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*ode Warrior agony aunt

*ode Warrior

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*ode Warrior's profile:

I have been married for 30 years. I am happily married but think a lot about relationships. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and be a better husband for my wife.

However, this wasn't always the case. I came close to losing my wife as I was not a good husband for a very long time. Of course, relationships are a two way street, and she was not perfect either.

A few years ago, I decided to drop all of my grievances and devote myself to making her happy without saying anything to her. I just started doing things - helping around the house - getting back in shape - all kinds of little things. I spent nearly a year doing this without saying anything or asking anything in return.

One day she asked me what was going on so I told her. She expressed her doubts that I would keep it up and did not trust me. That was understandable, so I told her that I would continue to love her and devote myself to her and I asked that she try dropping her grievances and just focus on devoting herself to me. I promised that things would get better in time, but the key was to give up her grievances. We will never be happy if we force the other to suffer punishment for thier minor misdeeds.

She decided to give up her grievances against me and she tried to devote herself to me. Over the intervening years things have gotten much better. They are not perfect, but we are happy again.

I am not perfect and I suffer from relapses of my old self, but they only last for a day or two and then I kick myself in the butt and get myself moving in the right direction again. She accepts these relapses because she trusts that it will not last long and she warns me if I am not acting fast enough. She has similar issues and I give her the same space to get back on track.

We are both human. We are not perfect. We love each other anyway. I tell people about this and they come back to me for relationship advice.

I bring this and other experience to the table. Hopefully people will find my advice useful.

Latest articles:

Deliberations on beauty at a high school football game.

This question has 4 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 September 2009: My son's high school football game is being played on a cool October Friday night and we are losing. The parents of the players are all watching it, their hopes of college scholarships fading with every increase in the score. All intently watching ...

What is confidence and how do I get it?

This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

5 September 2009: I wrote this response to a person asking essentially the same question some time ago. I keep finding that I refer readers to it, so I thought it might make a good how to guide on self confidence. All of it was copied from my post, and modified ...

1234567891011Next > [39 pages, 1523 answers]

How do I deal with my husband's jealousy?

Q.   Hi this may seem like a pointless post but it’s really bothering me I’ve been with my partner for 8 years we have a 4 year old daughter whenever I’m playing a game or tickling her or even reading to her he makes stupid comments as though I’m not ...

A.   23 June 2019: At first glance, it doesn't sound like jealousy to me, it sounds more to me like he's engaging in hipster bullshit. He sounds like a man who thinks that displays of affection with children aren't edgy and hip and if he engages in such activities ... (read in full...)

Why does a man with a perfect girlfriend still feel the need to have sex with someone else?

Q.   I'd like to know WHY a man can have sex with two women at the same time? I don't mean a threesome. But having two sexual relationships concurrently. One of the relationships is with a woman he's been with for 6 years and he supposedly loves...

A.   22 June 2019: I can't stand cheaters. He should've broken up with his perfect girlfriend before he had sex with the other woman. But if I had to guess, he's a selfish asshole, but, chances are, he doesn't think his girlfriend is as perfect as you think she is.... (read in full...)

Why is there so much pressure for women to stay youthful?

Q.   As I am getting older I’m finding that outside influences make me conscious of my aging and like there is somehow something wrong with me or less attractive about me because I’m a woman getting older. It seems that every se one ad on is about how to ...

A.   21 June 2019: Are you sure that outside influences are making you conscious of your age, or were you already conscious about your age and are just selectively noticing things that reinforce your pre-existing view? It's easy to confuse cause and effect. I'm 5... (read in full...)

Do I tell my husband that his adult daughter is putting terrible things about him on social media?

Q.   Do I tell my husband or not that his adult daughter is putting nasty things on social media about him, things like he's not been around for years and other horrible stuff, which is untrue we took her out for dinner last weekend! I am assuming it's ...

A.   21 June 2019: It's fashionable to claim victim status these days and that's exactly what his daughter is doing. She should NOT be allowed to get away with it. You need to take screen shots so that his daughter can't delete the things she's written and claim th... (read in full...)

Should I stay and see how we can manage this for the sake of love or should I walk away?

Q.   Hi there, I am in a very difficult situation right now, due to the fact that my boyfriend is dealing with something very hard for him, my boyfriend is older than (quite older) I am 30, he is 47, he is divorced from 6 years ago, he came to this ...

