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*ode Warrior agony aunt

*ode Warrior

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*ode Warrior's profile:

I have been married for 29 years. I am happily married but think a lot about relationships. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and be a better husband for my wife.

However, this wasn't always the case. I came close to losing my wife as I was not a good husband for a very long time. Of course, relationships are a two way street, and she was not perfect either.

A few years ago, I decided to drop all of my grievances and devote myself to making her happy without saying anything to her. I just started doing things - helping around the house - getting back in shape - all kinds of little things. I spent nearly a year doing this without saying anything or asking anything in return.

One day she asked me what was going on so I told her. She expressed her doubts that I would keep it up and did not trust me. That was understandable, so I told her that I would continue to love her and devote myself to her and I asked that she try dropping her grievances and just focus on devoting herself to me. I promised that things would get better in time, but the key was to give up her grievances. We will never be happy if we force the other to suffer punishment for thier minor misdeeds.

She decided to give up her grievances against me and she tried to devote herself to me. Over the intervening years things have gotten much better. They are not perfect, but we are happy again.

I am not perfect and I suffer from relapses of my old self, but they only last for a day or two and then I kick myself in the butt and get myself moving in the right direction again. She accepts these relapses because she trusts that it will not last long and she warns me if I am not acting fast enough. She has similar issues and I give her the same space to get back on track.

We are both human. We are not perfect. We love each other anyway. I tell people about this and they come back to me for relationship advice.

I bring this and other experience to the table. Hopefully people will find my advice useful.

Latest articles:

Deliberations on beauty at a high school football game.

This question has 4 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 September 2009: My son's high school football game is being played on a cool October Friday night and we are losing. The parents of the players are all watching it, their hopes of college scholarships fading with every increase in the score. All intently watching ...

What is confidence and how do I get it?

This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

5 September 2009: I wrote this response to a person asking essentially the same question some time ago. I keep finding that I refer readers to it, so I thought it might make a good how to guide on self confidence. All of it was copied from my post, and modified ...

1234567891011Next > [26 pages, 1007 answers]

What else besides texting my daughter should I do to stop this?

Q.   I just witnessed my pregnant daughters husband playing footsies with my other daughter under the table! I texted my single daughter and told her to Stop what she was doing with her sisters husband now. It did not stop completely however. The ...

A.   5 February 2018: If your daughter is willing to allow this in front of you, then she has zero respect for you, let alone her pregnant sister. Texting your daughter to tell her to stop was weak. The fact that it didn't stop shows a lack of respect for you. If a ... (read in full...)

Partner has been cheating with my best friend for the past five years.

Q.   Me and my girlfriend been together for over 9 years, only couple of days ago she dropped a bomb shell on me saying she’s been cheating on me with my best friend, my heart sunk, I was heart broken to be hearing this. We met in 2009 till now we still ...

A.   3 February 2018: Scorched Earth dude. GF - dumped, BF - gone. Tell mom and sis that your ex gf just admitted to cheating on you for the last 5 years with your ex BF. See if their reaction reveals any deception or relief on their faces. Tell them that you wish ... (read in full...)

Is this a positive sign or is she just being nice?

Q.   My ex broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. I had been working on the things she didnt like about me and I sent her an email updating her on how I have been changing i.e getting better and that I love her and hopefully in future we might cross ...

A.   6 October 2017: It means that she's moved on and so should you. There is no getting back together regardless of what you do. She thinks it's great that you're working on yourself and she's telling you to have a great life, but, make no mistake, it will be a life ... (read in full...)

How to come to terms with my academic failure?

Q.   So basically, I've spent the past two years working towards my masters degree as well as working full time. Up until this summer I've been doing really well (average grade 75, on track for a distinction), only to choke in my last few months and ...

A.   4 October 2017: I guess I don't understand the problem. I mean, I see the obvious problem that you weren't able to turn in your best work in this particular case and that can negatively impact your degree program, but I guess I'm confused as to how this has ... (read in full...)

I am unhappy at home, and flirting with my ex boyfriend

Q.   I am married for nearly 4 years and lived together for 5 years . Since having my son last year , everything has changed . We both very good with looking after our son but My partner seems to be on the phone so much , which has been locked fo...

