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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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I think she is moving in on my BF. What shall I do?
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I think in a lot of ways we are witnessi... (read in full...)
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I'm beginning to hate her, why does she do this?
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GF went through my messages from before I was with her. She has lost trust and respect for me
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Reason guys visit toilet so often?
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A. 14 April 2011: That's a little weird, but I wouldn't read into it much. There are just too many reasons it could happen.... (read in full...)
I'm not sure what really happened with my email. Any ideas?
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BF fears I will go back to my crush. I dream about my crush a lot. Is BF on to something?
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You may want to spend less time with him (the crush). Your boyfriend's insecurity is partly irration... (read in full...)
Would a man, given the opportunity, cheat if he thought he could get away with it?
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A. 14 April 2011: It all depends on the individual. Some men are horrible untrustworthy liars. Others are thoughtful loyal and honest.
Why may he flirt? To see if he still has it, or maybe get that ego boost. Lots of people in healthy and happy relation... (read in full...)
Recently discovered my BF is looking to hook up with men. I don't know what to do.
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A. 14 April 2011: He's curious, but he's also cheating. He may have realized that women don't do it for him, or that he's bisexual, but that's still no excuse to cheat.
I think you should confront him. Focus on the cheating instead of the sexuality issue.... (read in full...)
I'm angry, confused and hurt at the way my ex is treating me.
Q. I have been on here so many times with my marriage separation, here I am again needing your help, I have two gentlemen who have emailed me, to take me out somehow my ex got a hold of the emails and emailed them back telling them I was not ...
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Maybe, you need to deal wit... (read in full...)
Reason guys visit toilet so often?
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Am I his mystery girl?
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How does a tit wank work?
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A. 11 April 2011: Yeah it works. You'll want some lube though.
You lying on your back holding them together while he strattles you thrusts is usually your best bet.
Him sitting and you kneeling between his legs also works pretty well.
Him on his back... (read in full...)
Do you think this could be the start of the end of our relationship?
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A. 8 April 2011: Nah, he's just grieving and needs some space. He has a lot to deal with. On a side note, he has a 15 year old son? So his son is almost the same age as you. How much older than you is he? That could be playing into this as well. He may vi... (read in full...)
Should I confront my girlfriend on this?
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I have feelings for my best friend's wife. I need advice.
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A. 8 April 2011: I'm going to call you Cyrano because your guidance is the reason this woman fell in love with your friend. Now she's realizing it was you she fell for and you're in an awkward spot. I bet if you saw that play, you'd see many similarities to your ... (read in full...)
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Q. What are the things a man wants to hear during sex? Dirty talk? What is the most turn on? ...
A. 8 April 2011: It depends on the guy. Although pleasured moans are always nice. Dirty talk turns some guys on, others off completely. Sometimes it's all about the mood.... (read in full...)
Am I his mystery girl?
Q. im 18/f hes 19/m i apologize in advance cause its really long but i figured you'll need as much info to help with the situation; The last 4 months i have become really close with a guy i consider my best friend. I know as cliche as it i...
A. 8 April 2011: Hmm, if I had to guess, I'd say yes, you are his mystery girl. Especially with the time you've been spending together, and talking, and generally connecting. I had a crush on a close friend for a long time. I always played out different scenarios ... (read in full...)
We fought over housecleaning and he walked out. How do I make him understand?
Q. Ok, living with my boyfriend is killing me! Lately we have been arguing because he doesn't clean up after himself. I do all the cleaning and I don't mind seen as I don't work as much as him but the guy does nothing and when he eventually does ...
A. 8 April 2011: I used to be the same way. As a kid my mom always cleaned up after me, so I didn't have to do much. It wasn't until I moved out and had roommates that I understood the importance of cleaning up after yourself. I feel your pain. The last time I ... (read in full...)
I can't get over this person even though they have never been free!
Q. Good evening. I've known this person for two years, and they have been TAKEN for three. Since the day I met them, I "fell in love". Usually when this happens, I simply get over it. Alas, not this person. In the months that this person goes back hom...
A. 8 April 2011: I've been in a similar situation in the past. The only thing I've found that helps is time and distance. If you have lots of classes together and such, that makes it worse. My crush was at work. Actually, she still works here, but we're in ... (read in full...)
I am concerned that my GF is cheating on me with a male coworker. What can I do?
Q. Im in a lesbian relationship of 2 and a half yrs. My girlfriend and I have been going through a lot of bs lately. She is my best friend we talk about everything. I havent been able to take her out lately due to financial issues. She has recently got ...
A. 8 April 2011: Her defensiveness is a direct result of her feeling guilty because she knows what she's doing is wrong. She fights you about this because she knows she would hate it if you did the same thing. This behavior is very common of someone who is ... (read in full...)
I told her I used drugs in the past and she broke up with me. How do I get her back?
