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The source of all pain is our unwillingness to accept the facts.
Truth changes, but facts remain the same.
Since letting go of my fears, I am brutally honest. I have made a lot of poor choices in my life. They seemed right at the time, of course ... but looking back, I can see how I was deluded ... and made many choices to avoid pain.
No longer afraid, I can take the hit. I am honest and I prefer the pain of honesty to the confusion and pain of deception.
There is a ton of misinformation out there by well-meaning and manipulative people and institutions, alike. There is nothing you can do about that. However, you can examine the values you were taught and decide whether or not you want to keep and live by them. As long as you live an honest life, others' lies and confusion will have a limited impact on you.
It hurts. Hell, yeah ... life hurts ... that is by design ... you would not recognize what is good in life if you had nothing with which to compare it.
Be real. Be honest. Make choices and accept the consequences. Life is going to hurt, but there will be joy if you're open to it.
Create your peace. |
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I'm married but want to have an affair with a married man..
Q. Please everybody I really just want answeres from MEN. Please, all men out there reply to this. I am happilly married and i know a guy who is also happily married, I have never cheated on my husband but I want to cheat now. I want to have hot...
A. 7 November 2009: ummm ... am I the only that noticed that the poster is a man, married to a man, wanting hot sex with a man?
I just wonder if the tone of voice of all you uncles would have been different, if you had noticed.
I know you only wanted males to ... (read in full...)
I don't want what my parents want for me!
Q. I am from India, 16 years and am brought up in a strict Muslim family. My parents have already planned my future for me, get my degree and get married soon after that. But the thing is that I don't want that. I want to continue with my career and do ...
A. 7 November 2009: I am sorry ... I have no experience or knowledge with this. Best wishes to you ... I do believe all should have the freedom to live their own lives as they wish, as long as they don't infringe on others. ... (read in full...)
I feel bad because I rejected my cheating ex bf... please give me some encouragement!
Q. i was with my ex for 2years and he really hurt me.. like he'd be talking to other girls, cheating..lying etc: but i stayed with him cos i was young naive and thought i was in love and the sex was great.. but i finally had the courage to leave ...
A. 7 November 2009: I agree with quiet-echo.
I'd like to add that it's easier for manipulative people to con former victims than find fresh meat, so keep that in mind when he's filling you full of lies. Lies? Yeah, lies. If he really understood what he did to hurt ... (read in full...)
Help! My friends and family are taking advantage of my skills. How do I say no and not offend anyone?
Q. Afternoon all. I recently qualified as a hairdresser a few months ago and since then i have been at everyones beck and call to do their hair. For example my family just take advantage and say "i need my hair cut this week" and expect me to j...
A. 7 November 2009: Use "I" statements:
I don't know how to say this without being offensive, but I feel taken advantage of and can't do this anymore.
I am exhausted from doing this full time and I feel taken advantage of when friends and family expect me to do ... (read in full...)
I need to get him out of my head forever. How do I get rid of his so-called "friendship"?
Q. I am so upset by this so please no horrible answers. My ex friended me on facebook-i hadnt seen him for 4 years-it was to tell me he had got married. We were due to get married but it ended really badly because he barely showed any love or care-i o...
A. 7 November 2009: You are thinking WAY too much.
It's very easy to remove a *friend* from your facebook account. No explanations necessary.
You know, one of the reasons that ruminating is so counter-productive is because you don't really know what is going on... (read in full...)
"Sort your life out, you aren't a baby anymore"?
Q. Hi, i dont know if im being oversensitive here but i just want some feedback. Im 27 and been doing driving lessons just over a year now.My instructor wants me to book my test in and im just not confident. Last night on my driving lesson h...
A. 7 November 2009: Yes, you can change your instructor, wrap up your lessons and get your license.
But ... there are two very important life lessons here that I hope you will take.
First of all, when someone says something to us and it hurts, there is probabl... (read in full...)
Can you love someone you don't admire?
