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*ode Warrior agony aunt

*ode Warrior

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*ode Warrior's profile:

I have been married for 29 years. I am happily married but think a lot about relationships. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and be a better husband for my wife.

However, this wasn't always the case. I came close to losing my wife as I was not a good husband for a very long time. Of course, relationships are a two way street, and she was not perfect either.

A few years ago, I decided to drop all of my grievances and devote myself to making her happy without saying anything to her. I just started doing things - helping around the house - getting back in shape - all kinds of little things. I spent nearly a year doing this without saying anything or asking anything in return.

One day she asked me what was going on so I told her. She expressed her doubts that I would keep it up and did not trust me. That was understandable, so I told her that I would continue to love her and devote myself to her and I asked that she try dropping her grievances and just focus on devoting herself to me. I promised that things would get better in time, but the key was to give up her grievances. We will never be happy if we force the other to suffer punishment for thier minor misdeeds.

She decided to give up her grievances against me and she tried to devote herself to me. Over the intervening years things have gotten much better. They are not perfect, but we are happy again.

I am not perfect and I suffer from relapses of my old self, but they only last for a day or two and then I kick myself in the butt and get myself moving in the right direction again. She accepts these relapses because she trusts that it will not last long and she warns me if I am not acting fast enough. She has similar issues and I give her the same space to get back on track.

We are both human. We are not perfect. We love each other anyway. I tell people about this and they come back to me for relationship advice.

I bring this and other experience to the table. Hopefully people will find my advice useful.

Latest articles:

Deliberations on beauty at a high school football game.

This question has 4 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 September 2009: My son's high school football game is being played on a cool October Friday night and we are losing. The parents of the players are all watching it, their hopes of college scholarships fading with every increase in the score. All intently watching ...

What is confidence and how do I get it?

This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

5 September 2009: I wrote this response to a person asking essentially the same question some time ago. I keep finding that I refer readers to it, so I thought it might make a good how to guide on self confidence. All of it was copied from my post, and modified ...

1234567891011Next > [28 pages, 1066 answers]

Partner's dad flirting with me

Q.   I've been with my partner for 4 years. I have noticed in the past few months that his dad may be 'flirting' with me. We get on pretty well and I find it easier to chat with him than his wife. We tend to laugh and make jokes. Sometimes, I notice him ...

A.   26 April 2018: Well, if he's not maintaing his boundaries with you, then you'll have to maintain your boundaries with him. It's probably best if you tone down your interactions with him a bit. If you sense that he's starting to flirt with you, then you need to ... (read in full...)

Long time friend wants to be more than friends.

Q.   Hello agony aunts. Im facing some troubles and dealing with my guy friend's behavior towards me. My guy friend is being cold, sarcastic and mean to me in the past few weeks. Okay well let me start with this, he actually loves me, he told me before ...

A.   26 April 2018: The friendship is over and you're just being naive if you think you can salvage it. He's in an emotional place that you'll never be, and there's no way he's going to be able to return to not having romantic feelings for you. He's being jealous ... (read in full...)

I think I am having a mid life crisis ... or something.

Q.   I think I'm having a mid life crisis or something. I'm 30, cohabiting with my long term boyfriend (nearly 6 years). Just about to move into our first house purchased together. I hate my job. I'm on medication for depression and anxiety (the latter ...

A.   26 April 2018: It seems like you might be suffering from the Abilene Paradox. The Abilene Paradox happens when we really don't want to do something, but we agree to do it anyway in order to avoid conflict. In the case of the story, called "The road to Abilene", ... (read in full...)

Why do I feel I have to supress my emotions when in a relationship?

Q.   I don't know how to be in a relationship. When I get excited about someone, I drive them away. The pattern is always I show too much interest (in a happy, excited way, from my perspective), they pull away, and then because they pull away, I start to ...

A.   25 April 2018: You say you wait patiently for affirmation. What does that mean? Why do you need affirmation?... (read in full...)

My fiance saw my mother naked.

Q.   My fiancee and I are sharing a house with my parents and sharing expenses with them at this point. Obviously it permits us to save a little more money for our future. Well yesterday my mother was in her room with the door wide open. We were wa...

A.   25 April 2018: Yeah, you aren't going to find too many people that will agree with your reaction. It seems like your reaction is coming from a much darker place. You accused your mom of dressing inappropriately and seeking attention. What kind of attention do ... (read in full...)

