less attractive and are looking for stability and safety for a guy who has worked hard, being dumped for ...
A. 25 May 2011: I think the real source of arguably justifiable bitterness here for a lot of men is not "now she's all used up," it's "she and others like her did not appreciate me when I was younger." I'll leave my views on promiscuity aside completely for this ... (read in full...)
My wife has gotten so fat, I can barely have sex with her!
Q. When I married my wife she was smoking hot. I would say an LA "8". Everywhere we went cars honked at her, I couldn't take a piss w/o a guy taking my barstool and taking his shot. Even women hit on her So we got married. As the years ticked by ...
A. 25 May 2011: Don't let anyone shame you into feeling bad about this. She's failing in her responsibilities to you, to do her best to help make you feel happy, the mirror image of the responsibility you have to her. She is failing in her responsibility to her ... (read in full...)
I get so frustrated about my bf's habit of walking away from our arguments!
Q. Is it a bad thing to walk away from a fight? Or an argument? Instead of staying around and sort things out? My boyfriend and I ended up in an argument, where his final response was that he couldn't say anything right because it seems I get hurt...
A. 25 May 2011: Think of it this way: would you rather he just get more and more angry and irrational, or would you rather he leave, take a breather, and come back to it? Is it more important that an argument happen all in one sitting, or that it get resolved so ... (read in full...)
I love this girl but I'm not sure if she even likes me or if there's someone else in her life...
Q. So there's this girl that i really like. So here's the story. I moved to a new state during my senior year, and i met this girl on my first day at the new school. She seems really cool and all. At that time, she had a boyfriend. After gettin...
A. 23 May 2011: You've missed a lot of opportunities to make a move. Girls only give so many of those before they move on. You have to make a move, even if you don't think there's a high chance of success. The months following her breakup would have been a good ... (read in full...)
I'm completely against my BF getting a bullet bike, but he says he would choose the bike over me without a second thought!!
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. He is amazing in almost every way. We are so alike and we have so much fun together, and we have a passionate love life. I love him more than anything but recently I have begun to have doubts ...
A. 23 May 2011: What was the context of him telling you he'd get over you? Did you bring up the subject, or did he? That would have a big effect on how he meant it. Can you share the details on that?
As for the bike, let him get it. I could be wrong, but I th... (read in full...)
Why do guys get handsy in a bar when a girl is JUST talking to them!?
Q. I don't understand why when i'm at a bar and a guy approaches me he seems nice, funny and pretty respectful at first. But then he'll start getting handsy whilst we're talking, such as putting his hand on my waist or bum and it's like they do it ...
A. 23 May 2011: Jmtmj has it right. It's the fastest, most efficient way of seeing if you're DTF that night. If you're not, they don't want to waste time and effort. Most of these guys would show respect and decency in other environments.
The lack of provocat... (read in full...)
Does grammar matter when people communicate today? Or is it a lost cause? What's your pet grammar issue?
Q. First off I will admit it: sometimes I mis-spell words. And another thing, sometimes when I'm in a hurry I abbreviate some words. And when I was at University I used to have the best set of abbreviations in Contract Law. If I needed to refer to ...
A. 22 May 2011: Here's another issue I have with communication - when you use words like "tend," "usually," or "often," but the other person hears "always." Or when people generally ignore adjectives and adverbs because they're too busy getting hung up on the ... (read in full...)
Is Pornography cheating?
Q. The age old question on this site seems to be "is pornography use cheating?" My response to that first depends on how you define cheating. A relationship is basically a sexual contract, an agreement between two (sometimes more) people. These people ...
A. 22 May 2011: Maybe Cerberus is right about some guys enjoying expressing power over women through porn. Or even most guys. I don't know, that's not why I do it.
I'm more with Janniepeg on this one, dominance (up to and including cumming on the face) or inequ... (read in full...)
What can I wear for swimming? I have huge legs!
Q. I would love to go Swimming this summer and my Best friend just put up a swimming pool in her backyard and invited me but my big problem is i don't do the whole swimming suit thing not at all, My issue is my Huge legs and i won't even consider ...
A. 22 May 2011: Short term: just wear a normal swimsuit, one or two piece. The long stuff won't hide the size or shape of your legs, it will only draw attention to the fact that you're self-concious about them, while discouraging you from swimming. Just be proud ... (read in full...)
He wanted to kiss me but I was too scared!
Q. Girls (or guys) I need help. I just went to my second date with a guy and everything was so fun, before he left, the only thing I've been able to say is "..eh...hug??". Like last time. MY GOD. And i'm seeing him again in a few days. On our fir...
