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*ode Warrior agony aunt

*ode Warrior

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*ode Warrior's profile:

I have been married for 30 years. I am happily married but think a lot about relationships. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and be a better husband for my wife.

However, this wasn't always the case. I came close to losing my wife as I was not a good husband for a very long time. Of course, relationships are a two way street, and she was not perfect either.

A few years ago, I decided to drop all of my grievances and devote myself to making her happy without saying anything to her. I just started doing things - helping around the house - getting back in shape - all kinds of little things. I spent nearly a year doing this without saying anything or asking anything in return.

One day she asked me what was going on so I told her. She expressed her doubts that I would keep it up and did not trust me. That was understandable, so I told her that I would continue to love her and devote myself to her and I asked that she try dropping her grievances and just focus on devoting herself to me. I promised that things would get better in time, but the key was to give up her grievances. We will never be happy if we force the other to suffer punishment for thier minor misdeeds.

She decided to give up her grievances against me and she tried to devote herself to me. Over the intervening years things have gotten much better. They are not perfect, but we are happy again.

I am not perfect and I suffer from relapses of my old self, but they only last for a day or two and then I kick myself in the butt and get myself moving in the right direction again. She accepts these relapses because she trusts that it will not last long and she warns me if I am not acting fast enough. She has similar issues and I give her the same space to get back on track.

We are both human. We are not perfect. We love each other anyway. I tell people about this and they come back to me for relationship advice.

I bring this and other experience to the table. Hopefully people will find my advice useful.

Latest articles:

Deliberations on beauty at a high school football game.

This question has 4 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 September 2009: My son's high school football game is being played on a cool October Friday night and we are losing. The parents of the players are all watching it, their hopes of college scholarships fading with every increase in the score. All intently watching ...

What is confidence and how do I get it?

This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

5 September 2009: I wrote this response to a person asking essentially the same question some time ago. I keep finding that I refer readers to it, so I thought it might make a good how to guide on self confidence. All of it was copied from my post, and modified ...

1234567891011Next > [32 pages, 1240 answers]

My brother finally introduced us to his fiance - she's my ex!

Q.   My brother has recently introduced the family to his new fiancée - but there's a massive issue. Basically he lives away and none of us have met her before - we only knew her name. We were all excited to meet her - but when he introduced her to ...

A.   12 September 2018: Don't continue to be cowardly about this. Tell your family the truth - including your brother. Let the chips fall where they may. Better to have a short period of discomfort than a lifetime of worry trying to keep this a secret. Note that you ... (read in full...)

Does my best friend like me as more than a friend?

Q.   I’m 16 and my bestfriend just recently turned 17. We are best friends. But recently, I have noticed some interesting things going on. He has been telling me that he loves me, he misses me, and lots of heart emojis. We have been bestfriends for ...

A.   6 September 2018: What difference does it make? The real question is, how do you feel about him? If he's just a friend and nothing more, then it really doesn't matter how he feels does it? I understand if you think he's going to make a move on you and you're w... (read in full...)

How important is respect in a marriage?

Q.   How important is respect in a relationship? I am back in the dating scene after 2 years and this always seems to come up for me in terms of “respect” My father has been legally married to my mother for 33 years ( I’m in my early 30”s) an...

A.   6 September 2018: Depends. My wife trash talks me all the time with a smile and I give it right back to her with the same smile. She also trash talks with her brothers and they all enjoy it. Of course, the trash talk is never mean spirited, at least not to us, but ... (read in full...)

Turnng 30 and getting itchy feet about passionless relationship

Q.   Hi, I don't know what to do or how to feel. I have lived at home with my parents until not long ago. I was always a good kid and studied hard and didn't go out partying. I've bought a house and moved in with my partner of 10 years. I have bee...

A.   24 August 2018: So many people mess their lives up chasing after passion and romance with people other than the ones they love. People lie. Their lives aren't nearly as glamorous as they portray them on social media. Also, using anything from the entertai... (read in full...)

I’m fed up with my life, how do I change this?

Q.   Before i say my problem please dont mention the doctor i already know and that is in hand. Im feeling stuck in life everyone around me is moving on with life and i feel like mine is going nowhere. I make myself go out and try things and meet new ...

A.   23 August 2018: Here's the deal. You're not a failure, you just sound bored as hell. You've achieved, you've pretty much raised your child, and you're at the top of your business. Sounds to me like you need some fun in your life. You need to do somethin... (read in full...)

