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... Send *ode Warrior a private message | | | *ode Warrior's profile:I have been married for 25 years. I am happily married but think a lot about relationships. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and be a better husband for my wife.
However, this wasn't always the case. I came close to losing my wife as I was not a good husband for a very long time. Of course, relationships are a two way street, and she was not perfect either.
A few years ago, I decided to drop all of my grievances and devote myself to making her happy without saying anything to her. I just started doing things - helping around the house - getting back in shape - all kinds of little things. I spent nearly a year doing this without saying anything or asking anything in return.
One day she asked me what was going on so I told her. She expressed her doubts that I would keep it up and did not trust me. That was understandable, so I told her that I would continue to love her and devote myself to her and I asked that she try dropping her grievances and just focus on devoting herself to me. I promised that things would get better in time, but the key was to give up her grievances. We will never be happy if we force the other to suffer punishment for thier minor misdeeds.
She decided to give up her grievances against me and she tried to devote herself to me. Over the intervening years things have gotten much better. They are not perfect, but we are happy again.
I am not perfect and I suffer from relapses of my old self, but they only last for a day or two and then I kick myself in the butt and get myself moving in the right direction again. She accepts these relapses because she trusts that it will not last long and she warns me if I am not acting fast enough. She has similar issues and I give her the same space to get back on track.
We are both human. We are not perfect. We love each other anyway. I tell people about this and they come back to me for relationship advice.
I bring this and other experience to the table. Hopefully people will find my advice useful. |
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| Latest articles: Deliberations on beauty at a high school football game.
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
13 September 2009: My son's high school football game is being played on a cool October Friday night and we are losing. The parents of the players are all watching it, their hopes of college scholarships fading with every increase in the score. All intently watching ...
What is confidence and how do I get it?
This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
5 September 2009: I wrote this response to a person asking essentially the same question some time ago. I keep finding that I refer readers to it, so I thought it might make a good how to guide on self confidence. All of it was copied from my post, and modified ...
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How do I deal with the sexual tension between me and my dance partner?
Q. I am a dancer and I work with my dance partner. We are working on a dance production together and work on many productions together professionally. The big problem is the increasing sexual tension between us. He is married, no kids. I am single. We ...
A. 11 March 2013: You should tell your dance partner that you feel uncomfortable about the strong sexual content of the dance moves and you want to keep this strictly professional. Tell him that you are feeling strong sexual tension and while you don't want to ... (read in full...)
Does she have feelings for me? How can I determine this by her words and her actions?
Q. Dear all I know a woman who is single and she is aged around 42-45. We speak openly and are good friends too. When talking to me she told me that she is bored and needs company. She told me she wants to start a new life. I understand her d...
A. 11 March 2013: This isn't that hard. Who cares what she is thinking? The question is what are you thinking? If you want to start something with this woman then man up and ask her out. If she's interested then she will agree to go out with you, if she's not ... (read in full...)
I just want to be friends. So why do guys keep on developing feelings for me? How can I stop this happening?
Q. I'm studying engineering so it's ALL GUYS and I'm not a hermit or anything, so I try to make friends. And I LIKE having friends I can talk to about nerdy things like Linux and Firefly, I mean, most other people don't get it. But the guys ALWAYS e...
A. 3 March 2013: While it could very well be that the guys are all going after you because you're the only girl in town that they can relate to, I would think that after you turned enough of them down, you would get a reputation that would dramatically reduce the ... (read in full...)
What strategies will help me identify a good man who will step up and stay around like my husband, who accepted my bisexuality?
Q. I'm a single mother of two, separated from my husband of 19 years two years ago, finally dating, can't seem to find and keep a good man, a man like my husband who accepted that Im bisexual and will allow me to have flings with women while he stays...
A. 23 February 2013: Obvious troll being obvious.... (read in full...)
Should a man pay support if the ex wife is working?
Q. Hi everybody.... If Somebody aware of this answer my question. my relative age 30, married to a woman and got divorced with 2 year daughter. child is with her mother. she had put case to provide some amount monthly. but she is working.... no...
A. 17 February 2013: Both parents are obligated to provide equally for all of their children until they are legally adults. That is true regardless of who has the children. No parent is allowed to walk away from their obligation to provide for their children - ... (read in full...)
What am I doing wrong? Why doesn't she like me?
