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*ode Warrior agony aunt

*ode Warrior

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*ode Warrior's profile:

I have been married for 30 years. I am happily married but think a lot about relationships. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and be a better husband for my wife.

However, this wasn't always the case. I came close to losing my wife as I was not a good husband for a very long time. Of course, relationships are a two way street, and she was not perfect either.

A few years ago, I decided to drop all of my grievances and devote myself to making her happy without saying anything to her. I just started doing things - helping around the house - getting back in shape - all kinds of little things. I spent nearly a year doing this without saying anything or asking anything in return.

One day she asked me what was going on so I told her. She expressed her doubts that I would keep it up and did not trust me. That was understandable, so I told her that I would continue to love her and devote myself to her and I asked that she try dropping her grievances and just focus on devoting herself to me. I promised that things would get better in time, but the key was to give up her grievances. We will never be happy if we force the other to suffer punishment for thier minor misdeeds.

She decided to give up her grievances against me and she tried to devote herself to me. Over the intervening years things have gotten much better. They are not perfect, but we are happy again.

I am not perfect and I suffer from relapses of my old self, but they only last for a day or two and then I kick myself in the butt and get myself moving in the right direction again. She accepts these relapses because she trusts that it will not last long and she warns me if I am not acting fast enough. She has similar issues and I give her the same space to get back on track.

We are both human. We are not perfect. We love each other anyway. I tell people about this and they come back to me for relationship advice.

I bring this and other experience to the table. Hopefully people will find my advice useful.

Latest articles:

Deliberations on beauty at a high school football game.

This question has 4 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

13 September 2009: My son's high school football game is being played on a cool October Friday night and we are losing. The parents of the players are all watching it, their hopes of college scholarships fading with every increase in the score. All intently watching ...

What is confidence and how do I get it?

This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

5 September 2009: I wrote this response to a person asking essentially the same question some time ago. I keep finding that I refer readers to it, so I thought it might make a good how to guide on self confidence. All of it was copied from my post, and modified ...

1234567891011Next > [36 pages, 1395 answers]

He deleted his dating profile. Did he meet someone else?

Q.   Ive been on 4 dates with a guy I met since Oct. I blew him off a few times because I was worried having sex too soon would ruin things but i do really like him. I was tired of all my past relationship mistakes by sleeping too soon and never getting ...

A.   22 January 2019: Yeah, he's older, been married, has experience, and isn't interested in playing games. Like Honeypie said, it's one thing to want to take things slow, it's another to blow people off and play games. If he was here posting about a woman who behaved ... (read in full...)

Is he completely dense? Should we just give up trying to tell him he’s making the biggest mistake of his life?

Q.   Hi guys so firstly this us a follow on from a post at Christmas- thank you all for your excellent advice The situation was a mutual good friend had got himself involved with a girl we all knew was bad news- disrespected him, took money and gene...

A.   21 January 2019: "Is he completely dense or ?" Since you've already reasoned with him, he's either dense or willfully ignorant. "Is it hopeless and we should all give up?" I'm sure the more you try to convince him, the more he will resist you. He has to l... (read in full...)

Should a man break up with a woman over not getting enough sex?

Q.   Been in a relationship for two years, am 63, she is 58, I work one job she has one full time job an a part time job. I pretty much live with her, own my own house to.what's up is maybe sex once every two months, she always got an excuse.she just ...

A.   21 January 2019: You can break up for whatever reason you like. If the relationship isn't working for you then end it. Your reason for breaking up doesn't have to be logical and doesn't require anyone's approval. It doesn't even have to be a good idea. Howev... (read in full...)

My husband of 12 years is so secretive and refuses to talk to me just gives me the silent treatment

Q.   I am in my late 50's and have been married for second time for 12 years. I have grown up children from my first marriage. My husband is 60 and from the beginning he has been so secretive. He never shows any interest in my life and health and never ...

A.   20 January 2019: All of the suggestions given by the other aunts are excellent and you should listen. You should also divorce him. You need to understand that he will not change and you're already worse off than if you were alone because you're essentially alone ... (read in full...)

My partner is unhappy with his job and I don't know how to help him

Q.   My partner has been feeling unhappy with his position at work. He feels it is beneath his skill set. He’s been looking for something different but hasn’t found anything in town that turns his crank yet. His boss can see he works hard and will ...

A.   20 January 2019: "My partner has been feeling unhappy with his position at work. He feels it is beneath his skill set. He's been looking for something different but hasn’t found anything in town that turns his crank yet" That's pretty vague. Without knowing ... (read in full...)