A. 22 May 2011: Well, the "Eh, hug" thing probably tells him you have no interest, but if you have another date planned, you can recover from this.
If you can get him alone anytime during the second half of the date (and "alone" includes outdoors on the sidewalk... (read in full...)
Friend planning on having unprotected sex!
Q. My friend is planning on having unprotected sex with her boyfriend and I'm seriously worried she'll end up preagant at 17 but she won't listen to me when I tell her to get on the pill of use a condom and I don't know what do to get her to listen? ...
A. 22 May 2011: She won't listen. So talk to the boyfriend.
Tell the guy she wants his baby. Make an offhand mention of child support. She clearly wants his baby, and I'm willing to bet he doesn't have the desire or means to be a father. Ask him to be discr... (read in full...)
Should I tell my future husband I had sex with a married man?
Q. pls i need ur help. i was disvirgined by a married man and we both find it hard to leave each other. but i know one day i will have to go and settle down since he is settled down. we had sex a couple of times. i am worried about my future becos i am ...
A. 22 May 2011: Well, if he asks about it, the choice comes down to either refusing to talk about it, lying, or telling the truth.
If you refuse to talk about it, I guarantee his imagination will come up with something worse than the truth. This goes double i... (read in full...)
We run out of things to talk about!
Q. ok so my boyfriend is in New Mexico at the moment and i hate being away from him and we talk every night but he always wants me to come up with the topics. I HAVE RAN OUT OF THINGS. but he gets mad at me when i dont have anything and we just ended ...
A. 22 May 2011: That's because he's in New Mexico. You know what happens there? Nothing, not since the last nuclear test. So naturally the conversation consists mostly of stuff you have to say, and it's easy to run out.
Start talking about dreams and ambition... (read in full...)
Would you rather like someone too much, or have them like you too much?
Q. A hypothetical question: Would you rather date someone who you really liked but they weren't so into you? Or someone who you weren't really into but they really liked you? This is a real life situation I'm in right now, so thanks so much fo...
A. 22 May 2011: @ Anon - I said, twice, that ideally both people love each other roughly the same amount. When did I ever say that ideally (take note of that word) the focus should be on the man? The question was specifically about a situation where one side ... (read in full...)
After 2.5 years I still don't enjoy sex!
Q. hi im 20 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 an a half years. we have been having sex for about a year an a half an we were both virgins before that. we have sex once or twice a week but i just dont really enjoy it. i pretend to enjoy it which i...
A. 22 May 2011: What's wrong with you is nothing innate or biological, most likely. You're just not experimenting and being open. Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that you want to experiment, to find the stuff that works best for you. Don't be embarassed, just... (read in full...)
Would I get more attention from boys if I let my grades slip down to C and Ds?
Q. Do some boys feel intimidated if a girl gets very high marks at school? It seems to me that the girls who get so much more attention from boys do not get as good grades? Or am I wrong here? Should I try to slacken off a bit at school? One of the ...
A. 21 May 2011: I've never met a guy who was intimidated by smart women. I'm sure they exist, but they aren't common. Besides, it's not as if they keep track of your test scores. Also, keep the long hair. Longer the better. Look at the girls getting more... (read in full...)
Theres a pic of my breasts on everybodys phone
Q. ok, so i was with this one guy, lets call him bob, and i dumped him...the night that i dumped bob, i was texting an older guy, (fred)..and i sent him a picture of my tits...two days later i started dating a different guy,(george) and i'm still with ...
A. 20 May 2011: Speak to a lawyer before you decide to talk to the police. *You* could get charged for distributing kiddie porn of *yourself*.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,510862,00.html
http://www.az... (read in full...)
Needing a man's advice on texting!
Q. Okay, so I'm 23 and me and my man have not been together long- but we but be became serious pretty quickly... I never like texting much... Well we don't get to see eachother as much as we'd like bc I'm a mother and can't always get a sitter... When ...
A. 20 May 2011: It's a little different for every guy, but it's never all one way or the other. A good rule of thumb is to respond promptly whenever he texts you, and to send a random "thinking of you" or other thoughtful message if you haven't heard from him in ... (read in full...)
Social behavior after sex...
Q. So I have no experience at all with women and I am just curious about the following couple of situations: How do you behave just after having sex with someone you care? How do you behave just after having sex with someone you don't care (as ...
A. 20 May 2011: After sex without someone I care about? Lie back and let her cuddle up against me, put my arm around her, and enjoy the moment. Usually she wants to talk, but I'm too out of it to say much of anything, so I just do my best to listen. Morning ... (read in full...)
Divorced Parents & Graduation: Advice please?