A.   17 June 2019: He made a commitment to look after her and he's living up to his commitment. He made that clear to you from the beginning and you chose to get involved with him anyway. Now that you see what that means, you find it intolerable. That's completely ... (read in full...)

I am upset that my friend is moving and I don't know what to say to her

Q.   I'm in a really bad mood with my friend because she is moving. She is going to her bfs country to visit family. I haven't spoke to her in a few weeks because I'm really annoyed and I don't want to lose my friend but I know she will go and I don't ...

A.   17 June 2019: I understand that it's upsetting to lose your only friend, but, sometimes, being a friend means putting on a brave face and supporting even if your heart is breaking. Insted of being angry with your friend, wish her well and let her know that you ... (read in full...)

I broke it off with my lover but miss him terribly.

Q.   I am in a marriage and I’m very very happy with my husband we’ve been together for the past 20 years, we decided that due to our own dysfunctional upbringings we would create a wonderful loving safe environment for us and our children to live in ...

A.   15 June 2019: Don't get me wrong here, it's clear to me that you're contrite and you're accepting responsibility for your actions. I respect that and it's not my intention to beat you up further, but when you say things like you didn't set out to hurt anyone, ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend constantly quits jobs and I'm tired of picking up the financial slack

Q.   Been together almost 5 yrs. We live together and have a joint bank account. I have been working for the same company for 2 years now, full time, doing about 50 hrs per week. About one year ago he suddenly quit the job he had been with for a long ...

A.   14 June 2019: My condolences on your grandfather and I'm sorry to hear about your mother's cancer. I hope she pulls through! Your friend gave you excellent advice. Yes, it's a pain to do all that, but you'll be better off in the long run to be rid of your boa... (read in full...)

I broke it off with my lover but miss him terribly.

Q.   I am in a marriage and I’m very very happy with my husband we’ve been together for the past 20 years, we decided that due to our own dysfunctional upbringings we would create a wonderful loving safe environment for us and our children to live in ...

A.   14 June 2019: Either live with your pain and ruin your own life, or tell the truth and ruin your life as well as your husband's and children's lives. While I commend you for ending your betrayal, I can't sympathize with your heartbreak as it was born from an act ... (read in full...)

How do I deal with post-breakup loneliness?

Q.   My ex-fiance and I were together for three years. I was very upset and lost shortly after the breakup. However, as soon as I moved out a few days later, I was neutral/happy. The pressure had been lifted and this neutral/lighthearted feeling lasted ...

A.   13 June 2019: Let your grief run its course. When you're feeling down, let yourself experience it - just don't do anything foolish. Try to pick yourself back up after each spell of grief. Don't beat yourself up over it, but, at the same time, don't let it ... (read in full...)

Why am I always the runner up?

Q.   Why am I always runner up? I don't date much - in fact in the last few years I hardly dated at all, but the last three men I was involved with all chose someone else over me. The first went back to his ex, the second chose to date my friend instead ...

A.   13 June 2019: Flipping a coin is 50-50 over a large number of flips. However, within that series of flips runs of 3 or 4 consecutive heads or tails are fairly common. 3 straight 2nd place finishes do not a trend make. Continue to be who you are and the law of ... (read in full...)

My husband had a sexual fling while I was mourning the loss of my father. How do I get past this?

Q.   My father died last year. It was a tough time for me and still is. We were very close. I found out recently that my husband of 6 years was having a "fling" with an old friend while I was mourning my dad's loss. It wasn't a full blown affair. It was ...

A.   12 June 2019: I'd say he's a selfish asshole. You can forgive him, and you should, because holding on to that anger is bad for you. However, forgiving doesn't mean that you foolishly forget what he did, nor does it mean that there's no consequences, it simply ... (read in full...)

Is it true that if you cant be happy on your own, then you wont be happy in a relationship?

Q.   I am sure you guys have heard the saying " if you cant be happy on your own you wont be happy in a relationship" in your guys opinion do you believe that this is true. If someone isn't happy with there life and who they are and they just keep j...

A.   10 June 2019: Nobody can make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. That's true regardless of your relationship status.... (read in full...)

How can I deal with judgmental and snobbish people in my place of work?

