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*ode Warrior agony aunt

*ode Warrior

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*ode Warrior's profile:

I have been married for 30 years. I am happily married but think a lot about relationships. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and be a better husband for my wife.

However, this wasn't always the case. I came close to losing my wife as I was not a good husband for a very long time. Of course, relationships are a two way street, and she was not perfect either.

A few years ago, I decided to drop all of my grievances and devote myself to making her happy without saying anything to her. I just started doing things - helping around the house - getting back in shape - all kinds of little things. I spent nearly a year doing this without saying anything or asking anything in return.

One day she asked me what was going on so I told her. She expressed her doubts that I would keep it up and did not trust me. That was understandable, so I told her that I would continue to love her and devote myself to her and I asked that she try dropping her grievances and just focus on devoting herself to me. I promised that things would get better in time, but the key was to give up her grievances. We will never be happy if we force the other to suffer punishment for thier minor misdeeds.

She decided to give up her grievances against me and she tried to devote herself to me. Over the intervening years things have gotten much better. They are not perfect, but we are happy again.

I am not perfect and I suffer from relapses of my old self, but they only last for a day or two and then I kick myself in the butt and get myself moving in the right direction again. She accepts these relapses because she trusts that it will not last long and she warns me if I am not acting fast enough. She has similar issues and I give her the same space to get back on track.

We are both human. We are not perfect. We love each other anyway. I tell people about this and they come back to me for relationship advice.

I bring this and other experience to the table. Hopefully people will find my advice useful.

Latest articles:

Deliberations on beauty at a high school football game.

This question has 4 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 September 2009: My son's high school football game is being played on a cool October Friday night and we are losing. The parents of the players are all watching it, their hopes of college scholarships fading with every increase in the score. All intently watching ...

What is confidence and how do I get it?

This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

5 September 2009: I wrote this response to a person asking essentially the same question some time ago. I keep finding that I refer readers to it, so I thought it might make a good how to guide on self confidence. All of it was copied from my post, and modified ...

1234567891011Next > [32 pages, 1221 answers]

I overheard my wife saying that her ex was the best sex she'd ever had and now my ego is shattered!

Q.   So my ego has been devastated and I really don’t know how to handle this. Turns out I’m not the best sex my wife has ever had. Any advice is appreciated. About a week ago my wife had one of her friends at our house for some drinks. After ha...

A.   11 July 2018: To quote Colonel Jessup in A Few Good Men: "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Son, we live in a world where sexual prowess has an overly inflated level of importance, and that sexual prowess has to be propped up by women and their orgasms. So, wh... (read in full...)

I'm married he's married why can't I just walk away?

Q.   I am married and have been with a married man for 4 and a half years. He has continually asked me to marry him, sent me houses online and tells me that we are ‘one’ and meant to be . I have asked him to leave and be with me and he says he is not ...

A.   10 July 2018: "Why do I seem to lack the strength to walk away?" Because you lack discipline. Because You're selfish. Because you're untrustworthy. Brecause you're dishonest. Because you're needy. Because you're lazy. Because you're a betrayer and a ba... (read in full...)

I think I'm a great catch so why don't more guys go after me?

Q.   I’m in my early 20’s and I’ve been single for a few months now, and I’m having a hard time figuring out why guys don’t really approach me when I go out nor message me. Even on dating apps like Tinder, I don’t have as many guys as I’d like try to ...

A.   10 July 2018: "on dating apps like Tinder, I don’t have as many guys as I’d like try to message me first." "I look like a model." "I’m in great shape" "I have a lot going for me" "I’m not cocky at all but I feel like I’m a great catch." "Is it so... (read in full...)

I'm wasting the prime of my life. What should I do?

Q.   Hello all, I've been in a rut for 8 years now and can't shift it. I'm alive but not living I guess. I have no drive or ambition. I can't remember the last time I thought yes I really wanna do this. Problem is I don't know what I want nothing ...

A.   6 July 2018: The best job advice I ever got was when I was in a rut at work and thinking about finding a new job. One of my co-workers told me that, for the next 30 days, I should just ignore my feelings and work as hard as I can. If, at the end of that 30 ... (read in full...)

He’s ignoring me all of a sudden! How do I react?

Q.   I’m 27 from UK and recently reconnected with my ex from 7 years ago who I broke up with. We had an amazing couple of days together rekindling and we’ve been very romantic since. Awkward part - he lives in America right now for work. He has men...

