Can a narcissist and a co-dependent person have a relationship that works?
Q. Hi. I am a co-dependent person. For those who do not know what this is, it is a person who feels the need to please other people in order to get his own validation. I have had treatment for this but still ahve strong codependent tendencies. Last...
A. 27 May 2011: "Problem is, we each play our roles so well, the relationship fits into a comfortable pattern...even though we are not really relating to each other. "
well it's not really a comfortable pattern when you have resentment brewing in you...ov... (read in full...)
My GF thinks I cheat on her and is subjecting me to immense physical and mental abuse!
Q. hey guys n girls, longer story....help me.... im sorry if im not typing correctly to be honest im so depressed and sad. ok 3 yrs ago me and my gf got into a very big fight and she smacked me in my face then later she hit me with a bottle. I left h...
A. 27 May 2011: Your feelings and distress are very typical for victims of domestic violence. You are completely normal, as far as any normal person would be when put into this situation. As a result of the abuse, your self esteem is so eroded, you doubt your own ... (read in full...)
My GF thinks I cheat on her and is subjecting me to immense physical and mental abuse!
Q. hey guys n girls, longer story....help me.... im sorry if im not typing correctly to be honest im so depressed and sad. ok 3 yrs ago me and my gf got into a very big fight and she smacked me in my face then later she hit me with a bottle. I left h...
A. 26 May 2011: You're right that you are in an abusive relationship. She is physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. There is no doubt about it. And like most victims of abuse, you are worn down, your sense of reality is distorted, and your self esteem so ... (read in full...)
Married woman's marriage in trouble. Can I be there to pick up the pieces?
Q. Hey guys. First time here. Hoping you can help. I have feelings for a woman who is married. She is going through some hard times in her marriage right now and seems to be struggling about whether to stay with her husband. We have been having ...
A. 26 May 2011: you shouldn't be setting things in motion with her until you've made a break from your wife.
what's stopping you from leaving your wife if you want to be with someone else? Conversely, what's preventing you from backing off from your friend i... (read in full...)
Can a narcissist and a co-dependent person have a relationship that works?
Q. Hi. I am a co-dependent person. For those who do not know what this is, it is a person who feels the need to please other people in order to get his own validation. I have had treatment for this but still ahve strong codependent tendencies. Last...
A. 26 May 2011: "I seek to please her and care little about my own feelings and needs. Sometimes I get resentful, but I am able to bear this and debase myself much more than other people."
resentment is always a warning sign, it doesn't go away by itself it bu... (read in full...)
My wife has gotten so fat, I can barely have sex with her!
Q. When I married my wife she was smoking hot. I would say an LA "8". Everywhere we went cars honked at her, I couldn't take a piss w/o a guy taking my barstool and taking his shot. Even women hit on her So we got married. As the years ticked by ...
A. 25 May 2011: don't feel bad or guilty, it's normal for you to be feeling the way you do.
You can love someone without being sexually attracted to them (you do this all the time with your other family members)
But marriage is a unique relationship bec... (read in full...)
just want her to be happy. Work is only a small fragment of our life, we have got so much to enjoy and appreciate in this world. Why can't she see that?
Q. I have known my wife for 3 years and a half, we met while working in the same company. Since then she has left and joined two other companies. We do have the usual arguments now and then which we can handle. However there is one thing that I fel...
A. 25 May 2011: I also wanted to add, when you said:
"I have suggested to her to either find professional help or else we sit down together to discuss her goals and what actions to take to achieve it."
My opinion is that, it would be much better for her t... (read in full...)
just want her to be happy. Work is only a small fragment of our life, we have got so much to enjoy and appreciate in this world. Why can't she see that?
Q. I have known my wife for 3 years and a half, we met while working in the same company. Since then she has left and joined two other companies. We do have the usual arguments now and then which we can handle. However there is one thing that I fel...
A. 25 May 2011: "Have I been too harsh? I was broken-hearted to see her cry like that, I wonder if it's worth it. But then, is the current pain now necessary to alleviate future pains?"
No you were not too harsh with her at all!! I think you handled the situatio... (read in full...)
I get so frustrated about my bf's habit of walking away from our arguments!
