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... Send *arshbutfair a private message | | | *arshbutfair's profile:Some people are going to hate what I say. But sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
"Most people live lives of quiet desperation"
My advice is always intended to be harsh, but fair and helpful. I hope you enjoy and that it raises the occasional smile. Now get the hell out of my face. Choose life. |
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My wife is overweight and I don't feel attracted to her anymore
Q. I'm married for 13 years. My wife and I have an 8 year old child. I feel like I'm trapped because I no longer find my wife attractive. The main problem is her weight. She weighs more than I do (83kg). She's packed on the weight ever since the c...
A. 20 February 2008: This is a sad situation and no doubt you'll get people who are quick to criticise you.
The problem with sexual attraction, as you've found, is that the conscious mind has very little control over what turns you on. You can love your wife and admi... (read in full...)
We argue because he buys a paper with 18 year old topless girls. Got opinions?
Q. Need your opinion!! Just found out my boyfriend who is 34, reads the Sun newspaper daily. He says he doesn't buy it for the page 3 girls but has admitted to having a look and reading the sleazy Deadries casebook. I feel very upset by this as I fin...
A. 6 February 2008: Ironic that the women hating on here isn't being done by misogynstic men whose views have been warped by all those bare breasts they've been looking at, but by bitter, insecure women!... (read in full...)
We argue because he buys a paper with 18 year old topless girls. Got opinions?
Q. Need your opinion!! Just found out my boyfriend who is 34, reads the Sun newspaper daily. He says he doesn't buy it for the page 3 girls but has admitted to having a look and reading the sleazy Deadries casebook. I feel very upset by this as I fin...
A. 5 February 2008: What some chicks don't understand when they say "well what if your girlfriend ogled nude men every single day", is that 99.9% of men wouldn't care! Let them get on with it! We've got better things to worry about. Like cars, baldness, politics, ... (read in full...)
We argue because he buys a paper with 18 year old topless girls. Got opinions?
Q. Need your opinion!! Just found out my boyfriend who is 34, reads the Sun newspaper daily. He says he doesn't buy it for the page 3 girls but has admitted to having a look and reading the sleazy Deadries casebook. I feel very upset by this as I fin...
A. 4 February 2008: You are being super unfair on your boyfriend. The Sun is the biggest selling paper in the UK and their page 3 "stunnas" are a national institution.
If you think that page 3 of The Sun is degrading to women, then you have a pretty curious idea of ... (read in full...)
I watch gay porn, is this normal?
Q. Is it normal to watch gay porn because i get more turned on by gay porn than straight porn am i gay...
A. 4 February 2008: If you watch gay porn and get turned on by gay porn, then you're gay. You could choose to date women and even get married (lots of gay guys do and it usuall ends in tears) but at heart you'd still be gay because you're sexually attracted to men.... (read in full...)
I feel as if I'm being denied close physical contact. Any suggestions?
Q. My girlfriend and I have been dating for approx. 8 months. I go to college, and she remains near her home town, splitting an apartment. Although emotionally we have developed a great deal, and we get along great, physically, she might be classif...
A. 16 December 2007: This is tough. I've written before (many times) about two types of people. Sex people. And NO sex people. Some people for whatever reason just aren't into sex. It may be that you've stumbled across one. If you're into it, and she isn't, then the ... (read in full...)
My expectations are too high because I look at porn and beauty magazines. How to abandon the idea of "perfect woman" ?
Q. Im addicted with the perfect woman! I look at porn on the net and in mags, and all these women are made to look better that they actually are, so wen i go looking for a girl, i guess my expectations are too high. Im not the most attractive looking ...
A. 14 December 2007: Congratulations on realising that you have a problem.
Now you can take action. You need to give up porn.
There is a good website at http://www.no-porn.com that may be able to help. Try and figure out the situations when you're drawn to porn (t... (read in full...)
Should I have let my older boyfriend fondle me? It made me unconfortable, but was I just being childish?
Q. I'm a female. I have a boyfriend called Ricky (not real name)he is 24 and i am 16 (i know big age gap but he and i get along really good). We ain't made out yet but he wants to. I went to rick's house when his parents were out somewhere and we did...
