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*larey agony aunt

*larey

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*larey's profile:

Hello there you all. I am a creative type with two degrees in the arts. I play guitar. I am very happy.

I have worked mainly in health care for years and have met many people, listened to many stories about life and lived through a lot as well. I have been divoced, suffered from depression, worked with homeless people, children, all sorts of professionals and developed an ability to think from many angles. I am fascinated by people and how different they are and very interested in motives and what drives people to be caring and good, a bit bad, uncertain and even mean. I am thoughtful about family dymanics and break-ups and how parents use their children to punish one another. I wish that we treated each other equally and with respect rather than filing different types of people into sub-species and finding excuses for treating them in ways we would not to be treated or have our children treated. I am a bit of an idealist with a kind heart.

Latest articles:

Hope from experience, from me to you

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

1 February 2008: To all those neurotics out there like me who don’t understand what is going wrong – a message of hope from experience. My story is for all those folks out there who think they don’t quite fit in, make a mess of relationships, worry too much, ...

< Prev12345Next > [5 pages, 152 answers]

My girlfriend got spooked by my t-shirt!

Q.   I just bought a shirt with a humorous line on it, one of many that I already own. This new one has on it, "I be pirate, gimme your booty!". My girlfriend, who has been fine with my other humorous shirts, took great offense and refused to allow me to ...

A.   10 May 2006: Are you serious? It is not important, it shows a little insecurity on her part, that is all. Give it to her, wrapped up with a red rose, to wear in bed with you! Then go and buy a different one.... (read in full...)

My girlfriend got genital warts, but wants to go back to no condoms, what do I do?

Q.   Hello. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. A month ago she told me she had been to the hospital and been diagnosed with genital warts. I was shocked and scared and we went though a tough period where I found it hard to trust her (the ...

A.   10 May 2006: Excuse me but I think you should get some advice from a doctor. Getting genital warts is very common and it does not say anything bad about her. You can catch it and not get symptoms for a very long time. Once they have been treated they are ... (read in full...)

My emotions have taken over me and I'm too attached to this guy - can I change and if so, how?!

Q.   Hello everyone, For the first time in my life I found a man I want to commit to for the rest of my life. We've been together for the past 3 years, and every bit of it has been amazing. He is primarily me best friend. He has taken me away from a b...

A.   10 May 2006: Get some counselling is the honest answer, from a psychologist, not any old person. You can also try an exercise that I did once. It worked and I was amazed. Get a notepad and draw five columns on it. The first will be headed "Trigger". This ... (read in full...)

Are these stain covered sheets an indicator of his cheating guilt?

Q.   Hello, This may seem a little graphic--well not graphic but just related to sex and the messiness related to it. lol I go to my b/f's place and usually he is not there unless i am over(he stays with his mom and does things for her at her house...

A.   10 May 2006: If I were you I would not worry. If you did leave a patch from your last encounter it has had plenty of time to discolour. I had some friends to stay once and did not get around to changing the sheets for a few days, by which time certain bits had ... (read in full...)

I have no sex life because of my wife, what should I do?

Q.   I am 39 and been married since 1990. I have two beautiful children whom i adore, and a lifestyle which surpasses my expectations.My problem is that my relationship with my wife is totally unfulfilling for me physically. We have sex approx once a ...

A.   9 May 2006: I agree with the last answer which I marked as excellent. The only thing I can add is that a good sex life is built upon personal intimacy and trust. If your wife does not miss that and doesn't want it, there is nothing you can do. If she will ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend told me he was going to get more female friends, but he flirts with them.

Q.   Hi, my bf and i have been together just over 2 years, im 20 and he is 25, my bf does not have many friends and he recently started to study, he told me that he was going to try make some more female friends, i asked why and he said so i can have ...

A.   9 May 2006: I don't like it that he has told you that you are ugly. It is the most unacceptable thing that you have said. In fact his whole behaviour seems set to undermine your confidence. I think you should tell him that you agree with his idea and in r... (read in full...)

My fiance says lesbians turn him on and I can see that it does...I get hurt over this....

Q.   i need advice im so confused hurt and do feel cheated on in a sense. me and my fiance were cuddled in bed when hes stupid fantasy comes up lesbians. i feel really uncomfortable when he always go on and it puts me off him otha than that hes the best ...

