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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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I gave him a BJ and he told all his friends I'm frigid.
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I found out about my husband's sex secrets after he had an accident. Why doesn't he understand that I am upset?
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Her best friend is a boy. Am I wrong because I feel jealous?
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It's natural because as a guy, you know that guys aren't usually friends with girls they aren't interested in dating. So you realize that his intentions may not be as pure as they seem. A... (read in full...)
My ex and I are trying to be friends, but I can't help but wonder what will happen when I leave town and we must say goodbye?
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Stepmom instigated Dad and older brother to beat up my BF.
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A. 6 April 2011: I'm with FA on this one. They need charges filed against them for this. I don't care if they apologized, they should have known better to begin with. Especially your father.
I'm glad you're living with your momo now.... (read in full...)
Why is he bothering?
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Why is Hardcore Porn so popular and why do people defend it so fiercely?
Q. Why do men get off on watching women being so obviously humiliated and abused in hardcore porn? For whatever reason the women are made to look as if they are being violated and taken violently for pleasure purposes of those watching.... I just re...
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Why is Hardcore Porn so popular and why do people defend it so fiercely?
Q. Why do men get off on watching women being so obviously humiliated and abused in hardcore porn? For whatever reason the women are made to look as if they are being violated and taken violently for pleasure purposes of those watching.... I just re...
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A. 5 April 2011: Don't worry, nobody really cares but you. I've seen all shapes and sizes and loved them all. Please relax and learn to love your body. The more you love it, the more others will as well.... (read in full...)
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A. 5 April 2011: If you're honest about wanting to work on your marriage, then honesty is your only choice.
Seriously though, that's not what you wanted. If it was, you wouldn't have fallen onto someone else's dick. Sex doesn't just happen. If you were willing ... (read in full...)
How can I get my boyfriend to ask his friend to join us in our threesome?
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A. 5 April 2011: Because your boyfriend doesn't like the idea of sharing you with another guy, especially one he knows. Don't push the issue. The more you push for that friend, the more he'll be convinced that you prefer his friend to him. Honestly, this is a ... (read in full...)
FWB no longer interested?
Q. So im in a nsa friends with benefits situation (for about 2 months). Things are going well and im happy with the arrangement. We normally text every day about random things/how are days are going etc and usually meet up once or twice a week. For the ...
A. 5 April 2011: He's getting his sexual needs met by his GF currently but keeping you on the line for when she doesn't meet his needs. ... (read in full...)
There is no reason for my children to have these problems. Where can I go that someone will understand?
Q. I feel so alone with my problems. I feel there is no one else on the world who is going thru the same tragedy as me, or in the same way. I have tried to get help before from counselors and support groups, but i felt very misunderstood, and that the...
A. 5 April 2011: You'll never find someone with exactly the same situation, and you should stop looking because it's a futile search. You seem to think that others cannot help you if they haven't experienced this themselves, but the truth is, there are people who ... (read in full...)
At my age are there any legal or moral grounds where your parents can forbid you to date?
Q. Are there any justifiable legal or moral grounds on which your parents can forbid you to date at the age of 19? I mean, if you still live with them but never bring your boyfriend home (so nothing happens under their roof) and you're sensible ...
A. 5 April 2011: Your parents have the power you give them. Of course, if they are providing you a place to live, they can hold that over your head. Also, if you have religious affiliations they can stress the importance of those as well.
Legally, no, there's ... (read in full...)
I'm confused and need help. I have a great BF, but I really like the "player" I've been texting.
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A. 5 April 2011: Realize that all that nice stuff he was saying was just a bunch of lies to get in your pants. That's what players do. They tell you what you want to hear until they get what they want, then drop you so they can move onto the next bimbo who falls ... (read in full...)
Her excuse for sleeping with my brother is that she thought it was me! Should I believe her?
Q. A few days ago my twin brother and I had our birthday party at our apartment. Our girlfriends were at the party with a few friends. We had quite a bit of different kind of liquor. Then I guess I passed out. In the morning, my brother's girlfriend ...