A. 11 December 2007: The problem is that you are dating a guy who is older and who is sexually active. Of course he will expect a sexual relationship.
I question why he is dating such a young girl? Have you asked yourself that? Are there no women his own age he could... (read in full...)
Can a gay/bisexual man have a committed relationship with a women while still looking at gay porn??
Q. Ok this is a very big problem. I've been having. I moved in with my boyfriend 7 months ago. We've known each other for over a year now. We've not kissed yet, we're in seperate bedrooms and frankly I'm getting tired of it. He tells me he's scared b...
A. 5 December 2007: You call him your boyfriend but you've never been physical? Not so much as a kiss? You've never made love, done the nasty, consumated this relationship?
Something is seriously wrong here. From what you say, he is probably gay. But you need to ... (read in full...)
Have I sacrificed too much, too soon?
Q. In August of this year I moved to the USA from Great Britain to marry the man I loved. We were wed only 5 weeks ago however I had serious doubts even before the wedding but felt I could not back out as my family had all paid for their trips over and ...
A. 29 November 2007: I think you should quit now, while it is still early. There is no harm in admitting you screwed up. It makes you human. You have married the wrong person. It happens.
It would be helpful to know more about how you met and courted, to under... (read in full...)
Is it gay to watch gay porn?
Q. is it gay to watch gay porn...
A. 29 November 2007: Yes.... (read in full...)
Will wearing a bra 24/7 stunt my growth?
Q. i ALWAYS wear a bra. Even in bed. Underwired and padded. Will this stop my growth? Thanks...
A. 29 November 2007: WHY do you wear it to bed?
It is probably not healthy to wear your bra to 24/7 or to bed. Why not just play safe, be more comfortable and just take it off.
(Personally I sleep "porno".)... (read in full...)
My first time and I can't keep it up. What's wrong?
Q. I have recently encountered an embarrassing problem. Last night, I lost my virginity. I was ready, so I don't regret my decision at all. Thing is, I had a REALLY hard time maintaining an erection. Honestly, I don't know how we managed it since I was ...
A. 14 November 2007: I wrote this in answer to another question but it applies equally here
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-keep-losing-my-erection-mix-sex-why.html
It's unlikely to be a physical problem, but if you're worried you can get a health check to ... (read in full...)
He's not entirely sure he 'got out' in time. I'm so worried! How reliable is the withdrawal method?
Q. hi, straight to the point here. I had unprotected sex recently, mid cycle. My partner and i were using the withdrawel method, we have done this before, however, afterwards he was feeling a bit panoid, leading me now to be paranoid, he's n...
A. 19 October 2007: You ask how reliable it is?
It's not reliable at all.
It's not a form of contraception. A penis has a mind of its own. It leaks amounts of sement constantly when erect which could cause pregnancy. And as you've discovered it doesn't alway... (read in full...)
Can I believe my horoscope?
Q. Are Star Signs always true? I'm a Pisces, and he's a Virgo. Our Star Signs are incompatible, yet we're crazy for each other. I love everything about him, because he's so different from me. I've found that I've got bored with the people...
A. 9 October 2007: Astrology and the "science" of star signs isn't real. It's something that is made up, to either make money out of you (by going to see an astrologer, phone a chat-line, pay money to an astrology website) or entertain you. It's not a science. It's ... (read in full...)
He has nude pictures of himself on his computer. How do I tackle him about this?
Q. My boyfriend is moving in with me, therefore some of his stuff is already here.... like his computer. Last weekend i borrowed him my camera to take pictures at his job site. Today, I went on his computer to watch a movie and looked in his picture ...
A. 9 October 2007: There is only one reason I can think of that your boyfriend has nude pics of himself. It's not for his benefit because he could look in a mirror.
It's to show or send to someone else.... (read in full...)
Can a man be "raped" by a woman?
Q. I would like to know if it is possible for a man to have sex with a woman against his will?...
A. 9 October 2007: A woman could not have sex with a man without his consent.. it's so impossible it hurts me to even think about it.