I offered an adult student help, now he constantly contacts me.

Q.   I would like to preface my question by saying that this isn't exactly a "relationship" question, but I am reaching out for advice because I know that some of you are really qualified to give advice about interactions with people, in general. I te...

A.   25 April 2018: I understand your anger over being taken from your country by your parents. It's tough to start someplace new, but that's true for anyone going to any culture that's different from the one they grew up in. For example, there are many American ... (read in full...)

I offered an adult student help, now he constantly contacts me.

Q.   I would like to preface my question by saying that this isn't exactly a "relationship" question, but I am reaching out for advice because I know that some of you are really qualified to give advice about interactions with people, in general. I te...

A.   24 April 2018: The old adage "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" applies here. It's fine to be empathetic, but don't be foolishly empathetic. If the man is running a con on you, then you'll pay a heavy price. On the other hand, if the man is ... (read in full...)

I muust have a "hate me" sign above my head.

Q.   I’m unlikeable it seems, people don’t “take” to me land aren’t friendly. I feel like giving up on people. I Try to be nice and get ignored, uninvited, dismissed and forgotten. Please, how can I be more likeable? I listen, I smile and...

A.   23 April 2018: What you describe is more common than you think. Especially these days with the distractions of smart phones and social media. You're not alone in feeling like nobody wants to be friends with you. Most people are superficial toward each other an... (read in full...)

I'm wondering how some females can manage not being jealous and I'm wondering how some guys don't see how this affects their partners?

Q.   I'm single, so this isn't something I'm writing out of emotion, but something I have pondered in the past. I came across a lot of articles online lately about what guys like and dislike in relationships and it seems as though a lot of guys mentioned ...

A.   23 April 2018: Men account for the majority of power and wealth positions in the world because, in general, extreme men tend to be more willing to sacrifice everything to gain those positions of power and wealth than even the most extreme women are. Very few ... (read in full...)

How do I have conversations with my husband about our relationship without him getting angry?

Q.   I dont know where to start.. my husband changed a lot after we marry. In a negative way. He doesnt care anymore and we kinda lost connection after we marry. He become irresponsible man which i never think he could be. He used to be a very caring and ...

A.   22 April 2018: Your entire post is all about what you're not getting. You were fine when he was a college student without significant responsibilities and was able to dote on you and give you all the attention that you crave. But now that he's in poor financial ... (read in full...)

What are some thoughts or suggestions on solving this without ending this or is it just better to end this?

Q.   I’ve been with my partner for going on nine years. We have lived together a good majority of this time. There are children involved from previous relationships, but my struggle doesn’t really involve the children. My partner is a great guy. I trul...

A.   22 April 2018: Ordinarily, when a person expresses the sentiment that they want to fix their relationship problems, I suggest giving up all of their grievances and just doing things for their significant other without expecting anything in return. The idea there ... (read in full...)

I'm wondering how some females can manage not being jealous and I'm wondering how some guys don't see how this affects their partners?

Q.   I'm single, so this isn't something I'm writing out of emotion, but something I have pondered in the past. I came across a lot of articles online lately about what guys like and dislike in relationships and it seems as though a lot of guys mentioned ...

A.   22 April 2018: Well fem anon, since I'm the only male to have answered at the time of your post and also at the time of this rebuttal, it's clear your post was mostly directed at me. Yes, I disregard feelings of double standards and privilege because it's an ... (read in full...)

I'm wondering how some females can manage not being jealous and I'm wondering how some guys don't see how this affects their partners?

Q.   I'm single, so this isn't something I'm writing out of emotion, but something I have pondered in the past. I came across a lot of articles online lately about what guys like and dislike in relationships and it seems as though a lot of guys mentioned ...

A.   21 April 2018: When someone is immature and irresponsible, they tend to form relationships with people who are immature and irresponsible. Immaturity and irresponsibility breeds double standards and hypocrisy. You described how your last boyfriend got upset wh... (read in full...)

My boyfriend, I and his so called lesbian friend who's slept with him, fancies him and doesn't like me. What do I do?

Q.   Been seeing a guy for 7months now. Started off casually, us both not looking for a relationship, but it naturally progressed into one that we both are enjoying. We have had to redefine and communicate a lot about what our needs and expectations are ...