A.   9 May 2006: There is not a single man I know of who is not turned on by lesbians. In fact there are lots of women who think of that secretly, or not, too. If you are honest you probably have fantasies of one sort or another (obviously not this) yourself. It ... (read in full...)

I don't want to hurt her, but I feel it's time to break up!

Q.   so how do I break up with her? we're both sophomores at different colleges, and have been dating since senior year of high school. i just don't feel the same way as I once did, and i really don't want to hurt her. she's been asking things like what ...

A.   9 May 2006: It sounds as though she is putting too much pressure on you. You say you love her but are considering breaking up over this. I think you can be honest about it, you sound a lovely person. Perhaps you should say that you are too young to be making ... (read in full...)

We have sex but my girl keeps getting UTI'S, what can be causing this?

Q.   my girl has never had sex, only with me, she keeps getting utis, she went for ultrasounds bladder tests kidney tests, no result, all she does is take pills and for two weeks we dont have sex,? whats the reason, is it because im uncircumsized, what ...

A.   9 May 2006: While someone gets used to another person this can happen. By that I mean that once your immune systems are used to each other it will settle. Too much soap and cleaning etc can cause it. A good way of avoiding it is is she pees straight after ... (read in full...)

My son likes to have food fights and no punishment makes him stop!

Q.   I am a father-of-three from Birmingham, who's been married for 20 years. My 16-year-old son has recently been in trouble at school over allegations of having 'food fights'; he's just been suspended for a week for having one in the canteen....

A.   8 May 2006: It looks like attention-seeking behaviour. I knew someone whose son set fire to things, including a whole barn once to get attention. Do you spend much time with him? Is he acheiving in other ways and does he have good self-esteem? I was a bi... (read in full...)

He's told me to have sex with other men, what should I do?

Q.   I am 24 and my husband is 27. Recently he has been telling me if I want sex, I should sleep with other men. I told him I don't want to cheat on him, and that he's suggesting cheating. However, he insists he has no sex drive at all, and says h...

A.   8 May 2006: There is an underlying reason why this has happened and what you need to know, is what it is. Switching from seeming happy about sex to not wanting it at all is strange and it is unfair if he was hiding a lack of sexual interest from you in the ... (read in full...)

My mother said she heard people in our bedroom when she came home. Should I believe her?

Q.   My name is "Sue". i have been dating an older man, "Bob" for a year and a half. My mother recently moved in with us because of some money issues. She hates us dating, because he is older than i am. I love him more than anything and would trust him ...

A.   8 May 2006: I would not believe it for a minute. There could be all sorts of reasons why she may have thought she heard a noise. One is wishful thinking, neighbours is another, wakeful dreaming another. I can't imagine that your partner would cheat in you ... (read in full...)

He's given me two STD's and narrowly missed prison for beating me... not sure what to do?

Q.   im 19 and have been with my partner for almost 4 years we have a 2 year old daughter but since being with him he has givin me 2 stds in a result of cheating on me he has just narrowly missed a prison sentence for beating me badly its not the firs...

A.   8 May 2006: You need to get in touch with Refuge www.refuge.org.uk Or a similar group from the country that you are from. Look at your situation from the outside. Imagine you had a friend who was allowing herself to be abused and given diseases like yo... (read in full...)

Husband is making my life hard.. Whats my best option??

Q.   Im having a difficult time with my husband who is a jerk. Im thinking about divorcing him but I have major problems that are in my way of leaving. For one we have children and i dont want them to be raised without their father and they dont ...

A.   8 May 2006: You sound very negative and depressed. Everything is can't...but you can! Get information and put it in a big file. Divorce, relationship counseeling, training, financial assistance available to one parent families, bringing up kids on your own, ... (read in full...)

I love him, but he seems too troubled and may think he's not good enough.

Q.   I started seeing a family friend, the one who I never even thought I had a chance with. So when we ran into eachother, he told me he wanted more. So things were great we had no issues. He asked me about living together and I said give me a year. ...

A.   8 May 2006: There is more going on in the background with this man than you know. When you write about gambling, do you mean with money or gambling with emotions? When I read about the gambling it made me wonder whether this is an issue. It would explain him ... (read in full...)