My body turned him off ... he preferred to watch porn.

Q.   I split up with my boyfriend of 10 years a few months ago and he's really effected my self esteem. He said quite hurtful things about my body, I'm just looking for some opinions from guys about what kind of imperfections would really put you off. ...

A.   21 August 2018: You have PTSD, that's a serious thing. Having a traumatic experience that results in PTSD is not something that's under your control. Your brain was literally re-wired by the traumatic experience and when that that re-wiring is activated it takes ... (read in full...)

My body turned him off ... he preferred to watch porn.

Q.   I split up with my boyfriend of 10 years a few months ago and he's really effected my self esteem. He said quite hurtful things about my body, I'm just looking for some opinions from guys about what kind of imperfections would really put you off. ...

A.   21 August 2018: "...it’s horrible to feel like you are constantly being scrutinised and at risk of being rejected for the smallest or most random things. Things that you sometimes can’t control." That must be a real tough time. Of course, those very people h... (read in full...)

My body turned him off ... he preferred to watch porn.

Q.   I split up with my boyfriend of 10 years a few months ago and he's really effected my self esteem. He said quite hurtful things about my body, I'm just looking for some opinions from guys about what kind of imperfections would really put you off. ...

A.   20 August 2018: The OP expressed appreciation for what I posted in the spirit in which it was offered and that's all that really matters to me. If some woman reads my post and starts fretting over the appearance of her feet, then that's her problem, not mine. W... (read in full...)

My body turned him off ... he preferred to watch porn.

Q.   I split up with my boyfriend of 10 years a few months ago and he's really effected my self esteem. He said quite hurtful things about my body, I'm just looking for some opinions from guys about what kind of imperfections would really put you off. ...

A.   19 August 2018: In response: Point a: If that's the case then it's not up to you either, so you don't get to hold anyone accountable for anything including any wrongs they commit against you. Nor do you get to hold anyone accountable for their patriarchal acti... (read in full...)

My body turned him off ... he preferred to watch porn.

Q.   I split up with my boyfriend of 10 years a few months ago and he's really effected my self esteem. He said quite hurtful things about my body, I'm just looking for some opinions from guys about what kind of imperfections would really put you off. ...

A.   18 August 2018: To the OP, LOL, I'm glad I could give you some hope! To the fem anon PHD, I appreciate your desire to initially defend me, and I understand why you find it difficult now. In regards to "Patriarchy", we can debate whether or not a particul... (read in full...)

My body turned him off ... he preferred to watch porn.

Q.   I split up with my boyfriend of 10 years a few months ago and he's really effected my self esteem. He said quite hurtful things about my body, I'm just looking for some opinions from guys about what kind of imperfections would really put you off. ...

A.   17 August 2018: Fem anon, in your zeal to take offense and strike your tiny little blow against the imaginary boogeyman you call "The Patriarchy" you not only willfully ignored the point of my post, you willfully ignored the OP's question in order to do so. As a ... (read in full...)

My body turned him off ... he preferred to watch porn.

Q.   I split up with my boyfriend of 10 years a few months ago and he's really effected my self esteem. He said quite hurtful things about my body, I'm just looking for some opinions from guys about what kind of imperfections would really put you off. ...

A.   16 August 2018: I can't speak for other guys, but I look at the eye candy, and I can almost always find eye candy. Whether is the usual body parts, or the face, or the shape of the hips, legs, feet, arms, hands, eyes, nose, hair, whatever, it doesn't matter, I'll ... (read in full...)

I’m ready to buy my first home but I’m not sure about buying it with my boyfriend!

Q.   I'm 24 and I'm ready to buy my first home. I have been saving for years and years and finally have enough for a small deposit. I currently live at home with my mum and I've never lived elsewhere. Living at home and just paying rent and the food shop ...

A.   14 August 2018: Don't purchase ANYTHING jointly with someone to whom you're not married. It doesn't matter what the thing is. Either own it yourself, or don't own it at all. See a lawyer about the legalities of joint ownership when married vs. unmarrie... (read in full...)

I’m sick to my stomach that he had a lap dance on a stag weekend!

Q.   My boyfriend recently went on a stag do to Prague and whilst he was there he went to a strip club and the whole group paid for a lap dance off of 2 dancers. Before he left for Prague, I told him that it would really upset me if he got a lap dance ...

