| Latest articles: I'm a thoroughly modern brand of old-fashioned
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12 August 2016: I was particularly amused by a recent comment about my views. I was described as living in “the 1950s,” which I found highly amusing. But when I’d had my chuckle, I got to thinking: what would it be like to be stuck in the 50s? How does the ...
I hate cheating, but not as much as a failure to forgive
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
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23 August 2015: IT’s been the story that hasn’t gone away all week. Ashley Madison sent journalists in to a spin trying to access the 9.7 gb of data leaked on to the internet, trying to find any public figures who may be embroiled in the scandal. Suspicious spouses ...
Childless by choice: please stop judging us
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
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6 July 2015: This morning, as usual, I was perusing the questions on Dearcupid, when I stumbled across a question from a woman regarding her feelings about not wanting a child. Although I gave a comprehensive answer to the question, it touched a nerve with me, ...
On-line dating: my honest look
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12 January 2014: On-line dating: my honest look Those who read my column with any regularity will know there is considerable absence of references to my personal life. I am, for the most part, keen to concentrate on advising because, good advice is good no matte...
Revenge is sweet: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that.
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9 March 2013: REVENGE IS SWEET: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that. Revenge, they say, is sweet. Well British people have, if they have been following the news, witnessed a very public case in point to prove that the reverse can ...
Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies
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6 January 2013: Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies You may or may not know that in Ireland, the date of 6 January is known as Women’s Christmas (Nollaig na mBan). On this day, the tradition (still strong in parts of the country) is that men take responsibil...
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I am married with 3 kids and secretly sleeping with men
Q. Hello. I am a 34 year old married man, i have 3 wonderful children, and a wife who loves me very much, the only problem is that I have been secretly sleeping with other men, I do feel guilty about it, but I feel so free and happy when I am with ...
A. 30 December 2014: Cheating is, of course, cheating. The trouble is that when some-one is in denial about their sexuality, they compartmentalise their life to such a degree that they completely separate their heterosexual mask, and their gay identity. They see their ... (read in full...)
Is my desire to be bitten weird?
Q. hello everyone i wold like to thank anyone in advance if you answer this question, i has been bothering me for sometime now. my question is, is it weird that i like to be bitten? now let me fully explain. when my husband and i are lets s...
A. 29 December 2014: Fetishes generally are weird except to the people who have them. They’re not rational, they are very random, and if some-one doesn’t have the same fetish it can seem weird that some-one else would like something so unconventional. I would find the ... (read in full...)
Is he subconsciously trying to impregnate me?
Q. My partner and I had a pregnancy "scare" for want of a better term!!! We decided that we were ready to start trying for a baby in a few months so I have come off birth control pills since last week. We agreed that we would not try and not prevent ...
A. 29 December 2014: Men aren’t that complicated. He wants to have sex, that’s it. Perhaps he’s happy that what will be will be in terms of when you get pregnant, but he’s not trying to do anything subconsciously. He wants sex and is presumably content that pregnancy ... (read in full...)
Do men wish their women looked like porn stars?
Q. A question for men . Do men secretly wish their wives looked like porn Stars ? Not be actual porn actresses - just look like them ? ...
A. 29 December 2014: I doubt it. Presumably people pick partners they find attractive: why would anyone pick some-one whilst wishing they looked like some-one else altogether? Some men may like the type of look typical of a porn star but I always find these kind of ... (read in full...)
I am worried about upcoming annual reviews at work.
Q. Dear all, I'm a recent grad who began my new office job in July and I'm very overwhelmed. I'd truly appreciate your advice. I work in a freight forwarder for a major ocean exporter. My job is mainly to discuss rates with carriers and review c...
A. 29 December 2014: I think the previous poster has given you excellent advice here. You need to emphasise that things have changed, that your previous enjoyment of the job is dwindling and that the workload is having an unacceptable impact on your quality of life, and ... (read in full...)
Will my friends want advice on boys from an ex-christian?
Q. I used to be quite the devoted christian girl; at high school I was even the leader of certain girl-focused cell groups were I'd encourage girls about valueing themselves by waiting till marriage to have sex. And now, a year later and at university, ...
A. 29 December 2014: This is interesting because I think what’s happened here is that you have so completely rejected your previous religious beliefs, that you can’t see how that doesn’t necessarily mean completely rejecting the views and values that you held, which ... (read in full...)