Q. Can you love someone that you don't admire? I feel that a large part of love is finding that person that you admire. A partner that can constantly energize you to do better just by the mere fact that you want to aspire to emulate them. I guess I...
A. 7 November 2009: that's monogamous, not monomamous
*eye roll*... (read in full...)
Can you love someone you don't admire?
Q. Can you love someone that you don't admire? I feel that a large part of love is finding that person that you admire. A partner that can constantly energize you to do better just by the mere fact that you want to aspire to emulate them. I guess I...
A. 7 November 2009: There is a baby involved, so collateral damage is unavoidable.
It has never entered my mind that 'admiration' be part of loving someone. Usually, we admire people we don't know well ... so their attributes are what we see and their issues are obsc... (read in full...)
Caught my daughter masturbating, what should I do?
Q. I have 2 childern ages 13 and 10, both gilrs. One in Jr. high the other in grammar school. I left work early one day and got the shock of my life. I come in and hear "noises" in the family room. So when I walk down there I see my 13 year daughter in ...
A. 7 November 2009: There are 'teachable moments' ...
When my son was very young, I walked into the bathroom to check on him in the tub. He said, "Look, Mommy! It gets hard when I do this," as he stroked himself. I smiled and said, "Yes, it does ... and there's ... (read in full...)
I'm married but want to have an affair with a married man..
Q. Please everybody I really just want answeres from MEN. Please, all men out there reply to this. I am happilly married and i know a guy who is also happily married, I have never cheated on my husband but I want to cheat now. I want to have hot...
A. 6 November 2009: It sounds to me like you want to feel desired ... that your marriage is stable and content, but you feel taken for granted. I understand how exciting it would be to have hot sex with this guy but ... take the fantasy a little further ... Y... (read in full...)
How do I make him understand it's over?
Q. I have been "talking" to this guy for a little over a year. i know want to break it off. i told him what broung me to thim decision and he does not want to except that. how do i make him understand it's over? help me please!!...
A. 6 November 2009: There are no magic words to make him understand and accept what he does not want to hear.
Stop explaining. Don't call him. When he calls you, don't answer.
You think that is cruel but it's all he's going to understand. As long as you explain, ... (read in full...)
Will my boyfriend turn gay if he enjoys it when I give it to him from behind?
Q. So me and my boyfriend have a very good relationship....and sex can be a little kinky with us and I know sometimes my boyfriend likes me to play with his butt hole sometimes and I was thinking about using a strap on with him cause I heard that's ...
A. 5 November 2009: People don't 'turn gay'.
They're homosexual or they aren't. If they are, they may be in denial about it because they were indoctrinated by their religion or family or whatever, that it is *wrong*.
We could split hairs and talk about people tha... (read in full...)
Read this email message and tell me what you think!
Q. I found a message in my husband's email. It was from the owner of a company he has done some work for (who is a male), and he has an email address at that company i just became aware of. He has been hiding all of this from me. The message ...
A. 5 November 2009: No.
I don't believe the average, straight male talks like that in a text. Sure, face to face, shooting shit ... I've seen that myself ... but most males would never write it ... or save it, if it was written to them.
Are there any red flags yo... (read in full...)
Married! How do I get over this huge crush?
Q. I met my wife 15 years ago. It started as one night thing that just got extended... I have later realized that I never had a change to have big crush on her first. We just started being together because it was convenient and we liked each other. ...
A. 4 November 2009: People can and do change, truly change ... even traits that appear to be inborn. However ... they do not change or compromise for someone else's sake, or for the preservation of a relationship.
To truly change, a person has to decide that it ... (read in full...)
My husband is a neat freak and I don't have any motivation to clean!
Q. help!i want to stop this emotional maddnes! my husband is a neat freak and i really just dont care. i really cant find motivation to clean the house. i want to, but when its messed up by him hours later i jsut say screw and dont do it anymore. idk ...