Q. Is it a bad thing to walk away from a fight? Or an argument? Instead of staying around and sort things out? My boyfriend and I ended up in an argument, where his final response was that he couldn't say anything right because it seems I get hurt...
A. 25 May 2011: It really depends on the situation and context.
If the argument is escalating and emotions are heated, then it can be healthy to say "I'm going to walk away so we can both cool down because continuing to hash it out while emotions are running ... (read in full...)
Is my boyfriend losing interest?
Q. I haven't seen my boyfriend since Mother's Day, and then the weekend after that I had gotten sick. He hasn't asked me to come over, but I'm unsure if he's waiting to see if I'll ask him. He's a workaholic though and has a graphic design and printing ...
A. 21 May 2011: He could just be going through a busy time in his career. You said he's always been a workaholic so this doesn't sound out of character. furthermore if you've been texting back and forth and talked on the phone and it seemed fine and he said he ... (read in full...)
I need some advice to help pull me out of this rut.
Q. I think I'm depressed. I feel like I can't move forward with my life. I feel physically sick, my heart hurts and I want to cry. I'm 23, I'm unemployed again, through no fault of my own. I'm still living with my parents. My circle of friends keeps...
A. 21 May 2011: You should talk with a counselor or a therapist. They can help you figure out where your trapped feeling comes from, and what can be done about it.
Your feelings of not being good enough indicate low self-esteem. This in turn affects your beh... (read in full...)
Husband doesn't want to be with me anymore because I support my family
Q. My husband says that he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I support my family. My family is overseas and I am living in USA since 2007, I have a decent job and YES I help my family sending some money each month. We both work and we don't ...
A. 21 May 2011: It sounds like you and your husband had massive communication problems in your relationship all along. You had no idea that he even cared that you send money to your family. Yet he did care about it and to such a great degree that he can't take it ... (read in full...)
I'm the only single guy left in my group of friends. Feeling left out!
Q. I'm feeling really lost right now and It's starting to get me down. I'm 25 and recently finished my time serving active duty in the military. I was really excited about getting out and moving back to my hometown, but I'm finding the transition ...
A. 21 May 2011: It's never too late to do anything. People much older than you, are still searching for their life partner (some never married, others made mistakes and are divorced)...people change careers at mid-life - which you are not even close to yet - and ... (read in full...)
Are women just completely selfish?
Q. I was married for 12 years when I found out that my wife had been having an affair for 3 years. After about 8 months of trying to work at staying together for our at the time 8 year old twin boys I finally realized I couldn't be with her anymore. S...
A. 21 May 2011: so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. It's very understandable that you've been deeply scarred emotionally and psychologically by your wife's betrayal and thus you instinctively "protect" yourself by not letting your guard down fully, ... (read in full...)
I'm the only single guy left in my group of friends. Feeling left out!
Q. I'm feeling really lost right now and It's starting to get me down. I'm 25 and recently finished my time serving active duty in the military. I was really excited about getting out and moving back to my hometown, but I'm finding the transition ...
A. 20 May 2011: some times it can help to change your perspective...try to stop comparing yourself to this particular group of friends. their way is not the only way. the yardstick by which you measure yourself a "failure" is arbitrary. for example, if we set the ... (read in full...)
How do you end an affair when you are "the other guy"?
Q. I posted a question similar to this one a while back, but I can't seem to motivate myself to end this, even though my mind is saying enough is enough! I've been involved with a married woman for a couple of years now, and I don't feel like I live in ...
A. 20 May 2011: have you talked with her seriously about this? you could tell her plainly what you want - for her to leave her husband - and that you don't want to keep seeing her when she's still married.
by being available to her all these years, you're e... (read in full...)
Does love trump progression in a relationship?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years, we are now 27 years old. We currently do not live together, I live at home because I just finished university, and since he dropped out of highschool, the job he has does not give him enough money to ...
A. 20 May 2011: sounds to me like you're wasting time with this guy. And besides, if you've been with him since you were 16, you don't know if he really is the one for you since you haven't been with anyone else...and right now, he is not looking like ... (read in full...)
How do you end an affair when you are "the other guy"?
Q. I posted a question similar to this one a while back, but I can't seem to motivate myself to end this, even though my mind is saying enough is enough! I've been involved with a married woman for a couple of years now, and I don't feel like I live in ...