I think my husband is financially abusing me, please advise
Q. I think my husband is financially abusing me, he is in a different country at the moment staying with his family. He has told me he has not got my savings back which he gave to a family member to invest in some company. I told him not to send the...
A. 29 December 2014: I very rarely say this: we’re all about helping people protect their relationships on this site, but sometimes you’ve got to acknowledge that not everything can be fixed. Get yourself out of this marriage. Is he financially abusing you? Absolutely. ... (read in full...)
Why can't I just end all ties with my ex?
Q. Dear Cupid,I am still in love with my daughter's father even though went up and down in are relationship We broke up many times because of pass issues such as cheating it was on both of us but we always wind us be back together.Everybody has flaws ...
A. 29 December 2014: You’ve answered your own question: you can’t break all ties because you have a daughter. You could, however, keep your distance, not contact or arrange to see each other. Why do you not break those unnecessary ties? You’ve answered your own ... (read in full...)
I think she's perfect for me but she wants to be friends for now
Q. I met this girl at work. Started talking to her I never thought we would like each other I was just making friends... in a short period of time (around 5 6 weeks) I ended up liking her. Alot. I never mentioned to or tried to it just happened. We ...
A. 24 December 2014: It sounds like she’s a bit confused herself. Maybe she likes you, but for some reason she doesn’t feel able to take the plunge and give dating a try. Perhaps this is because of previous relationships, perhaps she’s fresh from a break up, perhaps she ... (read in full...)
Tired of being judged for being a single mum
Q. I am 46 and am regularly told I look 36 and am 'beautiful'. I don't wear much make up and wear pretty plain clothes and I've never been one to use what I look like to get any advantage - most of the time I'm pretty oblivious to it, but I'm also, ...
A. 24 December 2014: Season’s greetings. I read all of this post and to be honest I don’t get it. What I read were several accounts of people being surprised by the age of your daughter, and it seems like this is because you look young for your age. Isn’t that a ... (read in full...)
Why is he dragging a decision out for so long?
Q. Hello , why would a guy take as long as up to 3 month to decide if he wants to go out with someone ? Any ideas a friend has been single for nearly a year and wants a relationship he's met someone he likes but won't commit as such because he says ...
A. 14 December 2014: What you’ve said to your friend is true, the clock is ticking and who knows when she’ll just decide enough’s enough and give up on him. Perhaps your friend is thinking too far ahead. He’s thinking that if he says yes, he’s signing up to a long-term ... (read in full...)
I am married with a child but oh so lonely!
Q. I am so stressed and confused.. I don't even know where to start. My husband works 11 hours a day but has one day off a week. We have a 14 month old son who I am a stay at home mum for. Lately, my husband and I can't seem to agree on anything. He ...
A. 14 December 2014: The issue here is compromise. To his credit, your husband is working extremely long hours and I think you first need to acknowledge how hard this is for him, and how much of a sacrifice: he’s missing out on a lot of time with you and his son to make ... (read in full...)
I'm too scared to ask her her boundaries. Should I be so hesitant to ask?
Q. Okay, so my girlfriend and I have been dating for a while, and me and her both really love each other. She's chosen abstinence, and we've made out a couple times, and she's given me a handjob, and I've fondled her breasts, and that's as far as we've ...
A. 30 November 2014: It’s very refreshing to read of a couple not rushing in to bed, and being so respectful of each other’s boundaries.
Perhaps next time you do kiss or get intimate, you should start by telling her again that you respect her boundaries and don’t want... (read in full...)
My wife won't have sex with me anymore and won't tell me why not
Q. I think the title says it all. We have been married for 7 years, together for 10 years, and the sex went from twice a night (which is normal in a honeymoon phase) to never over the course of 2 years. Over the last 5 years we have not had se...
A. 23 November 2014: I hate to say it, but I wonder if, when she says she can’t tell you why, what she actually means is that she can’t pluck up the courage to say she’s not in love with you. Perhaps this is because she does care for you, and even love you, and is ... (read in full...)
What word choice can I use while talking to my son about his father without really saying what my heart should say?
Q. Dear Cupid, I need some advice on my son's relationship with his father this man has never ever been in his life now that he is grown he still dont have much of a relationship with his son.How do I bring up the conversation with my son about his ...
A. 23 November 2014: I think you’re taking on all the responsibility for trying to convey this to your son, and that seems unfair. You said you still have contact with your son’s father, so I’d put the ball back in to his court. Why do you need to have any kind of ... (read in full...)
Is the sex that important?