A man can be raped by another MAN (and when you hear about male rape, this is what is being referred to). But a man cannot be "rape... (read in full...)
I've handed in my notice because my lover was also my co-worker... but I love my job and I'm terrified I'll cry on my last day!
Q. i handed in my notice at work last week because i split up with my partner and we work in the same place. i'm working until i'm replaced, which'll probably be 3 or 4 weeks now. thing is, i'm dreading leaving. i love my job. i'm especially dreading ...
A. 3 October 2007: You don't want to leave. Your boss probably doesn't want you to leave (hiring new staff is a nightmare, trust me).
Tomorrow, go to your boss. Explain that you broke up with your partner and acted on emotion. Say that you want to stay on if they ... (read in full...)
I'm 31 and look 15 and I hate it... people tell me it's a blessing but it's not: it's a nightmare!
Q. Hi guys, I have an odd problem. I am 31 and I look about 15 and I hate it. I am having real problems with this. I do not get taken seriously, I always get id wherever I go, even if to but a lottery ticket. I dress well and wear make up and ...
A. 27 September 2007: The problem isn't that you look young. The problem is that you don't like to look young.
Everyone needs a cross to bear. For some people it's their skin, others its their hair, others their lack of confidence, for some men it might be the size of ... (read in full...)
Is love at first sight true? Ready to sacrifice everything to be together, though I'm married and know this person for a month.
Q. I am a 47 year old male with a professional job and have been married for 16 years. About a month ago I met a 39 year old female hispanic woman who speaks some english and we can hold conversations very well at a conference. She is also married for ...
A. 26 September 2007: Sometimes in life you need to take a risk. Sometimes you need to do something dumb, something crazy, something stupid. It's what makes us human and sometimes it's the only way to avoid fading into obscurity.
I say, arrange a dirty weekend away wit... (read in full...)
How likely is it that my parents can find out of my viewing porn over the net though I have deleted the history?
Q. I am 14 years old and I have recently been looking at porn on the internet. I am really worried that this is illegal or that my dad might find out. I know how to delete the history so he can't find out that way but I am still really worried. I'm not ...
A. 19 September 2007: Interesting question. First thing, they may be suspicious why their history has been deleted. Some people use it to find things they looked at. Secondly, porn sites can leave other tracks on your computer. Cached pages and images and cook... (read in full...)
He sent me a text about another woman by accident! I'm gutted.
Q. Hi. im 24 and have been with my boyfriend 2 years. last sat night he had a boys night out. i was at home alone when i got a text message from him saying "she can't be more unreal than you..ha. are you settin me up. ha". He obviously meant to send it ...
A. 17 September 2007: I think you over-reacted, he tried to cover things up because of your over-reaction.
You told him things were over and he took your word for it. If you think you made the wrong call, you need to get in touch and say you didn't mean it and that you... (read in full...)
I keep losing my erection mix-sex... why?
Q. I'm 20 and healthy. I was a virgin before I met my girlfriend. She is not, she had one partner before me, she said he was awful. Now we have had sex four times recently, on the first night I was in the missionary position. Everything was going ok, ...
A. 25 August 2007: What rhythm says about drink/drugs is very true stay off for 2-3 days before you try next time.... (read in full...)
I keep losing my erection mix-sex... why?
Q. I'm 20 and healthy. I was a virgin before I met my girlfriend. She is not, she had one partner before me, she said he was awful. Now we have had sex four times recently, on the first night I was in the missionary position. Everything was going ok, ...
A. 25 August 2007: It's unlikely to be a physical problem, but if you're worried you can get a health check to rule anything out (in very rare cases mostly in older guys it can be a sign of other diseases).
Lots of guys, especially those new to fucking, can take a w... (read in full...)
Is a year too long to wait before I go visit my long-distance girlfriend?
Q. I now have a girlfriend in Ghana and we have been corresponding for about nine months. We have become very close. She is not very wealthy, so I have helped her out a bit. We have tried for her to come over to the UK but was turned down. I think I ...