A. 17 May 2011: How "loveless" her marriage is, you really don't know. Unless you actually live in the house with them or set up a spy-cam to observe them in their private moments, you really have no idea of the true nature of their relationship. She could be lying ... (read in full...)
Wife will not have sex with me if she's sober
Q. My wife will not have sex with me unless she has several drinks in her. We have been married for over 20 years and this has been the case since the begining. When I was younger, I knew that this was kind of disfunctional and I tried to talk to her ...
A. 17 May 2011: if your wife refuses counseling, she has her own reasons and you have to respect that. You can't force someone into counseling (you can drag them there but it would probably be a waste of your time and money). Maybe some day in the future she'll be ... (read in full...)
What really happened here? He said he was leaving her for me and would step up and be a man, but I have not heard from him in a month!
Q. Hello, My question is, I'm confused about my x, we broke up about a year ago...we didn't see each other for the whole year, we were under strict rules not to, after the year was up he came right to me, told me how much he had missed me, loved me...
A. 16 May 2011: He's all talk, you can't trust his words. He came to you wanting to get back, crying to you and so on...while he was still living with his girlfriend?? why hadn't he broken up with her first and then come looking for you?
if he's with her beca... (read in full...)
In-laws control my wife and are ruining what could be a good marriage!
Q. Dear Cupid, I have been married for 2.5 years. Before the wedding we had a great relationship. I just recevied my Masters Degree and started a great job after being jobless for 2 months. The wedding was beautiful. Ok now imagine the sound ...
A. 16 May 2011: You've been married for 2.5 years, and in counseling for 1.5 years and still feel like there's no hope? then you need to divorce and move on.
Your wife and her family have zero respect for your personal boundaries. The fact that your wife has no r... (read in full...)
Why won't my wife wear makeup?
Q. Hello there, Can you please advise me on what to do with my wife who doesn't like make up at all. We have been married and everything is great except that I would love my wife to put on a bit of make up. She tried it one time and she looked g...
A. 16 May 2011:
The question is, why is it so important to you that your wife wear make up? You gave her a lot of money for the express purpose of buying make up and are disappointed that she didn't spend it on that. So clearly this is a big deal to you. Why? have... (read in full...)
Without explanation I'm horrid to my boyfriend!
Q. I have been seeing/dating a guy for over a year. He has changed my life in many wonderful ways; I am a much happier, confident person because of him. I love this man very much, more than I have ever loved anyone; he is very kind, very sweet, and ...
A. 16 May 2011: It sounds like you have deep insecurities about the relationship and/or about yourself. Insecurity is related to low self esteem or low self confidence. Often, people with low confidence are hypersensitive to events that can be seen as an attack on ... (read in full...)
Wife will not have sex with me if she's sober
Q. My wife will not have sex with me unless she has several drinks in her. We have been married for over 20 years and this has been the case since the begining. When I was younger, I knew that this was kind of disfunctional and I tried to talk to her ...
A. 16 May 2011: since you say it's always been like this since the very beginning, then this isn't anything new, your relationship has been dysfunctional from the beginning, for over 20 years...it's just that you have "been OK" with things being this way for so ... (read in full...)
Does Smiling REALLY matter?
Q. Does "smiling" REALLY matter?? Been "told" I'm "pretty" and have a nice "smile" (hardly ever use it though) but I never believe it. I don't think I'm "pretty" at all. ...
A. 16 May 2011: sure, smiling matters, so does scowling or looking angry or upset....it affects how other people relate to you, which in turn affects your mood as well as your social interactions. some times even when you feel crappy, forcing yourself to act as if ... (read in full...)
How not to be jealous and insecure when my wife works with a lot of single young men?
Q. My wife has a job in a male-dominated field. I would say it's about 85% men. It also tends to skew young. We are in our 40's, but most people she works with are 25-35. That means that the great majority of them are single or have girlfrie...
A. 16 May 2011: I'm very glad your wife is making efforts to respect your feelings. Maybe she had no idea how much it was affecting you. But do remember that you need to similarly respect not push her for more than she is willing to give on her own. Just be careful ... (read in full...)
How do you end an affair when you are "the other guy"?