Q.   I work in a engineering firm and I have come across a group. Of people two men and some of the woman that seem to be judgmental of where people live and the city they were raised. I live in a major city in the US near New York and like every city ...

A.   10 June 2019: "I would like to not take these comments personally but I do - any advice ?" It's clear to me that you've allowed yourself to become ashamed of your past. I take pride in my past and wear the insults of elitists as badges of honor. You can choo... (read in full...)

How can I help her deal with an abusive ex?

Q.   So I've recently met a girl and we have started seeing each other. It's going well and I like her a lot. She recently confided in me though that her ex boyfriend was abusive towards her. She told me that he was generally a very angry person who ...

A.   10 June 2019: What do you do? Nothing. If she wants to open up about it then listen. Don't pry, don't offer advice, and don't act like you're her knight in shining armor. You're not. Did she just bring up her abused past out of the blue? Regardle... (read in full...)

Is it possible for beauty to love the beast?

Q.   I am posting this question partly out of my own insecurities but also because some people are talking behind my back. I am a virgin who is in his first relationship. My girlfriend is a friend from school who got divorced not too long ago. I used to ...

A.   5 June 2019: Hope for the best, be prepared to deal with the worst. If your relationship is based on your money, then it should be clear from what you've been doing with her. If you're always buying her things, or she suggests things she'd like you to buy f... (read in full...)

I feel my husband is using me financially

Q.   I don’t have anyone I can ask for advice that won’t be bias in either my favor or my husband’s favor. This might be long, but I’ll try to condense this. My husband and I are both in our late 20s. We have a daughter together. We’ve been together a ...

A.   1 June 2019: If this sounds harsh, good, it's supposed to sound that way. You're not entitled to anything. If you have debts and bills, then you pay them all before you even think about desires. No, You're not entitled to get your nails done or hair cut. No ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is illegally in my country, wants to marry me so he can stay on and is planning our wedding which is going to happen in a week!

Q.   Hi everyone, I have a situation. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and he does everything for me and my kids. We first met online, he had come from a far country to visit me and he decided not to go back to his country. So now he has ...

A.   1 June 2019: Tell him to hit the road. How dare he assume that he can just plan to marry you without your input. Screw him. If you go through with this, then it's on you. He got with you for exactly this reason because you're an easy mark. You should'v... (read in full...)

I'm married and am infatuated with a man who is also in a relationship

Q.   I am a married woman and I have developed an infatuation with another man. He is in a relationship too. I don’t know a great deal about him but I know he too fancies me. He has made it clear and has asked me out. I have never been unfaithful ...

A.   29 May 2019: You're horny and this guy's giving you attention that you've been craving and you're mistaking that for some connection. Instead of dwelling on this guy you should be putting that energy into fixing your marriage. Both you and your husband have ... (read in full...)

I think I really insulted my bf....how should I fix this?

Q.   A few days ago my bf came home from work and he came into our bedroom where I was reading/studying and to get my attention he took his penis out and wanted me to play with it....I told him to go away bc I was busy. When he came back to bed a few ...

A.   28 May 2019: I get the whole gross out thing. Not washing up prior is really disgusting. In addition, just pulling his dick out and expecting to be serviced as if you're his sex worker is a really big turn off. So, I can understand why you got upset with ... (read in full...)

Toxic mother relationship during pregnancy

Q.   Ever since I was a child I have been blamed for everything that as gone wrong in my mothers life. Labelled a difficult child, spoilt, etc. Blamed for the break down of her marriage, (even though domestic violence and my fathers infidelity was a ...

A.   25 May 2019: I had a similar situation with one of my aunts, and, if I were you, I would severly restrict or possibly even terminate my relationship with my mother. I would not tolerate being blamed, nor would I tolerate being shouted at, I don't care who the ... (read in full...)

Should I feel (too) embarrassed about my teaching mistake?

Q.   Hi..This is a question unrelated to dating/relationship.. I come from a non-English speaking country, and I have a degree in this language, which I have been teaching for 14 years now. Two months or so ago, I started teaching beginners — sha...

A.   24 May 2019: LOL! Yeah, all that went through my mind in a second or two! It just goes to show how easy it can be for someone to misinterpret things and why context is so important when evaluating statements. I'm glad it was just me choosing the wrong ... (read in full...)