A. 13 August 2007: This was in the news today:
"Mr Gregor, a sheep farmer, set off to Mali on what he hoped would be an exotic adventure, during which he would not only meet his African bride but pocket a huge dowry in gold."
..
"Mr Gregor was picked up at ... (read in full...)
Is a year too long to wait before I go visit my long-distance girlfriend?
Q. I now have a girlfriend in Ghana and we have been corresponding for about nine months. We have become very close. She is not very wealthy, so I have helped her out a bit. We have tried for her to come over to the UK but was turned down. I think I ...
A. 7 August 2007: If I wanted to get out of the country I would go on a holiday or move abroad. I would not fall for a stranger who I had never met, who lived somewhere I have no idea about and who in all probability wanted to move to England.
If I wanted to meet ... (read in full...)
Totally in love with my girl of one year, except our relationship has a problem... she never (ever) wants sex and we've not yet made love!
Q. Hi I've been with my girlfriend since the start of the year. I love her very much and she's everything I'd ever want in a partner. The only thing I'm unhappy with though, is our sex life (or lack thereof). She told me a long time ago that, before...
A. 7 August 2007: This is a sad situation. It's something I often see asked and I'll quote an answer I wrote to a previous question that gives my core views.
"This will never get resolved if you stay with your wife [partner]. In life there are basically two sexu... (read in full...)
Should I have sex before I'm married?
Q. Okay I need help from all the other Christians!! I have a problem and it is really worrying me. I am a Christian and I really want to wait until I am married to have sex, but, I am worried that I will be tempted. And I want to do the right thing by ...
A. 6 August 2007: Yes, you should.
If you find someone you fall in love with and have the desire to have sex, so long as you do it safely, I see no reason to deny yourself one of life's greatest pleasures!
What if you get married and you're not sexually compati... (read in full...)
Is a year too long to wait before I go visit my long-distance girlfriend?
Q. I now have a girlfriend in Ghana and we have been corresponding for about nine months. We have become very close. She is not very wealthy, so I have helped her out a bit. We have tried for her to come over to the UK but was turned down. I think I ...
A. 5 August 2007: You are bonkers. There are millions of women in the UK, who you could see today in real life, and instead you invent this fantasy with someone who lives halfway round the world who you plan to meet in 2008?
Hello?
Hello?... (read in full...)
Is a year too long to wait before I go visit my long-distance girlfriend?
Q. I now have a girlfriend in Ghana and we have been corresponding for about nine months. We have become very close. She is not very wealthy, so I have helped her out a bit. We have tried for her to come over to the UK but was turned down. I think I ...
A. 13 July 2007: You are being taken to the cleaners... I can't believe that people are STILL sending money to fraudsters in Nigeria.
Let me give you a reality-check.
You won't be her only "boyfriend".
You won't be the only guy who is sending her money.
... (read in full...)
Our mothers have conflicting views on our sex life
Q. A small problem.. my girlfriend and i have been going out for around 6 months and her mum actually wants us to take our relationship further. We are both virgins and we havent explored each others body fully. However my mum doesn't want us to do ...
A. 4 July 2007: The fact that your moms are even involved in this shows you are far too young to have sex...... guys that are old enough to have sex (and age, so long as you're over consent, is really irrelevant) do not discuss with their moms!... (read in full...)
Does DearCupid have a leftist, liberal bias?
Q. hello everyone, over the past month i have seen your site. it is a great site for exploring relationship, sexual or confidence problems. however, i have been skeptical. I have one critism that might be apparent. getting a little off topic, le...
A. 26 June 2007: Since when did non-religous, liberal become "leftist"? And when did the religous assumed the mantle of the right??? Can conservative liberatarians (and there is such a thing) no longer be right-wing?
The founding fathers would give modern A... (read in full...)
Can the DearCupid men elaborate on their views on porn?
Q. Hi, I just read some answers to a question that was posted about porn and some answers from you guys were that men look at porn stars who are completely different for what they go for in real life and it's not a threat at all to their partner. ...