A.   14 August 2018: It was a lap dance - which in most strip clubs means no touching and the dancer isn't supposed to touch the patron. It's called a lap dance, but it's just a really close up dance that's as close as posdible without touching. I've had them at 3 ... (read in full...)

He’s chubby and it turns me off!

Q.   So I went for a date with this guy on Monday and it went gd, he's asked me to go to a wine tasting evening after he comes back from holiday with his parents in a fortnight. However, he’s cute (he’s half French and has the accent), has a h...

A.   13 August 2018: Yes, you're shallow and probably extremely vain too. So what? You have every right to be who you are. I don't have a negative opinion of shallow or vain people, I just know that the people they prefer are also likely to be shallow and vain, and ... (read in full...)

How do I handle my girlfriend's ex without punching him in the face?

Q.   Hey people, I never usually ask questions like this online but I don't really know how to talk to anyone else about this. So sorry if this is all over the place. Anyway, I have been in a relationship with an amazing girl for the last 8 months an...

A.   9 August 2018: I admire your restraint. Don't take my advice. I would've been in a fist fight with that little fucker in short order and probably would've blown it. However, I wouldn't have cared how it impacted her friends. I wouldn't tolerate being ... (read in full...)

I walked a strange girl home. Would it be okay to ask her out?

Q.   I am a grad student at a major US university. One evening not too long ago I was headed home from a long night in the lab (after midnight) when I came across a young woman wearing heels and a dress who approached me. She said that she had been at...

A.   5 August 2018: I'm going to be the dissenting opinion here. I'm going to quote some things out of order, but I feel it's necessary to hammer my point home. "I hardly know her except for the 15 minutes we walked together, but I'd like to get to know her better."... (read in full...)

I rejected my ideal guy years ago, and now he's with someone else and it's driving me crazy. Help!

Q.   Hey, I'm writing this partly to get it off my chest and partly because I need to change something about this situation, even if it's just my way of thinking about it. 5 years ago I was single, much more stupid than I am now, and met a brillia...

A.   30 July 2018: The thought of "never knowing" is a shitty decision making strategy and you clearly haven't learned your lesson from the last time you used that strategy. You had your chance. You chose poorly. Take your dumb "never knowing" decision making ... (read in full...)

The rude barista misbehaved with me and my husband took her side!!

Q.   Hi, I need help to understand a meaning of a conflict with my husband, who is completely in denial, and not compassionate with me,.. This is of-course not the only issue , we have but this one put me over the edge.. So few days ago I ordered...

A.   26 July 2018: Storming out was childish. My advice is to act your age. Once she told you that re-making it wouldn't improve anything, then you should have calmly said ok, I understand, thank you. Then just leave the coffee on the counter, slide it back to the ... (read in full...)

My friend never has time for me anymore since she started dating. Do I walk away?

Q.   Not sure if anyone on here can help but I wanted some advice about a friendship. One of my best friends has recently become very distant and so reluctant to see me. I've been trying to arrange to see her one weekend for several months but I jus...

A.   26 July 2018: Friends come and go. Don't make a big fuss. Also, when you were there for her in her time of need, did you do it to help her, or did you do it with the expectation that you would be paid back later? If you're going to help someone, then make the ... (read in full...)

I overheard my wife saying that her ex was the best sex she'd ever had and now my ego is shattered!

Q.   So my ego has been devastated and I really don’t know how to handle this. Turns out I’m not the best sex my wife has ever had. Any advice is appreciated. About a week ago my wife had one of her friends at our house for some drinks. After ha...

A.   11 July 2018: To quote Colonel Jessup in A Few Good Men: "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Son, we live in a world where sexual prowess has an overly inflated level of importance, and that sexual prowess has to be propped up by women and their orgasms. So, wh... (read in full...)

I'm married he's married why can't I just walk away?

Q.   I am married and have been with a married man for 4 and a half years. He has continually asked me to marry him, sent me houses online and tells me that we are ‘one’ and meant to be . I have asked him to leave and be with me and he says he is not ...

A.   10 July 2018: "Why do I seem to lack the strength to walk away?" Because you lack discipline. Because You're selfish. Because you're untrustworthy. Brecause you're dishonest. Because you're needy. Because you're lazy. Because you're a betrayer and a ba... (read in full...)

I think I'm a great catch so why don't more guys go after me?

Q.   I’m in my early 20’s and I’ve been single for a few months now, and I’m having a hard time figuring out why guys don’t really approach me when I go out nor message me. Even on dating apps like Tinder, I don’t have as many guys as I’d like try to ...

