 Code Warrior, posted
4 weeks ago
This story was a collaberation between Q and I. Enjoy!
1976 was the best year of my life. I was 18. In those days at age 18, you could buy a drink in any state of the union. I worked at a grocery store and had been promoted from bag boy to the gloriously elevated position of cashier. All this new found and disposable income enabled me to rent my first apartment, as well as buy the first used car I had ever owned that actually ran when I bought it. All the front end employees would get off the same time each night party in the parking lot until the police or some manager of the store would tell us all to go home - which usually meant that it went on all night until the morning guys came in to open up.
Those were wonderful days. We were the generation next in line for Viet Nam, but it was not to be so. Our older brothers and sisters had stormed Washington and demanded an end to the war, and Washington capitulated.
I had, not just a functioning ride, but a 71 Buick Skylark with a 350 engine. 350 cc's of non-pollution control fettered Detroit fire power, and I never hesitated to put my foot in it to show it off. Gas was 25 cents a gallon and you really had to be up to no good for the police to haul you in. On more than one occasion I had the remainders of a joint pulled from an ash tray and shaken in my face whilst being told to go home and sleep it off.
And the joy of all joys... I was in love. Or at least I think it was love. Now I am sure of it. But then it was uncharted water, a new frontier. It must be love. What else could it be? A girl that I worked with had become the central focus of all that was romantic in my life. She was the first thing I thought of when I woke in the morning. She was the last thing on my mind before I closed my eyes at night. I had a place of my own, and a rag top skylark, but no queen to share my kingdom with.
Her name was Terri. Terri with an i. She was a gum smacking, hip hugger wearing, cashier who sent my heart spinning with just one glance of her counting her cash register after closing each night. I could sit there for hours and watch her. She had a Virginia Slim dangling in her mouth and both hands foofing cash like a black jack dealer in Las Vegas. She was rail thin and just a bit hippy and had the smallest little A cup boobs that juuuust started a hint of wanton jiggle as she stalked about the aisles.
The only thing wrong with this angel flying too close to the ground was Larry. Larry was the butcher's apprentice over at the meat market. He wasn't what I would call a bad boy. We were pretty well cut from the same cloth. It's a cliche' when a pretty woman walks by, and all the men with tongues hanging out will say to one another, some where, there is a guy tired of her shit. And I think this pretty well sums up Larry. Nice enough guy, and if had ever really been into this girl, he really wasn't in to her now.
He would stand her up. Go days on end with out calling. And in general treat her like something he stepped on out in a pasture. Him and Terri, with an i, had been going together since the day I set foot in the store. The three of us went out often and they even tried to set me up with a friend of hers named Sharee. We went out as double dates but I really only went so I could be around Terri with an i.
This gave me access to Terri on a level no other guy had. I was safe. I was a non player - at least in regards as a threat to her, him or their relationship. It was because of this access that she confided so much in me. She could get a man's perspective on her involvement with Larry, and she told me things she would have never told her friends. I know she told me thing's she would never have told a guy that was a prospective date.
I was stuck in the friend zone. That no-mans land where one person is perpetually “in love” and the other perpetually “in like” and I was the one “in love”. How could I get Terri with an i to see how much better I would be for her than Larry? I was the one she confided in. I was her main source of emotional support. Why could she not see this?
There were signs that she had feelings for me. She would always tell me what a great listener I was. She would say to me: “Why can’t I find a guy like you?” My heart would soar on those words. I would scream on the inside: “YOU HAVE, I’M RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU!” Outside I would only mumble: “Don’t worry, you will someday.”
She consumed my every waking thought this Terri with an i. I had to tell her how I felt. But how? She was with Larry. What if I told her and it ruined our friendship? I didn’t think I could bear it if she tossed me to the curb for feeling this way.
She was soooo beautiful. She could have any man she wanted. Why was she with a guy like Larry when she could be with ME! I had to lay low. I had to be patient. My opportunity would come. She would see that the guy she was looking for is right in front of her face.
