Is this a fair arrangement?
Q. Hi, I am a single mom, with one pre-school child. I live with my boyfriend. My question is about expenses. We split the rent 50/50, I buy all the groceries, and he pays all the car expenses(it is his car). He will not share any expenses regardin...
A. 19 October 2011: the fact that you're asking if this is a fair arrangement, suggests that you already think it's not a fair one. Or else he is the one who has made it clear that he thinks it's not fair.
maybe this is more about different levels of commitme... (read in full...)
Instead of looking for a job he's looking for escourts and transgenders. How do I leave him when I am penniless?
Q. I am so confused. I live the "perfect family lie," as I am a stay at home mom with 2 kids, one in school and one infant. Lately things have gone down hill majorly. My husband, who before the baby came, and still LOVES my first child, but I some...
A. 15 October 2011: If you get divorced, your husband will be required to pay you child support and probably also spousal support if and when he gets a job. So you won't be completely penniless. You will probably have to adjust to a lower standard of living than you ... (read in full...)
Should I be hurt by his ultimatum?
Q. My fiance' and I got into an argument bout his job and its influence. I feel like a dirty secret. He says he wants to keep his home life seperate from his work life, ok. Yesterday he was called into work, just to realize that they didn't call him ...
A. 15 October 2011: Do you often cry in front of him when you're hurt by his actions? People can feel irritated at partners who cry a lot because they feel that the partner is trying to manipulate them by tears to get them to do what they dont' want to do.
That ... (read in full...)
I'm starting to see a red flag -- is it really there?
Q. I wanted your guys or girls opinion on something? I met this realy nice lady, we are about the same age we hit it off great and actually still are, though we have been going out exclusively with eachother for only 6 weeks. Now this woman has neve...
A. 14 October 2011: How long and how well did you know each other before you became exclusive? if you didn't know each other very well or very long before becoming exclusive, then that means you're committing to a serious relationship with someone you dont' really ... (read in full...)
Is he putting his son's needs or her needs before mine?
Q. Would love opinions on this. When dating a man with a child and exwife, is it wrong for my feelings to be taken into consideration too? I would never keep someone away from their child, in this case a teenager (they share custody). My proble...
A. 13 October 2011: I think your bf's exwife is out of line, and he's wrong for not defining and setting and maintaining clear boundaries with her.
She doesn't respect that he's not married to her anymore, and that he has a right to live a life without her. and that... (read in full...)
I think his wife told him to stay away from me
Q. He and I are both married and were friends. I have a strong suspicion that his wife has told him not to see me anymore and has essentially cut him out of my life. She thinks I am a big threat and does not like the fact that he is attracted to me. I ...
A. 13 October 2011: "If he really cared, wouldn't he be contacting me regardless of his wife? I guess his wife wins in the end? "
Well I guess this means that while he may care for you to some extent, in the end he cares more about not rocking the boat with his wife... (read in full...)
His post-steroid mood changes are getting to be ridiculous!
Q. My boyfriend does steroids and he has constant mood changes, they never end. (i didnt know until we had been dating for about 5 months) He just ended a cycle and its slowly getting worse. Can anyone give me advice? He has constant mood changes and ...
A. 13 October 2011: it's a well-known phenomenon that steroid users go through these cycles of extreme negative emotion, to the point of becoming abusive. It's called "'Roid Rage" (you can google for more information). (there have been many news stories over the... (read in full...)
Does alot of nagging lead to cheating?
Q. Do all guys cheat? Could a lot of nagging lead him cheating? Long dinstance? or what are some things that may lead a boyfriend to cheat?...
A. 12 October 2011: a lot of nagging could contribute to someone cheating not directly but in contributing to a general negative tone of your relationship and driving your partner away from you emotionally. Which then makes them more susceptible to cheating if they ... (read in full...)
I feel so alone and don't know what to do!
Q. sorry for this being so long, but please read and hopefully give some advice. ill start with my personality, im not very confident very shy and get very anxious. My school life was ok i wish i was back cos id do so much different but since leavin...
