Married man wants to keep me as his side dish. How do I walk away?
Q. Hi Cupids. This is my first time here. I could really use your advice. You can be honest and harsh, whatever you feel is necessary. I know what I have done is not right. I am a married mom and I have been having an emotional affair (no physi...
A. 13 September 2011: it's good that you're trying to move on from the other man. It may not have been your decision, but that's the reality of the situation.
It's also good that you've finally told your husband the truth of how you feel about the marriage. Even if ... (read in full...)
Married man wants to keep me as his side dish. How do I walk away?
Q. Hi Cupids. This is my first time here. I could really use your advice. You can be honest and harsh, whatever you feel is necessary. I know what I have done is not right. I am a married mom and I have been having an emotional affair (no physi...
A. 1 September 2011: "But I know my husband has always been and always will be in my corner. And I know I can trust him with my life. My husband would take a bullet for me any time, anywhere......My husband is a wonderful man and a wonderful person and I should be lucky ... (read in full...)
I'm Madly in love with this girl and want her! Plz help?
Q. Hi dear frnds. now my story is bit complicated. its been 6 months we are together, the girl is engaged but not officially, like there were only talks between the 2 families, no ring ceremony happened. so technically gal is single. we have been ...
A. 27 August 2011: I'm glad you've decided to accept her decision with respect and maturity. I know it's very difficult to do, but I think you did the right thing and wish you the best of luck. ... (read in full...)
Married man wants to keep me as his side dish. How do I walk away?
Q. Hi Cupids. This is my first time here. I could really use your advice. You can be honest and harsh, whatever you feel is necessary. I know what I have done is not right. I am a married mom and I have been having an emotional affair (no physi...
A. 27 August 2011: I think you have a lot to figure out on your own, and clarify where your problems are coming from, so you can decide what to do that will make your life better and not have it be dependent on one specific outcome.
You know that you're unhappy ... (read in full...)
I'm Madly in love with this girl and want her! Plz help?
Q. Hi dear frnds. now my story is bit complicated. its been 6 months we are together, the girl is engaged but not officially, like there were only talks between the 2 families, no ring ceremony happened. so technically gal is single. we have been ...
A. 26 August 2011: well I think this is already 'the end' because she has said she wants to pull out of this relationship. You refusing to accept it and continuing to pursue it, is now crossing a line and probably won't change her mind.
I know it's hard for you ... (read in full...)
Married man wants to keep me as his side dish. How do I walk away?
Q. Hi Cupids. This is my first time here. I could really use your advice. You can be honest and harsh, whatever you feel is necessary. I know what I have done is not right. I am a married mom and I have been having an emotional affair (no physi...
A. 25 August 2011: He is feeling ambivalent, that's all. And no wonder, because that's often how people feel when they are in an affair. He enjoys your attention and company when it's convenient, but he doesn't want it badly enough to go out of his way to pursue it ... (read in full...)
Wife doesn't want to leave me, but isn't 'in love' anymore. She's happier with her FWB.
Q. I'm a married man, and my wife has just said that she still loves me but is not in love with me. She says I'm a great father and husband and she doesn't want to hurt me. Then, she explained, she has a friend which has gotten into the "with benefi...
A. 25 August 2011: Reading your follow up post, it's still not clear why you're staying in this marriage.
You say you follow the spirit of the law, not the letter. but with her carrying on an affair, seems to me to be breaking the spirit of the law. the spirit o... (read in full...)
Wife doesn't want to leave me, but isn't 'in love' anymore. She's happier with her FWB.
Q. I'm a married man, and my wife has just said that she still loves me but is not in love with me. She says I'm a great father and husband and she doesn't want to hurt me. Then, she explained, she has a friend which has gotten into the "with benefi...
A. 24 August 2011: It is an affair even though she prefers not to call it that because it eases her own guilt. Let's call a spade a spade.
Affairs are usually due to unmet needs in the marriage. The reason there are unmet needs can be many. It could be due to the o... (read in full...)
I want my b/f to buy a hamster for me. Is it wrong for me to ask?
Q. I'm poor. I don't have a cent to my name, and have been trying to get a job to have income for the past three months. I have a boyfriend and he always seems to have plenty of money. I am with him because i love him deeply (not for money... he never ...
A. 23 August 2011: No don't ask your bf to buy you a hamster. Not only is it inappropriate to ask him to give you money (which is essentially what this is), but even if he buys you a hamster how will you afford the other things that the hamster will need - like food, ... (read in full...)