As the summer went by, Terri and I became closer. She was hanging out with me and we would go out to the movies and to the bar. She was always an attraction to behold at the bar. Men would walk up and hit on her. For some reason that I could not understand, she would talk to them and begin ignoring me. She would twirl her fingers in her hair and flirt with them. They would buy her drinks and I would sit there in silence. Eventually, she would make an excuse and brush the guy off, and we would leave together. I would drop her off at her place and she would give me a peck on the cheek and say goodnight.
One time, I hung around to watch her go into the house. I sat there fantasizing about being in there with her. She must have feelings for me. I needed some excuse, some reason to knock on the door. She would answer the door and see me standing there. Her emotions would get the best of her and we would kiss. I had to do it. I thought of my excuse and knocked on the door.
I was crazy with anticipation. I heard the door unlock. It opened and I stood there wide eyed wanting to kiss her so badly. I had my line rehearsed and was ready to deliver it when my little fantasy came crashing down around me. Larry answered the door. I quickly made up a lie that I forgot to tell Terri something, and I gave the message to Larry. I saw Terri on the couch hurriedly fixing her blouse. I had no idea that Larry would be there.
Larry closed the door in my face. He was pissed that I interrupted them. They started fighting. I stayed to eaves drop. They were fighting over ME! Larry didn’t care if she spent time with me as long as I wasn’t getting in the way, but tonight I got in the way. They had a terrible fight. Larry stormed out of the house, not expecting to see me still standing there. He shoved me hard and I fell to the ground.
She was crying and she saw me lying on the ground. By now, Larry was speeding away in his car. She came out and helped me up. She brought me into the house and we talked for hours. She laid her head on my chest and cried for a while. I was holding her. I was there for her. This was my opportunity. But I just sat there and held her and said nothing. She fell asleep in my arms and I put her into her bed. I slept on the couch.
Soon after that, she broke up with Larry. Her and I were inseparable. We were doing all kinds of things together. I was more in love with her than ever. After a month of this, I felt like she had gotten over Larry and I was going to tell her how I felt. I thought we could go to the bar and do some dancing. My plan was to tell her how I felt at the end of the night.
She was excited to go to the bar with me. We hadn’t been to the bar together in a while. However, just like all the other times we went, she was getting hit on, and she was doing the same thing as before. Flirting and ignoring me.
She danced with one guy and seemed to be getting pretty cozy with him. I couldn’t believe what was happening. He was holding her hand and she was giggling at everything lame thing he said. He whispered into her ear and she nodded yes.
She looked at me and asked if I minded if this guy drove her home. I was stunned and in shock. I just nodded yes without thinking. She smiled big and gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that I was the greatest. Then she left with him.
I decided to follow. Maybe he was just driving her home I thought. They arrived at her house. They got out of the car together. They went up to the door and stopped briefly. Thank God, I thought, he’s just dropping her off. But then I watched in horror as he kissed her in the way that I always dreamed she would kiss me. When they were done with the kiss, she opened the door and led him in. I was heartbroken.
I saw her the next day. She told me how much fun she had with me and was sorry that she left me there, but she really liked that guy and had to take the chance with him. I told her that I understood and she told me what a great guy I was for always being there for her.
Over the next few weeks, she began complaining about this guy too. I was there for her and gave her the emotional support she needed. She never seemed to hang out with this guy though. It seemed like she would hang out with me at her house and then she would tell me that she was making dinner for her boyfriend and he did not like me, so I had to leave.
I cared too much for Terri with an i, to shut her down for this. She couldn't help who she cared for and I had been conditioned to accept rejection from her. At least rejection on a romantic level.
In the break room one night she walked in and told me more about this new guy. How she thought she had finally found a guy that was truly what she had been looking for. The kind of guy she thought Larry was.
I don't know where it came from, but I stood up and told her I didn't care about who she found, and why she thought he was the one. I was angry and I finally decided that she would know how I felt. Good, bad, or indifferent. I unloaded on her with both barrels. I told her that I really didn't care who he is, or who she thinks he is. He has a penis and that meets her criteria of what she looks for in a man.
The look on her face told me all. She was stunned. She was floored. The thought of me as a romantic interest had never entered her mind. That made me all the more furious. She could see the anger rising in me and met it with anger of her own. She didn't say much. Just one of those "why I never" that women like to toss off when they are at a loss for other words. As she stormed away, all I could say was, "Terri, don't go away mad, just go away".