A.   6 July 2018: If I'm understanding this correctly, you were going to fly to the U.S. to have a date with him, then thought better of it, and wanted him to fly to the U.K. to have a date first, then you would fly to the U.S. after that for the next date? I gue... (read in full...)

I fear that he has grown controlling, though he says that I am too sensitive.

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We are both 23 and met in our first year of university. I did not take uni seriously initially and ended up failing and being suspended for 2 years for it. I was struggling financially and relied on ...

A.   30 June 2018: He not only doesn't respect you, he has contempt for you, and that's not going to change. People who think it's ok to control perfectly normal people for their own good are the most evil people on the planet. There's a special place in hell ... (read in full...)

Boyfriend's close friend from his highschool group is obsessed with him and he's slept with her... And while she hates me, he won't stop hanging out with her

Q.   So my boyfriend has a really close friend group from highschool. 3 other guys and 3 girls and they have a groupchat they always text in and are always planning hangouts together. This one girl in his group has always been obsessed with him (i've ...

A.   30 June 2018: It's an immature and childish dynamic. He knows what's going on and he's not going to do anything about it. He might even be getting an ego boost out if it. He's a child. IMO, your relationship with him seems like more of a bother than it's wor... (read in full...)

I'm have an uncomfortable feeling about my girlfriend's stepfather who walks around in the nude and God knows what else is going on

Q.   Right so this all started one day when my girlfriend called me I thought nothing of it, she usally calls me 5 times a day but she mentioned her step dad how she feels “uncomfortable” with him cos he walked round the house naked or just in his ...

A.   30 June 2018: If you don't trust her thren break up with her. It sounds pretty creepy to me and I'd be inclined to think something's going on between them.... (read in full...)

How could my girlfriend move on from a 4 year relationship so quickly and already be with another man?

Q.   Two Weeks ago, my relationship of 4 years ended with my girlfriend. i have been devastated, things have not been good for a while, but i was willing to do whatever it took as i never saw myself being with anyone else. we have not been intimate in ...

A.   30 June 2018: How can she move on so quickly you ask? As YCBS stated, in her mind, she broke up with you months ago, she just didn't tell you about it until now. Chances are very high that she has been involved with the new guy for that time. It's very com... (read in full...)

Why do men want to show off?

Q.   I am back in the dating game after two years of not looking. For the first time in my life I am looking to actually pay attention to the red flags(previously when the signs read “wrong way”) I just kept going. I would say I am an attractive women...

A.   29 June 2018: The guys you've met that do that, in their experience, find that it's generally a successful strategy to make a reference to their standard of living. It just doesn't work on you. Not all men are the same.... (read in full...)

Is it normal to feel apathetic towards guys after a while?

Q.   Have you ever felt indifferent towards men for a long time after a bad relationship and constantly being looked over, and I say looked over because you don't even get close to being rejected. Is this even normal? My whole life I have been looked...

A.   28 June 2018: I think it's healthy for you to feel that way. It's best to be happy with your own life by yourself. You don't need to have a guy in your life. That being said, you may want to have a guy in your life, but that shouldn't turn into a need. My at... (read in full...)

I planned a trip with friends and now they are going on a day I can't go

Q.   I planned a trip to a theme park and invited a couple of friends. I was excited about this. Then one if those friend's invited another couple of friends. One of those friends can't go on the day I am going, so they are now going on another day that ...

A.   28 June 2018: That's pretty shitty of them and I'd probably dump them as friends for the following reasons: 1) Presuming that they coukd invite other people without asking you first. After all, you're the one hosting the event. 2) Presuming that they could ch... (read in full...)

My best friend is in love with me but I don't feel the same way and now I've lost my best and only friend because we're not even on talking terms

Q.   Me and my guy best friend has been friends for years. He confessed his feelings to me, he was in love with me too much. He would never leave a day without talking to me. I love him as my best friend. And i can't imagine myself not having him beside ...

A.   27 June 2018: It may sound trite, but time is the only cure for a broken heart. You're just going to have to muddle through. There's really no other way. I could tell you to try to distract yourself with hobbies and whatnot, and that might help a little bit, ... (read in full...)

I have had an extremely stifled upbringing but I want to break free by going to a college of my choice. How do I convince my authoritarian parents?