I love my husband of 11 years but I'm in love with my lover of 7 years.

Q.   My problem is deep. I love my husband of fifteen years, who, unfortunately I have outgrown because he lacks vision, ambition and the ability to plan for our future, which includes our eleven year old daughter. I'm in love with my lover of seven ...

A.   8 May 2006: Good morning. I very much doubt that your lover will leave his girlfriend. If he was going to, he would have. He has been a very good friend but that is all and he probably does love you in his own way. It is not enough. If he wanted to be with ... (read in full...)

I found out he keeps texting his ex's and other girls. I can't live like this!

Q.   I can't help feeling like I have to snoop on my bf. We broke up before when I found out that he was texting his ex and when I asked him about it he lied...we had another break up when he was texting some girl all nite when he told me he had no ...

A.   5 May 2006: Staying in contact with ex girlfriends is questionable. Being secretive is totally unacceptable. I had that problem once and I knew he was discussing me with them, as well as issues in his life. It is an emotional betrayal. When you look around ... (read in full...)

He had an affair with this woman, and I don't know how she could do this...

Q.   My husband had an affair. We are working through the aftermath of pain and we are happier than we have been for a long time. However, I am having a problem with my anger at his mistress. She has set herself up as an agony aunt for betrayed women. ...

A.   5 May 2006: People compartmentalise issues in their lives, which makes it perfectly possible that she could see her affair with your husband and her grieving for the fact that she has been cheated on, as different. You are feeling angry with no place to... (read in full...)

I have scars from my bad skin in the past. How can I get rid of them?

Q.   Hi I have had bad skin in the past and now im left with the scars!! I was wonderin if anyone knew how to get rid of the remains of my childhood??Anyone know... any help would be great!!...

A.   4 May 2006: You can get them treated by laser if you look up a reputable clinic. Your doctor may be able to help suggest one. A regulated aesthetic treatment clinic is what you need. I don't know where you live but there is one called Cindy Knight Clinic in ... (read in full...)

The doctor prescribed viagra, but I'm not keen, any other ideas?

Q.   im 57 years old male been married for six years this is my second marriage.my problem is for the first few years we had great sex. but the last year i just dont have any sex drive at all my wife tries her best to get me going but i make a lot of ...

A.   4 May 2006: I have just helped a friend in a similar situation. If you could be confident and get going would you like to have this relationship back on an intimate footing? Believe me, the viagra will help you get your confidence back. My friend had a ... (read in full...)

I'm not sure how to tell my parents that I'm expecting a child, I'm still their baby...

Q.   I am a 21 year old female and my partner is 26 and we have just found out that i am expecting our child. I was scared at first but soon came around, we are both madly in love with eachother and we both know that we will always be together but i ...

A.   3 May 2006: CONGRATULATIONS, don't forget to be very happy while you worry about your parents. I am a lot older than you and my parents still treat me like their baby! Part of the right of passage into adulthood usually involves a clash or two. You may just ... (read in full...)

Feel like new man is controlling me, What should I do??

Q.   I have just turned forty and met the most amazing man. My daughter, family, friends and work mates all think he's wonderful. The problem is I feel smothered by him although he lets me do as I wish. He wants to spend 24/7 with me. What is wrong ...

A.   3 May 2006: Hello there. I know exactly what you mean. Perhaps you should start with telling him that whilst you have been swept along with the initial excitement of this relationship, that you feel there are areas of your life that you would like to reclaim. ... (read in full...)

Can you fall in love over the net?

Q.   I am currently involved in an online/long distance relationship. Can you fall in love over the net? Is it expecting too much for me to want him to restrain from chatting to other women, especially ex's or girls who he had a previous interest in?? ...

A.   2 May 2006: Whoops I pressed the wrong button. Anyway section 2 may be that you will agree to talk on the phone every so often for a month. During that time there will be things you will want to know. Write them down. Step 3 may be meeting and taki... (read in full...)

Can you fall in love over the net?

Q.   I am currently involved in an online/long distance relationship. Can you fall in love over the net? Is it expecting too much for me to want him to restrain from chatting to other women, especially ex's or girls who he had a previous interest in?? ...