Q. I posted a question similar to this one a while back, but I can't seem to motivate myself to end this, even though my mind is saying enough is enough! I've been involved with a married woman for a couple of years now, and I don't feel like I live in ...
A. 16 May 2011: well it sounds like you don't really want to end this affair since you have been in it for a few years so there's probably emotional attachment and companionship or friendship on top of the attraction, and she is "drama free" meaning that you don't ... (read in full...)
How could he say this to me!
Q. My husband and I fought over something stupid on Mother's Day...we have not talked to each other about our child since then. On Monday our son had his last soccer game. We all went and some man held the door open for us as he was going out. I said ...
A. 14 May 2011: Your husband hits below the belt - spouses who can't or won't fight fair, greatly contribute to the destruction of their marriages. (but if you are also like that back at him then you can't complain).
If he wanted to continue fighting with you... (read in full...)
His ex has wrecked our relationship and now he's left me
Q. hi, me and my boyfriend have finished it has been hard from day one but we have been though so much. it all started a few months into our relationship, his ex kept emailing me saying she was still with him, and then it was he was still with his b...
A. 11 May 2011: sorry to hear what you've had to go through. Your boyfriend sounds like a very confused person. He either doesn't know what he wants, can't make a decision and stick with it, or else he has zero boundaries. (people who have no boundaries tend to be ... (read in full...)
How not to be jealous and insecure when my wife works with a lot of single young men?
Q. My wife has a job in a male-dominated field. I would say it's about 85% men. It also tends to skew young. We are in our 40's, but most people she works with are 25-35. That means that the great majority of them are single or have girlfrie...
A. 11 May 2011: I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this. This is my take on your situation, and you certainly don't have to accept or believe it:
It sounds like the real problem is not your wife's job or work habits, but your insecurities about yourself... (read in full...)
I wronged her two years ago, now we're together and I feel empty. Is something wrong with me?
Q. I figured once I left my ex (the girl I dated for 9 months) whom I had no love too, my world would get better. And for a short period it did. I got great friends, I started new hobbies and I got the chance to fall in love again. As if the universe ...
A. 11 May 2011: you seem to be feeling very guilty over having cheated on your girlfriend 2 years ago, even though she has forgiven you but you haven't forgiven yourself. Or maybe she hasn't really forgiven you and you can sense it?
if you haven't forgiven... (read in full...)
Will this horrible sickening anxiety and paranoia ever go away?
Q. I suffer from depression. This past 2 months, I have woken up daily with a terrible sickening gut wrenching feeling. It's awful and it never goes away. I've become increasingly paranoid, over sensitive, clingy and exceedingly untrusting. In my head, ...
A. 11 May 2011: Transferring to another university would be a good solution. It sounds like you may be a victim of bullying. Bullying doesn't just happen when you're a child, it happens in universities and in workplaces too. it's a very real and pervasive problem, ... (read in full...)
Who would want me and where would I go if I leave this relationship?
Q. Hi all, i'm new here. I'm 28 wit my boyfriend same age for 4 and half years. We hav been livin 2gether for 3 and half years. I'm just not sure if i want to continue in this relationship. I've been sick and had brain surgery recently and he ha...
A. 10 May 2011: you may be afraid leave the relationship because you're afraid to be alone, but really you probably already ARE alone just that by being alone in a relationship you're not free either (to have a chance at a better life).
You're asking "who wou... (read in full...)
Will this horrible sickening anxiety and paranoia ever go away?
Q. I suffer from depression. This past 2 months, I have woken up daily with a terrible sickening gut wrenching feeling. It's awful and it never goes away. I've become increasingly paranoid, over sensitive, clingy and exceedingly untrusting. In my head, ...
A. 9 May 2011: You are NOT a 'psycho.' Your roommate is the one who has serious unresolved issues if she got so bothered because you have depression. Realize that for whatever reason she must have already hated you even before you told her about your depression, ... (read in full...)
Will this horrible sickening anxiety and paranoia ever go away?
Q. I suffer from depression. This past 2 months, I have woken up daily with a terrible sickening gut wrenching feeling. It's awful and it never goes away. I've become increasingly paranoid, over sensitive, clingy and exceedingly untrusting. In my head, ...