Q. It will sound a little wierd. I am a little possesive by nature. I have a huge crush on a girl. She is my junior.she is realy open and friendly with everyone. We have spent quality time together. I make her laugh a lot and she is realy happy around ...
A. 17 February 2013: Ok guy, you either need to grow a new pair of balls, or take your balls back from her (she may keep them in her purse). Crushes are for pussies. You're not a pussy are you? I sure as hell hope not.
It sounds to me like she knows you are crus... (read in full...)
Help, I need to air my concerns and seek your advice please? I've been sworn to secrecy about their relationship
Q. Hi everyone. I am a bit concerned about my best friend at the moment. I have known her for 23 years (we are both 27) and we have always been very close. About 9 months ago , she made a new friend and I stopped hearing from her as much. I was a bi...
A. 16 February 2013: I would tell your friend that you need to talk to her face to face. When you are together I would then tell her: "I am only going to say this once and then let it be." I would then repeat this quote from your post modified as required to say it to ... (read in full...)
Should I tell her he's been cheating on her with me???
Q. I've been messing around w/old fling who has a girlfriend. Come to find out, she is a really good woman. I feel horrible, should I tell her? I am 27 and we've have had little flings since my senior year in high school. He has always been a do...
A. 15 February 2013: Yeah, you're not cool with it. Except you keep doing it. Cut the crap. There is no justification for cheating or for suborning cheating. If there is something wrong with a relationship that cheating seems like an option, then just end the ... (read in full...)
Is it a stupid rule not to date friends?
Q. Hey :) I've always been baffeled by stories of CLOSE friends ending up dating. I think to be a good friend with someone you have to set your sexual feelings aside and be objective as possible so you can be as honest and as geniune as possible...
A. 15 February 2013: No it's not a stupid rule. After getting burned in many friendships with girls in my youth, I made the opposite rule where I would NEVER be just friends with a girl again. They would either be an acquaintance or a romantic interest, girlfriend, or ... (read in full...)
My sister wants us to be something we're not to impress her boyfriend
Q. I am having issues with my younger sister at the moment. She has been going out with her new boyfriend for about a year (she left her boyfriend of 6 years for him), and since then she has completely changed. He is from quite a well off family ...
A. 12 February 2013: I got the wrong impression from your original post that your sister was having some sort of crisis of belief and that's why she was challenging you on politics. I had the impression that she was testing you to learn about counter points that she ... (read in full...)
Afraid I may have led him on -- how to I gently make it clear that I just want to be friends?
Q. Hey I'm a 16 year old girl and in need of some advice, I think I may of lead on a guy, I really like him as a person and we have been flirting but I don't want it to go any further, even if I did like him I wouldn't want it to because there's a lot ...
A. 11 February 2013: If there's a lot he does that you don't agree with then why in the world would you have him in your life at all let alone lead him on in any way shape or form?
If you don't agree with many things he does then you really need to seriously look at ... (read in full...)
My sister wants us to be something we're not to impress her boyfriend
Q. I am having issues with my younger sister at the moment. She has been going out with her new boyfriend for about a year (she left her boyfriend of 6 years for him), and since then she has completely changed. He is from quite a well off family ...
A. 11 February 2013: You are in control over how you respond to your sister. You are choosing to look at it as an affront to you and your family rather than being understanding of your sister's predicament.
Your sister is being exposed to a very different point of... (read in full...)
Why did ex mean when he said our relationship was bittersweet?
Q. what did my ex mean when he said this to me.. "what happened with us is bittersweet when you think about it" What does he mean it's bittersweet? I've been thinking about it and still don't know how it applies to our relationship and our brea...
A. 10 February 2013: How can we possibly know? You've given us absolutely no information about the circumstances of your relationship or the circumstances of the breakup.
Just in case you don't already know, bittersweet means basically that he is both happy and sad ... (read in full...)
I am 27 and don't think I've ever been truly sexually attracted to any of my boyfriends.
Q. I am 27 and don't think I've ever been truly sexually attracted to any of my boyfriends. I have found them all attractive in the sense that I look at them and believe they are handsome, but I have never had that 'I want to rip your shirt off' type ...
A. 10 February 2013: I think it is normal. I think the exception is the animal lust scenario. Couples may feel that way on occasion when they are REALLY horny, and there may be some out there that feel really horny all the time, but I don't think it is normal for most ... (read in full...)
I'm so used to girls rejecting me. Never had a Gf. How can I change this situation and get a girl interested in me?