A.   2 May 2006: You can't build a relationship on the Internet, you can just get to know hints about another person before deciding to meet. As for laying down rules when you haven't even met, this is far too early. If he is involved in sex-talk I would not touch ... (read in full...)

Feel guilty about my collegues crush, Whats the best option??

Q.   OK, so i am a married man, and work in a small shop with four other employees. Recently everyones has been meeting up outside work, and although we are good friends, i feel that i am missing out. One lady in particular i have a really good bond...

A.   2 May 2006: If you go further with this temptation you can be promised one thing, a bitter taste in your mouth that won't go away and more trouble than you could bargain for. It can be extremely hard to overcome temptation like this but if you love your wife ... (read in full...)

Half-way through sex I go soft, what can the problem be??

Q.   I have sex with my girlfriend we start doing it then half way through it i get soft what can be the problem?...

A.   28 April 2006: You should see a doctor. 80% of such problems have a physical cause, 20% are emotional. I know this because I have been helping a friend through this problem. Causes include diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol etc. You can make a ... (read in full...)

Is there anything wrong with his weird bump??

Q.   My boyfriend has a werid bump on his thing. Is that werid? He says its been there since he can remember. We were both each others first so it can be that problem. It is only noticable when its happy. What is wrong?...

A.   28 April 2006: It could be Peyronie's disease, don't panic, which you can do a search on via the Internet. It is a problem with the structures, nothing nasty. I cut and paste a small part of one article for you: The penis consists of basically three cylinder... (read in full...)

He's in jail because of me, but now I miss him!

Q.   I am in a relationship that has lasted four years. my partner has been abusing me starting four months into the relationship. we have a two year old child. my partner has an alcohol addiction. I have had a restraining order since I was pregnant. ...

A.   27 April 2006: Have you had any help to recover your low self esteem? I have a friend who went through the same thing. She went to see a psychologist who pinpointed that this was her issue and why she had no boundaries for self protection. She was drawn to ... (read in full...)

We've dated for six months... And broken up nine times!

Q.   I've been dating my boyfriend now for 6 months and in that short period of time he has broke up with me 9 times. Everytime he breaks it off and goes away for a couple days he comes back and wants to be back with me. He says that our breakups ...

A.   26 April 2006: Hello there. Is there a common theme to these arguments? Does it feel as though he is looking for faults or reasons when they happen? If he feels he would like more time to himself, he can have it without using this tactic surely. If he trying ... (read in full...)

How do we resolve our constant arguing?

Q.   my boyfriend and i just got over a rough patch of trust being broken. But the problem is that now we tend to argue a lot over little things. We plan to get married, yet we can get over this little stupid fights that sometimes turns into large. For ...

A.   26 April 2006: Youn don't say what the trust issue was about and although you may both be past that perhaps there is some resentment remaining. You can probably see some triggers; are they jealousy, being inconsiderate, different priorities, plans? You are both ... (read in full...)

We broke up and he tells me I am too large for sex. Should I believe him?

Q.   My boyfriend and I just broke up.. It's kinda a long story so I won't get into it. Part of our problem was sexual. He started by saying that I am super hot..the hottest girl he has ever been with. He would watch me in the shower, masterbate while ...

A.   25 April 2006: I am sue that you are absolutely fine. It sounds as though he has the issue and is being mentally cruel as well. It sounds as though he has a problem connecting emotionally with women and perhaps there is a clue in his past. Perhaps it is just ... (read in full...)

He is running away from his problems...is he running away from me?

Q.   My boyfriend of nearly 3 years has just told me he has booked a holiday to visit his friend abroad 10 days in less than a months time, alone. The break will cost nearly £900, we are supposed to be saving towards a house and this will set us back a ...

A.   24 April 2006: The most upsetting thing about his is that he did not discuss it with you first. Perhaps he knew you would say no. I have a brother who does the same to his partner for the same reason. He likes to go off with his mates on motorbikes. It may be ... (read in full...)

Am I overreacting about why's he's still married to his wife?

Q.   I have been with my partner for almost a year and we live together. He has been seperated from his wife for 3 years, but is not yet divorced. He says its a matter of money but I think he could afford it if he really wanted to. He has 3 kids and I ...