A. 5 April 2011: I'd be more mad at my brother, but I wouldn't buy that shit from my GF if I was in your position. My instinct would be to walk away from both of them. That was pretty much one of the worst things your brother could do to you, and he damn well knew ... (read in full...)
"Is she crazy, or am I? OR both?"
Q. My girlfriend (ily) broke up with me last week because I finally leveled with her about sexual relationships I had when she and I weren’t together. One of which occurred before ily and I had ever met. When we first began dating she heard I had a ...
A. 5 April 2011: Is it normal for her to want details?
Yes.
Should i concede?
No
What good could ever come from that?
No good could come from it. She's already retroactively jealous, and hypocritical. All knowing those specifics will do will mak... (read in full...)
I am hooking up with my ex's best mate, do I follow my heart and see where this goes or stop this because it will hurt so many people?
Q. I broke up with my boyfriend, John of 10 months, around 2 or so months ago. When we were together we used to hangaround as a group, with his best mate, Kyle and his friend with benefits, Jane who i became really good friends with. It took me awh...
A. 5 April 2011: In a way he's right, and in a way he's very very wrong. Nobody lives in a vaccuum. While it is just you two in the relationship, you still have friends and family, and it's not like you're going to stop interacting with them. It's foolish to ... (read in full...)
I love her and she loves me, but our families are causing problems. How do I convince her to marry me?
Q. Dear all., You will be appreciated if any one can help me to solve my problem. I am basically from a low class family from a small village. I dont even know how should I behave with a girl. I lost my mom and dad in 1997 and 2003 simultan...
A. 5 April 2011: I'm glad to help, even if I know what I said wasn't what you may have wanted to hear. Remember, there will be other opportunities, even though it doesn't feel that way now. Work on becoming a better man, and improving yourself. Learn from your ... (read in full...)
I love her and she loves me, but our families are causing problems. How do I convince her to marry me?
Q. Dear all., You will be appreciated if any one can help me to solve my problem. I am basically from a low class family from a small village. I dont even know how should I behave with a girl. I lost my mom and dad in 1997 and 2003 simultan...
A. 4 April 2011: Your love for her isn't true, if it was, you would not have hit her. I don't care what your reasons may have been for it. Her love for you may have been true until you hit her. Now she is scared of you, and is so for good reasons. If y... (read in full...)
My ex and I are trying to be friends, but I can't help but wonder what will happen when I leave town and we must say goodbye?
Q. Hey all, I'm struggling to keep my mind off my ex. We were only together for 4 1/2 months, but the relationship was highly significant to me. I loved her very much. After the break up I decided that I didn't want to risk losing her entirely, so...
A. 4 April 2011: I think I answered you on one of your previous posts (if there have been more than one). I can tell it's not going so hot for you. I'm guessing, it's not much better for her either. The truth is, that after you move away, the distance will ma... (read in full...)
Should I still meet up with him?
Q. I live in England and my boyfriend lives in Turkey and was planning on seeing him this week, the flights has been booked, but I called him to say I'm in two minds about going to see him. He went really mad with me when I told him this and said I ...
A. 4 April 2011: Why don't you want to go?... (read in full...)
He's decided to be faithful. Why couldn't he have decided that when he was with me. I am so hurt.
Q. Well. I've been seeing this boy since the beginning of this year, as in the 8th January. He is like my PERFECT match and everything about him is amazing. My type of humour, fashion sense, music taste, amazing body and looks after himself and know...
A. 4 April 2011: Help with what? Getting over getting played by a jerk who was cheating on his GF with you? Learn from this. Trust your gut instinct when it tells you something is wrong. Be glad you didn't get further in this "relationship" before it went s... (read in full...)
I have this amazing GF, but I watched porn and the guilt is killing me. What should I do?
Q. Hi, I'm living with housemates and girlfriend. I love my girlfriend very much, I think she is amazing and so beautiful and incredible. I'm so lucky to have her. Last summer when we were apart, I went on porn loads during the week and I felt...
A. 4 April 2011: I don't think she'll see it as cheating, but she won't be happy, you can pretty much guarantee that. Still, it's better if you come clean about this rather than let the guilt make things worse.