A.   20 April 2018: All you've said is that you don't like her and would like him to stop seeing her. What are you going to do if he doesn't choose to stop seeing her? So far, there's no repurcussion for choosing not to comply other than you won't like it and will... (read in full...)

He said he loved me but then he dumped me out of the blue! Do I just walk away and forget it all?

Q.   Hi Everyone I have a really big dilemma and don’t know what to do. Long story short. I was seeing this guy for a little over 2 months. Things were going amazing, we got along well, we wanted the same things out of life, we had many of the same ...

A.   19 April 2018: You should tell him that you're going to start dating other guys. But, if he wants to date you on occasion, give you a call, and if you're available, maybe you will. However, you're not going to wait around for him to figure out what he wants. ... (read in full...)

No kids, no spouse, and nearing 30.

Q.   Does anyone else freak out that their hitting their thirties with no kids and husband/wife? I have tried online dating and that hasn’t worked (honestly most people I have met look for sex) and I am traditional ( I would at least like to date a b...

A.   18 April 2018: I wouldn't know, I was married at 24 and have been married for 30 years. However, times have changed and fewer young people view marriage as desirable. The hook up culture is pervasive, so I'm not going to give you platitudes about being patient ... (read in full...)

How do I handle my girlfriends past?

Q.   I would like to start out by saying that I consider myself very open minded. I am divorced from a 6 year marriage and am on good terms with. I have even made good friends with my ex-wife’s boyfriend and we hang out occasionally. My current ...

A.   17 April 2018: I agree with the idea that someone who knowingly helps someone else cheat is every bit as immoral as the cheater. I also believe that forgiveness means that you'll never bring the forgiven thing up again. Your time to end the relationship was when ... (read in full...)

Why is she so attention seeking??

Q.   Yesterday a 44 yr old female work colleague with 5 kids had her wisdom teeth out,she posted a post surgery selfie of her swollen face on our works fbook page, Is this pure attention seeking? She’s a quiet and good worker, invisible.. like...

A.   17 April 2018: To me, the following is the most telling thing in your entire post: "She’s a quiet and good worker, invisible.. like me.." You're upset because you thought she was invisible just like you. You took comfort in the idea that you weren't the ... (read in full...)

My hsband left me for another woman but wont considera divorce.

Q.   My husband left me with other woman his (mistress) it's been 2 weeks now since he left. I'm 37 yr old My husband is 54 and his mistress is 45 year old she's older than me . I want to divorce him coz I don't trust him no more . But my husband ...

A.   17 April 2018: Divorce him anyway. As the others have suggested, see a divorce lawyer. The divorce lawyer can tell you the legal process for your circumstances.... (read in full...)

I'm dating a 48 year old man who lives in utter filth and doesn't know what he wants from life

Q.   I've Been seeing a 48 year old man for about 5 weeks now. He is not physically attractive in anyway. I looked past all this because I am actually pursuing a serious relationship and my criteria isn't based on looks. It would help but doesn't matter. ...

A.   16 April 2018: If you don't care about looks, that's perfectly fine, but don't date someone that disgusts you just to prove to yourself and others that you don't care about looks. There are plenty of average to unattractive guys that make a good living that also ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend constantly changes the topic of conversation to himself and his achievements

Q.   Hello everyone, there's a little thing that been "bothering" me about my boyfriend, and due of my lack of experience on these aspects, I was wondering if some of you could give me a little hand in order to solve this situation. Usually when w...

A.   10 April 2018: Fem anon and Dioncee pretty much covered it. If you want to verify it, simply do the same thing to him that he's doing to you. If he gets upset, then you have your answer - he's probably a narcissist. On the other hand, if he gets concerned that ... (read in full...)

I want a sexual relationship with my professor. Should I pursue it?

Q.   I am in love with my professor and want to take thing to a sexual relationship. I need advise on how to keep it a secret. We flirt all the time we even exchanged pictures. Should I pursue this at all? ...

A.   10 April 2018: YCBS nailed it: "If you need to keep it a secret, then you should know it is wrong." Nothing else needs to be said.... (read in full...)