Q. Just recently I told my girl that I used to smoke marijuana, and because of that she said she doesn't want anything to do with me. She left and said that she can't be with a druggy. I was smoking before I met her and quit because I met her and she ...
A. 8 April 2011: Let her go. She's not ready and has no desire to understand the truth you are speaking. She has made up her mind, so you need to respect that. If you don't want to be thought of as a druggy, then don't be one. Get involved in things, show what ... (read in full...)
My dads porn addiction is hurting our family!
Q. A little back story: My mom and I are very close, so we talk to each other like friends often. Because of that, I know a lot about her and my dad's relationship. My dad has been experiencing some Erectile Dysfunction issues over the past two...
A. 8 April 2011: If you really want to help, find a good family therapist and make an appointment for them. Then bow out. Like Cerberus said, this isn't your place. I know you want to help, but really, this is an issue that you cannot help with. They have to ... (read in full...)
How can I show support when I get a cold shoulder?
Q. My partner is lukewarm...Wont sleep with me and is always tired and moody...I want to show support but when it is given I feel a cold shoulder... Please Help, Sadly Confused...
A. 8 April 2011: There's something else going on and you need to talk about it. Hopefully you can get to the root of the problem. Maybe they are depressed, or going through something difficult. It's hard to say based on the very little you've given us, but ... (read in full...)
Married a month and haven't had sex yet
Q. i got married a month ago me and my partner dint have sexual contact yet..we do foreplay..but before inserting the penis he is loosing his temperement... how to get into mood and stagnant in that and how to keep penis erect for long time.. ...
A. 8 April 2011: With foreplay make sure he doesn't ejaculate (cum). Once he's nice and hard, just go for it. My guess is that he's overly nervous, and that's why he can't keep his penis erect. Do your best to make him comfortable, relaxed, and try to enjoy the ... (read in full...)
Should I Tell Him That I'm Pregnant With His Baby?
Q. Hi everyone. I'm sorry to bother you all but I've got myself into a difficult situation. I'm 17 (18 in 2 months) and I just found out that I'm 29 weeks pregnant. I was really experiencing any symptoms which is why I never found out earlier. The ...
A. 8 April 2011: I also think you should tell him. Just don't expect his reaction to be a good one. Still, he needs to know about his child.... (read in full...)
Do I just ask her out or do I tell her I like her?
Q. alright, well there is this girl at my college and i really like her and i really want to ask her out but there are a few problems 1) we are right in the middle of our exam period and 2) we live in different cities. So my question is i really want ...
A. 8 April 2011: I say just ask her out. Something casual like coffee or lunch. I've found that the longer you wait, the more the deck gets stacked against you. Don't be concerned about the other details, they may get in the way right now, but if she's ... (read in full...)
After 5 years husband confesses addiction to Pornography?
Q. I have been married for 5 yrs. All this time I thoguht my husband was addicted to my body. But,Now my husband tells me that he loves big boobs and that all this time he has been entertained himself with porn videos on Youtube, watching women with ...
A. 8 April 2011: He does love your body, and you are more than just your appearance. It's the whole package that makes you special to him.
Still, this kind of thing is definitely more common than you might think. The thing to know is that what a lot of guys lik... (read in full...)
He turned down a handjob, does that mean I'm not good at it?
Q. The other night I was over at my boyfriend's place but since I was on my period we didn't have sex. We still had a good time, went out for coffee and watched a movie. Later in the night I offered to give him a handjob and he said no. His reason was ...
A. 8 April 2011: I don't particularly like handjobs either. For the reasons stated below, but also a lot of women just don't know how to do them properly and they can actually be painful when done wrong. However, the couple of girls I've been with who actually ... (read in full...)
He seen me in my bikini, got a boner and now he's angry at me!
Q. Ok so the other week I went on holiday to the seaside and another family who are really close. So on the last day I wanted to go swimming but the only other person who wanted to was a boy my age from the other family. So after I got changed into my ...
A. 8 April 2011: Oh man, this brings me back. Everyone is right, and YouWish and k_c100 really nailed this one. The joys of inappropriate boners. Man, I still get them occasionally. Thankfully I have years of practicing hiding them.... (read in full...)
My love has faded. Is this just a phase, or should I call it quits?
Q. i have been with my bf for over a year and i feel as though we have drifted apart i never see him (with the hours he works and what i work, even though we live together). and when we talk it is only really because i come home from work and he has ...
A. 8 April 2011: One question mark is all that's necessary at the end of a sentence.
On to your questions. Is this just a phase? Sort of. As relationships progress they evolve. Feelings change but that doesn't mean that you no longer love the person, it means... (read in full...)
I am concerned that my GF is cheating on me with a male coworker. What can I do?