Here's a thought for you though, and me playing ... (read in full...)
Guy asks me out,now he is gone very distant with me
Q. I have be texting this guy that i met online, we've been texting for almost four months now. He seems like a nice guy, and he's not bad looking either. He texts or phones me almost every day and I would contact him sometimes too (communication is ...
A. 4 April 2011: Hmm, a drastic change like that is usually a bad sign. Maybe send a small "hey, how's it going?" message, but if you don't hear back, let it go. He may have chickened out, he may have realized something may not work, he may have met someone else... (read in full...)
I love my boyfriend but I can't seem to forget my first crush
Q. Hello Aunties! Okay here is my question i finally have a boyfriend! yay! the problem is i can't seem to forget about my first crush i had since i was 9. i really love my boyfriend with all my heart but when i see my first crush i freeze to death ...
A. 4 April 2011: Did you ever tell your crush how you feel? Part of this may be due to the fact you never got any closure (because I'm guessing you didn't). Eventually it will become obvious to your BF how you feel for this other boy. The better he gets to know ... (read in full...)
I have loved my Science teacher for years. I need to find a way to tell him (discretely).
Q. just to give you a brief overview of the situation i was in year 8, young and naive, when i started to like my science teacher. he is rather attractive, i could go on for ages, but generally charming and funny. so naturally, i started to like ...
A. 4 April 2011: Definitely read the link from maverick494. It's a great article.
If you want to tell him, you'll have to wait. It is illegal for him to do anything with you until you are 18 and out of his school for a minimum of 2 years. So, wait that time, an... (read in full...)
I have this amazing GF, but I watched porn and the guilt is killing me. What should I do?
Q. Hi, I'm living with housemates and girlfriend. I love my girlfriend very much, I think she is amazing and so beautiful and incredible. I'm so lucky to have her. Last summer when we were apart, I went on porn loads during the week and I felt...
A. 4 April 2011: My train of thought is along the lines of the number of porn related problems we see here. Usually women's biggest problem has to do with the lies that surround it.
There really is no easy way to have this conversation. I think that she'll p... (read in full...)
Husband wants to buy the team name. I don't agree. Help!
Q. I am a 29 year old female and a mother of a 4 year old son. My husband was a member of a successful amateur teenage bowling team when he was a kid. This team won 16 league championships. To know my husband is to know about those 16 titles. H...
A. 4 April 2011: Gotta love stubborn men sometimes, right...
"What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet" To quote Shakespeare.
This is important to him. Why it's as important as it is, it's hard to say. He has ver... (read in full...)
I have this amazing GF, but I watched porn and the guilt is killing me. What should I do?
Q. Hi, I'm living with housemates and girlfriend. I love my girlfriend very much, I think she is amazing and so beautiful and incredible. I'm so lucky to have her. Last summer when we were apart, I went on porn loads during the week and I felt...
A. 4 April 2011: Open and honest communication. You need to talk about this and stop projecting your fears about what she will do onto her. Give her the chance to react the way she will.
What compelled you to go on the chat site. You talked about being a couple... (read in full...)
How important are looks really?
Q. How important are looks really? I'm not a toad, just saying. I would say I'm average. Everytime I meet someone new, they remark on how pretty I am. So theres this guy. (of course there is) and we met like once, in person. We exchanged num...
A. 4 April 2011: You can't fake confidence, either you have it or you don't. But you can do your best not to let your insecurities get the best of you.
Do body size and looks really matter?
Somewhat, but less than a lot of people think. I can pretty much guar... (read in full...)
I am hooking up with my ex's best mate, do I follow my heart and see where this goes or stop this because it will hurt so many people?
Q. I broke up with my boyfriend, John of 10 months, around 2 or so months ago. When we were together we used to hangaround as a group, with his best mate, Kyle and his friend with benefits, Jane who i became really good friends with. It took me awh...
A. 4 April 2011: Well, a relationship with you will put a huge wedge between Kyle and John. Do you think you can live with that guilt? The truth of the matter is that YOU aren't really doing anything wrong. John is your ex, and you don't really owe him anything... (read in full...)
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