I've been a serial cheater but now my life is in a mess
Q. Firstly I know I have brought this on myself but here goes, I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years, and she is and was everything I could wish for and treated me better than anyone ever has but still I have cheated on her like I have with all ...
A. 23 August 2011: If you want your girlfriend back, you should be honest with her that you've been cheating on her and let her decide if she wants to get back together with you or not, and just accept her decision.
You may want to see a counselor to figure out why ... (read in full...)
How can he not cater to me on those special moments in our first year of dating.
Q. I am in a relationship with this guy who for the first time I am in love with. He is going through some financial problems in his business but things are getting better. It has not gone to the point where he couldn't pay his bills so I believe he is ...
A. 23 August 2011: No you're not being selfish, but you are being unfair to him by not being direct and honest with him the previous times when you were disappointed, and what you want from him. You can't expect him to read your mind and know what you want, and how ... (read in full...)
I do drugs, smoke and drink to relieve boredom. I want help to stop before I ruin my life
Q. Hi :) I'm asking this because im starting to get a bit worried. Im generally a sensible person, but I dont (in my view) have a very exciting life and sometimes I feel really trapped and I have to go out and do something that I wouldn't usually do. ...
A. 23 August 2011: hi, I think you may benefit greatly from seeing a counselor. The reasons:
- you say you feel trapped. Despair creates the need for temporary escape from life, which is what the drinking and drugs provides temporarily, which is one reason they are... (read in full...)
I'm Madly in love with this girl and want her! Plz help?
Q. Hi dear frnds. now my story is bit complicated. its been 6 months we are together, the girl is engaged but not officially, like there were only talks between the 2 families, no ring ceremony happened. so technically gal is single. we have been ...
A. 23 August 2011: well, you can ask her why she's so afraid or reluctant to tell her mom that she doesn't want to marry that guy.
dont' pressure her to talk to her mom. Instead, just ask her what she's feeling and thinking, without criticizing or making judgment... (read in full...)
Is it too late? I went back to my ex but I cant get the other man out of my head....
Q. I am a mid 20 year old woman and have been a relationship with a man for 12 years. The last eyar was rough as far as he was being verbally abusive, fighting all the time and never around, there was a man who wanted me a mid 30 year old and I fell ...
A. 23 August 2011: I think a major reason you are having trouble deciding what to do, is because up til now your decisions in relationships have been driven by a fear of being alone rather than by what you really and truly want or need from a partner.
Rathe... (read in full...)
My wife won't have sex with me because of past sexual abuse. How can we heal?
Q. My wife of 20 years and I have always had a poor sex life except for probably the first sex months that we dated, but she abruptly stopped having sex with me a decade ago. She says it creeps her out and she feels like she's being raped. She has ...
A. 20 August 2011: "I am very frustrated at this point and considering leaving her, because she just seems like a very broken person that I can't fix - certainly not without her help. "
it's understandable that you feel very frustrated and hurt, but you hit the nail... (read in full...)
I'm told my ex I'm pregnant and now he doesn't want to talk to me anymore
Q. My ex boyfriend and i we're very good friends but now i'm pregnant and it seems he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. It's been like 3 years that i ended my relationship with him and we decide to be friends but he'd say stay in love me (or that's ...
A. 20 August 2011: Unless there are other reasons for your ex becoming distant (maybe he's busy with other things in his life), he may be feeling uncomfortable for any number of reasons. If it bothers you that the friendship has changed, you can try talking to him ... (read in full...)
I'm Madly in love with this girl and want her! Plz help?
Q. Hi dear frnds. now my story is bit complicated. its been 6 months we are together, the girl is engaged but not officially, like there were only talks between the 2 families, no ring ceremony happened. so technically gal is single. we have been ...
A. 20 August 2011: So basically you and her are in a relationship but she is destined for an arranged marriage in the near future, is this correct?
She has to decide what marriage means to her and what her plans for her life are. If she proceeds with the arranged... (read in full...)
Should I take a chance and quit my job?
Q. Basically i have been really considering leaving my job in the fall. I feel like i am stuck and after almost 5 years if i stay another year, my job as an assistant will basically be my career. I am also very tired of the labor aspect..being on my ...
A. 20 August 2011: It sounds like you're really in a dilemma.
There's a few options to consider when making your decision;
1. In this difficult economy, many people would say that you're lucky to even have a job at all, which is true. This is not to say that you ... (read in full...)
We've got so much work to do to get our marriage back on track but he is still talking to the girl he was seeing whilst we were separated!