Q. I am a 20 year male and I have never had a girlfriend/had sex. My first question is, is this normal? I feel it is not because I am surrounded by people in relationships, or at least have had their first kiss by now and I just feel this emptines...
A. 10 February 2013: Don't concern yourself about it that's how. You place too much emphasis on being in a relationship or "hooking up". I realize that seeing your friends all have something that you desperately want is difficult to deal with, but the simple truth of ... (read in full...)
How can I learn to be as confident with men as my friend is?
Q. I don't know how my best friend does it, she's so confident when it comes to guys and I have no idea how she can do the things she does and is unfazed about rejection or anything! When I moved into halls for my first year of university we lived to...
A. 9 February 2013: Confidence is about knowing who you are and why you are the way you are. By knowing who you are and why, you can validate yourself and don't need others to validate you.
I'm willing to bet that your friend doesn't look at the situations you desc... (read in full...)
What are the key factors to keep a Gf interested? I'm afraid my Gf will eventually lose interest in me
Q. a simple question, i'm a very nice guy. too much of it. i please my gf in every single way but im afraid she eventually, with time, will have taken me for granted and lose interest. what are the key factors to keep her interested?...
A. 4 February 2013: If you wan't to PM me, I will give you some details about how to make your transformation. Being a jerk does not come easy when you are a schmuck and there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it.... (read in full...)
Met a gorgeous guy on the train but he has a girlfriend!
Q. Hello Everyone This Week I met a guy. The way I met him and started talking seems like it belongs in a movie. Basically I was waiting in the train station waiting for my train number to be announced. When they finally called it I headed down the ...
A. 3 February 2013: So the fact that he has a girlfriend doesn't really matter to you because he's gorgeous? Ok. If the roles were reversed and you were his girlfriend and she was the wannabe, would you still be Ok with it?
If you're good with that scenario... (read in full...)
What are the key factors to keep a Gf interested? I'm afraid my Gf will eventually lose interest in me
Q. a simple question, i'm a very nice guy. too much of it. i please my gf in every single way but im afraid she eventually, with time, will have taken me for granted and lose interest. what are the key factors to keep her interested?...
A. 3 February 2013: Depends on what kind of "nice" guy you are. I used to be a "nice" guy, but then I learned the power of the dark side and realized that I wasn't a "nice" guy, I was a schmuck. I let girls walk all over me and they would eventually lose respect for ... (read in full...)
Mothers out there. Do you feel overwhelmed by being a wife And Mom? How do I ensure I'm not swamped by it all?
Q. Hi, I need help to all Mothers out there. Do you feel overwhelmed by being a wife And Mom? I feel guilty to even say it aloud but some days I feel like I'm failing. I work full time come home cook, clean, play with my son listen to my husband ...
A. 2 February 2013: You say your husband is demanding. Do you think his demands are fair and do you feel obligated to meet them? Does he acquiesce to your demands?
Demanding people are often bullies. Is your husband a bully?... (read in full...)
I feel uncomfortable still living at home at 27 but its a necessity right now. Any advice?
Q. I am currently 27 and living with my parents. I am doing it while I sort out my finances which are a mess (long story short, I took out a loan with my ex fiancé to help him clear his massive debts but he committed suicide shortly afterwards leaving ...
A. 2 February 2013: You took a risk to help your Fiancee' and you trusted that it would all work out. That decision was a good decision even though it didn't work out the way you hoped it would. It must have been devastating for you, yet here you are today making no ... (read in full...)
Does barely legal porn set a trigger for middle-aged men when young teenage girls come into their visual range
Q. My boyfriend of 51 years of age likes Barely Legal Porn. That is the only type of porn he likes. He buys the cd's and also the Barely Legal Magazines. He tags the magazine pages with sticky notes of the young girls that he likes. What I have no...
A. 30 January 2013: RI got it right. He likes young girls and you are just trying to avoid that truth by hoping for the porn to be the cause. Nope. Sorry. You have yourself a bit of a creep there. Don't be swayed by whatever charm he uses to make you think he's ... (read in full...)
He's 24. I told him I was 18. How can I tell him the truth that I'm 17 and not lose him when I do tell?
Q. Hello, I'm 17 years old and iv met a guy and we have been seeing each other for about a month and we really like each other. However, I told him I was 18 as we met in a bar that I got into. He's 24. I want to tell him that I'm actually 17,...
