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*ode Warrior agony aunt

*ode Warrior

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*ode Warrior's profile:

I have been married for 30 years. I am happily married but think a lot about relationships. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and be a better husband for my wife.

However, this wasn't always the case. I came close to losing my wife as I was not a good husband for a very long time. Of course, relationships are a two way street, and she was not perfect either.

A few years ago, I decided to drop all of my grievances and devote myself to making her happy without saying anything to her. I just started doing things - helping around the house - getting back in shape - all kinds of little things. I spent nearly a year doing this without saying anything or asking anything in return.

One day she asked me what was going on so I told her. She expressed her doubts that I would keep it up and did not trust me. That was understandable, so I told her that I would continue to love her and devote myself to her and I asked that she try dropping her grievances and just focus on devoting herself to me. I promised that things would get better in time, but the key was to give up her grievances. We will never be happy if we force the other to suffer punishment for thier minor misdeeds.

She decided to give up her grievances against me and she tried to devote herself to me. Over the intervening years things have gotten much better. They are not perfect, but we are happy again.

I am not perfect and I suffer from relapses of my old self, but they only last for a day or two and then I kick myself in the butt and get myself moving in the right direction again. She accepts these relapses because she trusts that it will not last long and she warns me if I am not acting fast enough. She has similar issues and I give her the same space to get back on track.

We are both human. We are not perfect. We love each other anyway. I tell people about this and they come back to me for relationship advice.

I bring this and other experience to the table. Hopefully people will find my advice useful.

Latest articles:

Deliberations on beauty at a high school football game.

This question has 4 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 September 2009: My son's high school football game is being played on a cool October Friday night and we are losing. The parents of the players are all watching it, their hopes of college scholarships fading with every increase in the score. All intently watching ...

What is confidence and how do I get it?

This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

5 September 2009: I wrote this response to a person asking essentially the same question some time ago. I keep finding that I refer readers to it, so I thought it might make a good how to guide on self confidence. All of it was copied from my post, and modified ...

1234567891011Next > [37 pages, 1456 answers]

My mother threatens to cut me off over the clothes I wear

Q.   I'm a 31 year old woman who lives and works away from my parents. My parents were never the overly controlling kind, although my mother is kind of very conservative when it comes to certain things. She doesn't approve of partying or wearing ...

A.   17 April 2019: No, most children aren't emotionally dependent on their parents after they reach adulthood. The very essence of being an adult is to move from a dependent relationship with our parents to a fully independent one and to handle our responsibilities ... (read in full...)

My mother threatens to cut me off over the clothes I wear

Q.   I'm a 31 year old woman who lives and works away from my parents. My parents were never the overly controlling kind, although my mother is kind of very conservative when it comes to certain things. She doesn't approve of partying or wearing ...

A.   17 April 2019: "because an attempt to control is as good as controlling." I see, so if someone refuses to be controlled and chooses not to be by choosing the consequences of non-compliance, it doesn't matter because someone attempted to control and failed, ... (read in full...)

My mother threatens to cut me off over the clothes I wear

Q.   I'm a 31 year old woman who lives and works away from my parents. My parents were never the overly controlling kind, although my mother is kind of very conservative when it comes to certain things. She doesn't approve of partying or wearing ...

A.   14 April 2019: Of course it's a controlling tactic, and I agree that she's trying to control you, but that doesn't mean you're actually being controlled. That may seem like a matter of semantics, but to me, a person being controlled has no choice. In other ... (read in full...)

How do you break up after 2 dates with a nice person?

Q.   How do you break it off with someone who has been very nice and seems very keen but is maybe a bit too full on after 2 dates? What words would you use to not hurt their feelings?...

A.   12 April 2019: I'm sorry to have to tell you that I've decided not to continue seeing you. It wasn't anything that you did or didn't do, it's that I'm just not feeling that romantic spark. I was hoping that I would feel that romantic spark with you because I ... (read in full...)

My mother threatens to cut me off over the clothes I wear

Q.   I'm a 31 year old woman who lives and works away from my parents. My parents were never the overly controlling kind, although my mother is kind of very conservative when it comes to certain things. She doesn't approve of partying or wearing ...