Q. My husband and I have been separated for the last 6 months, during which time we both started seeing other people. In the last few weeks though, we have decided that we still love each other and want to try again. The circumstances of our ...
A. 19 August 2011: it sounds like your husband isn't really committed to working on your marriage, which means that any effort to improve your marriage is going to fail because it takes both people to work on it.
He is saying one thing but doing something else, an... (read in full...)
How can I let him down nicely but make it clear we are over?
Q. My ex-boyfriend is behaving differently to the usual, even being irritating with me and I think it's because he wants to get back together. We were kind of in an open relationship for about 1.5yrs and then we dated for about 4 months before I ...
A. 19 August 2011: If you're already broken up, then you shouldn't feel that you have any obligation to him. He's behaving as if you're still in a relationship together and still have obligations to each other, when the fact is that you don't.... (read in full...)
Is it verbal abuse or is it actually my fault?
Q. I need some help dealing with my husband. I suspect that he is being verbally / emotionally abusive but I honestly don't know anymore. Maybe it really is my fault. We've been married for 9 years, have no kids and we both work all the time at fair...
A. 19 August 2011: I agree with the previous posters. You should remove yourself from this situation to regain some perspective. When you're constantly around someone who regularly engages in 'crazy making' your ability to see things clearly is hindered and you come ... (read in full...)
Friend is in an abusive relationship, how can I help her?
Q. i have a friend who she is always in a relationship with a very abusive boyfriend. she has always cam crawling to me and some of her other friends for help. now one time or two times and they break up is fine but this now the 10th time with the same ...
A. 1 August 2011: Unfortunately you probably can't do anything more to help her, she has to want to help herself. All you can do is stay in contact with her so that if and when she finally decides to help herself, she has the support she will need.
Learn to ... (read in full...)
I don't want to be somebody who is never happy with what they have....but I dream of being with another man!
Q. I just turned 30, well, geeze, I'm not sure what's really important to outline here, but here goes: I've had long relationships throughout my life with the most recent being 5 years now, but I've never made it past 6 years... maybe that's just coi...
A. 28 July 2011: You communicated honestly with him and his response is to accuse you of calling him a failure. Unless you specifically called him a failure or used blaming-and-shaming language, he is emotionally blackmailing you. He's trying to prevent you from ... (read in full...)
I don't want to be somebody who is never happy with what they have....but I dream of being with another man!
Q. I just turned 30, well, geeze, I'm not sure what's really important to outline here, but here goes: I've had long relationships throughout my life with the most recent being 5 years now, but I've never made it past 6 years... maybe that's just coi...
A. 26 July 2011: this is a tough situation, and you summed it very well:
"In my family, if it's good enough, it would be your stupidity for getting rid of it, and I now have no good excuse."
I think what it boils down to is basically have to find your own va... (read in full...)
How can I get my husband back in my bed?
Q. My husband won't sleep in the same bed as me. We have two young kids and it started when they were babies and he needed more sleep for work. 6 years later - now he's gotten used to sleeping alone and claims he cannot get a good night's sleep in our ...
A. 23 July 2011: To me it sounds like there's deeper issues than that he just doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you. that's just the superficial symptom of the much bigger issues going on in your marriage. From what I see:
There's a lack of emotiona... (read in full...)
Even if therapy works, how can I love my wife again?
Q. My wife of 3 years is a beautiful person and a wonderful Mother to our 5 month old daughter. But we fight too much about too small of things. She often gets mad at me if I want to do some things for myself, and she's never satisfied with how much ...
A. 23 July 2011: sure it's possible to love your wife again. Anything's possible. but not everything is likely to happen. So loving your wife is possible, but that doesn't mean it's likely.
emotional intimacy comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to the o... (read in full...)
Even if therapy works, how can I love my wife again?
Q. My wife of 3 years is a beautiful person and a wonderful Mother to our 5 month old daughter. But we fight too much about too small of things. She often gets mad at me if I want to do some things for myself, and she's never satisfied with how much ...
A. 21 July 2011: It takes two people to have a good relationship, and just one person to destroy it. If you're willing and putting effort and your wife is not, then no amount of therapy will help. Therapy is not like surgery that cures regardless of your motivation ... (read in full...)
He disappeared after our second date...and I miss him so much I cry myself to sleep!
Q. I dated someone twice. Then, he disappeared - he didn't make contact with me after the second date. I haven't seen / heard from him for 2 weeks now. I'm disappointed and confused. I'm too embarrassed to call him because the last time we met (2nd...