A. 1 November 2009: This sounds like a control issue, not a neatness obsession.... (read in full...)
Married! How do I get over this huge crush?
Q. I met my wife 15 years ago. It started as one night thing that just got extended... I have later realized that I never had a change to have big crush on her first. We just started being together because it was convenient and we liked each other. ...
A. 1 November 2009: One part of what makes a monogamous relationship special is choosing someone above all others, even though there will always be someone else that is sexier, funnier, smarter, more attractive ... and there will always be those people.
One of my al... (read in full...)
Does she look at other men? Is she lying to me?
Q. I feel terrible. I do not know what to do. I have accused my girlfriend time after time after time of looking at other men and she always insists that she doesn't. But I see her looking around whenever we are outside, so she has to be judging and ...
A. 1 November 2009: I know people from all over the world and, trust me, they look. They may be more discreet in some places because the cultural retribution is great ... but they look. For Gawd's sake! For those of us blessed with sight, if we don't use it .... (read in full...)
He's gay, but I really really like him.
Q. I am falling in love with my relationships councilor and don't know how to stop feeling like this. I ended my marriage 1 yr ago cause my husband was having sex with men.We were married for 18 years so I am not some ditzy young thing with a silly ...
A. 1 November 2009: First of all, all I have to say is "ditto" on all the great insights already shared here.
Second of all, I have to say "thank you" to all of you. My life situation is nothing like the poster's, but all the wisdom here is pinging in me like a s... (read in full...)
Things used to be so sweet. How can they go back to the way they used to be?
Q. I miss my girlfriend so much were still together we've been datin for 9 months but this past month just hasn't been the same. We would always do things that we like doin and at the end of the day we would just cuddle and watch tv or a movie. And ...
A. 1 November 2009: Life moves forward so things will never be the way they were.
I agree with MissKin's advice. Either the two of you will move through this together, or this is the beginning of the end of your relationship.
You'll heal ... learn ... grow .... (read in full...)
We get on so well! But there are some problems..
Q. Hello, I started dating a guy about a year ago. Things went well until he had a problem with ED. He told me he only ended up sleeping with the women that he married. His first marriage lasted 3 years (she ended up deciding to be gay). Hi seco...
A. 1 November 2009: Don't think so much.
WHY he is resisting is not nearly as important as the fact that he is.
You were open and honest. The ball is in his court.
I think you should date other people. Eventually, he'll decide to pursue you or you'll mee... (read in full...)
He likes somebody else, should I break up with him?
Q. Ok. So i dont know if i should break up with my boyfriend or not. i think he likes my best friend . i dont know why i just get that feeling like he does like her. I confronted him and asked him if he liked her. And he said "No, she doesn't have all ...
A. 1 November 2009: Critical thinking skills: You have to separate the distractions from the real issues.
First of all, accept that male brains work differently. Period. No matter how degrading it is to you that what you look like is important to him (to many mal... (read in full...)
Why does she call me and tell me "to be safe?
Q. .I'm going through a divorce. tonight I seen my ex at a bar. 20 minutes later she calls to tell me to be safe..what should I think from this??...
A. 1 November 2009: I say it all the time ... to everyone, regardless of age, gender, nature of our relationship.
I want them to think about what they're doing ... to make safe choices.... (read in full...)
To cheat or not to cheat? Can mongamy really exist?
Q. Monogamy - can it REALLY exist - or is it natural to struggle with this? I'm asking this question because it seems like everyone cheats. On a marriage, in a relationship, etc. And if they don't it's usually because they "don't want to hurt" th...
A. 31 October 2009: Yes, it exists ... for different reasons.
When I was committed to my marriage, 1984 - 2007, I was committed. I filed for divorce and moved out, and still have not slept with another man ... but that's about my commitment to me.
I have had op... (read in full...)
Should I give him a chance to let his character shine through?
Q. I was totally inlove with a charmer he was great made me laugh made me feel want him so much cos he knew all the right things to say to me! He had lots of women b4 me and woman in between us spilting up! He cant settle down he enjoys the chase of ...