Q.   In our family, it has always just been assumed that we'd all go to college. I've never been the best student, but I've basically been average. I liked "electives" the best and I got the best grades in music and Spanish. Actually, I won the John ...

A.   27 June 2018: You don't convince them. It's unreasonable for you to even expect that you can convince them to give up their convictions. If you want to find yourself, then you'll have to move out and pay for your own life. You're old enough to do it. Most of... (read in full...)

Boyfriend tells me he doesn't want kids, I leave crying and I haven't heard from him since. How is he so cold?

Q.   My LDR boyfriend of a year and a half finally admitted to me that he had 100% decided that he doesn't want kids. I am 40, have frozen my eggs and most days I feel the incredible yearning for a family. I say "finally admitted" because he has k...

A.   27 June 2018: I agree with Honeypie. Although, I'd just make it clear. I'd text him and just say: "I'm considering us broken up. Goodbye." That way, at least it's clear to both of you that things are officially over. Don't misunderstand, I already think yo... (read in full...)

Am I mean to delete all our photos from his phone?

Q.   I plan to break up with my boyfriend but I don't want to let him know until I delete all our photos together from his phone. Am I mean to delete all our photos from his phone? I never wanted to take pictures with him in the first place because I ...

A.   26 June 2018: If I understand you correctly, you're concerned that he will use the photos as a trophy. You're concerned that they will be the evidence to back up a boast to other guys that's more or less the crude equivalent of: "Yeah, I hit that!" Has h... (read in full...)

I stole from my brother, how do I repair our relationship?

Q.   My youger brother, Justin, is 23 months youger than me. I am 35 years old and he is 33 years old. He have always been a good person (doing charity work, volunteering his time to different charities, est.). When I was in my late teens and early ...

A.   24 June 2018: The other aunts have covered out pretty well. However, I'd like to add that you should pay the money back to him with interest with an apology note for stealing it and your contact information regardless. In the note explain that you're trying to ... (read in full...)

What if I fail ......

Q.   Hello everyone! I am in the middle of some crazy studying because very soon I’ll be taking a competitive examination (if I pass I will have to take another three competitive examinations in the course of the next year) to upgrade my career and get a ...

A.   24 June 2018: You're connecting too many things to this exam. You've set it up so that your entire future depends on it. First of all, that's bullshit, second of all, don't ever allow ANYONE or ANYTHING to have that much power over your life. There is no re... (read in full...)

I love him but feel neglected.

Q.   Hi Aunts and Advisors :) Ive been dating, "Evan" going on 1 year. We worked together at a bar that I left soon after but we continued to date. He still works this hectic hospitality schedule. I have a day job. neither opus are "rich" people bu...

A.   24 June 2018: You could try talking too him about how you feel, but I get the impression that he's happy living that way, so I don't think it will work. I mean, give it a try, it might work for a short time, but I wouldn't pin my hopes on it lasting if I were ... (read in full...)

Is a B-cup too small?

Q.   Is B-cup too small? Everyone in my family has A-cup boobs, but I am a B-cup. I am not growing anymore, and all my friends and family make fun of me and call me flat. It hurts me a lot. So, on legitimate average? When is a boob size too small, or too ...

A.   22 June 2018: I agree with Honeypie. There is no right size. Every guy is different. Many men prefer smaller breasts. As far as getting your feelings hurt over comments on your breasts, sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you. ... (read in full...)

I am simultaneously unsatisfied and satisfied with my life, I need direction!

Q.   I am simultaneously unsatisfied/satisfied with my life. I have a bf whom I love, who does a lot for me and our 3 kids. But, sometimes he has a temper. He gets verbally abusive, not in a nasty way, but in a snippy sort of critiquing way. I've tak...

A.   22 June 2018: You haven't provided enough information. Why are you living with other people? Why are you looking at new places where there are other people you'd have to live with? Why can't you break up with him and legally set up custody and child support ... (read in full...)

I ask women I sleep with about their opinion on abortion because I don't want kids. How do I know the girl I'm seeing is on the same page?

Q.   So I met a wonderful girl online and we hit it off really well. We kissed on the first date, had lunch on the second, and ended up sleeping with each other on the third when she invited me over to her apartment for pizza and a movie. We used ...