A.   12 April 2019: Your mother isn't obligated to approve of your choices nor does she have to keep her opinions to herself just because you don't like them. Your mother has every right to decide for herself what she finds acceptable and if she finds your clothing ... (read in full...)

I still resent the way my husband proposed to me.

Q.   I wanted to see if I’m being sensitive or not, I can’t get over the fact after 6 years of marriage with two kids of how my husband proposed. We’ve been dating for 5 years before he propose and the way he did it makes me sad till to this day. I see ...

A.   8 April 2019: I agree with you that your husband's proposal was callous and mean and I understand why you resent him for it. However, I also agree with Honeypie that you should've said NO!!!! on the spot and told him that he'd have to earn it if he was serious. ... (read in full...)

How do I chose the one to spend my life with?

Q.   i got into so much mess its driving me insane. I cant find my way anymore im in two long term relationships one of 21 years and one of 2 years I don't know what to do. I cant seem to make a choice through uncertainty, feeling scared of the pain and ...

A.   8 April 2019: None of this is really hard. You're just making it hard because you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want the perfect choice, but there is no perfect choice here, there's just a choice. No amount of discussing will change that and you ... (read in full...)

I'm really confused about this guy.

Q.   So, me and this guy have been talking. It was ok. Then he sends a message saying I've been thinking long and hard about your messages. If it was the the other way around you would you would cause for concern. So, dont apologise again. Im not up for ...

A.   8 April 2019: I agree with the others. Put your money where your mouth is or go waste someone else's time. He's not interested in being your virtual flirtbot.... (read in full...)

I think I am messed up and that I messed up this relationship.

Q.   Hi everyone, I’ve had something very strange happen to me and I’m hoping someone can help me work out what to do about it. I’ve been crushing on a man for about 18 months now. He’s physically not my usual type, but the minute I met him I had a ...

A.   8 April 2019: Simple, he was forbidden fruit before, and now he's not. Also, you were working together and interacting without any real pressure to end those encounters with sex, however, those daily encounters also stoked your crush. Now you're not working ... (read in full...)

His insensitive comment makes me want to just leave him!

Q.   I've been with boyfriend for 8 years now. We have had our bad patches and arguments, but the past couple of years have been really good, good communication, great sex, laughter, good times generally. We don't live together due to work commitments in ...

A.   5 April 2019: Sounds to me like you're reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hypersensitive and look for reasons to create unnecessary drama, at least he seems to think so, and based on your reaction he's correct. Sounds like he walks on egg shells around you wondering what minor ... (read in full...)

My older boyfriend wants me to pretend to be his daughter.

Q.   I dont think age should matter in a true loving relationship. My dad thinks otherwise and so I have moved out and anto my bf's place a few months ago. Although he is about 10 years older than me he is just so adorable. I like so love him to pieces ...

A.   5 April 2019: My guess is that he has an incest fantasy about girls that want to have sex with their willing fathers and he's using you to play the role of daughter in that fantasy because you look and are now willingly acting that way. You calling your real ... (read in full...)

We don't have the same sense of humor and it causes problems

Q.   I dont know what's going on with my relationship. I've been with him for 2 years but things seem so rocky at the moment. We are arguing quite a bit and he's drinking a lot. But the thing is the arguments are over such trivial things. We had plans f...

A.   30 March 2019: You most certainly were a bully toward him and if the standard being set for making accusations is based on something he MIGHT do in the future, as opposed to what was actually done then that's a dangerous mindset that allows justification of ... (read in full...)

We don't have the same sense of humor and it causes problems

Q.   I dont know what's going on with my relationship. I've been with him for 2 years but things seem so rocky at the moment. We are arguing quite a bit and he's drinking a lot. But the thing is the arguments are over such trivial things. We had plans f...

A.   30 March 2019: He's right about it not being bullying. He didn't bully that guy. He never said a word to that guy and that guy doesn't have a clue that anything was said. You, on the other hand, saw a chance to excercise power and and act as a bully and you ... (read in full...)

Am I being sent signs that I should stay single?

Q.   I met a man on a drunken, fun night the other night. We clicked and had a lot in common. he was quite sweet. he took me for dinner and gave me sweet cuddles. I had asked God if maybe God would want me to have a boyfriend or a husband a couple of ...