Why do people at work bully other people?

Q.   Why do people at work bully other people? I have a close relation with someone at work. I am at a managerial position and she is at Junior level. This girl is good at her job but still her manager has an issue with my friendship with her. She ...

A.   19 January 2019: Perhaps I won't understand because I'm not an expert on Indian culture, but you made a serious accusation against your friend's boss when you implied she was bullying your friend. These days, way too many people trvialize such serious accusations ... (read in full...)

Why do people at work bully other people?

Q.   Why do people at work bully other people? I have a close relation with someone at work. I am at a managerial position and she is at Junior level. This girl is good at her job but still her manager has an issue with my friendship with her. She ...

A.   19 January 2019: "@Code Warrior - we used to take hardly 30 mins break in the entire shift of 9 hours. So you are telling that she is not even allowed for a 30 mins break?" Ah yes, the ever popular argumentum ad absurdum, rolled up into a straw man argument... (read in full...)

My boss is not letting me move on from our affair

Q.   I posted about a month/two back about having had an affair with boss and having ended it. He wanted to stay super secret best friends. But I’ve done a great job of only being professional with him and not interacting unless absolutely neces...

A.   18 January 2019: "He said it really hurts him that my impression is that hes a pig that used me and didn’t genuinely care" Who cares? Seriously. Fuck his feelings. "He said he really believes that had our timing been different we’d be amazing together." Ag... (read in full...)

Why do people at work bully other people?

Q.   Why do people at work bully other people? I have a close relation with someone at work. I am at a managerial position and she is at Junior level. This girl is good at her job but still her manager has an issue with my friendship with her. She ...

A.   18 January 2019: Do your job when you're at work and socialize with your friend after work. You're a manager, you shouldn't need to be told that. Also, you provided zero evidence that your friend's boss is a bully. How do you know that your friend's boss has... (read in full...)

If a girl is interested in a guy, he jumps at the chance to go out with her, why won't this guy?

Q.   There's a boy in my class who's really cute, smart, nice, everything I like in a guy but he ignores me. I try talking to him and he either doesn't talk to me or tells me to leave him alone. I've passed him notes in class and left notes in his locker ...

A.   18 January 2019: Honeypie nailed it. "If a girl is interested in a guy, he jumps at the chance to go out with her..." Who told you that? Whoever it was, stop listening to them because they don't know what they're talking about.... (read in full...)

My husband lack of empathy really confused me.

Q.   My husband lack of empathy really confused me. What do you think about this incident? Let's just say that I'm not all that surprised. Over the years, and we've been together for almost 20 years now, I was ill a couple of times and I must say tha...

A.   18 January 2019: I think Honeypie has some good insight there. It sounds like he handles pressure situations where he doesn't know what to do very poorly and he gets overly frustrated. He latches on to something he cam do like clean up the floor, but lashes out ... (read in full...)

Should I resign from my job because I’m being bullied?

Q.   I’ve worked for a company for five years and enjoy my job. however a female co worker who is at the same company as me, doesn’t like me and is doing everything she can to make feel miserable. she has also back stabbed me a few times and has even ...

A.   17 January 2019: Test.... (read in full...)

Can we get married in a church if neither of us are religious?

Q.   My fiancee and I would like to get married in a church, however neither of us are religious. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this? Neither of our families are religious either. We have come across many churches locally and while ...

A.   17 January 2019: A church is not a rental hall, it's a place of worship. I seriously doubt any church would grant you permission to use it for a civil ceremony. A religious wedding ceremony is a rite of passage based on that religion's belief system and there are ... (read in full...)

What would my deceased boyfriend's family think of me moving on with his cousin?

Q.   My sons father passed away almost two years ago and I’ve been single since then haven’t even Pursue anyone since. Recently his cousin that I’ve never met started coming around a lot lately and once we started communicating we started to like each ...

A.   16 January 2019: It has "bad idea" written all over it.... (read in full...)

I feel like the definition of a failure, any words of wisdom?

Q.   Hi all. I am 15 years old and have recently been challenged with some difficult feelings. I'll sum up the story: A decent while ago (about 4 months ago), after two years of having feelings for my close friend, who I've known for a long time, I fin...

A.   14 January 2019: Correction: I wrote "The New Encyclopedia of Modern Building", but that should have been: "The New Encyclopedia of Modern Body Building"... (read in full...)

I feel like the definition of a failure, any words of wisdom?