Q. Hey all, I have a bit of a family dilemma.. It is my graduation in September and my parents are both to attend, but I would also like my grandparents (dads parents) there too as I am very close to them. My mum is not happy with this as there is...
A. 20 May 2011: First off, tell them to suck it up - graduation is about celebrating your accomplishments, and both sides of the family should be able to focus on how proud of you they are. No reason to let anyone be a drama queen. Remind them that if it was ... (read in full...)
Would you rather like someone too much, or have them like you too much?
Q. A hypothetical question: Would you rather date someone who you really liked but they weren't so into you? Or someone who you weren't really into but they really liked you? This is a real life situation I'm in right now, so thanks so much fo...
A. 20 May 2011: Neither situation is ideal, obviously, but if I had to choose?
I'd pick the latter option. As a guy, staying a bit aloof is important for relationships anyway - women seem to be happier when they're working for the attention of a great guy, who... (read in full...)
My friend says hurtful things
Q. It would be amazing to get some insight from other people... I am feeling terrible about myself, but I am profoundly hurt by some of the things that my friend said to me, and I feel misunderstood. I'm not exactly sure what to ask. I could us...
A. 19 May 2011: You had a fight, at the same time as losing a cat. It's a one-two punch to your emotions, and it's making you blow this out of proportion. Take a few deep breaths. Your friend may have intended to simply point out something he saw, which he be... (read in full...)
Friends and drinking?
Q. This may seem like an odd problem but...no matter how much I drink I just cannot get drunk! I started university last year and before that thanks to the friends I had and a fairly strict upbringing I'd never really drank alcohol in large amounts. My ...
A. 19 May 2011: First off, find a drink you can enjoy for the taste. Then just sip it slowly, be a social drinker. You may get lucky and find something that affects you more (for instance, whiskey and vodka have the same alcohol content, but whiskey gets you more ... (read in full...)
Is Pornography cheating?
Q. The age old question on this site seems to be "is pornography use cheating?" My response to that first depends on how you define cheating. A relationship is basically a sexual contract, an agreement between two (sometimes more) people. These people ...
A. 16 May 2011: @ Anon (same one as before) - If I'm not being clear, I apologize. If the last class you were in was 30 years ago, there's certainly at least a generational gap. Maybe a cultural one, if you aren't American. I'll explain.
1) The "social ... (read in full...)
Is Pornography cheating?
Q. The age old question on this site seems to be "is pornography use cheating?" My response to that first depends on how you define cheating. A relationship is basically a sexual contract, an agreement between two (sometimes more) people. These people ...
A. 15 May 2011: Hmmph. I step away for one week on vacation, and Godwin's Law of relationships (mentioning rape) seems to have already taken effect: the last side of an argument to mention rape wins. Oh well, still a fun debate.
@ Eyewideopen - Margins are from... (read in full...)
Is Pornography cheating?
Q. The age old question on this site seems to be "is pornography use cheating?" My response to that first depends on how you define cheating. A relationship is basically a sexual contract, an agreement between two (sometimes more) people. These people ...
A. 10 May 2011: @ Anon
I think what JMTMJ meant was that women do want their men to act like the studs in romance movies, or the long-suffering men who wait forever while women play around in Sex and the City. That sort of thing. I'm having a hard time seeing h... (read in full...)
Is Pornography cheating?
Q. The age old question on this site seems to be "is pornography use cheating?" My response to that first depends on how you define cheating. A relationship is basically a sexual contract, an agreement between two (sometimes more) people. These people ...
A. 6 May 2011: Had a thought just now. This example is probably too specific to apply as a general rule, but I hope it might push the discussion more towards some kind of consensus.
Given that mutual sexual satisfaction is a vital part of any relation... (read in full...)
Does grammar matter when people communicate today? Or is it a lost cause? What's your pet grammar issue?
Q. First off I will admit it: sometimes I mis-spell words. And another thing, sometimes when I'm in a hurry I abbreviate some words. And when I was at University I used to have the best set of abbreviations in Contract Law. If I needed to refer to ...
A. 5 May 2011: Punctuation is easy enough; given a few tries, most people can figure out what the marks all mean. There is one exception: the semicolon. Almost never gets used, but I think that's because it's harder to link to type of verbal pause. Messes ... (read in full...)
Is Pornography cheating?
Q. The age old question on this site seems to be "is pornography use cheating?" My response to that first depends on how you define cheating. A relationship is basically a sexual contract, an agreement between two (sometimes more) people. These people ...
A. 4 May 2011: Just would like to point out that, to the brain and body, the response to masturbation (with or without porn) and to sex is *not* the same. In men, sperm count is significantly higher during actual intercourse than it is during masturbation. Maybe ... (read in full...)
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