We didn't speak for over a month. It was about this time she came to me in the break room and told me that I was right. This guy was like all the others and she should have listened to me. The thing is, I never said a word about the guy, or how he was obviously using her for sex, or the depth of my feelings for her. I just rambled for several seconds basically calling her a slut. There was little to indicate what I felt, other than the magnitude of my reaction.
Did her remorse over the way things ended indicate that she was aware of my feelings all along? Was I some hidden plan B and just never knew? The answer to these questions and more lie forever in the recesses of what if and should of and would of and could of.
For this night I had a more pressing issue. I was about to get off work and needed to get to my place and take a shower. I had started banging her sister Janet the week before and she was waiting for me at the bowling alley. So I told Terri that I was sorry to hear that she got used, but maybe next time she should think with her head instead of her pelvis and maybe she would have better luck with men. Then I left here there, stunned yet again at my inconsiderate commentary.
Janet was cute. Not as beautiful as Terri with an i, but cute. Besides, I was getting laid and that’s just what I needed to get over Terri. Terri did not know that I was dating her sister and I figured I better get laid while the getting was good.
I went to the bowling alley and met up with Janet. We had a good time and decided to go to the bar for a few drinks after bowling. When we got there, we saw Terri. She was sitting at the bar alone. She was upset and looked to have been crying. She was fiddling with her drink. Janet made a bee-line for her and dragged me along.
This was not going to be good. Whose idea was it to go to the bar?! I am REALLY starting to hate the bar! I NEVER get laid when I go there!
As I suspected, Terri told Janet what I had said and the whole thing blew up in my face. Janet left with Terri, the both of them leaving me at the bar alone. So much for getting laid!
The next day at the grocery store, Janet showed up. She told me that she did not want to date someone that treated her sister so poorly – especially one that was such a “nice” guy for so long. I was relieved! Honestly! I could now get these related women out of my life and find someone new.
Over the next few days I wore a big smile on my face. I was flirting with the female customers and generally having a good time. Larry was dating some other woman and couldn’t care less what Terri was up to. No more soap opera. I was free!
On that Friday, Terri asked if I would mind if she ate lunch with me. I told her it was a free world and she could sit where she liked. She sat next to me and said that she wanted to know if we could ever be friends again and that she missed our closeness. Without missing a beat I told her that if she wanted a friend she should get a dog. I am not interested in playing in her little friend zone just to support her need to have sex with jerks.
She had a sad look on her face. She wanted to know what happened to the sweet guy she knew before. Why had I become such a jerk to her? I told her that I was sick of being her emotional support schmuck because it hurt too damn much. Then she naively asked why? Why did it hurt so much when we were just friends? I was getting irritated and so sternly told her “Because I was in love with you and you ripped my fucking heart out, now go away and leave me alone.”
She refused to leave. She asked why I didn’t have the courage to tell her before now? She said, Maybe if you had a little courage I would have considered it! Bullshit! I replied. How many times did we go to the bar and you would flirt with the first guy to come along and ignore me until you were done with him? Every goddamn time, that’s how many! Besides, you were dating Larry and then after that big fight over me, the last thing I figured was that you wanted me to make a move on you! I gave it a month and I was going to tell you how I felt that night when we were going dancing at the bar, but you couldn’t wait 5 minutes before you were flirting with the next jerk! Screw you!” I got up and left.
Terri got off work early and left before I punched out. After work I stayed late and talked with the guys that worked the graveyard shift stocking shelves. They were all older than me and some were even married. They told me what no one else had the experience or the guts to speak of. They said they had watched this go on and wondered how long it would take for me to figure out that nice guys finish last.
But how? How can being nice to a woman get me so far from my goal? How can molding myself in the image women say they want, and what they claim to never be able to find, work against all my best laid plans? And, if they knew so much, why did they not lift a finger to stop me?
They told me that I would have never listened. No one should ever mold themselves to be what anyone else wants. You are either compatible or you aren't. Guys like you have to get blistered at least once before you will ever take it to heart. And a guy can't be pussy dazzled when he ain't getting any pussy. At least from the gal that has his nuts in a vice.