Q. Im in a lesbian relationship of 2 and a half yrs. My girlfriend and I have been going through a lot of bs lately. She is my best friend we talk about everything. I havent been able to take her out lately due to financial issues. She has recently got ...
A. 8 April 2011: I agree, it sounds like something is up. Just what? Hard to say. Usually your gut instinct is pretty accurate in these situations though. You sense something is wrong, and you need to trust that. If she seems like she's hiding something, she ... (read in full...)
Fallen in love with "Best Bud" and he is leaving. Should I tell him?
Q. i think i am falling for my bestbud.. it's been 2 years.. i started to care more than i should.. i dont want to lose him.. he is showing he cares for me.. jokes that he loves me.. i know he loves someone.. its so hard when what he is showing is ...
A. 8 April 2011: Yes, soon you won't have the chance. I know that I'd want to know... (read in full...)
My ex and I are trying to be friends, but I can't help but wonder what will happen when I leave town and we must say goodbye?
Q. Hey all, I'm struggling to keep my mind off my ex. We were only together for 4 1/2 months, but the relationship was highly significant to me. I loved her very much. After the break up I decided that I didn't want to risk losing her entirely, so...
A. 8 April 2011: Are you mad? A little, but it's understandable. I'm with Eyes, I hope you find the right lady someday and tell us about how happy she makes you. You've got a good heart, but unfortunately that usually means you'll end up hurt. I'm very similar. ... (read in full...)
I am secretly dating my cousin. Now her sister is threatening to tell our family about it unless we have sex with her, too!
Q. Ok, My cousin and I have been dating for close to a year without either of our families knowing or finding out. But just recently, her younger sister came forward to us about knowing about our relationship. She's threatening to tell our respective ...
A. 8 April 2011: Woo Hoo, you've got a chance at a sister sandwich! Live the dream man, live the dream!... (read in full...)
Can I satisfy and get her pregnant with this size?
Q. dear mam i have penis in 5.8" and girth 5.5" is this penis can fully satisfy a women and get pregnancy with this size of penis ?...
A. 8 April 2011: Another day that's now complete...
Go take a sex education class somewhere, read a book, do a search here. For god sake, at your age you shouldn't be asking such questions.... (read in full...)
I'm scaring her by staring at her. What should I tell her?
Q. Today, the girl I love suddenly asked me why do I always look at her and this scares her. She said all her friends have noticed that. Two days ago, I have sent her a goodbye letter and wanted to end our friendship since it is too much for me afte...
A. 8 April 2011: Quit leering like a stalker. You think you love her, but really you love the idea of her. You are making her uncomfortable, so if you really do care about her, you'll stop scaring her.
When you constantly stare at someone, you look VERY cre... (read in full...)
He kills the mood when he asks me how long it is going to take. Should I tell him?
Q. My boyfriend has tried to get me to orgasm a few times. Every time he does, he ends up stopping halfway through the process and asking me how much longer I'm going to be. It frustrates and even offends me to no end because when he says that, it ...
A. 8 April 2011: By talking to him openly about it. He may get a little offended but it's better he knows. You don't have to attack him, and if you address this correctly, he shouldn't be upset. Here's a sample of what I think you should say.
"You know how you ... (read in full...)
My ex and I are trying to be friends, but I can't help but wonder what will happen when I leave town and we must say goodbye?
Q. Hey all, I'm struggling to keep my mind off my ex. We were only together for 4 1/2 months, but the relationship was highly significant to me. I loved her very much. After the break up I decided that I didn't want to risk losing her entirely, so...
A. 7 April 2011: I think you've made your decision, and you know the consequences of what you're dealing with. It will get easier after you move, but you've got a rough couple of months ahead of you. But I definitely can't begrudge you the choice you made. When ... (read in full...)
My ex and I are trying to be friends, but I can't help but wonder what will happen when I leave town and we must say goodbye?
Q. Hey all, I'm struggling to keep my mind off my ex. We were only together for 4 1/2 months, but the relationship was highly significant to me. I loved her very much. After the break up I decided that I didn't want to risk losing her entirely, so...
A. 6 April 2011: That sounds perfectly reasonable, but what I think you're not realizing is that your brain and your heart want two different things. That's what's causing your problems here. Intellectually you have a wonderful plan, and one that should work for ... (read in full...)
My ex and I are trying to be friends, but I can't help but wonder what will happen when I leave town and we must say goodbye?
Q. Hey all, I'm struggling to keep my mind off my ex. We were only together for 4 1/2 months, but the relationship was highly significant to me. I loved her very much. After the break up I decided that I didn't want to risk losing her entirely, so...
A. 4 April 2011: I think I answered you on one of your previous posts (if there have been more than one). I can tell it's not going so hot for you. I'm guessing, it's not much better for her either. The truth is, that after you move away, the distance will ma... (read in full...)
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