Q. I am 44 years old and my boyfriend of 2 months is 59 and is divorced with 2 children of 27 and 25 and last week my sister turned up at my house saying that she has left her husband and told me that she has been put on anti depressents by her doctor ...
A. 8 November 2014: Why are you asking if sex is important? There is a clear expectation from both of you in this relationship, that at some point you are going to have sex together. Presumably, this is something you both want to happen, so yes it’s important. Did his ... (read in full...)
I want love and affection but I also don't want to get hurt!
Q. Simple question how can i tell if a guy is interested and want to get to know me or just wants to hit and run i understand that i have a hard time letting other people in because of a previous relationship which has caused me to put up a wall but ...
A. 6 November 2014: Everyone would want to prevent getting hurt. Unfortunately, to break down your walls and let some-one in, you’ve got to take the risk that they might hurt you. You can’t prevent uncertainty in life, or guarantee people are what you think they are at ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend went away on a trip and I am upset it was not a long, romantic good bye like I expected.
Q. My boyfriend went away with his family for a couple of weeks on a holiday. Before he left, he kissed me on the lips. That was it. We talked for 45 minutes first. He was joking and playful with me. Generally seemed happy to be with me. He kissed me...
A. 21 October 2014: You are very much overreacting. Many people would feel uncomfortable taking part in a protracted display of affection in public, and to be honest many of us aren’t wildly keen to watch them either. You said that all he did was kiss you on the lips, ... (read in full...)
Should I accept a fixed term contract if I'm offered it?
Q. Hi, I am trying to stand on my own two feet financially after a very bad break up with an abusive ex partner. I have worked at a university on 2 temporary contracts with different departments (yearly contracts, but limited hours/not enough...
A. 21 October 2014: Fixed contracts are all the rage now especially in the public sector (I can’t speak for other countries but like you I am based in the UK). I think it’s a solution to only having certainty about funding in the short-term. I started on a fixed ... (read in full...)
Can soul mates find each other at such a young age?
Q. Hi there people, I was just wondering is it possible to meet your soul mate in school. I have been with my boyfriend 7 years (since we were 15). We have an amazing relationship i really couldnt complain. We both have good career paths hes a proje...
A. 21 October 2014: I’m afraid people can be narrow-minded sometimes and assume their path to happiness is the path everyone should take. Perhaps for them, it did take having sex with a few people, or a few bad breakups for them to figure out what they wanted, how they ... (read in full...)
Have I ruined my life as a result of having an affair with a married man at a vulnerable time in my life.
Q. For a period of time from 2011-2013, I had an affair with a married man. I make no excuses for my behavior, which was terrible, but I had earlier that year been assaulted, had gotten out of a long-term relationship, and my self-esteem was at all t...
A. 20 October 2014: Show me the person who never has made a mistake. Yes, you did a terrible thing, and this man left you hurt and shattered. You have been punished enough. You have, through this painful episode in your life, learned the importance of trust and love: ... (read in full...)
Do I accept the offer from my ex? Or continue to put up with my Bf ?
Q. Hi, I will try and keep things factual! I have a bf who I have been seeing for 4 years, we don't live together but there is a strong feeling of love between us. He tried to move in last year but I stopped him because I wasn't ready. partly because ...
A. 20 October 2014: You don’t have any romantic feelings for your ex anymore and all your reasons for taking him back seem to revolve around security, or your children, who are grown up now. It’s a bad idea to stay together for the sake of the kids when they actually ... (read in full...)
My wife's libido is low after having our baby
Q. I am sorry if this is an old issue - I have looked over previous thread but everyone is unique eh? Two years ago I married my wife who is considered by all who meet her, male and female, to be a particularly attractive and 'sexy' woman. Las...
A. 20 October 2014: What are you doing wrong? Probably one of the biggest problems in your sex life is the fact that you seem intent on blaming yourself for this. You should be kinder to yourself. The reality of having a baby, is that amazing as they are, they’re ... (read in full...)
Can dating profiles be cloned over multiple sites or is my boyfriend lying?
Q. Hi all, So I have been going out with my boyfriend for 18 months and we met on a dating site. 2 months into our relationship I found he was still logging in to pof the site we met on and my only dating site I joined. He said that can't be right he...
A. 19 October 2014: Even if it could happen, what about the iMessages on the iPad?
Did some-one make all those up too?
I’m afraid his story is simply implausible. Supposing some-one was actually doing this, wouldn’t he have seen the emails confirming his registra... (read in full...)