A. 9 May 2011: Is it possible to remove or get a break from the source of your stress? ( I guess not, otherwise you would have done that by now?). Is there anyone you can talk to? Some times, talking to someone who is sympathetic and non-judgmental, can really ... (read in full...)
Long distance relationship entirely trustful apart from one incident?
Q. Hello, I was going to write a massively long message detailing myrelationship but would prob be better just to summarise: I'm 23 and my girlfriend is the same age, at different unis about two hours away from each other on the east coast. I ...
A. 9 May 2011: maybe she cheated on you to 'even the score' . Or maybe she didn't do it intentionally to hurt you, but after she learned about you having cheated on her in the beginning, she re-calibrated herself to the "real" state of the relationship. Because by ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend was diagnosed with depression and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells
Q. Hey. So after a really, really bad "episode," my boyfriend was recently diagnosed with depression. He and his parents and his doctor decided the best way to handle it is through psychotherapy only without the use of antidepressants. Most of time h...
A. 7 May 2011: I've been in your situation so I know what you mean and how hard it is. It seems that no matter what you say or don't say, whatever you do or dont' do, it will 'set him off' or make him plunge into another episode. some times you really are in a ... (read in full...)
Deep down, I'm overwhelmed by anger. I need help.
Q. What would cause someone to have constant feelings of anger? I'm angry all the time, and not sure as to whether I should talk to anyone about it. I worry that my friends would think I'm a horrible person and that my parents would worry about me, ...
A. 6 May 2011: ...sorry I accidentally hit the "send" button too soon!
.
anyway as I was saying...
Anger is often an instinctive self-defense or coping mechanism, your subconscious trying to protect yourself from other intense negative emotions (like grief... (read in full...)
Deep down, I'm overwhelmed by anger. I need help.
Q. What would cause someone to have constant feelings of anger? I'm angry all the time, and not sure as to whether I should talk to anyone about it. I worry that my friends would think I'm a horrible person and that my parents would worry about me, ...
A. 6 May 2011: You are not a bad person, don't feel ashamed of your feelings of anger. In fact, you're doing the right thing of recognizing and admitting that you have these intense feelings of anger. And you're also doing the right thing of keeping it under ... (read in full...)
Does showing possessiveness and jealousy flatter or anger your partner?
Q. Hello guys, if you show your boyfriend your jealousy that you do not want him to go to his bar even though he wants to go, does that make you controlling? or does that make him want to do more things that makes you upset? do you think, when i...
A. 6 May 2011: speaking VERY generally here....
for most people, showing a little jealousy is flattering in the beginning of the relationship or if the other partner is also insecure about how much you love them.
but if you show jealousy frequently, then... (read in full...)
Why is my g/f so frigid? Am I that repulsive?
Q. My girlfriend (27y) of 9 months and I (26y) have never been intimate, never discussed sex (she gets extremely uncomfortable), never ventured our hands between each others' legs. I always respect her comfort level. I feel unwanted. I feel...
A. 5 May 2011: first off, getting angry and blaming her probably wont' solve anything and just make things worse.
You need to talk with her and communicate with her, to try and find out why she's so unwilling to be intimate with you. Not to be blaming her and ... (read in full...)
just want her to be happy. Work is only a small fragment of our life, we have got so much to enjoy and appreciate in this world. Why can't she see that?
Q. I have known my wife for 3 years and a half, we met while working in the same company. Since then she has left and joined two other companies. We do have the usual arguments now and then which we can handle. However there is one thing that I fel...
A. 5 May 2011: No you are not the one who is selfish and uncaring - she is. Don't get me wrong, she is suffering a lot of anxiety and angst that's for sure, but she's not taking responsibility for her own feelings or solving her own problems like a responsible ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's counselor may be trying to ruin our relationship. Should I suggest he try a new therapist?
Q. Last week my boyfriend and I were closer than ever. We've known each other more than eight years. Then, after talking to his medical counsellor, he starts saying that we should just be friends, which I can't do, and his counselor had asked him why ...
A. 5 May 2011: So sorry you're going through this....This can be quite complicated... the goal of counseling varies, but ultimately it's up to the client to determine what they want to achieve by going to the counselor. A counselor doesn't tell people what life ... (read in full...)
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