A. 30 January 2013: You really don't know what to do? Don't hand me none of that BS, you know EXACTLY what you should do, you're just trying to turn this into some big dilemma because you are focused on the wrong things. This has got NOTHING to do with him, this is ... (read in full...)
Hate my toxic work place, where cheating is the norm. How can people cheat and not feel guilty?
Q. I am really hating my workplace at the moment I feel that its really poisoness. Everyone seems to be cheating on everyone else and I am the only who seems to think its disgusting. One girl at work was giving me all this relationship advice with my ...
A. 30 January 2013: No, you're not wrong, assuming of course that these people are not in open relationships. However, that's not very likely. These people are bad because they are untrustworthy.
They probably don't even think of themselves as untrustw... (read in full...)
Caught fiancee cheating whilst I was pregnant now I am sleeping with his boss
Q. Me and my now EX fiance where dating for 1 and a half years and i became pregnant and we were excited but 6 months into my pregnancy i came home early from my part time job as i wasn't feeling to good so i come home and i hear him shouting out my ...
A. 27 January 2013: You may not want him to hurt your daughter, but there is nothing you can do about it because you can't control his behavior. All you can do is take him to court and make him pay to support his child, you can't force him to care about her or love ... (read in full...)
For peace of mind, do you think he hates me or is he hurt that I moved on so quickly?
Q. I split up with my long term boyfriend (2 year, 7 months)a couple of weeks before Christmas. I spent two weeks crying over him, missing him and his presence terribly, missing the all day conversations we used to have. I knew the break up was for the ...
A. 27 January 2013: Yes he hates you.
I think he told you what he told you at first because he didn't want to make a big scene and there was nothing he could do to change your mind, so he played it cool and said nice things. However, that is not what he was feeling ... (read in full...)
Caught fiancee cheating whilst I was pregnant now I am sleeping with his boss
Q. Me and my now EX fiance where dating for 1 and a half years and i became pregnant and we were excited but 6 months into my pregnancy i came home early from my part time job as i wasn't feeling to good so i come home and i hear him shouting out my ...
A. 27 January 2013: Q) What is wrong with him?
A) He is a self absorbed, narcissistic, douche.
Q) Should me and my boyfriend go public?
A) Why not?
Q) Why is my ex ignoring his daughter?
A) Because he is a self absorbed, narcissistic, douche.
Q) Am I doing anythin... (read in full...)
Searched signs of cheating on the internet and she's hitting them all. What should I do or think? She's done it in the past.
Q. do you think because shes cheated and dumped me numerous times for other guys n a girl in the past that she could be hiding it and doing it still weve talked about the past and i still am hurt from the facts of the past, hell i might have a complex ...
A. 26 January 2013: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Don't give cheaters second chances. It is better to be alone than be a doormat.... (read in full...)
Online date turned out to be much bigger than I expected. How do I let her know I am not physically attracted without hurting her?
Q. Hi so recently i set up a profile on a dating site. I was contacted by a girl that looked really cute. We talked for a bit exchanged phone numbers, and texted a bunch, she was really cool and we had some common interests. We met up recently and i ...
A. 26 January 2013: Just tell her that you're sorry but she isn't your type and you don't want to lead her on. If she presses you, just tell her that you enjoyed the conversation, but didn't feel the spark. Don't offer anything else up even if she suggests that you ... (read in full...)
Gf sending dirty texts to another man
Q. Hi, I've been with my gf for nearly 3 years, it's had it's ups and downs but we've got through them, between us we have 4 children, she has 3 girls I have one boy. The two youngest girls dad left when the youngest was born, and hasn't been around ...
A. 24 January 2013: Break up with her. I wouldn't bother confronting her with the info. I mean, do you really need to confirm it with her after reading the texts? Just tell her that you are breaking up because your feelings have faded and it's time to move on. If ... (read in full...)
How to cope when told your husband doesn't love you the same as he used to? A 40 year marriage down the drain?
Q. After almost 40 years of what I thought was a happy marriage my 62 year old husband said he needed space and I spent all my time and energy on the family and looking after the grand children, he felt lonely. We had had our daughter, her husband and ...
A. 23 January 2013: I agree with So_Very_Confused and Paula4U suggestions regarding finances.
I think he is acting foolishly. I think he is having an ego trip because this other woman is paying attention to him and his sob story.
When I made my first post, I be... (read in full...)