A.   29 March 2019: "Men are scared of me." No they're not. That's just what you're telling yourself to feel better about things. "(That's probably because they know they are jerk off at heart)?" What a sexist thing to say. One might say that you're a poor j... (read in full...)

Do I wait until after his birthday to break up?

Q.   I am kind of on the young side. I have been dating this guy for 2 and a half months and just seemed to have lost interest in him and am starting to have feelings for another guy. I want to break up with my current boyfriend but still be friends. How ...

A.   25 March 2019: You can't break up with someone and then expect to be friends afterward. That's an unreasonable expectation. You haven't just "lost interest" in him, you've cultivated an interest in someone else and that has caused your feelings for your current ... (read in full...)

I have no clue what I did wrong and don't want to ask because I'm afraid it will make her even more angry

Q.   Me and this girl we have been together for a while and recently went through a rough patch. We are slowly getting through it but today something happpened that has really confused me. We were talking on Snapchat when she said something that annoyed ...

A.   25 March 2019: She's probably shit testing you. Don't be a wuss. Let her have her hissy fit. Be the adult and ignore it. You were irritated by her and did the adult thing and kept your irritation to yourself. Do the same thing with her hissy fit. Chanc... (read in full...)

How do I cope with failure?

Q.   Hello everyone! A few days back I took a career advancement exam: I studied extremely hard, did may best and I coulnd't have done more than what I did. In a few weeks we will be getting our results back.I am terrified of failing it. I would feel ...

A.   25 March 2019: "I would feel like a failure and a totally worthless person. I know that's how I would judge someone who tried and failed such an exam." You think that a test equates to your worth as a person? That's pure nonsense. What's worse is that you'd th... (read in full...)

My Husband Loves Social Media... I Don't

Q.   Hello! My husband and I are having some issues in our marriage, mostly arising from social media. He loves his social media -- he's always checking his likes and posting pictures, but I, on the other hand, don't use mine all that often. And becau...

A.   25 March 2019: I don't participate in social media. I don't do Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, or other. My wife does. I think your husband is being a jerk. He should do him and you should do you and he should just STFU about how you do you. Who ... (read in full...)

Are some of us meant to be invisible??

Q.   This is a question about feeling invisible and the “likeable tag” and “praise” When everyone around you is known for something good and liked for it and you’re not do you keep trying? Like at work: where you’re good at your job, try to ...

A.   25 March 2019: You're assuming that the people you list are hearing about all their positive comments. Things you hear are being said to you, not to those people. Most of the things you cited about others are trivial qualities relative to workplace performa... (read in full...)

I asked my mother not to say negative things about my father and now she isn't speaking to me

Q.   My parents are divorced and I live with my mother and younger brother. The break-up between my parents was extremely sour. My father was never really the "#1 dad" type of figure because he had his issues with a drug addiction. My brother and I never ...

A.   3 March 2019: You were extremely rude to her and you're clueless what SHE went through being his WIFE! You do not know everything and how dare you dictate to your mother how she should speak about HER HUSBAND! Where do you get the unmitigated gall to demand ... (read in full...)

He's doing weed yet again despite all my ultimatums

Q.   Hi So me and boyfriend will have been together for 3 years (March 11th) and are in the process of looking to buy our first home. However, throughout the relationship he has struggled with an addiction to weed. He has repeatedly told me he's q...

A.   3 March 2019: Ultimatums aren't ultimatums if you don't follow through on them, they're just bluster and hot air that can be safely ignored.... (read in full...)

He is all that I have ever wanted but I feel trapped. Is an open relationship the answer?

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we met when we started university. All through these years I've been looking forward to graduating, getting a flat together and settling down. Now I'm coming to the end of my degree and I'm panicking because ...

A.   3 March 2019: If I was your boyfriend and you suggested an open relationship to me, I'd tell you to hit the road and go find one, but I'm not following you into that nonsense.... (read in full...)

Could these have been semen stains ... is he cheating on me?

Q.   Hi guys. I just need some advise. I’m driving myself mad and keep toying between am I just being super paranoid or is my gut instinct trying to tell me something... basically I want to know show I be weary of my partner! We have been together ab...