A. 25 June 2007: Regardless of the morals of porn, there is a very pragmatic reason for guys to avoid it: Men who look at porn (regularly) have less sex with real women than those who don't.
It only takes a few minutes to browse some of the many questions from guy... (read in full...)
I'm in a secret relationship with an older man--should I be afraid of the law?
Q. Please help me--I am in a 1 year 7 month secret relationship with a 31 year old man. We love each other to bits. Can he get in trouble with the police if my parents go to the police? And we both want to try for a baby--can he get in trouble ...
A. 23 June 2007: Your age appears to be 16/17.
DV1 should look into UK law before hitting reply so hastily. It is better not to reply than reply inaccurately.
The age of consent here is 16, so you are doing nothing wrong in law, and the law can do nothing to st... (read in full...)
She says she's not ready for anal, but she did it with her ex!
Q. My gf has done anal sex with her ex bf but will not let me. She says she will but is not ready yet ? She clames to love me unconditionaly and has never ever felt about anyone as she feels about me? I really want to do this with her and have tried a ...
A. 22 June 2007: Maybe you should let her fuck you with a strap-on first, to see how uncomfortable and un-natural it is?... (read in full...)
Could I have erectile dysfunction from sitting on a bike saddle too much?
Q. I'm 22 and I'm worried that I might have Erectile Dysfunction. Every now and then my penis just wont keep an erection. This really irritates my girlfriend. I have been spinning everyday for about a year and recently read online "A study in 2002 ...
A. 22 June 2007: I think people forget that a penis, like its owner, will have off days. If you're a tennis player you'll have off days when you can't hit the ball for toffee. Similarly if you're in the game of sex you'll have times when you feel so large and hard ... (read in full...)
Going on a clubbing holiday and gonna get laid... I need some tips!
Q. im going on holiday soon and i am still a virgin. Im going on a clubbing holiday and i really want to have sex. has any1 got any tips?...
A. 15 June 2007: Ah, the biggest myth of the teen lads holiday: that everyone will get laid.
Sadly, just that: a myth.
Some of the good looking guys may get laid.
Some of the confident guys may get laid.
Some people will claim to have got laid even thoug... (read in full...)
My Nan seems to love winding us all up... worried one day I'll say something hurtful!
Q. Ok this is more of a rant so I will apologise now. I just got off the phone with my Nan, my Dad's mum. She seems to love winding us all up. I know she only does it because she cares but I'm scared one day I'll say something hurtful to her. ...
A. 14 June 2007: My Gran is pretty similar and used to be much worse she just puts into words everything that is going on in her head. That includes critisims, naggings, worries and more..
I've learnt that you can't change people you can only change how you perc... (read in full...)
He said that work pressured him to watch the freak sex show, I dont believe him, what do you think ?
Q. if u heard that ur bf says that work has pressured him into going in and watching a freak sex show while being on his company trip, would u believe him that he was pressured and gave in or not? cause i don't, i have never let someone pressure...
A. 14 June 2007: Why do you care so much?... (read in full...)
He gets hard during O but can't keep it up when it comes to full on sex... he cries after each attempt... should I dump him now and get this over with!?
Q. My boyfriend suffers from erectile dysfunction. He becomes erect with oral sex, but as soon as we try the other his erection disappears. He says he wants to do it, and has been to his doctor who has ruled out physical causes, and has referred him to ...
A. 13 June 2007: I assume that you're a gay couple?
A friend of mine has first-hand experience of this in a straight relationship. He found it hard to keep hard when attempting first time sex with a new partner.
He ordered Cialis over the internet (there ... (read in full...)
Guys: is making noises during sex, especially when its our first time sleeping together, sexy?
Q. Stupid question really. Having sex with someone new is always abit weird when its your first time I think. I just wanted to know what people think. Do guys prefer it when we make sex noises or not? x...
A. 18 May 2007: It's bloody ruddy brilliant.
As long as your heart is in it and it's real, go for it. Whimper as he touches you, moan as he enters, scream (quietly, if need be) as you hit orgasm.
I love it when my girl makes noise.... (read in full...)
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