A. 31 October 2009: Yes, give this man a chance. Also, read about co-dependent relationships. It sounds like you got addicted to the high of a dangerous drug and thought it was love or passion or something that could be sustained forever. It can't. Players and drama ... (read in full...)
How could he say he might love me only to drop me shortly after?
Q. I had been dating this guy that lived in my hometown for almost 7 months. The first 2 months were while I was at college, but when I was home, I followed him to all the summer ball games he played. When I had to go back, he told me how he would ...
A. 31 October 2009: I think he did not know ... that he had feelings that he could not identify, so he was cautious about labeling them.
He does not sound like a manipulator at all. He sounds very genuine, to me.
It sounds like you both tried ... and that is what... (read in full...)
Should I be looking for a dominant girlfriend?
Q. Recently whilst watching videos on the internet, i have found myself looking at dominatrix videos. Does this mean i should have dominant girlfriend or am i very strange?...
A. 31 October 2009: No. It means you got turned on by a fantasy.
... (read in full...)
He must think I'm so stupid!
Q. I dont know if i am over reacting but, recently i found on my boyfriends laptop a number of folders of girls pictures which must equal to over 300 pictures of half naked girls etc including my best friends! But he said sorry and that he forgot i...
A. 31 October 2009: You're worried about what he thinks about you?
How about you take a look at what you think about you?
Talk is cheap. If he was sorry, he would have deleted it all. He's not sorry.
You have two choices: get over IT or get over HIM.
But ... (read in full...)
I consistently dawged this woman out and I need to make amends!
Q. Hi, I have a huge issue that I created for myself. FOur years ago I meet the woman of my dreams but at the time I didnt realize it. I didnt realize it until recently. She did everything in her power to please me and because I was so bitter of...
A. 31 October 2009: You can be real, open and honest ... and she may go for it, and she may kick you to the curb.
If she is willing to give your relationship a chance, remember how you suffered for it. Do not slip back into your lying ways. Be willing to work for... (read in full...)
If I leave him he has no one else!
Q. Hi, I'm in need of some help,I have been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years, and i now feel like i'm stuck because if I leave him he has no one else. this is because he changed universitys (to the one im at)and has made no other friends. H...
A. 31 October 2009: My husband stopped loving me over twenty years ago, but he believes that "divorce is not an option", so he performed for the outside world but punished me behind closed doors because he regretted our marriage.
So ... you are going to do your boy... (read in full...)
Married! How do I get over this huge crush?
Q. I met my wife 15 years ago. It started as one night thing that just got extended... I have later realized that I never had a change to have big crush on her first. We just started being together because it was convenient and we liked each other. ...
A. 31 October 2009: Why accelerate the process?
You're uncomfortable. Oh well. Get used to it. You're going to be uncomfortable for a lot of reasons, for the rest of your life.
How about you try this: stay in your comfortable, albeit boring, marriage. Enjoy ... (read in full...)
I can't leave him, he's all I have...
Q. my boyfriend and i have been dating for just over a year. We spend every single day at college together. Well, thing is, he always judges me and talks bad to me and hurts me. But i love him and i do so much for him. He wont even try to do something ...
A. 31 October 2009: What you described is not love ... it's addiction. You keep going back for another hit, even when it's junk, because you remember how good it felt the first time ...
look up co-dependent personality traits in your browser and read everythi... (read in full...)
Am I unreasonable to ask to see his email.
Q. My spouse has in the recent past had an affair. He hides his income He tells me that it is none of my business. i have no access to, or knowledge of his income. He tells me that it is not my business who he knows or what he does, and that i just ...
A. 31 October 2009: You are skirting the issue.
The real issue is: you don't trust him. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone you don't trust.
Checking his email is a weak Band-Aid.
Dump him.
Stay alone. Figure out why you disrespect yourself ... (read in full...)