Q.   Hi all. I am 15 years old and have recently been challenged with some difficult feelings. I'll sum up the story: A decent while ago (about 4 months ago), after two years of having feelings for my close friend, who I've known for a long time, I fin...

A.   14 January 2019: Here's the deal. When I was slightly younger than your age I was fat, had messy hair, and girls had zero interest in me. What did I do? I started body building in my basement. My mom bought me a cheap weight bench with the cement filled plastic ... (read in full...)

Why do I feel fear and anxiety of not being able to cope?

Q.   I've always suffered with anxiety and ruminating thoughts etc. Lately this has got alot worse. I've been trying to work through and figure at out what the under lying feelings are and why I feel this way. I feel alot of fear and get so overwhelmed ...

A.   14 January 2019: I think you need to change your focus. Stop thinking of generic platitudes about feeling "empowered". Instead, think in terms of positioning yourself to take advantage of opportunities. To do that, you need to make good life choices. Goal ... (read in full...)

I have fallen for my boyfriend's cousin and don't know what to do

Q.   I was in a weird relationship with this boy , I’m 20 now he’s 24 I met him when I was 17 but it was really just a hi and bye thing he was dating my cousin at the time and they were sweet hearts . Me and him got involved when I was 18 and my cousi...

A.   14 January 2019: "I don’t know why or how but it’s happened ..." BS. You know EXACTLY why you're unfaithful. Stop acting like a child. "I don’t know wat to do" Take responsibility for your actions, grow up, and stop inflicting your childish nonsense on oth... (read in full...)

How to impress a woman on a Speed Dating event

Q.   This question is mainly for men but the ladies can chime in as well. If you meet a woman for the first time and have only 5 minutes to talk what will you ask or say to her that would leave an impression on her? I am asking this because I go ...

A.   13 January 2019: I wouldn't concern myself about impressing them, they would need to impress me. Consequently, I would ask: Are you a feminist? Please explain your answer. It won't impress them, but they will remember you. It will likely put them on the spot... (read in full...)

My boyfriend's 12 year old doesn't like me and boyfriend will not step in and do anything

Q.   Hi I’m in a bit of a dilemma and seriously need some advice. I’ve been with my bf now for 7 months. We both love each other And have spoken frequently about marriage and living together. However here is my problem. I have met and get on ver...

A.   13 January 2019: You draw the line wherever you feel like drawing the line, but you can only draw that line for yourself, you can't draw lines for other people. This is only a problem for you because you're not willing to abide by your own line. So, either redraw ... (read in full...)

My partner makes it out like I am thick and always wrong

Q.   Hi I’m in a relationship now for 6 years but he is so annoying at times he makes out as though I am thick and I know nothing about anything im always wrong in everything I do from tidying the house up after his mess to looking after our son I work 2 ...

A.   12 January 2019: I did give you advice. I advised you to stop being a martyr. You may not like my advice and you may not like being challenged, but you don't get to dictate what kind of advice you'll get. So, if you want everyone to pat you on the head and tell ... (read in full...)

I'm tired of being the bigger person every time we argue

Q.   Dear cupid, I've been wirth my boyfriend for about 2 yrs now, we live together and are very committed to each other and growing our life together. 2 nights ago we were watching a movie and there were preganant women and kids it. I'm in my early 30s ...

A.   12 January 2019: How, exactly, do you figure you're the bigger person? You insulted him in an extremely hurtful way. Frankly, you were spiteful and vindictive. That kind of comment about not wanting his sperm anyway was extremely childish, immature, hurtful, and ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend's 12 year old doesn't like me and boyfriend will not step in and do anything

Q.   Hi I’m in a bit of a dilemma and seriously need some advice. I’ve been with my bf now for 7 months. We both love each other And have spoken frequently about marriage and living together. However here is my problem. I have met and get on ver...

A.   12 January 2019: His kid doesn't have to like you and you're not as important as his children at this time nor should you expect to be. If you don't like that, then break up with him. It's really that simple. His children will ALWAYS be his children and will ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend won’t stop lying to me

Q.   Hi I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 months. He just turned 19 and he goes to college 5 hours away. This isn’t a problem we started dating Way before he started college and he didn’t plan on picking a school that far away but we make it ...

A.   10 January 2019: Just before I left for college, I broke up with my high school girlfriend because while I loved her, I knew that I was going to be exposed to life altering ideas and things and it simply wouldn't have been fair to myself or to her to try to maintain ... (read in full...)