I have a boyfriend but my best guy friend has a huge crush on me and it's making me uncomfortable

Q.   Hello there! I've been in a relationship with my bf for a while now, and I'm perfectly happy with him. He's not really the problem, I have - the problem is with one of my best friends. He's a year older than me and recently admitted to having a huge ...

A.   10 April 2018: I've been on both sides of this situation. I've been the friend that's developed feelings (she didn't have a boyfriend), and I've had a girl as a friend that developed feelings for me. In both cases, it ended the friendship. There is really no ... (read in full...)

Am I bored or is this the end?

Q.   I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We have been living together for 3 years. I keep asking myself the question lately- 'Should we be together?' He is into cars/geeky stuff/computers/food and that is pretty much all he is interested in....

A.   9 April 2018: "I guarantee that if we split up he will find someone new, marry her and make more effort but why can't that person be me???" That tells me that you don't want to end it. I say make the effort yourself and see if you can lead him to where yo... (read in full...)

I'm obsessed with a local female celebrity and I'm so embarassed at myself!

Q.   I’m obsessed with a local celebrity (not hugely known, only kind of in the theater world), and Ibwant to be her friend,friend only as im female, and she’s marrie. how can I get over this? It’s so stupid!? I’m so embarassed. I’m a grown...

A.   7 April 2018: If you can't afford therapy, then start confessing to people that you know. Face the embarrassment head on. It's a powerful motivator. So are teasing and ridicule. I know it will be embarrassing and painful, but you need powerful motivators to ... (read in full...)

Do you think karma will ever catch up on my husband's ex wife for the way that she's treating her children?

Q.   Hello Aunts! I just need a view point here - does karma exist? I am beginning to think it doesn’t. Here is why: My husband, a truly wonderful man and father was with his ex for over a decade. He took her son on as his own and they had 2 more c...

A.   6 April 2018: If you can prove that she harms the children, then maybe the police is an option, but until then, the only thing you can do is make sure the kids know that they are safe and loved in your home. The rest will take care of itself. Whether that ... (read in full...)

I'm obsessed with a local female celebrity and I'm so embarassed at myself!

Q.   I’m obsessed with a local celebrity (not hugely known, only kind of in the theater world), and Ibwant to be her friend,friend only as im female, and she’s marrie. how can I get over this? It’s so stupid!? I’m so embarassed. I’m a grown...

A.   6 April 2018: Seek out a professional therapist to help you get over this. You clearly understand the reality, but are having a difficult time overcoming your desire. You need professional help before your obsession gets you in trouble. In the meantime... (read in full...)

How do I approach my co-worker?

Q.   This guy at my work likes to stare and/or glance at me from afar; he seems nervous every time I come closer to him or walk past him. Afew weeks ago, I was smiling at him to try and calm his nerves down and show I am a friendly person and he seemed ...

A.   6 April 2018: Dating co-workers is a bad idea. Do your job. It's work, not a single's bar. Stop the immature nonsense.... (read in full...)

How to deal with the pain of family estrangement?

Q.   I was estranged from my abusive BPD mother for eighteen years, because I could no longer take her abuse. My brother, who likely also suffered from BPD, saw this as a personal rejection and wanted nothing else to do with me. He threatened me with ...

A.   6 April 2018: It's understandable that you feel sad. It's a sad situation. However, it's more common than you think. Even in the best family situations, there's not that much interactions with the children of siblings, and even less interaction with the ... (read in full...)

What kind of girl does a guy consider special and different?

Q.   What kind of girl does a guy consider special and different What about her physically mentally spiritually and emotionally will make her stand out from the rest? I hear a lot of women say things like “If a guy loses me, he’ll never find any...

A.   5 April 2018: Your question is overly broad. Each person sets their own standards so there is no meaningful answer to your question that would apply to all men or for all women for that matter. Ask your question with the sex exchanged. You won't be able to ... (read in full...)

Is there no one for me? How can I get a guy to be interested in me?

Q.   I think I’m meant to be alone forever. I’m a junior in high school, and No matter what, I cannot find a guy who remotely shows interest in me. I am good-looking (not trying to be stuck-up) but I never talk in school. I go to school everyday without ...

A.   4 April 2018: I'm skeptical. When I hear a girl say that she can't get any guys interested in her, what I think she really means is that none of the guys she's interested in are interested in her. Big difference. You say you're good looking, and I believe ... (read in full...)