A.   27 February 2019: "Pls don’t reply if you’re going to attack mqe, " Please don't post questions if you can't handle criticism. "I know im probably being stupid :(" Probably??? That ship has already sailed and the S.S. Delusional is at the dock.... (read in full...)

I try very hard to acieve at university but my parents think its nothing

Q.   At the moment, I'm a little upset with what my parents have said. Not exactly sure how I should approach the situation. So it started off by discussing how I'm already in my 2nd year of university and that in a blink of an eye, I would be in my f...

A.   25 February 2019: Are you going to college to impress your parents, or are you going to college to learn skills necessary for career/business success? If you're doing it to impress your parents, then you're doing it for the wrong reason. You should be proud of... (read in full...)

Somebody keeps hacking my boyfriend or is he cheating?

Q.   I keep finding my boyfriend on multiple dating/cheating sites and find his search history is filled with things like: Women near me to have with tonight? I have asked him about it and he says he didn't do it. Tat someone is hacking him. Is that ...

A.   25 February 2019: Is it possible? Yes, technically it's possible. Is it likely? No. Think about it. Scammers and hackers are either looking to get personal information in order to steal an identity, or they're looking to gain access to a user's system in order ... (read in full...)

Am I fighting a losing battle? She is still speaking to her abusive husband!

Q.   So... there's a woman I've been talking to for a little over a month. And when we're together, things are good for the most part. The problem is... this woman is married to a man that she has been involved with for a few years. He has threatened h...

A.   21 February 2019: Stop trying to be a white knight. I don't care what she has told you about her marriage, it's none of your damn business and you're helping her cheat on her husband, so neither her nor you are trustworthy. Oh, I'm sure you think you're trustworthy ... (read in full...)

I’m in an exclusive long distance relationship, despite my desire for it to be open, and I started cheating. What do I do?

Q.   I’m a freshman In college and am doing long distance with a boy I started dating about a year ago (during my senior year of high school). I truly believe that I’m in love with him, as I dated a boy before him and learned the difference between ...

A.   21 February 2019: I broke up with my HS girlfriend just before I left for college. I loved her and I could even see myself being happily married to her. However, I knew that I was going to experience a whole new world and I knew that experience would change me in ... (read in full...)

I just got married and I feel that my marriage is already breaking

Q.   Dear cupid I just got married and already feel like my marriage is failing, to be precise nothing changed i.e we were living together even before marriage so it's the same. But my husband emotional support is almost none to these days Most of ...

A.   21 February 2019: If you already knew these things about him before you married him, why did you marry him? Why did you think that being married would change him into something better? This is not going to get better without him deciding he needs to change. If he ... (read in full...)

He played games with me and I need your help to understand why!?

Q.   I am a mature person (not perfect and have many flaws, I am only human), I met this guy who was 10 years older than me 4 years ago, I told him I did not want not want to go out with him as my previous relationships have broken down and they have ...

A.   20 February 2019: How are we supposed to know what this guy is thinking? How can it possibly matter what he's thinking at this point?Everything doesn't need to be explained. Just chalk it up to things not working out between you two and move on.... (read in full...)

Why don't I have any drive or passion for my business ideas?

Q.   This isn't about love but I could really use some advice. I hope that's ok. I poured lots of money into a tv show pilot, the problem is I'm not motivated to continue with the idea. I think the idea is good and needed but I find myself dragging ...

A.   19 February 2019: Like jmtmj said, suck it up and see it through to completion. Forget about your lack of motivation and just get the job done. If you fail, you fail, deal with it. But if you succeed? Well, that changes everything. One thing's for sure, if you ... (read in full...)

My ex and his girlfriend have teamed up and are cyberbullying me on Facebook and Instagram

Q.   My ex and his gf are bullying me online and I don't know why. I do not talk to my ex at all and I have moved on. I got a message on IG of her telling me to stay away from him which is weird because I don't have any contact with him and I am living ...

A.   16 February 2019: Haters gonna hate. There's nothing rational about it. Don't even try to understand it. I've never had a Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter account and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. If you don't use your Facebook account very much ... (read in full...)

Were my comments racist?