A.   23 September 2017: You start off with this: "I am married for nearly 4 years and lived together for 5 years ." Later on, you say this: "Lately I have texted my ex , my ex go bk 10 years ago and he try to get in contact 2 years ago where we exchanged number... (read in full...)

Where's the sex gone?

Q.   My girlfriend and I have no sexual chemistry. None at all. Every time I bring up anything sexual it’s, ‘we don’t have the time’ or she acts like it’s vulgar and what I’m saying is disgusting - we went to New York recently on our first holiday ...

A.   23 September 2017: I know that you want to solve the problem and that you want to be with her, but I think you need to break up with her and move on. I don't believe that this problem has a solution. You said it yourself: "She seems to assume there isn't a problem, ... (read in full...)

My wife's sexual past has become a sticking point for me

Q.   OK this might be a bit long winded but here we go. So I have been happilyish married for nearly ten years now. I met my wife in 2003 while on my OE in London and we got together and started dating and then eventually the "how many people have you ...

A.   22 September 2017: Here's the deal: Love is an act of giving, sex is an act of taking. You're saying to your wife "Give me sex". Now, for whatever reason, your wife isn't giving you sex. The aunts have made various excuses for your wife, but she is not innocent in ... (read in full...)

Is this something I can fix by correcting a few actions in our relationship? Do I give her space and trust that she will end up with me? What do I do?

Q.   My gf of 1.5 years recently told me that she likes a guy from work as as more than friends but is unsure about what to do. She said she loves me and she doesn't love him because it is too early to tell. She said she recognizes that it is unfair to ...

A.   21 September 2017: WTF is wrong with you? Are you that much of a cuck or do you think you'll never find another girl? Tell her not to let the door hit her in the ass on her way out.... (read in full...)

Why do people bad mouth their significant others?

Q.   Why do guys complain about their gf/wives but then not leave? I have a coworker that always complains about his wife - I never bring her up but somehow he will say something about her nagging or sound so dis interested in any event that they ...

A.   20 September 2017: If I were you, the first thing I would do is ask myself why I'm generalizing an individual's behavior to an entire group. As some of the others have pointed out, some women do the same thing to their husbands. As to why they do it, there is no sp... (read in full...)

I was drunk and slapped my boyfriend across the face!

Q.   I feel really bad admitting this but i have been with my partner five months and i think the world of him. But the other evening we was drinking and to the point where i literally don't remember what was said. But he went into the kitchen and when i ...

A.   20 September 2017: Simple. Stop drinking. You aren't able to handle drinking, so you should eliminate it all together until you're in control. When I was in college, I got blackout drunk quite often. I often got in fights and did stupid things. The last straw wa... (read in full...)

I'm worried I can't ask her to do the same thing again!

Q.   A few weeks ago I helped my girlfriend clean and put the dishes away. Afterwards she filled the sink with dishsoap and undressed me. She wanted me to sit on the counter over the edge of the sink. I was reluctant at first but I did it. She then used ...

A.   19 September 2017: I don't see why you can't tell her that you lied about liking the sink thing. Go ahead. Tell her you liked it but you were just embarrassed to admit it because you never did anything like that before. Don't ask her to do it again, just let her ... (read in full...)

I love my husband very much and am quite a 'fangirl' for him but then why am I so attracted to the younger guy?

Q.   Hi, I've been married for 10years now. I'm very much still happy in my marriage and I still find my husband very attractive, I have no intention of ever needing or wanting to look elsewhere. Yet I find myself attracted to a younger man that...

A.   18 September 2017: You can't get him off your mind because you don't really want to. You only pay lip service to it. You rationalize it to yourself that you're not really doing anything wrong since it's all just fantasy. It's an easy sell, and it allows you to ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend wanted an open relationship but I can't cope with it.

Q.   I'm struggling with the pain and shock involved in starting an open relationship. I've been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months. Recently we agreed to open the relationship and allow each other to have sex with other people. She's the one wh...

A.   18 September 2017: Bottom line, if you continue this relationship knowing the pain it causes you, that's your fault, not hers. Your girlfriend has been completely honorable and honest with you and she's abided by the parameters of your agreement. For that, I respect ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend has poor dental hygiene!

Q.   My girlfriend has poor dental hygiene. Her teeth are yellowish and her breath smells bad.I love her but everytime I wish to express it with a kiss I hold back. How do I bring this up with her?...