My partner makes it out like I am thick and always wrong

Q.   Hi I’m in a relationship now for 6 years but he is so annoying at times he makes out as though I am thick and I know nothing about anything im always wrong in everything I do from tidying the house up after his mess to looking after our son I work 2 ...

A.   10 January 2019: So you do everything, he does little to nothing, and he ridicules everything you do. Uh huh. I'm sure that's exactly the way it is. I rarely believe such one sided claims so I'm very skeptical of yours. Consequently, you may not care what I t... (read in full...)

I found evidence that my wife has been cheating. She denies it. Is she lying?

Q.   I recently found out my wife of 12 years has been seeing a guy from work for the past 3 months. I found a messenger conversation between her and her friend. In it it says they are like love sick teenagers. She talks about getting caught with him in ...

A.   6 January 2019: Yes she's cheating. Big time. Your wife is a liar and she has zero respect for you. How do I know she has zero respect for you? Only someone with zero respect for you would even attempt such a brazen lie, not to mention admitting to kissing him. ... (read in full...)

How do I approach a fine woman to talk to her?

Q.   so i saw this fine woman at the gym today and i wanted to talk to her but i dont know how to start it off or approach her...what should i say? when and how should i approach her? ...

A.   5 January 2019: Before I had my own home gym, I used to go to the gym to work out, not pick up women. I'd certainly notice attractive women at the gym, but it never occurred to me to hit on them. All I know is that my workouts were pretty intense, very ... (read in full...)

How do I deal with this overwhelming friend?

Q.   Hello there, I have this male friend in class. He liked me from the very beginning. Sweet guy but tries too hard to impress, is shallow in his approach to falling in love (may be due to lack of experience). I know for a fact he's smitten from att...

A.   4 January 2019: I don't know if he's stalking you or just trying to win you over by doing you favors. Regardless, from your perspective, it's unwanted attention that you've politely tried to address with him, so far with no success. Therefore, you need to escalate ... (read in full...)

I would like to grow this new friendship by meeting outside of that one activity, but I’m worried she will think I am trying to put the moves on her

Q.   I was in a long distance relationship for about half a year. In that time, I felt lonely so I signed up for some things that interest me. During one of those things, I made a female friend who is also in a long distance relationship. Since then, we ...

A.   4 January 2019: If you're worried that she'll think you're trying to make a move on her, why are you asking her to go for drinks afterward? It seems like your intention is to hit on her but then deny that you were trying to hit on her if she balks. If all you ... (read in full...)

Has anyone experienced fake friends?

Q.   Has anyone experienced fake friends? Ones that will do enough to be there but on their own terms. So I have a friend I have known since child, and he is actually very negative. If I don’t say something right, he will jump at it to steer it in a...

A.   4 January 2019: If I understand you correctly, you're saying that he's always saying negative things about your life regardless of the choices you make, and if you follow his advice, he will change his mind and advise you to do the opposite. In the meantime, he ... (read in full...)

After a nice first date, why he hasn't asked me out again?

Q.   Hi All, I recently met a guy through arrangement from my dad. My parents and I together with his mom and him met for thr first time through lunch. The guy and I didn't interact much in our first meeting but we exchanged phone numbers. Days af...

A.   4 January 2019: "My parents and I together with his mom and him met for thr first time through lunch." "Days after we didn't text each other but then my dad told the person who introduced us that we have good impression of him." If you met him for the first ti... (read in full...)

I feel guilty about my sexual past

Q.   I know this ja going to sound very silly but lately I’ve started feeling very guilty about my experiences . I’m 27 as of now. I was committed to a single guy for 5 years from high school and fell for a friend after breakup. I didn’t sleep with any ...

A.   3 January 2019: You're overthinking it. You have the right idea for you. Stop beating yourself up over regrets. You tried it out 3 times and learned that casual sex isn't for you. That puts you light years ahead of those people who only do casual sex because ... (read in full...)

A stranger offered herself to me to help me lose my virginity. Do I accept?

Q.   I will be 20 very soon and am still a virgin. I have tried to date probably more than a hundred women and have always been rejected. I have contemplated visiting an escort but don't want to lose my dignity doing so. Out of a whim I posted an ad o...

A.   3 January 2019: LOL Honeypie! Just say "Brown Chicken, Brown Cow" to porn style music and imagine the possibilities! LOL!... (read in full...)

Do you think I should stick the relationship out and if so, how do I tell him I need a bit more support?

Q.   Need a little advice please! I got out of a very serious relationship early last year and since moved to the city in a houseshare and regained my life again. I became best friends with one of the housemates and the other moved out a few months...