Q.   Hi everyone, I had an interesting and slightly upsetting conversation with a friend tonight. We got on to many inane topics that a few drinks brought to the surface and he asked me about my ‘type’. I explained that I am not someone to gener...

A.   15 February 2019: If you said those things to me, I wouldn't have even noticed or thought about them in any way as being bigoted or racially insensitive. IMO, your friend was trying to exercise control through faux moral authority and virtue signalling. If he ca... (read in full...)

Are their comments a sign of insecurity? How do I reply to them?

Q.   I admit this question is more of a curiosity than anything, but I ask because I've heard it a lot lately from my female coworkers and friends. They say things like, I'm old (49) or I look old, or my personal favorite, "one advantage of working in a ...

A.   12 February 2019: Yes they're fishing for compliments. No they probably don't have low self esteem. I don't compliment women at work on their appearance and I'd just ignore their comments.... (read in full...)

My friend’s study habits really bother me and may affect my education!

Q.   So this isn’t anything to do with love but I don’t know who else to ask. I am currently in my second year of university and have made some incredible friends, throughout the first year they pushed me to achieve the best grades so when coming to g...

A.   8 February 2019: Bummer. I figured that there might be multiple offerings of your classes at different times of the day and/or with different professors and maybe you could arrange your class schedule so that you could avoid her most of the time. Anyway, good luc... (read in full...)

We live together and have 3 kids but he hasn't talked to me in 7 days because of trust issues.

Q.   Tomorrow will be a week since we last talked. My bf of 3 years, father of my 3 children, stopped talking to me unexpectedly. I am unsure why, though I suspect it could be because of a message from an old hs friend. The message was completely ...

A.   8 February 2019: Also, I agree with the fem anon completely. If he escalates his childish behavior without end, you need to make a plan to leave him and that plan would need to include child support. If you follow the advice in my previous post, you do need to ... (read in full...)

We live together and have 3 kids but he hasn't talked to me in 7 days because of trust issues.

Q.   Tomorrow will be a week since we last talked. My bf of 3 years, father of my 3 children, stopped talking to me unexpectedly. I am unsure why, though I suspect it could be because of a message from an old hs friend. The message was completely ...

A.   8 February 2019: Your boyfriend is a child and a moral narcissist. Adults state their issues and try to work through them. He assumes that he has the moral high ground and his feelings are all that matter. He is full of self-righteousness and mentally abusing ... (read in full...)

My friend’s study habits really bother me and may affect my education!

Q.   So this isn’t anything to do with love but I don’t know who else to ask. I am currently in my second year of university and have made some incredible friends, throughout the first year they pushed me to achieve the best grades so when coming to g...

A.   7 February 2019: Stop taking classes with her. That way you won't be in a position to have to work with her, but can still be friends.... (read in full...)

On the one hand her behaviour is awful and she's constantly picking up fights but on the other hand she's very keen on moving in together! What's going on here?

Q.   Hi I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years. We're making plans to move in together soon. Everything was pretty much perfect until about 6 months ago when she started picking fights with me and usually there wasn't a clear reason, nothing I had do...

A.   7 February 2019: "Any thoughts?" Yeah, dump her and move on. She's very insecure and it will only get worse once you're living together. You can't fix insecure people. They will always be insecure about something.... (read in full...)

I’ve lost steam! Any advice?

Q.   I’m struggling to find motivation. I lost my job 9 months ago. I have been unable to find one, I found part time work, and that kept me going. I gave up my usual life to live frugally. I made some excuses to friends, as I cannot afford thier ac...

A.   5 February 2019: When I struggle with motivation, I just have to suck it up and force myself to take the small steps required to accomplish whatever goal I'm not feeling motivated to achieve. Every goal has small steps if you break them down far enough. Just force ... (read in full...)

I love dogs but my boyfriend doesn't. How can I make him change his mind?

Q.   My bf and me got into an argument tonight because we were talking about dogs and I said they are better than people. He asked why I think that. I said because dogs are so selfless and pure. They are always happy and love unconditionally. Unlike ...

A.   5 February 2019: "I honestly believe dogs are better than people I can't help the way I feel." Childish tripe not worthy of respect. "I said because dogs are so selfless and pure. They are always happy and love unconditionally" More childish tripe. Ask the... (read in full...)

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