A. 12 October 2011: hi there - it sounds like you may be suffering from social anxiety.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety
you may also have a more generalized anxiety or depression.
you could start by deliberately pushing yourself slightly (not too mu... (read in full...)
I'm pushing away the one person who might really care about me!
Q. Okay here's my problem and it's with the same girl Diedra, now we've started talking and stuff and she constantly tells me that I'm special to her and that she loves me and that she can talk to me about everything, now idk why but I say things that ...
A. 12 October 2011: Maybe you have a fear of intimacy - a fear of getting emotionally close and being vulnerable. Yet you do want that, because it's a basic human need to want to have intimate connections. So you feel conflicted - you want her to be focused on you, to ... (read in full...)
Was my thinking wrong? My manager's mother died and I didn't go to the funeral because I haven't even started the job yet!
Q. i just started a new job literally a week ago. Unfortunately my manager's mother passed..i actually don't even have an official work e-mail yet; still waiting for the process to be done. So i hear it through word of mouth. I feel bad but i figured i ...
A. 12 October 2011: No you're not wrong for not going to the funeral, seeing as how you didn't know the mother or even your manager. In fact I think it's very strange and inappropriate for your new coworkers to expect that you would attend. Don't let that get to you, ... (read in full...)
Why does my friend think its wrong to ask if she's ok?
Q. My best friend is really stressed right now. She is 57 and I am 50. It's her job and all the responsibility. The one thing she enjoyed, was at the end of the day getting an email from me, it would make her laugh and smile. It made her happy. Well ...
A. 12 October 2011: It sounds like you do care a lot about her, and want sincerely to help her when you see that she's going through a rough time in her life.
the thing is though, that people don't always want to be helped, or to do the degree that their loved on... (read in full...)
I am about to go public with our separation and am worried how to interact with our friends!
Q. Hi, I'd be grateful for any help please. I have been going through a very painful separation that is now almost complete, except that, for what I believe are good reasons, we did not tell everyone that we know - basically my grown up child was ...
A. 11 October 2011: my personal opinion is that you should try to relate to your friends as if nothing is out of the ordinary. They may be uncomfortable because they don't know if you're expecting them to now treat you differently, so if you behave "like normal" to ... (read in full...)
No family support -- what do I do?
Q. Hi everyone, sorry if this is kinda of lengthy, but I'm from a very small town in South Carolina and am trying to figure out the best way to move to El Monte, California. I'm 16 and before everyone thinks I'm young and crazy, I have graduated high ...
A. 11 October 2011: If your family isn't actively trying to stop you from doing this, and they simply are being negative in their attitudes, I think the best thing for you to do is to try your best to ignore them. I know it's hard to ignore something that's hurtful ... (read in full...)
Married and cheating but I don't want to put my children through a divorce!
Q. Ok. Here goes. I am totally depressed. I have been married for 13 years and have two wonderful kids. We haven't been happy in 6 years when I felt he had an affair. He would not admit and still denies but in my heart I know he did. But that's not ...
A. 11 October 2011: You know how to stop, it's by quitting your job and if necessary relocating to a different city or state. There are solutions, you're just choosing not to take them. But that in itself says something. It says that you really are not emotionally ... (read in full...)
To Text or not to Text? Does it work for all or only for some?
Q. Hi All. I was wondering what you think is an acceptable amount to text your partner? See, I was once in a long term relationship with a girl who would always send a text each day with 'Good Morning' and then 'Good Night' later on, as well a...
A. 11 October 2011: I think that an 'acceptable amount' of texting is whatever both of you feel comfortable with. if you're both at very different levels of texting habits (as it sounds like), then you should try to reach some compromise rather than one person ... (read in full...)
I love her and refuse to break up but we are on shaky ground!
Q. My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 months. I'm madly in love with her. She's...well she's in love with me right now. She has times when she'll be interested in somebody else, but she always gets over it and stays with me. Well ...