A. 21 July 2011: Why not contact him? There could be many reasons why he didn't contact you, that have nothing to do with you. ... (read in full...)
Do I leave this marriage or stay out of guilt?
Q. I was married when I was 19 years old ( I am 24 now) and I am losing hope for my marriage. When I got into this relationship I truly did love my husband. However, we fight very often, and the fights have sometimes become physical on both sides ...
A. 21 July 2011: You should leave your husband. There is abuse going on in the marriage, and while you took responsibility for your part and have worked on your issues to change for the better, he has not worked on his. Things may be less rocky now, but that do... (read in full...)
I did not make these things happen. But they do affect me. How do people deal with these family pressures?
Q. What would you think,if your whole life got attacked by really bad fate? My life history is so tragic, nobody would eve believe it. My brother killed himself years ago, than my sister got into heroin and overdosed. Than my boyfriend died i...
A. 21 July 2011: I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. You've experienced a lot of loss in a very short time frame, and none of it was of your own doing. Right now you're still reeling from the losses and the hardships but you still need to soldier on because of the ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend punching things because he couldn't find his wallet. Is this emotional abuse?
Q. Hiya lovlies last weekend my bf and I planned a last minute roadtrip to his home town, he picked me up and we had to go to his place as he thought he left his wallet back at home. We got to his house, searched the whole place and could not find i...
A. 21 July 2011: if his intent was to have an effect on you (such as to intimidate you or manipulate you) then yes it is emotional abuse.
if his intent has nothing to do with you - such as, if he would behave the same way if he was single and had no relation... (read in full...)
Is it domestic abuse if my husband yells at me? my kids and I get very upset by it.
Q. From the outside, my life seems perfect. I am in my late 30's and have been married for 15 plus years. My husband and myself have advanced degrees, demanding careers, and 2 beautiful children. I am just wondering if it is verbal abuse if my ...
A. 20 July 2011: it's good that he claims he's going to try and change but you said you've been down this road before so I suspect this isn't the first time he's said that? it would better if he agreed to get professional help because if you've been down this road ... (read in full...)
Did I do the right thing in letting my husband go?
Q. Husband and I shared 11 years before we married in 2000, giving us 21. He was a social butterfly always needing to be around people. For the past 18 years he did make all decisions, took control of everything, he was the type needing to be in ...
A. 20 July 2011: Yes you did the right thing. It sounds like for the last 21 years you were the one sacrificing your needs to go along with whatever your husband decided. It also sounds like you have tried improving the relationship but he refuses to engage, is cold ... (read in full...)
I know I need counseling to end the affair, help!
Q. Dear cupid, I cannot cut off my relationship w/ this man whom I'm having an affair for 9 months now. I started seeing him back n nov of 2010 then worst of all the wife got pregnant n jan of this year. I am a married woman myself and not proud of ...
A. 20 July 2011: Some thoughts to help yourself to move on from your affair partner:
Realize that what you feel as "love" is likely to be infatuation that comes with any new relationship, and which wears off after awhile if there is nothing more substant... (read in full...)
Is it domestic abuse if my husband yells at me? my kids and I get very upset by it.
Q. From the outside, my life seems perfect. I am in my late 30's and have been married for 15 plus years. My husband and myself have advanced degrees, demanding careers, and 2 beautiful children. I am just wondering if it is verbal abuse if my ...
A. 20 July 2011: Yes it is verbal abuse. And the effects on spouses and especially on children can be devastating and long lasting.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
It will continue to happen as long as yo... (read in full...)
Ex wants me back after I met someone new!
Q. My ex and I have a little boy together. We went on a break 6 months ago because we were not getting along. He wanted some distance and I was hurt badly by this response. I thought I would never get over my ex. Now I have met a new guy and I was ...
A. 16 July 2011: if your ex isn't forthcoming about his true intentions and future plans that apparently involve you, then this is NOT a good sign for a relationship with him.
whether it works out with the new guy or not remains to be seen, it's too soon to tell.... (read in full...)
My ex is sending me mixed signals and tells me he needs a few years to figure out if he wants to stay married to me!
Q. My husband and I split up because he couldn't handle a stressful situation that we had no control over..he just couldn't step up to the plate and give support when needed. Now the situation is over, it is two months since I moved out and the whole ...
A. 15 July 2011: for the sake of your own mental health and sanity, I would suggest that you give him a deadline by which he has to make a decision and that anything other than a resounding "yes" to staying married, will be taken as a "no." If your deadline comes ... (read in full...)