Enjoyed our first date together.Is it too much to send her a card wishing her well?
Q. Just a quick one. Went out with someone (first date if you will), and had planned to meet up again soon. She's since postponed this, I think she has a lot on with work - stress etc. Is it too much to send her a card wishing her well? Have sort ...
A. 18 October 2014: It’s a nice thought but it could be seen as a little pushy or too keen at such an early stage. Instead, leave it a few days, then call or text her again (calling is better if you can). Ask her how she is and tell her you hope all is well, tell her ... (read in full...)
Is it ok for me to send this message to a guy I like? In the closet now, but should I just come out to him?
Q. "Hey decided to just be honest. I’m not gay but I am bi, and I kinda want to ^^^ you off. It doesn’t make you gay to let a guy ^^^ you off, like i said i’ve had friends it happened to and they honestly couldn’t tell the difference. I’d be 100% dis...
A. 18 October 2014: I don’t really understand who this person is: a friend? Some-one you met on-line?
Is this the message you want to send him? I assume so from the title, and my suggestion is that you don’t. If this is a close friend, making a move like that on him ... (read in full...)
What can I do considering it seems that I am in another abusive relationship and pregnant too?
Q. I am so depressed and need some help/advice... I am 22 on Thursday. I have two kids (3 and 5) and I am 23 weeks with my third. I have messed up my life up so much... I was with a "man" for 5 years and he physically and emotionally abuse...
A. 18 October 2014: You mentioned your Mum in your post. Can you not stay with her? Can she not help you, and support you to get out of this relationship? You say there is nothing you can do, but that’s not true because you can walk away. You can find out what support ... (read in full...)
Was it strange that my Bf's Ex was checking me out on FB and discovered that I'd blocked her? Then she rang my Bf to ask why I did that?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. We have had a couple of discussions about his ex. She is gorgeous (I thought she was pretty but reasonably average but his friends and him seem to think she's the hottest thing in the world). I ha...
A. 18 October 2014: You say it was a strange response from her, but the strange element to this story is your obsessive behaviour, continually looking at her profile and pictures. Why? IT probably seemed a strange thing to her for you to block her, but whether you ... (read in full...)
How can I introduce the idea to my wife, that I'd like to try a threesome, but with an extra guy, not an extra girl?
Q. My wife wants to have a threesome with another woman, she said it really turns her on just thinking about it, but I want to have a threesome involving another guy. I don't know how to bring it up. I'm really wanting to make it happen but I don't ...
A. 13 October 2014: So you essentially want completely different things. Tell her however you like, you’ll only be introducing a huge divide in to your relationship. Fantasies are best kept as fantasies and both of you should focus on enjoying each other and finding ... (read in full...)
Have I overstepped the mark with my FWB ?
Q. Ok so yesterday I had sex with one of my friends (we have a kind of FWB thing going on). Afterwards we were chatting and I happened to mention that I had told my mum that I was revising at his house and that it was looking kind of suspicio...
A. 12 October 2014: Everyone makes the mistake of thinking that the boundaries are clear with FWB arrangements. They’re not. There is a clear line between a platonic, and sexual relationship, but trying to mix them in this way rarely works. One starts to fall for the ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend says he's not sexually attracted to me because I put to much pressure on him
Q. I'm 23 and my bf who is 27 won't have sex or even make out with me. we were both each other's first, and we've been going out for almost 2 1/2 years. The few times that we have "had sex" were only mins long because something would interrupt us and ...
A. 12 October 2014: I would have thought he’d want to try again if you were interrupted. Firstly, try to make sure nothing can interrupt you: switch your phones off, be somewhere private, and actually make sure time has been set aside for it. I wonder if he feels like ... (read in full...)
It's taken me four years, a nearly broken engagement, and me making out with another guy to realize that I want to give my fiance his ultimate fantasy: two girls giving him a blow job at the same time
Q. First, a little background that could help with any advice givings. I ask that no one judges my actions as I already know that I screwed up and believe me, I am working hard to better everything again. My fiance has only ever been with one woman ...
A. 12 October 2014: I can’t believe you are being quite so ridiculous, immature and utterly deluded. You ask not to be judged, and I don’t say harsh things like that routinely, but I can hardly believe what I’m reading. I think you need to be judged and have a few home ... (read in full...)
Should I ask my G/f about why she had her phone set to private?
Q. Hi. I probably shouldn't read too much into this but me and my girlfriend took a short break. We didn't see eachother, call or txt for 5 days. I dropped of a card and candy on her doorstep and she txted me back with appreciation and telling me she ...