I've confessed to almost cheating, now we need to talk. Where do I go first?
Q. To make a long story short, I almost cheated due to testosterone levels yet I didnt. I came clean via email and said that I'd like to talk. Now I must explain myself. I figger that my b/f at the moment is crunching on this since he has not respo...
A. 31 October 2009: People lie to avoid *situations*, right?
But lying creates a whole new situation.
Situations are complicated. ugh
I think you ought to just say it, chips fall where they may. At least, in the end, it'll all be real.
I can't stand b... (read in full...)
Can exercising too much stop your period?
Q. This isn't really a relationship question but i'm pretty sure you can help me. Basically i've been wondering whether doing too much excerise can stop your period. A couple of years ago I used to do a fitness plan and it was like fifty sit ups, t...
A. 31 October 2009: I don't think exercise will stop a period ... but not enough fat will mess up a female's metabolism in many, many ways.
We are supposed to have some fat ... that's what gives us pretty curves.
Obsession about anything is unhealthy. Eat n... (read in full...)
Should I leave my husband of 23 years? Is this the grass-is-greener syndrome? Mid life crisis?
Q. Agony Aunts: I have asked my husband of 23 years years for a divorce. We have our house on the market. We are living under one roof until the house sells which is working very well so far. We have a 19 year old girl and a 12 year old boy. My h...
A. 31 October 2009: Put someone else's happiness before your own? That is assuming that you even have the power to make someone happy, which you do not.
Everyone's life has challenges. That's just the nature of the beast. Will the divorce cause your children pain? Ye... (read in full...)
Feelings hurt...what's next?
Q. I have been with my partner for 2years and known him for 3-4, recently he did something that really hurt my feelings to the point that I doubted if I wanted to stay together. I love my partner and realize that he did not hurt my feelings ...
A. 31 October 2009: What does "get over it" mean to you?
If it means to pretend like it never happened, than no ... you can't get over it because it did happen, and it did touch you so deeply that you are changed.
If it means to learn something about yourself .... (read in full...)
She says she can't stand me asking if she's seeing someone else, but she never wants to have sex! So she must be cheating, right?
Q. My girlfriend and I are having a problem seeing things from the same point of view. We've been together for almost two years and I have told her from the start that as long as we have sex and I am sexually satisfied, that we'll be happy and I w...
A. 28 October 2009: No, not necessarily. I would have lost all interest in sex with you with all that verbal abuse.
Slash her wrists? Personally, I think you both have some serious issues ... need to break up and each be alone to work on yourselves. You are very sel... (read in full...)
How do I pass my algebra?
Q. I have been having trouble in collage level algebra, and i have posted on here about this before i struggle even when i really try thus i studied for 3-4 hours for our last test and still failed, you ask why, because my teacher counted off on many ...
A. 28 October 2009: You've shown your work and accounted for each step, so the points off are a result of 'not following instructions', right?
Check your principles at the door and tell him that you want to see him after hours. Keep the appointments. Show him that... (read in full...)
I finally cut off my sponging ex, but I feel awful
Q. am i horrible ? the reason i ask is because today i have told my ex i will not be paying his rent anymore. he has bled me dry-left me insolvent and yet for the past year i have still done everything i can to support him. for the last 4 years he...
A. 25 October 2009: You're a co-dependent ... thinking that if you follow all the rules and do everything right, you will be loved and respected. Your conscious mind doesn't think that, of course ... that's why you finally pulled the leech off. It's somewhere deep down ... (read in full...)
Respect for your boyfriend or bucking a culture trend?
Q. My boyfriend seems to think that i don't respect him because i always have an opinion to everything he says.in our culture "men" get much more respect but i dont agree.could it be that im trying too hard to pass the message on to him?i feel so ...
A. 25 October 2009: Perhaps you should not be with him.
In a loving relationship, people share ... they accept each other as they are but also feel safe to express when they feel their boundaries are being threatened.
In a loving relationship, when people chan... (read in full...)
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