A.   18 September 2017: I agree with everyone. I'm quite blunt about it. I just tell my wife that her breath is bad. My wife likes to roast garlic cloves and spread them on crackers. Her breath gets bad when she eats garlic cloves. Really bad. In fact, it seems like ... (read in full...)

We just don't DO anything!

Q.   Me and my boyfriend have been together since we were 17 and although we are happy, I feel our relationship is just really boring. I was watching a show the other day and this couple did so many fun activities together and when we talk his sister, ...

A.   16 September 2017: So what if your relationship is boring? It's your relationship and if you're happy, then don't worry about it. The worst thing you can do is compare your relationship to other people's relationships. You never see the truth of other people's ... (read in full...)

I want my husband to share me

Q.   i want my husband to share me. i have had this desire for a long time. it started when my husband told me, during foreplay one night, he wanted to watch me have sex with another man. we talked about it and i said i would like to do it. but afte...

A.   15 September 2017: I agree with Honeypie and I will also make the disclaimer that I haven't experienced it myself. However, close friends of ours did exactly what you're talking about. In all the years we knew them, we never knew about it until the very end. It al... (read in full...)

My step daughter is making my life hell!

Q.   My step daughter is making my life hell. I'm a nurse on a trauma unit and I work nights. My job is stressful enough without coming home to a battle every day. My husband is far from perfect but his main flaw is his unwillingness to discipline his ...

A.   15 September 2017: This is simple - Divorce. Your step-daughter is not wild, she is a psychopath and her father is her enabler. You need to leave immediately, file for divorce, and never return there without someone who can protect you.... (read in full...)

Job not how I thought, girlfriend dumping me

Q.   I'm having problem at work and I'm not enjoying it currently, ive had time off because of the stress it's caused and my assistant boss doesn't seem to want to leave me alone and he's up my backside every five minutes. I work for a sports company and ...

A.   9 September 2017: You're in Shitsville, of course things are difficult to cope with. However, that's no reason to make poor decisions. Chances are, you justify your poor decisions in some way and then regret it later. Those justifications are what you need to ... (read in full...)

If he's not doing anything with his ex then why did he get so mad and ignore me?

Q.   Hello I would like to get your opinions on this: I've noticed how ironic it has been in the past 6 months how every time my BF's ex is online (Her Facebook shows she is online), he is also showing online but is unavailable to take my calls. I've bee...

A.   8 September 2017: If I was your BF, and you said that shit to me, I would've broken up with you and told you not to let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.... (read in full...)

Job not how I thought, girlfriend dumping me

Q.   I'm having problem at work and I'm not enjoying it currently, ive had time off because of the stress it's caused and my assistant boss doesn't seem to want to leave me alone and he's up my backside every five minutes. I work for a sports company and ...

A.   8 September 2017: Everything was OK until everything changed? Did EVERYTHING just change at the same time? Because that would really suck. I mean, job is going good, girlfriend is going good, no drinking, no fighting then BAM! One morning, without warning, your ... (read in full...)

Now that he's abroad he doesn't contact me at all!

Q.   Hi, I'm in a strange "relationship" with my colleague and I don't know what to do..One year ago I've got this new job..when i met with my coworker, it was instant chemistry, he always look at me, trying to contact me..but i heard he's a player s...

A.   8 September 2017: He's a player. There's a reason for that: he has a talent for charming women into sex. You should be happy that you didn't have sex with him. There's nothing for you to learn from this experience because he's skilled and he's able to act like the ... (read in full...)

She suggested a holiday but then didn't raise the topic. She finally said it was too expensive, is this a sign of problems ahead?

Q.   My girlfriend suggested we go away a few months ago on a specific date. Since then, shes never raised it - but I have on numerous occasions, offering to book things, asking if she was still interested, or even not wanting to go, and all the time she ...

A.   7 September 2017: It sounds like a sign that it's too expensive for her. Sometimes things are exactly as they are stated. Chances are, she didn't act on it because she figured out that it was too expensive early on, but when you kept bringing it up, and it looked ... (read in full...)

How do I explain my decision to skip the reunion without bad mouthing the Dean?