At times I just feel like I should just let myself be used, but at least then I'll have somefriends...
Q. dear Cupid, I have a problem finding quality friends. It seems with in my circle of aquaintances of people I know the drama queens, mooches/users,pill poppers,selfish,materialistic, boastful/self important and just the average jerk seem to have all...
A. 15 July 2011: Maybe a place to start is to ask yourself if your judgment of people is accurate or are you viewing people through a distorted lens by choosing to focus on their negatives and blow those out of proportion?
everyone has both positive and negative... (read in full...)
I hate how bitter she's being about the break up. She was hurt more than I was but now that I want back together, shouldn't that fix it?
Q. So, I'm not one for dating advice columns or anything like that. That being said, bear with me a bit. Alright, so I've been through a lot of difficult relationships. I recognize the fact that the difficulty in some cases was my doing. I though...
A. 15 July 2011: you say you want her back, but you don't say anything about YOU making changes to be a better boyfriend this time. If you want the relationship back exactly the way it was the first time around, then what do you expect will happen? you'll break up ... (read in full...)
When do I tell my boyfriend that his decision to not have any more children is a deal breaker for me? I want to end things
Q. My boyfriend and I were due to get engaged. We’d talked through the important matters, one of which was that we would have only one child together as he already has two from a past relationship. (I don’t have any) Then he called last week and as...
A. 12 July 2011: I think you should just tell him now. There's never going to be a "good" time to break up with him. But since you've already decided that you can't stay in this relationship, every day that passes when you're still there, you're being disingenuous. ... (read in full...)
I need to stand my ground this time and not take her walking all over me, but I still love her! What should I do?
Q. First off my name is James, yesterday me and my girlfriend and her daughter went out to go eat. To celebrate our anniversary. We've been together for about 16 months. Lately i've been feeling unappreciated. I feel like i do everything in this ...
A. 12 July 2011: further reading for your information, especially as men who are victims of abuse by their female partners sometimes face different issues than women victims
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/index.htm
http://ww... (read in full...)
I need to stand my ground this time and not take her walking all over me, but I still love her! What should I do?
Q. First off my name is James, yesterday me and my girlfriend and her daughter went out to go eat. To celebrate our anniversary. We've been together for about 16 months. Lately i've been feeling unappreciated. I feel like i do everything in this ...
A. 12 July 2011: unfortunately it's rare for abusive people to change for the better and permanently. It can and does happen but it's not common. I've never seen it happen personally (there has been abuse in my family and extended family on both sides, and I have ... (read in full...)
Do I need to keep my opinions to myself or embrace my outspoken nature?
Q. lately people around me tend to think i am being a pain in the but or a jerk. i can not really figure out why this would be? i am one of the those people or at least i have become one of late who speaks there mind who doesn't take shit from any ...
A. 12 July 2011: you may be having depression. Anger and constant irritability is a common symptom of depression, in a way anger "protects" you from feeling other negative emotions like hurt, sadness, pain, and shame. And difficult life events can certain trigger ... (read in full...)
He needs to clear his debt and has now said he's enlisting. Should I give up on our chances?
Q. My ex bf and I have been friends for 3 years and dating for a year and a half. I am well educated and went back to school recently to get another degree. He has no degree and now is in debt and trying to get out of it. Since Ive known him hes told ...
A. 11 July 2011: To me, what it boils down to is that you have a clear idea of what you want in a husband, what your deal breakers are, and you also have a firm time frame by which you want to be married and start a family. And right now, he has those deal breakers ... (read in full...)
Do I need to keep my opinions to myself or embrace my outspoken nature?
Q. lately people around me tend to think i am being a pain in the but or a jerk. i can not really figure out why this would be? i am one of the those people or at least i have become one of late who speaks there mind who doesn't take shit from any ...
A. 11 July 2011: since this is a recurring pattern of many people telling you that you're being offensive and negative, then I would say that you need to change something about yourself. that is unless you want to end up isolated with no friends or any close ... (read in full...)
I need to stand my ground this time and not take her walking all over me, but I still love her! What should I do?
Q. First off my name is James, yesterday me and my girlfriend and her daughter went out to go eat. To celebrate our anniversary. We've been together for about 16 months. Lately i've been feeling unappreciated. I feel like i do everything in this ...
A. 11 July 2011: first off, good for you for finally standing up for yourself! You've learned the hard way that allowing people to treat you abusively only leads to...more abusive treatment.
Your gf is being abusive -she's being verbally abusive by calling you ... (read in full...)
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