A. 5 October 2011: you should let her go. Don't be with someone who only wants you 80% of the time, and wants someone else for the other 20% of the time. Who knows in the future your percentage could get lower. Basically she's unsure about being with you. She even ... (read in full...)
Why go to all that trouble and then tell me to find someone else?
Q. This is a long one... Ok, I had been talking to this girl online for ten months (plus text, phone, etc) and we met briefly at the airport for the first time in July since I passed through her city. We kept talking after the meeting and made...
A. 5 October 2011: it sounds like she's decided that she's not interested in pursuing this relationship, or at least not at the level that you want, but didn't know how to say it outright thus her hemming and hawing. Maybe she also paid for everything in order to ... (read in full...)
No husband or boyfriend. Am I wrong to feel bad about this?
Q. Is it wrong for me to think that my life is over because I don't have a husband OR boyfriend? I'm 35 and I hardly even date. I'm extremely shy and not a positive thinker. ...
A. 4 October 2011: I don't think it's "wrong" to feel a certain way - feelings by themselves are not morally right or wrong, they just are. And many times our feelings are not within our conscious control (some are, meaning you can change your feelings by changing ... (read in full...)
I thought having a boyfriend meant I didn't need friends!
Q. Hi all, I'm 27 and I have a really big problem with my mood. I didn't stay in contact with my school friends when I went to uni. I went to an inner city comp and most of them went on to get pregnant at a young age whereas I went on to become ...
A. 3 October 2011: First of all, you DO have a family - even though relationships have been strained, you can try to repair or restore them. You can try to reach out to your siblings and parents and try to find common ground. They may have rejected you in the past, ... (read in full...)
How do I tell my boyfriend hes too quiet?
Q. My boyfriend doesn't speak often, and I find I do most of the talking. The problem is, I'm not a big talker myself and am used to listening. However, because he is my boyfriend, I am the most talkative with him out of everyone and while I'm quiet ...
A. 3 October 2011: maybe the reason he's quiet is because the topics that you want to talk about are not those that interest him? so instead of talking about things that interest you, how about focusing on things that interest him. Many times, when people feel that ... (read in full...)
I want to hear I love you from him. Should I wait?
Q. I'm dating a great guy and it's sadly long distance. We do as much as we can to skype as often as possible and so far, it's working out well. When we are together (every three weeks or so) we are always having a great time. My boyfriend has ha...
A. 3 October 2011: when people have a hard time expressing their feelings, all you can do is to try your best to model a healthier behavior yourself (such as by sharing your feelings with them even if they're not reciprocating and sharing with you), and creating an ... (read in full...)
Married and cheating but I don't want to put my children through a divorce!
Q. Ok. Here goes. I am totally depressed. I have been married for 13 years and have two wonderful kids. We haven't been happy in 6 years when I felt he had an affair. He would not admit and still denies but in my heart I know he did. But that's not ...
A. 3 October 2011: I think you have several options:
1) Take drastic actions to end your affair once and for all, and just ride out the emotional pain and loss until it eventually fades with time. So, wuit your job, move to another city so you won't be able to see e... (read in full...)
Is my girfriend a psycho?
Q. 6 months back I caught my girlfriend cheating me on Facebook chat . She was doing that for like one week. When I got to know , I cried like hell and didn't say anything more than "you shouldn't have done this" to her such was my love for her. I ...
A. 1 October 2011: Not sure what you mean by "psycho" exactly but your friend is absolutely right in the sense that your girlfriend's behavior is definitely not normal and it's very emotionally and mentally unhealthy and destructive. But you're feeding into it and ... (read in full...)
I'm surrounded by couples but I have never had a girlfriend
Q. I'm really frustrated. I'm surrounded by couples everywhere. I'm friends with alot of couples and sometimes I feel awkward. I've never kissed a girl, or had a girlfriend. One time, all of my friends were sitting around talking about their first kiss ...