Q.   When I was in high school (a Catholic school), the Dean of Men was one of the worst people I ever known. He played favorites (if you were one of his favorites, you would never be in trouble no matter what you did but if you were not his favorite, ...

A.   5 September 2017: In terms of a reason for not going, you don't owe anyone an explanation, it's none of their business. I've never been to a high school reunion. All the people that matter to me from high school are either still in my life, or they're dead, so ... (read in full...)

My wife of 30 years just confessed that she was not a virgin

Q.   my wife of 30 years confessed that she was not a virgin when we were married. I was not a virgin when we met and if she had told me before we were married I would have been fine with it. My problem is she made such a big deal of telling me she was ...

A.   2 September 2017: So what? That's some seriously weak sauce right there, especially after saying you wouldn't have had an issue with it when you met. Nothing has fundamentally changed other than the cherry you put in your trophy case turned out to be a fake. Did ... (read in full...)

Was this a missed financial opportunity and should I have consulted with my boyfriend?

Q.   I'd like opinions from everyone about communication and responsibility within a relationship. To briefly summarize, my boyfriend and I live in my childhood home. We get by w/ our jobs and friends/tenants helping out on the monthly expenses. B/c my ...

A.   1 September 2017: 1) It depends on the nature of your relationship. If you're basically acting as a married couple without actually being married, then yes. If you're just in a basic relationship where you've both agreed to be exclusive with each other, in other ... (read in full...)

Our fighting has gotten worse, could this be the final breakup?

Q.   My long-term girlfriend and I have had many ups and downs over the years. Unfortunately, we're both hard headed and when we disagree, we fight. More unfortunately, those fights usually result in her breaking up. Within a few days I am always the ...

A.   30 August 2017: Breaking up with you every time your GF doesn't get her way is immature on her part. You battling her to the point of her resorting to childish tactics is immature on your part. You wanting her back after all this drama, as long as things change ... (read in full...)

After my awful experiences with men, I'd rather date someone who's got a low sex drive than one who's oversexed.

Q.   I am a 28 year old female that has had mostly bad relationships up until this point. All the guys I've dated seem to have had major anger issues and/or were players and I assume this is in part due to male horomones. I enjoy having a partner and ...

A.   30 August 2017: You pay attention, that's what you do. Don't allow men to have sex with you while you're dating them and pay attention to what kinds of moves they make to try to have sex with you. If they get upset that you're not putting out fast enough, then ... (read in full...)

Am I asking too much of men to want the same things that I want?

Q.   As an almost fifty yr old woman is it unreasonable to want men I dare to have a wide taste in porn that includes mature women like myself and not just the cookie cutter young slim perfectt woman As I've gotten older my taste In men has matured ...

A.   30 August 2017: No, you're not being unreasonable. I'm one of those kinds of guys. I prefer women my own age. If I wasn't married, I'd be looking for a woman that's around my age. Preferably, a woman that isn't trying to chase youthful looks through plastic ... (read in full...)

Break-up, Make-Up Cycle and After a Loving Weekend, He Hasn't Called. Why?

Q.   I recently left my boyfriend two weeks ago, and now we aren't talking. My purpose in leaving wasn't necessarily to break up,but because I wasn't going to tolerate the verbal and emotional abuse. He can be extremely controlling and gonon tirades. ...

A.   28 August 2017: Why are you asking how he can go from "I love you" to breaking up over a phone call when you were the one that initiated the break up for the reasons you gave in your post? It's as if you think that he broke up with you. Furthermore, regardless of ... (read in full...)

I am getting cold feet about my LDR moving in.

Q.   My LDR boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We will be moving in together by the end of this year. He will be packing his bags and moving across the country to live with me and my two teenage children. I'm having second thoughts...

A.   28 August 2017: I think you like the LDR thing and would prefer that it stay that way. I'm not saying that you did something wrong, I'm guessing that the move-in thing was his idea and you didn't have the heart to tell him that you don't want that kind of ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend says my friends took advantage of me.

Q.   Hello Everyone! Just wanted some insight on this situation. Last night, my boyfriend and I had friends over (my friend and his girlfriend) to watch the Game of Thrones season finale. I cooked a lot more than my boyfriend thought I should have but ...