What is his deal? Can someone decipher his behavior?

Q.   I started a new job recently, and on my second day there I crossed paths with a guy who works in the same building; I had seen him wandering around earlier that day, but later on we were walking in opposite directions down a hallway so I attempted ...

A.   4 April 2018: Maybe he feels bad about the way he treated you in the hallway and doesn't know how to apologize to you without looking like an idiot, so instead, he winds up acting creepy. I've done exactly the same thing to women in my office, only I wasn't i... (read in full...)

My old nemesis might sabotage my new life

Q.   I am seriously thinking of moving to a new city to start my life over. At 50, I know this won't be easy, and I want to think ahead and do as much as I possibly can to get things off on the right track. Partly this is because I have tried for 23 ...

A.   4 April 2018: You're right, your ex-friend will undermine you because that's what people like her do. So, as much as you would like to believe it would be the perfect place if she wasn't there, the fact that she is thriving there tells me that your view of that ... (read in full...)

How do I move forward with my new boyfriend after cheating on him?

Q.   Hi, I previously asked a question relating to the situation I found myself in. To be honest I had some rather rude and insensitive answers from one particular user but each to their own opinion. Basically I was in an violent abusive relation...

A.   4 April 2018: You have too many issues you need to resolve. Your drinking appears to be out of control and you're showing poor judgment. Also, you're wrong that your current boyfriend shouldn't treat you coldly, that's EXACTLY what should be done to people who ... (read in full...)

I'm sad he's not prepared to change his life plans

Q.   I’d been dating a guy on and off for a few months. We both really liked each other and it started off well. After a few dates we started talking about our futures and I said I want to stay in the current city I’m in. It’s close to my family and I’m ...

A.   4 April 2018: I'm Not sure how we can help you since you haven't really asked us anything other than the obvious why is he still in your head, to which the only real answer is because you just broke up and it's still fresh in your mind. You probably already know ... (read in full...)

Is he telling the truth about the state of his marriage?

Q.   I’m seeing a married man for a number of years. I am in no rush to spending my whole life with but I do love him, he says he is in a sexless marriage, that his wife has no sex drive yet iv seen photos of them with her arm around him yet he doesn’t ...

A.   3 April 2018: Having an affair with a married man who lies to his wife every day and then wonders if that man is lying about his marriage. No, no, no. He couldn't be lying to you because you're SPECIAL!... (read in full...)

I've found the love of my life in a chatroom in Poland and I'm planning to move there to be with her

Q.   Last time I post on here, I had visited an escort. I had visit an escort only once and never again. I decided to get back into dating, but I had no success. One day I joined a chatroom and I happen to meet a Polish woman who lives in Poland over a ...

A.   3 April 2018: Well, Youcannotbeserious isn't from the US, and anonymous123 isn't from the US, so your rant is wrong on that count. But hey, if you can't handle hearing anything negative, then do as you will. If it works out for you, great. If it doesn't, well, ... (read in full...)

I don't want to nag but my boyfriend never texts me first!

Q.   Hey all! So my boyfriend and I just got together officially. I noticed in the first month that we talked quite a bit and he initiated the conversation a lot of the time, and he would always call me in the evenings before bed. When we got into the ...

A.   3 April 2018: "I know it’s probably stupid..." Probably? "It makes me feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me" Well, when you do a creepy analysys of his wake up times and his text response times I'd say he has a good reason for not wanting to talk to you. ... (read in full...)

I've found the love of my life in a chatroom in Poland and I'm planning to move there to be with her

Q.   Last time I post on here, I had visited an escort. I had visit an escort only once and never again. I decided to get back into dating, but I had no success. One day I joined a chatroom and I happen to meet a Polish woman who lives in Poland over a ...

A.   3 April 2018: You're getting scammed.... (read in full...)

Why is my coworker blanking me and what should I do about it?

Q.   I’ve beem in my job 21 months. Like it. 90% colleagues younger. I’m a worker, not a boss or manager. I’m fine with this. Not all of us are meant to be bosses.. 90% managers and my boss are younger. 2 are older, one my age. I have no...

A.   2 April 2018: Be professional and courteous. There's no need to say anything to her outside of what's required to do your job. If she comes to you with a valid work related request, then cheerfully do whatever your job requires relative to said request, and ... (read in full...)

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