A.   10 July 2018: "on dating apps like Tinder, I don’t have as many guys as I’d like try to message me first." "I look like a model." "I’m in great shape" "I have a lot going for me" "I’m not cocky at all but I feel like I’m a great catch." "Is it so... (read in full...)

I'm wasting the prime of my life. What should I do?

Q.   Hello all, I've been in a rut for 8 years now and can't shift it. I'm alive but not living I guess. I have no drive or ambition. I can't remember the last time I thought yes I really wanna do this. Problem is I don't know what I want nothing ...

A.   6 July 2018: The best job advice I ever got was when I was in a rut at work and thinking about finding a new job. One of my co-workers told me that, for the next 30 days, I should just ignore my feelings and work as hard as I can. If, at the end of that 30 ... (read in full...)

He’s ignoring me all of a sudden! How do I react?

Q.   I’m 27 from UK and recently reconnected with my ex from 7 years ago who I broke up with. We had an amazing couple of days together rekindling and we’ve been very romantic since. Awkward part - he lives in America right now for work. He has men...

A.   6 July 2018: If I'm understanding this correctly, you were going to fly to the U.S. to have a date with him, then thought better of it, and wanted him to fly to the U.K. to have a date first, then you would fly to the U.S. after that for the next date? I gue... (read in full...)

I fear that he has grown controlling, though he says that I am too sensitive.

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We are both 23 and met in our first year of university. I did not take uni seriously initially and ended up failing and being suspended for 2 years for it. I was struggling financially and relied on ...

A.   30 June 2018: He not only doesn't respect you, he has contempt for you, and that's not going to change. People who think it's ok to control perfectly normal people for their own good are the most evil people on the planet. There's a special place in hell ... (read in full...)

Boyfriend's close friend from his highschool group is obsessed with him and he's slept with her... And while she hates me, he won't stop hanging out with her

Q.   So my boyfriend has a really close friend group from highschool. 3 other guys and 3 girls and they have a groupchat they always text in and are always planning hangouts together. This one girl in his group has always been obsessed with him (i've ...

A.   30 June 2018: It's an immature and childish dynamic. He knows what's going on and he's not going to do anything about it. He might even be getting an ego boost out if it. He's a child. IMO, your relationship with him seems like more of a bother than it's wor... (read in full...)

I'm have an uncomfortable feeling about my girlfriend's stepfather who walks around in the nude and God knows what else is going on

Q.   Right so this all started one day when my girlfriend called me I thought nothing of it, she usally calls me 5 times a day but she mentioned her step dad how she feels “uncomfortable” with him cos he walked round the house naked or just in his ...

A.   30 June 2018: If you don't trust her thren break up with her. It sounds pretty creepy to me and I'd be inclined to think something's going on between them.... (read in full...)

How could my girlfriend move on from a 4 year relationship so quickly and already be with another man?

Q.   Two Weeks ago, my relationship of 4 years ended with my girlfriend. i have been devastated, things have not been good for a while, but i was willing to do whatever it took as i never saw myself being with anyone else. we have not been intimate in ...

A.   30 June 2018: How can she move on so quickly you ask? As YCBS stated, in her mind, she broke up with you months ago, she just didn't tell you about it until now. Chances are very high that she has been involved with the new guy for that time. It's very com... (read in full...)

Why do men want to show off?

Q.   I am back in the dating game after two years of not looking. For the first time in my life I am looking to actually pay attention to the red flags(previously when the signs read “wrong way”) I just kept going. I would say I am an attractive women...

A.   29 June 2018: The guys you've met that do that, in their experience, find that it's generally a successful strategy to make a reference to their standard of living. It just doesn't work on you. Not all men are the same.... (read in full...)

Is it normal to feel apathetic towards guys after a while?

Q.   Have you ever felt indifferent towards men for a long time after a bad relationship and constantly being looked over, and I say looked over because you don't even get close to being rejected. Is this even normal? My whole life I have been looked...

A.   28 June 2018: I think it's healthy for you to feel that way. It's best to be happy with your own life by yourself. You don't need to have a guy in your life. That being said, you may want to have a guy in your life, but that shouldn't turn into a need. My at... (read in full...)