Should I feel (too) embarrassed about my teaching mistake?

Q.   Hi..This is a question unrelated to dating/relationship.. I come from a non-English speaking country, and I have a degree in this language, which I have been teaching for 14 years now. Two months or so ago, I started teaching beginners — sha...

A.   23 May 2019: You wrote: "Not really feeling in a good mood, even before entering class, I blurted out the worst reply [to him], in me saying:Yes, ‘toe’ refer to the big digit of the foot, whereas the others are called fingers”. The sentence you wrote can be... (read in full...)

Should I feel (too) embarrassed about my teaching mistake?

Q.   Hi..This is a question unrelated to dating/relationship.. I come from a non-English speaking country, and I have a degree in this language, which I have been teaching for 14 years now. Two months or so ago, I started teaching beginners — sha...

A.   23 May 2019: While I echo chigirl's post, I think you should feel ashamed of it. Being snarky with someone that hasn't insulted you and looks up to you as an authority isn't cool. If your feeling of shame is strong enough to prevent a future recurrence of ... (read in full...)

Why did he suddenly back off?

Q.   Hi I wondered if you could give your thoughts on why this man has suddenly stopped texting me - January he messaged me started texting frequently and then one night after a higher out he rang and told me he liked me and would I go out for a drink ...

A.   23 May 2019: Sounds to me like he considered what you said about it being too soon and concluded that you were right, so he backed off.... (read in full...)

I think I was used by this person and now they got what they wanted they dropped me

Q.   Hi, over the last 7 months I have become very friendly with a former work colleague. During this time I have given up a large portion of my time helping them getting a new job. I would spend my time going through job specifications with them and ...

A.   23 May 2019: I agree with N91 and chigirl and chigirl makes an excellent point about the motivation for helping someone. If you're helping someone out of the goodness of your heart, then no repayment should be expected. If you're helping someone with the ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend doesn't want sex as much and its starting to bother me

Q.   I have been with my boyfriend a couple of years and we do love each other, our sex life I would say is pretty good. We dont live together and see each other 3 nights per week. But the past few weeks on a Sunday evening we have not had sex as usual ...

A.   23 May 2019: If you're doing it a couple of times per week then I'd think everything is OK and he's really just tired when he says no. If he starts saying no every time and you start going a couple of weeks without, then there's some kind of issue that you will ... (read in full...)

I can't stand my partner's family but I can't ask him to give them up. What can I do?

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for some years now. We have 3 children together. He has 4, another from a previous relationship that he never gets to see because things ended badly. So when we first got together, he vaguely referenced his family b...

A.   22 May 2019: "We recently moved nearby and I have to interact with them a lot now. " Why?... (read in full...)

My boyfriend doesn't want sex as much and its starting to bother me

Q.   I have been with my boyfriend a couple of years and we do love each other, our sex life I would say is pretty good. We dont live together and see each other 3 nights per week. But the past few weeks on a Sunday evening we have not had sex as usual ...

A.   21 May 2019: If you're having sex every night you meet except for the last couple of Sundays then I'd say yes, you're being unreasonable. If the only day you have sex is on Sunday, then it's hard to know for sure. There might be cause for concern, but then ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend dumped me he said he couldn't be himself with me

Q.   Dear cupid, My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, like every couple weve had our ups and downs but love each other greatly. We were living together and decided to not renew our lease because we wanted to buy a house together s...

A.   21 May 2019: I like to say that I choose to love a person when their good qualities outweigh their bad qualities and their bad qualities are things I can live with. If I can't live with a person's bad qualities then I won't have them in my life. That way, I'm ... (read in full...)

I broke it off ... so how come he hasn't unfriended me on facebook?

Q.   Hi, i need some advise. I broke up with my LDR bf of 3 months ,this weekend sent him message on facebook that i want to break up with him and he just said he respect ny decision. But he never unfriend or even blocked me on facebook. Why you think ...

A.   20 May 2019: Sounds like you thought you were the most important thing in his life and now you're upset that he didn't really give a shit. Are men supposed to cry and beg when you break up with them in order to validate your importance in their life? Nobody ... (read in full...)

I have doubts about my fiance.