Think about it. You were more smitten with this woman than most men are on the day of their wedding. You are worse than a husband being cheated on and every one knows it but him. Tell a guy his wife is cheating and he'll want to fight you over it. You just have to step back and watch him take it on the chin. There is no easy way around it.
When I went to my car that night Terri was parked next to me. I was wondering what she was doing there, since she left many hours before. As I approached, she got out of the car and leaned against my back bumper.
Hey. She said. I heyed her back. What are you still doing here? I asked. She told me that she had come back to meet me at my normal quitting time so that we could go get some coffee and sort things out and she has been sitting here since that time. I felt bad for her. I was in there for a couple hours after my shift talking to the guys.
I could tell she had been crying again. Even in the dimly lit parking lot I could see that her mascara had run and hey eyes were puffy. I felt an uncontrollable urge to comfort her, but I quickly stifled the thought.
She looked at me and our eyes met. She was different somehow. She seemed unsure of herself. She had always played the role of martyr so well in the past and it always sucked me in. But this was different. She would never have waited for me like this in the past.
I noticed some light glinting off a tear in the corner of her eye. Without thinking I reached out and gently wiped it with my thumb, my hand lightly touching her hair. I moved my hand gently to the back of her head and drew her in closer. My heart was pounding as she seemed compliant to this and was tilting her head.
In that instant a series of thoughts went through my head. OH SHIT! She thinks I am going the kiss her! WHAT TO DO! My old self was desperately trying to avoid this and reassert it’s control! What the fuck was wrong with me! Stop being a fucking idiot here!
Time seemed to slow down. She was still moving toward me and my heart was about to fly out of my chest. My new self regained control and we kissed – passionately. Like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was out of control, wild, hot, sensual, nothing like I ever imagined it would be – far more meaningful and much better.
It seemed like it went on for hours, but it was only a few minutes. She broke off the kiss and stiff armed my chest as she gasped – WOW, OK, WAIT, UM…. THIS WASN’T, but she was cut off as I kissed her again and she surrendered to the moment and let it unfold.
When we finally stopped kissing, she looked up at me. I’ve never been kissed like that, she said, I don’t know if I like it or not! I was stunned! I thought it was pretty damn good! Hell, I thought it should go into the Guinness Book! What the hell did she think just happened?
I looked at her with a look of disbelief! I was about to say some choice words when her hand came up and clamped my lips together. That feels weird, I thought. Funny what kind of stupid thoughts you have at times like this!
She proceeded to continue. I have never felt loved by anyone I have ever been with and that kiss made me feel something special. I don’t want to be hurt by you, you used to be so sweet, but now you are this jerk and I don’t know which guy you really are anymore. I am worried that I just might be in love with another jerk, only this time, its you, and you are one jerk that can really hurt me! That’s why I don’t know if I like that kiss – I’m scared by what I felt and I don’t know if I can trust you.
That is when I learned what being a “nice” guy really was. It was not being the emotional support schmuck with no backbone that lurks in the shadows of other people’s relationships hoping for his chance with the girl of his dreams. It means being there for her with strength and confidence. It means having the backbone to tell her what she needs to hear even if she doesn’t like it. It means having the confidence to state what you want and the willingness to take the risk and say it. It means deriving your happiness from the fact that you are in control of your own destiny and not relying on others to make you happy. I realized in that instant that I could be compassionate and loving in the way she needed me to be.
I looked at her in a different way than she had ever seen before. She could sense that the compassionate person was still in there, only now it was not alone. It had the jerk in there as well, providing the backbone that she found so attractive in other men all her life. Only, this was not a jerk, but a real nice guy. The kind of guy she had always wanted. I realized that I wasn’t that guy before. Now I understood what she meant when she used to tell me that she wished she could find a guy like me. She wanted the best of me and the best of the jerks she was dating all those years. Emotion filled her as she realized what she had in her arms. We kissed again.
We never did make it for coffee that night. We had it in the morning at her place. We were together for a long time after that, but events conspired to break us apart. I will never forget that summer of 1976 and I will never forget Terri with an i.
Posted on 26 October 2009 @ 14:38 (London time) - permalink
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