I planned a trip with friends and now they are going on a day I can't go

Q.   I planned a trip to a theme park and invited a couple of friends. I was excited about this. Then one if those friend's invited another couple of friends. One of those friends can't go on the day I am going, so they are now going on another day that ...

A.   28 June 2018: That's pretty shitty of them and I'd probably dump them as friends for the following reasons: 1) Presuming that they coukd invite other people without asking you first. After all, you're the one hosting the event. 2) Presuming that they could ch... (read in full...)

My best friend is in love with me but I don't feel the same way and now I've lost my best and only friend because we're not even on talking terms

Q.   Me and my guy best friend has been friends for years. He confessed his feelings to me, he was in love with me too much. He would never leave a day without talking to me. I love him as my best friend. And i can't imagine myself not having him beside ...

A.   27 June 2018: It may sound trite, but time is the only cure for a broken heart. You're just going to have to muddle through. There's really no other way. I could tell you to try to distract yourself with hobbies and whatnot, and that might help a little bit, ... (read in full...)

I have had an extremely stifled upbringing but I want to break free by going to a college of my choice. How do I convince my authoritarian parents?

Q.   In our family, it has always just been assumed that we'd all go to college. I've never been the best student, but I've basically been average. I liked "electives" the best and I got the best grades in music and Spanish. Actually, I won the John ...

A.   27 June 2018: You don't convince them. It's unreasonable for you to even expect that you can convince them to give up their convictions. If you want to find yourself, then you'll have to move out and pay for your own life. You're old enough to do it. Most of... (read in full...)

Boyfriend tells me he doesn't want kids, I leave crying and I haven't heard from him since. How is he so cold?

Q.   My LDR boyfriend of a year and a half finally admitted to me that he had 100% decided that he doesn't want kids. I am 40, have frozen my eggs and most days I feel the incredible yearning for a family. I say "finally admitted" because he has k...

A.   27 June 2018: I agree with Honeypie. Although, I'd just make it clear. I'd text him and just say: "I'm considering us broken up. Goodbye." That way, at least it's clear to both of you that things are officially over. Don't misunderstand, I already think yo... (read in full...)

Am I mean to delete all our photos from his phone?

Q.   I plan to break up with my boyfriend but I don't want to let him know until I delete all our photos together from his phone. Am I mean to delete all our photos from his phone? I never wanted to take pictures with him in the first place because I ...

A.   26 June 2018: If I understand you correctly, you're concerned that he will use the photos as a trophy. You're concerned that they will be the evidence to back up a boast to other guys that's more or less the crude equivalent of: "Yeah, I hit that!" Has h... (read in full...)

I stole from my brother, how do I repair our relationship?

Q.   My youger brother, Justin, is 23 months youger than me. I am 35 years old and he is 33 years old. He have always been a good person (doing charity work, volunteering his time to different charities, est.). When I was in my late teens and early ...

A.   24 June 2018: The other aunts have covered out pretty well. However, I'd like to add that you should pay the money back to him with interest with an apology note for stealing it and your contact information regardless. In the note explain that you're trying to ... (read in full...)

What if I fail ......

Q.   Hello everyone! I am in the middle of some crazy studying because very soon I’ll be taking a competitive examination (if I pass I will have to take another three competitive examinations in the course of the next year) to upgrade my career and get a ...

A.   24 June 2018: You're connecting too many things to this exam. You've set it up so that your entire future depends on it. First of all, that's bullshit, second of all, don't ever allow ANYONE or ANYTHING to have that much power over your life. There is no re... (read in full...)

I love him but feel neglected.

Q.   Hi Aunts and Advisors :) Ive been dating, "Evan" going on 1 year. We worked together at a bar that I left soon after but we continued to date. He still works this hectic hospitality schedule. I have a day job. neither opus are "rich" people bu...

A.   24 June 2018: You could try talking too him about how you feel, but I get the impression that he's happy living that way, so I don't think it will work. I mean, give it a try, it might work for a short time, but I wouldn't pin my hopes on it lasting if I were ... (read in full...)

Is a B-cup too small?

Q.   Is B-cup too small? Everyone in my family has A-cup boobs, but I am a B-cup. I am not growing anymore, and all my friends and family make fun of me and call me flat. It hurts me a lot. So, on legitimate average? When is a boob size too small, or too ...

A.   22 June 2018: I agree with Honeypie. There is no right size. Every guy is different. Many men prefer smaller breasts. As far as getting your feelings hurt over comments on your breasts, sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you. ... (read in full...)

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