A.   28 August 2017: You did everything right. Your BF is wrong. When you invite people over, you're responsible for being a gracious host and that means you're accepting the responsibility of making their visit as care free and fun as possible. A major part of ... (read in full...)

Is it ever ok for your boyfriend to insinuate that you're fat? Feeling hurt and ashamed, how do I react?

Q.   Hey guys :-) I was just hoping for some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years and I think of myself as a really good girlfriend to him. When we first got together we were both in very good shape. However over the years we've both put w...

A.   28 August 2017: If your clothes don't fit, they don't fit. Stop fishing for compliments and stop acting like tight clothes are attractive on heavy people, they're not. Yes, you're lucky that your fat distributes in such a way as to allow you to look curvaceous, ... (read in full...)

I feel directionless, as if my life is the same thing, over and over.

Q.   This is sort of relationship question. Relationship with oneself. I feel stupid for feeling so low and for needing advice on how to find happiness after 40. I just never thought I'd feel this bad. Age and looks were never the problem for me. I...

A.   24 August 2017: You lack direction because you have no goals. Without something to strive for we stagnate. You're stagnating and have been for a long time. It's as simple as that. You say you got 2 masters degrees that you don't benefit from. Why? Are they... (read in full...)

My professor was staring at me, is he signaling an attraction to me?

Q.   I went back to school to finish my degree last year and had attraction/chemistry with a professor. He'd always ask my opinion about the class and we'd talk about life, work, etc in office hours. At first, I thought it was because I was older, but ...

A.   24 August 2017: He's married.... (read in full...)

Is it wrong to snitch to his girlfriend?

Q.   On Friday night I met up with my ex BF from last year. He has a new GF but we met up and hooked up. I know it was wrong but he persued me. Now he has asked me to keep quiet about it and gone back to his life as though nothing has happened. He sped ...

A.   24 August 2017: You knew EXACTLY what you were doing so spare us your fake concern about his GF. You didn't care one bit about her when you were screwing him and all you care about now is that he chose to stop screwing you, so now you want revenge. You're every ... (read in full...)

I've just completed cancer treatment and now my toxic ex wants to come back

Q.   Hi aunts, I've just completed a years worth of cancer treatment and luckily I might be OK, but my ex partner who was abusive to me during our three year relationship has got in touch saying he might want to get back together with me. He was with ...

A.   24 August 2017: Tell him to go fuck himself. Good luck on your recovery!... (read in full...)

Letting things go and agreeing to disagree

Q.   How do you agree to disagree with your partner. We had a conversation the other day and he said something which he is down right refusing to admit to. I know he said it as it was the last thing he said. I know its not the end of the world but i have ...

A.   23 August 2017: That didn't clarify anything. Either he said something that you interpreted as hurtful when it wasn't intended to be - which may be why he doesn't remember saying something hurtful, or he said something hurful intentionally and is denying that he ... (read in full...)

Letting things go and agreeing to disagree

Q.   How do you agree to disagree with your partner. We had a conversation the other day and he said something which he is down right refusing to admit to. I know he said it as it was the last thing he said. I know its not the end of the world but i have ...

A.   23 August 2017: I see 2 possibilities: 1) He's denying that he made a specific statement. In this case, I guess it's your word against his and you have to decide if you're willing to do something about it. If so, then do, if not, then I guess you'll just have... (read in full...)

A co-worker made an unkind remark that really hurt me. How do I cope?

Q.   I'm feeling very hurt today. At my previous job (as well as life in general) you could say that I'M not the most organized person (not filthy, but more of an issue of putting things back where they belong, avoiding clutter and procrastination,etc. ...

A.   23 August 2017: Toughen up! If you're that distraught over a nothing comment, then how are you going to deal with criticism from your boss during your performance review? Nobody respects weakness. Nobody feels sorry for you. Predators do not care about the ... (read in full...)

He's nice but I'm not sure if I'm being hurtful or I should scram

Q.   Need help deciding to stay or go... Ive been dating a very sweet man for the last four months. We met at a job so I've known him since Feb. and I admired his hard working attitude. He is not good with money tho (at least as far as I am concerned) ...

A.   23 August 2017: End it with him. He's not reliable. There's a reason that people wind up in bad positions - poor decision making skills and poor impulse control. Move on and don't look back. If you stick with him, his poor decision making and poor impulse ... (read in full...)

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