How do I get over constantly feeling anxious about my husband working with so many girls who idolize him?
Q. My husband and I have been together for five years. Three years into our relationship, he got a new job. He manages a store, with a lot of employees. He works closely with a lot of females, all of which of course idolize him as he's the boss. One ...
A. 23 January 2013: To the OP:
I was being blunt, not judgmental. Given the information presented in your post I clearly outlined my thoughts about it and advised accordingly.
I am pretty well known on this site for my intolerance of cheaters. Usually I am pretty ... (read in full...)
How to cope when told your husband doesn't love you the same as he used to? A 40 year marriage down the drain?
Q. After almost 40 years of what I thought was a happy marriage my 62 year old husband said he needed space and I spent all my time and energy on the family and looking after the grand children, he felt lonely. We had had our daughter, her husband and ...
A. 22 January 2013: I think you can fix it. I agree with Stacily and So_Very_Confused here. 40 years is a long time and I think you both just let family get in the way of your own life together. It will take time.
I think you will need to do more than just hav... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's parents really hate me!
Q. My boyfriends parents hate me! they tried to tell him lies about me and saying stuff they knew will hurt him. when they realised he didn't buy anything they were saying they decided to keep him away from me which means holding him hostage, then they ...
A. 21 January 2013: When you refer to having a future together, I am assuming that you mean marriage. Marriage is hard enough when the parents like you, but it is extremely hard when they hate you.
You will never get a moment's peace from parents that hate you and ... (read in full...)
How do I get over constantly feeling anxious about my husband working with so many girls who idolize him?
Q. My husband and I have been together for five years. Three years into our relationship, he got a new job. He manages a store, with a lot of employees. He works closely with a lot of females, all of which of course idolize him as he's the boss. One ...
A. 21 January 2013: I think you should consider getting professional counseling to help you get over your anxiety. I can understand you feeling insecure about 1 girl, but feeling insecure about all of the girls and thinking that they all idolize him is just not a ... (read in full...)
Would you choose a marriage that is primarily a friendship?
Q. Would you choose a marriage based on friendship? I mean, the kind where there is no crazy, "can't live without you" love. Maybe no real physical attraction. Your just two friends. Would you call it settling? Or is it almost just as good,...
A. 21 January 2013: I agree with Cerberus on this, but I want to elaborate a little more...
Romantic feelings of love and physical attraction are important to a marriage, however, commitment is more important than anything else in a marriage. Love, physical attracti... (read in full...)
Had a pleasant coffee together, then he left the ball in my court
Q. Hi everyone. i would like some thoughts into this situation. I went a guy online and over the weekend we met for coffee. We ended up talking for about an hour or so. It wasn't magical sparks flying everywhere, but it was a nice conversation. ...
A. 21 January 2013: What's so confusing? He knows there weren't any sparks, but he also knows that it was pleasant and worth another date. He's just not sure how you felt about it, so left it up to you to call. If you're interested in another date, you'll call. If ... (read in full...)
Does my older fitness instructor have a crush on me?
Q. I am starting to wonder if my fitness instructor is crushing on me? He is 15 years older than me. Lately he has been trying to strike up conversations with me more. He is always smiling at me and laughing at everything I say. I always catch him ...
A. 21 January 2013: Some people don't understand the flirty girl type and mistake the flirting for interest. As long as you aren't uncomfortable with his behavior and he doesn't escalate it, then just continue as normal. However, if his behavior is bothersome to you ... (read in full...)
How do I deal with my controlling and emotionally abusive wife?
Q. My wife is controlling and emotionally abusive. She is also very generous, but then uses the generosity as a way to martyr herself. She always thinks no one understands how "bad" she has it, owning her own business, me in graduate school, and with ...
A. 21 January 2013: You don't deal with it. You divorce her.
In the meantime, while you are waiting for the divorce, you might as well have some fun. When she martyrs herself, call her on it. One of my personal favorites: Tell her that her martyrdom doesn't ... (read in full...)
Have I lost her forever?
Q. i met this girl 8 months ago and we have been going out for the past 6 months. i loved her and she loved me back, we had a great relationship we really cared about each other's feelings. we both had never been in a relationship before she is 24 and ...
A. 21 January 2013: She is sad about the pain she is causing you. She is also sad about having to take this step of leaving you. Lastly, since it is her first relationship, she is sad that you weren't the one.
She didn't come to this decision lightly. She came to ... (read in full...)
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