A.   3 January 2019: I agree with Honeypie and WiseOwlE. IMO, you put yourself in the role of teacher, allowed it to swell your head, and have arrogantly put yourself on an undeserved pedestal. On top of that, you call him when drunk to discuss an important matter? ... (read in full...)

Why would a guy hold back from sex?

Q.   Why would a guy hold back from sex ? ive started dating a guy for the last 4 week (we only see each other no-one else ) we have done everything apart from sleep together. He did say he wanted to wait until date 5 before sleeping with me. He ...

A.   2 January 2019: Why are you so eager to have sex? If I were back in the dating pool I wouldn't have sex with a woman until I was convinced that she's not promiscuous. I've no idea how long that would take, it would take as long as it takes. I'm not promiscuous, ... (read in full...)

I'm sick of him screaming at me night and day. Should I leave? What if I don't find anyone else?

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend since I was 18, I'm now 26 and we've lived together for 3 years. In truth I feel like he is my 'comfort blanket' - I feel safe around him, he makes good decisions etc. And looks after me, I feel safe having him there, And ...

A.   1 January 2019: It seems like you want to stay with him but would like him to pay more attention to you. He sounds obsessed with gaming and I believe his anger is related to his perception that you rudely interrupt his gaming time. I'm not saying you're being ... (read in full...)

Should I take note of our horoscopes? The Chinese one says we are incompatible!

Q.   This probably seems silly but I have been reading Chinese horoscopes and compatability with my boyfriend and they say we are not suited. It says his soul mate Chinese animal was a horse and his ex wife was one, yet my animal is the least compatible ...

A.   31 December 2018: Probably seems silly? That's an understatement! Obviously you have to cross check with a palm reader, and then with someone who reads Tarot cards! I shouldn't have suggested that - you might think I'm being serious. Clearly a psychic is ... (read in full...)

Is ‘bird’ just slang for ‘woman’ or ‘girl’?

Q.   When a guy calls you a bird is it just slang for woman/girl. I text a guy friend to rearrange meeting up as he wasn't feeling well and joked that it was nurses orders for him to get better and that I couldn't find a nurse in uniform emoji t...

A.   30 December 2018: LOL! Denies she intends to use shaming tactics, then ends her response with a shaming tactic! LOL! It's like shooting fish in a barrel! You just can't help yourself, it's who you are. Did you really think that lame ass shaming tactic was goin... (read in full...)

I can't forget the guy I cheated with.

Q.   About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend. I won't go into details, but my boyfriend and I worked through it and I cut contact with the other guy. Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me. I ...

A.   29 December 2018: I said I was skeptical of your claims and that I thought they might be exaggerations. If you were sexually abused, that's a terrible thing to have to endure, so I understand better now. That being said, as a victim of sexual abuse you should u... (read in full...)

How do I change my patterns?

Q.   I have come out of a very long term relationship where my partner 'parentified' me. I've read a lot about how there can be a passive / active dynamic (or divide) between partners, where one acts like the kid and the other is positioned as parent, ...

A.   29 December 2018: You're strong and responsible, but you're tired after all this time and all these people who took advantage of you and you just want someone else to be the strong and responsible one for a change. The thing is, you are what you are and being a ... (read in full...)

Is ‘bird’ just slang for ‘woman’ or ‘girl’?

Q.   When a guy calls you a bird is it just slang for woman/girl. I text a guy friend to rearrange meeting up as he wasn't feeling well and joked that it was nurses orders for him to get better and that I couldn't find a nurse in uniform emoji t...

A.   29 December 2018: "Not offended by it just surprised me from him that was all." That sentence speaks volumes to me and I think you're lying. You may not be offended yet because you aren't certain whether you should be, but you seem fully prepared to be offended... (read in full...)

I can't forget the guy I cheated with.

Q.   About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend. I won't go into details, but my boyfriend and I worked through it and I cut contact with the other guy. Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me. I ...

A.   28 December 2018: Yes I am dismissive of mental health issues because I believe most of them are exaggerations. Not that there aren't real cases of mental health issues. My wife has 15 siblings, 9 of them were adopted. One of my wife's siblings was a schi... (read in full...)

I can't forget the guy I cheated with.

Q.   About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend. I won't go into details, but my boyfriend and I worked through it and I cut contact with the other guy. Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me. I ...

A.   27 December 2018: "About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend." Your boyfriend should've dumped you on the spot. "Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me." Your lover is manipulative and trying ... (read in full...)

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