Q.   Hi, I’m not sure about if I should be with my fiancé or not. I feel because I ask the question that it should be the obvious answer. But I don’t know if my expectations are just wrong. I’ve been with him for 10 years, we have a house together. ...

A.   20 May 2019: On the one hand, it's not up to other people to make you feel good about yourself and make you happy. On the other hand, you should feel valued by your significant other. You've been together for 10 years and you're both taking each other fo... (read in full...)

I don't know how to deal with people who ignore other's worries while making theirs sound worse than they are

Q.   How do you all deal with people who like to make a mountain out of their molehill and when they encounter people who have actually overcome a mountain they act uncomfortable or belittle that person's experience? It's so upsetting to have a serious ...

A.   20 May 2019: Aren't you doing the same thing to them? You're assuming that the problems they overcame aren't as serious as the problems that you overcame. Are you sure your problems were mountains? You never really know. A mountain for one person might be... (read in full...)

My boyfriend stares at and approaches other women, it makes me uncomfortable.

Q.   my boyfriend keeps looking at other women when we are out and ive seen him literally turn his neck to side and stare for ages at other women also he goes up to women on theyre own and chats to them about anything usually starting with theyre dog to ...

A.   20 May 2019: Why is this guy still your boyfriend?... (read in full...)

We're both unhappy in our marriages and have a long history. Should we have sex?

Q.   When I was a teenager While visiting family i met a boy, through high school we crushed back and forth on each other secretly and living in different ends of the country made it impossible for anything to happen. As young adults be told me he liked ...

A.   20 May 2019: It appears that you already made the decision to meet loverboy and if things turn sexual then you're fine with that outcome. You've already justified the betrayal in your mind and, in your opinion, your husband deserves it because you're not 100% ... (read in full...)

We're both unhappy in our marriages and have a long history. Should we have sex?

Q.   When I was a teenager While visiting family i met a boy, through high school we crushed back and forth on each other secretly and living in different ends of the country made it impossible for anything to happen. As young adults be told me he liked ...

A.   19 May 2019: Ah yes, you were just joking about the sex. Yeah, right. Why then, are you even asking if meeting him is a mistake? How could it be a mistake to meet an old flame for an innocent night of fun? Could it be that you think that the "joke" will turn ... (read in full...)

We're both unhappy in our marriages and have a long history. Should we have sex?

Q.   When I was a teenager While visiting family i met a boy, through high school we crushed back and forth on each other secretly and living in different ends of the country made it impossible for anything to happen. As young adults be told me he liked ...

A.   19 May 2019: Oh look another person who thinks that a planned out deliberate act of betrayal is the same thing as making a "mistake". No, it's not a mistake, it's an act of evil by a pair of narcissistic, selfish, and untrustworthy people who want to equate ... (read in full...)

My husband looks at young women in porn and tells me I should just be happy he's still having sex with me despite my shortcomings

Q.   My husband looks at porn of women around 18- 20 . I’m entering menopause and feeling extremely depressed about my changes to my body such as less elasticity and lubrication wrinkles etc . I’m fit and healthy but nothing makes me as young as the ...

A.   17 May 2019: I think that I'd have to divorce someone who said those kind of mean things to me. I personally don't care about the porn watching, but the attitude toward you is unacceptable. I might make some snide remarks about his physique and laugh at him if ... (read in full...)

Is it ok to have sex with my aunt who's now divorced from my uncle?

Q.   My non-biological aunt and I are considering a sexual relationship. She divorced my uncle about 8 months ago and got completely cut off from my family until I messaged her. We have gone on a few "dates" and been sexual but only with our hands (i.e. ...

A.   17 May 2019: I seriously doubt this will end well and is likely to cause problems in your family. It may be biologically and legally OK, but that doesn't mean it's wise. I can just imagine the two of you having to deny to the rest of the family that something ... (read in full...)

I don't want my ex to go back with his former ex!

Q.   My ex and I split up 3 months ago. We have 2 children together that he still sees regular;y. I didnt want to split and I still love him but we argued too much and our relationship became so toxic it had to end. But now his ex-fiance, who h...

A.   16 May 2019: You have zero right to dictate ANYTHING to him. Your relationship failed more than likely because of the kinds of behaviors you're exhibiting now. Envy, jealousy, and vindictiveness are evil traits. Continue down this path and you will become ... (read in full...)

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