A.   22 June 2018: She gave you her answer and you're not on the same page. Trying to persuade her to change her mind on abortion is an extremely selfish thing to even think about doing. End things with her and find someone who feels the same way you do.... (read in full...)

My bf drunk texted his ex FWB and now I feel like I have a right to go through his phone

Q.   My boyfriend of a year and 8 months drunkenly text a girl whom he used to see sexually before we started dating. I feel like I have a right to go through his phone now but at the same time I don’t. He feels terribly about the situation and has since ...

A.   22 June 2018: Not trusting is an insidious thing. Once you lose trust, it's very, very difficult to restore it. Even if you don't find anything, you're likely to wonder if he's just deleting things right away so you can't see them. It's a slippery slope. ... (read in full...)

He blocked me on Instagram then lied about why!

Q.   He blocked me on Instagram and lied to me about it saying his app had a problem. Yes I believed it. I have another account on Instagram for makeup and fashion posts. He commented on another girl’s picture saying “Dayyyuuumm”. He has all his exes and ...

A.   22 June 2018: Why are you still in a relationship with such a selfish douche nozzle?... (read in full...)

Was I wrong not to thank the ex who agreed we would go “no contact” for the flowers?

Q.   So, my ex fiancé sent me flowers Monday, about a year ago he left me for his ex that he was stuck on. I knew something was wrong but he never admitted it. When she rejected him when he went back home he tired to get back with me. I flat out ignor...

A.   22 June 2018: No, you weren't wrong. You have nothing to feel bad about. Ignoring his gift was the right way to handle it.... (read in full...)

Wife Left Me For Her Married Boss. How do I get over her?

Q.   My WS wife took a job as a restaurant manager in March of 2016. It was a new establishment and very high end. Business is very good to this day. I had a regular 9-5, and she had been looking for something more fulfilling and better pay for quite so...

A.   21 June 2018: I would expect her girlfriends to accept her back, she didn't hurt them so they're over it. She's over it too. The only one who's still upset at this point is you. I get it and I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset, but the reality is that you... (read in full...)

I hate my boyfriend’s best friend and don’t want him at my wedding!

Q.   I got engaged to my boyfriend and we are currently planning the wedding, making guest lists etc. My partner wishes to invite his best friend to the wedding. The thing is i can’t stand being in the same room as my fiancées best friend as he severely ...

A.   20 June 2018: Why do you allow the past to run your life? I get it, you were bullied by him, and so you don't like him, but, ultimately, my attitude is: so what? Big deal, you were bullied. Are you being bullied by him today? Will he bully you in the future? ... (read in full...)

I don't want a boyfriend, I'm not interested in sex and I just want to be left alone!

Q.   I have absolutely no interest in sex and while I've had it before, I'm honestly disgusted by it. The whole thing: having people in my bubble, having a face too close to mine, random unnecessary touches, kissing is just gross to me. I don't like the ...

A.   19 June 2018: You come across as wanting all of the companionship perks of a romantic relationship within the confines of a strictly platonic friendship. You say you like cuddling with no unwanted touching or kissing. I suspect that you cultivate romantic ... (read in full...)

None of my friends like him .... what can I do?

Q.   I (33F) am looking for advice regarding my boyfriend(31M) of two years. None of my friends like him. In fact, they all basically refuse to spend time with him. The typical reasons for this would have to do with the guy being a cheater, abusive...

A.   18 June 2018: Also, more than likely, he will behave the same way with your family. You should tell them ahead of time so they're prepared for it and you should let them know that you care deeply for him and ask them to take into account that he treats you so ... (read in full...)

None of my friends like him .... what can I do?

Q.   I (33F) am looking for advice regarding my boyfriend(31M) of two years. None of my friends like him. In fact, they all basically refuse to spend time with him. The typical reasons for this would have to do with the guy being a cheater, abusive...

A.   18 June 2018: His explanation makes perfect sense. He does it on purpose in order to avoid getting his feelings hurt. He knows that his eccentricities are off-putting to people and if he opens himself to friendship, he will attach more quickly than the other ... (read in full...)

Who is the weird one, me or him?

Q.   I have this guy friend that I’ve been knowing for almost a year now, we’ve been involved intimately at one point, pretty much on and off. We both have feelings for each other. We recently started conversing again and hung out. We’re both still ...