A. 1 October 2011: my personal opinion (just my own opinion) about how people like to say things like "don't worry you'll find someone when you're least expecting it" is not always comforting because it's only true under the "right" circumstances. So it may or may not ... (read in full...)
Why does my ex get to be happy and in a relationship while I am still alone?
Q. I broke up with my ex just over a year ago now, we were together for 5 years before that and I miss him all the time. He had an emotional affair and wanted 'a break', which made me question everything after 5 years of being together, so I told him ...
A. 1 October 2011: You did the right thing of not getting back together with him. He is one very confused individual, he doesn't know what he wants and seems unable to sort out his feelings. One minute he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but would rather ... (read in full...)
Will his comment be a self-fulfilling prophecy for us?
Q. Navigating a rocky week of good but scary communication. On 3 occasions now (most recently the other night) my boyfriend has said this (or something similar): "In case something ever happens [we break up], promise me you'll still be my friend and ...
A. 1 October 2011: He needs to learn how to reduce or to deal with his abandonment fears more effectively because over time it can really destroy a relationship.
Right now his abandonment fears may just manifest itself in him making off hand comments like this. Bu... (read in full...)
The stress she's under is making it difficult for me
Q. Dear Agony Aunts I don’t know what to do; I’m so in love but equally distressed and tired. I’ve been in a relationship for 7 months with what has got to be in my mind the love of my life. Together we’ve become best friends, loves, colleagues ...
A. 30 September 2011: I can see that you really care about her, but it sounds like what would help her best at the moment, is to just step back and give her space.
she's going through a difficult time, such as finishing up her studies, dealing with her parents'... (read in full...)
My brother is obsessed with his ex wife and I can't deal with helping him anymore! Do I write him off?
Q. Hi there, I'm curious as to what everyone would do about this (if anything) My brother was divorced from his ex wife about 8 years ago. They have one daughter who is now 10 yrs old. The trouble: he is obsessed with her and it's making him sick...
A. 29 September 2011: I can understand how you feel...your brother is clearly dysfunctional and is ruining his life, and possibly that of his daughter as well.
The question is what do you do? clearly you've tried very hard, for a very long time, to help him to impro... (read in full...)
I have a secret ultimatum.
Q. I've given myself a timeline that if he doesn't propose to me by then, I'm going to focus my life on something new. Ive been with him for a few years, and last year October he mentioned he was going to propose in Feburary... its now nearly October ...
A. 29 September 2011: you should tell him what it is you want or expected, if it is something that is of such huge personal significance to you. It wouldn't be fair to him if you said nothing, or if you were being "subtle" and he missed it, and then further down the road ... (read in full...)
Everybody loves my husband except me!
Q. Hi Cupids. My husband of 16 years is perfect by everybody else's standards. He is well liked by my family and friends, a good husband, a good father and best friend. I know that logically he is a good choice for me. He has stood by me during goo...
A. 28 September 2011: first of all, I think you should try not to feel guilty about your lack of attraction to your husband. that does no good if it blocks you from facing some uncomfortable truths about your marriage.
This is firstly about your marriage, not about th... (read in full...)
Love triangles. I keep trying to do the 'right' thing but it keeps hurting more and more. What can I do?
Q. First it's important to know that I have never had this occur before, never thought it even slightly possible, and hope it never happens again. I'm 35 and 3 years ago I moved workplaces. I was assigned a mentor, B, who was great in showing me the ...
A. 28 September 2011: I think the underlying problem is your relationship with A. If it wasn't so troubled to begin with, you wouldn't have developed feelings for someone else and then found yourself unable to pursue them openly.
If you end the relationship with A, ... (read in full...)
I feel like I am competing with her kids and her ex
Q. Is it screwed up to feel as though you are sharing someone with kids and an ex? As though they're never fully yours and always belong to an ex. Its so tough to admit it though. ...
A. 28 September 2011: It's a very common situation for "blended families" - i.e. families where one or both partners have children from previous relationships. Unfortunately it's also a big contributor to when second marriages fail, which is when these issues can't get ... (read in full...)