A. 12 October 2014: She’s obviously not trying to hide her number from you, otherwise she wouldn’t have texted you. Perhaps she didn’t call from her phone but some-one else’s, for example a work mobile. Or she used her personal phone to call some-one who she didn’t ... (read in full...)
I'm considering running away and getting pregnant to get away from my controlling family! They treat me like a child!
Q. Am a 17 year old girl,i sudenly fell in love with a 20 year old guy,we,ve been so inlove bt the problem is my famile treat me like 10 year old ,they lock the gate at 18:00 i cannot even text my bf to tel him that i cannot meet up with him because i ...
A. 9 October 2014: I’m sorry but I struggled to believe what I was reading. Here’s some-one wanting to be treated like an adult, who thinks that running away with some-one they’re just dating, with I assume no job and no money is a good idea, and that bringing a child ... (read in full...)
I want to be a better boyfriend and be able to trust her again, how do I do that?
Q. (Sorry for the length but I have to vent)... Me and my gf have been dating since we were 16, she was absolutely perfect, beautiful smart funny. Everything I've ever wanted! I've had girlfriends before but never as serious as her. She was very hes...
A. 8 October 2014: What should you do? You won’t like my answer, but I think you’re asking completely the wrong question. What you should be doing is breaking up with her and seeing this woman for what she is: some-one who, for 5 years, has taken advantage of your ... (read in full...)
Seeing my ex has brought up all these feelings of being an oddity, help?
Q. Its probably a bad idea to ask for advice on this subject but I'll give it a go. I know its silly but I would like some opinions. I am going to be 18 in a couple of months and about 3 weeks a go something really weird ha...
A. 7 October 2014: You are without doubt very intelligent. Your writing and the contributions you make to this site, without wishing to sound patronising, have a mature character that people significantly older than you would struggle to find. Make no mistake: being ... (read in full...)
So many lies. Can I continue to believe the things my boyfriend alleges are true?
Q. My boyfriend was madly in love with his last girlfriend. I heard all about her in the beginning when we started to date. It seems she broke it off with him and he was having a hard time adjusting to that fact, telling me he didn't know if he wo...
A. 6 October 2014: Good heavens! I can’t believe you didn’t see the glaring red flags right from the beginning. He spent so much time talking about his ex and how he might never get over her when he was supposed to be dating you? Then he lurches from suddenly being ... (read in full...)
Should I tell my friend that I kissed her brother?
Q. I've liked this guy for a few years now but last year he admitted that he liked me and we made out, nothing more. We texted a lot but that faded away. Since then I have become good friends with his sister and now view him a bit more as 'my frie...
A. 6 October 2014: You should tell your friend because this is the second time so there is obviously something between you and her brother, even if it is just chemistry and a casual thing. If it were part of the dim and distant past, and neither of you wanted her to ... (read in full...)
Engaged for a year. Yet he's rarely in the mood for sex. Has our relationship run it's course?
Q. I have been engaged to my man for almost a year. We dont go out anymore and sex that only happens when i throw a fit. He always says his back hurts but when it's work he is out the door no problem. So all im good for is to wash his clothes and...
A. 6 October 2014: Is this actually a question? What do you want help with? You certainly shouldn’t be getting married if you feel that resentful towards him, perhaps you aren’t compatible. If you actually do want to work at this, it’ll require give and take on both ... (read in full...)
Are there really any gay guys out there who aren't expecting perfection?
Q. So I'm a 19 year old, college, gay guy. And I just feel so behind. I've never been in a relationship in my life. I've never even kissed a guy before and I just feel really lame about it. I feel like everyone's lives are moving forward while ...
A. 6 October 2014: A good relationship starts from a great friendship indeed, you’ve quoted one of my catchphrases that I find myself using all the time to people just like you, who have such a negative view of themselves and their chances of finding a meaningful ... (read in full...)
Is it really my call to pull my alcoholic boyfriend out of rehab?
Q. I need some help and guidance here because I don't know what i am doing or if im doing the right thing anymore. Right ---- so my boyfriend of six months has entered a rehab program for alcohol addiction and due to problems inside there (some guy ...
A. 6 October 2014: You are absolutely right that if you allow him to leave rehab, put him up and put money in his pocket, he’ll go straight back to drink, because he’s learned that he will always be shielded from rock bottom by others. You’d be enabling him to carry ... (read in full...)
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