A.   17 June 2018: Here are 5 things in the order you typed them: "We both have feelings for each other" "I made it clear that I am involved with someone else but I still don’t want a relationship with anyone right now" "He asked me if I would be open to giv... (read in full...)

I'm talking all the time to my ex girlfriend who is crying about her life. What can I do?

Q.   Well guys m confused how to think about something , i had a relationship with a girl for almost 5 years everything was great but we had to break up because she left the countery to study far away but we keept contact as good freind few months later ...

A.   17 June 2018: You move on, delete her contact information, and stop pining for her, and tell her to stop contacting you. She has a boyfriend she's living with and having sex with, but she's not getting her emotional needs met, so, you're her emotional support ... (read in full...)

The death of my pet caused me to perform terribly at work!

Q.   Hi everyone. This is a coworker relationship question. Nothing romantic. Just wasn't sure where to go to ask this as I like going here. I started this job about two months ago. It is a unique job. Without getting into too many details, I...

A.   15 June 2018: I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm not going to sugar coat this and pat you on the head. While the death of a human family member will be understood and accepted by everyone where you work as a valid reason for a lack of performance and time off... (read in full...)

Me and my dad's friend want to take it to the next level

Q.   Me and my dad's friend have been texting for a while and we've talked about taking things to another level... Im not sure what to do about it, i mean i'm 21 an he's about 30, I have always like older guys and we are into each other but you know he's ...

A.   14 June 2018: While you're an adult and can do what you like, the reality is that you will always be your father's daughter and that will never change. The problem is that your decision impacts your father's friendship with this man. Also, let's not pretend ... (read in full...)

The guy I'm seeing used to have a huge crush on one of my friends

Q.   Hello. I would like some advice. I have been dating this guy for about three months now. So far he's one of the nicest people I've dated. When we were first getting to know each other he mentioned he knew a group of my friends and that he briefly ...

A.   14 June 2018: There's nothing you can do about it. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him then break up with him. If you trust him, then don't worry about it. If he violates your trust, then break up with him. Your insecurities about wh... (read in full...)

All couples argue..But where do we draw a line?

Q.   My dear other half thinks his verbal abuse is just an arguement and it would be if I would agree to that. But I know there is more to it than that and it destroys me as the pattern repeats with increasing frequency. He cant see that its not a c...

A.   14 June 2018: The following only applies to minor disagreements not involving infidelity, insults, disrespectful behavior, or other violations of marital vows. You can only control your own behavior so, you draw the line when emotion starts to control your sid... (read in full...)

My boyfriend's drunken behaviour was nasty. Should I just let it pass?

Q.   My bf, myself and our close friends were at a house party. I spent most of my time helping the hosts so I was pretty much sober while my bf decided to get sloshed after many years. By the end of the night, he had way too many and was totally out ...

A.   14 June 2018: When I was in college, I was a drinker. However, I was a belligerent drunk and would get in fights. One day, after a particularly bad night, I quit drinking cold turkey. I didn't drink again for 25 years. I started drinking again once my kids ... (read in full...)

What’s the difference?

Q.   Whats the difference between making love and just having sex? Like what are some things that would take place if you’re making love rather than just having regular sex?...

A.   12 June 2018: Making love is an act of giving, having sex is an act of taking. When you're having sex, it's really all about satisfying your lust. You're only giving in order to show the other person how good you are at pleasuring them so that they want to ... (read in full...)

Am I too shallow? Should I give him a chance?

Q.   I got out of a 1 year relationship recently where the guy didn't treat me right towards the end. Now i met this wonderful man who is the complete opposite of my ex, very affectionate, sweet, caring, he is mature and really really likes me. He even ...

A.   11 June 2018: Yes, you're being shallow. So what? There's no law against being shallow. You have every right to be shallow if you want to be. It may not be a good look, but it's also not a good look to lead him on with a promise you may not be capable of ... (read in full...)

Wife Left Me For Her Married Boss. How do I get over her?

Q.   My WS wife took a job as a restaurant manager in March of 2016. It was a new establishment and very high end. Business is very good to this day. I had a regular 9-5, and she had been looking for something more fulfilling and better pay for quite so...

A.   8 June 2018: That sucks. I'm sorry that you had to go through this. However, you got out of it pretty well, so, all things considered, you're better off. You're not going to get closure from her. You get closure by knowing that she betrayed you and that she... (read in full...)

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