Break his heart when we've been through so much or try to get past these things?
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and sometimes I feel so in love with him and other times I just can't stand him. Now I just don't feel attracted to him. He loves me to the moon and back and he'd never betray me but I just don't know what ...
A. 28 September 2011: Don't stay in a relationship that you don't want to, but just because you fear that breaking up means you're a 'bad person' to be hurting the other person's feelings.
If you want to work on the relationship to improve it, then that's a good rea... (read in full...)
Can I delete him off facebook? I don't want to know what he's up to!
Q. My ex dumped me a week and a half ago. We had a 1 year relationship. Its been very hard for me, but he is completely fine. He feels nothing about the break up and has moved on. I have to see my ex every day as we go to uni together and are in the ...
A. 28 September 2011: Not only is it socially acceptable to delete him from your FB, but it's also a very wise thing to do. A deletion doesn't have to be permanent. In the future after you've moved on, you can always add him back.
Also I wouldn't be so sure that a w... (read in full...)
What are signs he's losing interest in you?
Q. What are some of the biggest signs he is losing interest in you? Also what out of these are signs? If before he always wanted you to wear lingerie and now you do and he just ignores you or looks annoyed? If you say you want to get more linger...
A. 28 September 2011: I think these are signs that there is deep trouble in the relationship and he is disengaging from it. Whether this equates to "losing interest" or is withdrawing for other reasons, it's hard to say.
But I would advise that you approach this as ... (read in full...)
Should cheating ever be forgiven?
Q. I moved in with my fiance, and after 14 months of being together our relationship came to an end after i found out he had been cheating on me for about 2 months every time he went to work outta town. It's now been 6 months and he is no longer with ...
A. 21 September 2011: If you can truly forgive him, it will be healing to yourself as well as to him. So it's good if you can work towards forgiving him.
However, don't confuse forgiving with resuming the relationship or marriage. Those two are not the same thing. W... (read in full...)
Am I wasting my time with this woman?
Q. I met a woman 3 months ago on a dating site. It has been a very intense relationship whereby I've not seen much of her and have been regularly dumped by text! I don't even know where she lives - she's like an MI5 agent - she reckons she's had ...
A. 21 September 2011: "Even though she has dumped me I have offered her unconditional support through her illness regardless of the consequences to me."
This is a red flag - not in her but in YOU.
You are being self-destructive if you truly follow through that way... (read in full...)
On/Off/On/Off - What is her problem?
Q. i was with my girlfriend for two years, lived together for one. i loved her so much. well she started cheating on me and left me for another guy a few months back, and it crushed me. i eventually moved on and started seeing another girl. well ...
A. 20 September 2011: so first she was with you, then she cheated on you with him and left you for him.
then she cheated on him with you.
Then she said she wanted to be with you.
Then she said she wanted to be with him.
I think she prefers him, but sees ... (read in full...)
I told him it wasn't working out and now he's all psycho
Q. Hi, this might drag on but ill try not to ramble! So i have just split up with somone because he didnt want a relationship he now has a new girlfriend and im finding it hard to get over it. Anyway just after we broke up a new boy came to our scho...
A. 20 September 2011: Just ignore him completely. Don't respond to anything he does. it sounds like he has trouble handling not getting what he wants. He's trying different tactics to get you to do what he wants: begging and pleading, then if that doesn't work then ... (read in full...)
So how do I make him forgive me for ignoring him because he was neglecting me!
Q. My boyfriend is so upset and mad with me right now because we had an arguement because of me. Bassically I got annoyed at him because he didn't give me much time since he was busyt with his work. So I got very frustrated and then just started ...
A. 20 September 2011: If someone hurt you, you'll naturally feel yourself want to pull back from them and withdraw. If they apologize and say sorry, but they don't actually try to understand how you're feeling, and take responsibility for their part in causing you hurt, ... (read in full...)
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