A.   24 April 2006: Has he agreed a financial settlement with her or is his name still on the mortgage? If they divorce there will be a division of assets and perhaps he is concerned about this. The act of divorcing is very stressful and perhaps he hopes not to rock ... (read in full...)

Should I leave or try and work this out?

Q.   i've been in a relationship for 4 years and we've had a break 4 a few months when i was pregnant with our daughter because of cheating and catching him on datng lines 3 times he proposed at new year then i came home the other day and found out he ...

A.   24 April 2006: You poor thing, how awful. I would only consider trying if he agrees to counselling together and even then it would be a last chance. He may need to work on himself first, or it may be better for you to be together from the start and you need good ... (read in full...)

Can't seem to leave my cheating ex... What can I do?

Q.   i am in a bit of a dilemma.... i am with my boyf 3 years now.. when we first got together we were toegther one month and he cheated on me with an older woman. i forgave him but he then left me for her.. there relationship lasted 2 moonths and then...

A.   24 April 2006: You feel very sad and you know he is not right for you. You will not be the one to save him even though you are special. This is one of those times when you have to let go, whilst recognising that you have cared deeply for him. There is no point ... (read in full...)

Should I have an affair??

Q.   I met a man at work when he came from an agency to cover shifts, we went for a drink after work and had a kiss in his car the only thing is he's married and wants us to have an affair. Should i because i don't want anyone full time and it would su...

A.   24 April 2006: I feel sorry for his wife. If life could be all about convenience with no repurcussions and nobody had to work for worthwhile things, wouldn't it be a bit empty? The situation may make you unhappy in the future. Women find it very hard to have a ... (read in full...)

Children cant accept our family is breaking up, What can I do?

Q.   Hi - I am so low and I just don't know what to do My wife and I seprated in last year although we only told the kids it was permenant a few months back and they have now started spening time over night at my house My son was in initially ups...

A.   24 April 2006: I have been and am going through similar things. Children don't like to accept that their parents are never going to be together again. When I parted from my husband we still made joint outings and shared time at Christmas, birthdays etc. When I ... (read in full...)

I lied about my first kiss, now I have told him and hes dumped me. Will he ever trust me again??

Q.   I am 20 years old and have been dating my boyfriend, 22, for almost a year and a half. This is the first and only relationship either of us has had. We were both very inexperienced and have had a lot of "firsts" together. About three months i...

A.   24 April 2006: It is your right to keep some things about yourself to yourself. This is personal privacy and personal space. If I had been asked in your place I would not perhaps not have shared so much information because I have made the mistake before. Anyway ... (read in full...)

She has to pee a lot... Is my girlfriend pregnant?

Q.   I was out with my girlfriend for 6 hours today.. within those 6 hours she had to go to the bathroom 4 times. and they seemed to be really close together. I know one of the signs of pregnancy is having to pee a lot more frequently.. could this be a ...

A.   15 April 2006: You don't need to have an STI infection to get uncomfortable and need to pee a lot. You get it if you are active sexually as well. Perhaps she was telling you that her period is due because she would like a rest! Especially if a bit sore. ... (read in full...)

He wants to go to a strip club, and I'm deadset against it!

Q.   My guy wants to go to a strip club, knowing full well I'm against it COMPLETELY. When he told me (in front of another religious friend) you can imagine I wasn't too pleased. I think told him what I thought. He then became the one in power and was ...

A.   12 April 2006: Perhaps he is trying to challenge you on purpose. I find it a bit cringey as a thought, imagining my bloke drooling over someone else technicolour naked....yuk. Men don't understand how it makes a woman feel because most women don't go to see male ... (read in full...)

Engaged to marry in three weeks'... but I'm not in love with my fiancee and I AM in love with someone else

Q.   I am due to get married in three weeks time to my partner of 4 years, but I have fallen in love with another woman who is my soulmate and who I feel for and care for so much. We have known each other for 6 months and since then have been talking ...

A.   12 April 2006: It is awful to feel trapped and in a position where the only way out is to hurt someone. You don't have much time either so you will have to do it quickly. My cousin did the same thing, but left it until the night before, which was very ... (read in full...)

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